DH’s defence of his calamitous weekend - am I ‘nagging’?

[BrightJen]

Hi all,

I’ve had enough this weekend and need to vent. I am at my wits end with my DH, to give you an idea of how our weekend has gone, I’ve thought it easier to bullet point:

-We attended a local VE Day picnic on Saturday. DH went out to get the bits for this. He comes back with a family pack of sausage rolls and a share bag of crisps. That’s it. There’s us plus two DC.

-DH is miserable when we are getting ready, like he didn’t want to go and one of my DC even commented to me he was in a mood.

-At the event, he moaned there was nothing to do (there was stuff for kids, a band, play ride etc) and just looked like he didn’t want to be there.

-Our DC went to get an ice cream and during this time I saw him stare at a woman on multiple occasions. He may as well have been open mouthed gawping. He denied this (I understand people are only human and will notice others, but this was ridiculous and uncomfortable)

-Today, I took one of our DC to an event linked to their hobby and was out from 10-5. I asked DH to go to the supermarket before closing at 4 to get dinner. He somehow mismanaged his time to miss the closing.

-He said not to worry and he’d sort it, and went to a local petrol station. The shelves were bare however and he returned with a mis-match of instant noodles, a pasty and tinned beans/sausages. Ridiculous. We haven’t got the money spare for a takeaway this weekend.

We’ve had a discussion this evening and he’s basically taken no responsibility for anything and said he is sick of me ‘nagging’. He said I should have given him a list for the picnic if I was that set on certain things and that he can’t even admire another woman without me getting jealous (bollocks).

I said admiring a woman is as close as he will get if he keeps on like this. He told me that he couldn’t help but look at her and he (quoted exactly) ‘hopes her husband utilises that arse’. Yes, he used the word ‘utilises’ when describing another woman’s body part.

Sorry for the long post, but any reassurance that I’m not being totally unreasonable would be welcome!

Thing is if you stay with him your DC will grow up thinking this is what men do- DS will copy, dad will come to expect this level of disrespect.

if not for you then for them, GET.RID.

So…OP should just do everything for him? It boogles my mind when people think that’s the solution!

He's vile and useless. Are you getting anything out of this relationship?

You all deserve so much better than this terrible excuse for a man. I hope you have enough support IRL to be able to leave him.

Can you show him this thread? I have nothing to add and I'm sorry. You sound great.

Have you not heard that some men just want to do nothing, NOTHING, but women are always trying to drag us out. Who suggested going was it you, did he even want to go? Did you even ask him if he wanted to go?

Seriously, you have to understand but I don't thing you will, most men at the weekend literally just want to do nothing but we sometimes do it just because it'll make you happy, it's the truth.

Then don't have sex or marry or have children.

Sit in your filth at your home. Don't be a fucking ass when your own kids understandably want to do something other than nothing

Which is absolutely fine.

but then would be beyond selfish to have children then wouldn’t it?

@BrightJen seen your update. OMFG!

He’s really doubled down, hasn’t he!

he works hard to bring in money and can be forgiven for an ‘off’ weekend and needing to put his feet up

Do you have a paid job, OP? If you’re a SAHM (and especially if the kids are both school age) he maybe has a point. In that case the (possibly unsaid) agreement is you shop, meal plan etc as part of your unpaid role and have time in the week to yourself to recharge. But if you also work in paid employment to ‘bring in money’ and/or allow him scope to do so/work longer hours than you by doing most of the cooking, housework, bath/bedtimes, kids activities etc, then you also work hard and need a bit of time at the weekend to yourself to recharge.

If he’d stayed at home on Sat, who’d have taken the kids out to the VE Day community thing they were excited about? YOU. Who took the DC to their all-day event on Sun? YOU. So, when do you get to put your feet up?

As for being forgiven an ‘off weekend’. He shouldn’t be expecting you and the kids to forgive him for teenage grumpiness. Or for not buying food on Sunday when he said he would. Adults act in good faith. They either say they don’t want to/can’t do something or go/do it in good humour. Yeah, we all have bad days and/or forget/fuck up occasionally. But we feel bad we’ve let others down, take ownership and apologise.

As for the rest:

• No, you should not have to give him a list. What magic powers do you possess for knowing what to get, that he doesn’t? You’re not his mother or his manager. He’s a grown man and a parent. He’s perfectly capable of making his own list and, perhaps, discussing with you and adding stuff you suggest to work as a team.

• No, it’s not reasonable when you’ve been out all day (10-5) that you should have to come back and make dinner. Especially when he’s been sat on his arse drinking beer and watching football. Other than if you’re a SAHM (see above), who had your day off in the week and could’ve used another kid-free daytime to pre-make dinner and freeze it for the weekend.

• No one likes being nagged. It’s not just men. But if people (adults or kids) don’t do their fair share, or agree to do something (e.g. shop) and then don’t, they should expect to apologise, explain why (e.g. I couldn’t be arsed/didn’t want to miss the match) and say it won’t happen again.

• No, you shouldn’t expect a partner to have a wandering eye if your behaviour (e.g. ‘nagging’ or laziness/lack of respect) is affecting them. Adults talk about it and aim to resolve it amicably. If he thinks that’s OK, is he happy for your ‘eye to wander’ in response to him being an irresponsible, unreliable, lazy, disrespectful a-hole?

This behaviour can’t have come from nowhere. Surely, he’s always had this appalling attitude to women. Even if his shirking of parental responsibility/laziness has only become apparent since you had kids because (like many men) he assumed he’d continue to be able to organise his time as if he’s single/childless. What are his good points? How does he enrich your life?

Good luck with explaining the above to him 💐

Omg what a twat is he checking out? He’s not a very pleasant man and for him to comment on the woman’s arse makes me think he done more than look he probably imagined what it would be like utilising it. I would start leaving him at home when he’s moody otherwise he’s spoiling things for the rest of you then blaming you. Next time you need a shop you go and he gets to do the hobby with dc he can’t leave you to do both.

I can confirm that an awful lot of women (working and SAHMs) also want to do absolutely nothing by the time it gets to the weekend but if you have kids, that’s literally impossible. You make an effort because you chose to have kids. You make an effort because you respect your husband/wife.

Leave. This. Loser. That is all.

Wow. Erm…I’m a bit speechless.

If this is how you feel, do not ever have children. All children deserve so much better than this.

OP did you marry a particularly stupid and disgusting 13yo boy? Because that’s what he sounds like. “Utilising that arse” makes me heave, I think I’d have to domestos my brain just to forget he said that.

@JandamiHash just was about to say similar to you ! The fact he even said that about her husband out loud “utilising her arse “ is just pure vile.
this guy is a utter wankwipe , get your self sorted OP you will be much more efficient and self confident living without this thing dragging you down

Ah the old "it's your fault". Jesus

This isn't a man thing, it's a people in general thing. Plenty of people enjoy doing nothing on their weekends.

Unfortunately you don't always get to do what you want when you are a parent.

So if that's a problem for you, avoid having kids. Ever.

Exactly this. I haven’t got kids because I’m lazy and selfish. I didn’t want all that work and responsibility. If you have kids, you don’t get to opt out.

He said what??? 😮 What a tosser! I’d wipe the fucking floor with him and show him the door so that his eyes can go and wander all they like!

Then don’t have a relationship, and certainly don’t have kids.

I think @Iceboy80s thought process is the big difference between men and women and it’s why so so many women by the time they get to about 40-50 have absolutely no desire to be in a relationship with a man.

at a population level, the difference in levels of selfishness (namalt and nawalt) is so vast.

there are plenty of people @Iceboy80who would rather do their own thing, be that hobbies or simply nothing, rather than look after children, given that the latter are objectively boring.

but the women recognise that, and thus don’t have kids. The men press on regardless, because after all it’s rather nice to have children, especially if you can leave all the boring hard work to a woman, spouse preferably because then you get sex too.

Sounds like the behaviour of somebody who is gearing up to leave you or have an affair and then blame the whole thing on you. If he’s going to frame anything you say to him as “nagging” then maybe approach it more as concern - that you’ve noticed a change in him and want to know why he’s unhappy so you can work through it together - you might have a better chance of getting to the bottom of it that way. And ask yourself, do you really want to be with this so-called man?

@JayJayj Why does it matter which adult goes shopping?

That was kind of my point.

Why do you think it’s the woman’s job to do this?

It's not a sex-based job, if that's what you're asking. But if person A wants a task done a specific way, then I don't think they should be asking person B to do it, because person B won't do it the way that person A wants it done. And then person A and B end up fighting. This story has happened countless times in the history of humanity.

Could OP have done the shopping, and was there potentially some other task (that the husband is good at) that he could have done instead?

Hi OP, just checking in and hope you’re okay x