DH’s defence of his calamitous weekend - am I ‘nagging’?

[BrightJen]

Hi all,

I’ve had enough this weekend and need to vent. I am at my wits end with my DH, to give you an idea of how our weekend has gone, I’ve thought it easier to bullet point:

-We attended a local VE Day picnic on Saturday. DH went out to get the bits for this. He comes back with a family pack of sausage rolls and a share bag of crisps. That’s it. There’s us plus two DC.

-DH is miserable when we are getting ready, like he didn’t want to go and one of my DC even commented to me he was in a mood.

-At the event, he moaned there was nothing to do (there was stuff for kids, a band, play ride etc) and just looked like he didn’t want to be there.

-Our DC went to get an ice cream and during this time I saw him stare at a woman on multiple occasions. He may as well have been open mouthed gawping. He denied this (I understand people are only human and will notice others, but this was ridiculous and uncomfortable)

-Today, I took one of our DC to an event linked to their hobby and was out from 10-5. I asked DH to go to the supermarket before closing at 4 to get dinner. He somehow mismanaged his time to miss the closing.

-He said not to worry and he’d sort it, and went to a local petrol station. The shelves were bare however and he returned with a mis-match of instant noodles, a pasty and tinned beans/sausages. Ridiculous. We haven’t got the money spare for a takeaway this weekend.

We’ve had a discussion this evening and he’s basically taken no responsibility for anything and said he is sick of me ‘nagging’. He said I should have given him a list for the picnic if I was that set on certain things and that he can’t even admire another woman without me getting jealous (bollocks).

I said admiring a woman is as close as he will get if he keeps on like this. He told me that he couldn’t help but look at her and he (quoted exactly) ‘hopes her husband utilises that arse’. Yes, he used the word ‘utilises’ when describing another woman’s body part.

Sorry for the long post, but any reassurance that I’m not being totally unreasonable would be welcome!

Pretty much what I was going to put.

Its easy to say that there will have been signs, when one is blessed with experience and hindsight.

But when a young naive woman is in love and he is putting on the whole "perfect man" act, him being a bit useless at food shopping is funny and forgivable. When, 15 years later, you are up to your neck in parenting and he is still pulling this shit, its murder inducing.

Ime ML is the killer for most women.

Takes a year off and end up doing everything because she is the one at home and Mr Wonderful gets all comfy. Then she is back at work and still doing it all because Mr Wonderful has been replaced with Mr Lazy who thinks that earning money is all he needs to do.

I couldn't put up with that. My husband would be crucified if i caught him staring at any woman.

If you been together for a while he should know what to get for a picnic. Also neal prepping would go far for you as a family. Save wasted money.

You arr nagging but it seems like therr are too many issues here. It is crazy. How long you been married? Was he always this way?

Nagging is merely the repetition of unpalatable truths. Not sure who first said that. Women generally "nag" when men treat them like dirt. Not always, but usually, the man can fix "nagging" by behaving like a decent adult.

Fucking useless and a leery creep to boot.

Supermarket closing at 4? What arse end of nowhere do you live in?

Mine's open till 10 both weekend days.

Ugh He’s disgusting. So blatantly disrespectful.

My Dad was like this.

I grew up thinking he hated us (he did) With a severe eating disorder and self esteem issues. By the time I hit my teens the conflict was unbearable in the house.

If you think it is bad now, fast forward to the teen years, by that time your dc will have had enough, and the damage will be done.

No one deserves to live in an environment of such total disrespect.

@Azureshores over twenty years.

He sounds like an utter dickhead

He sounds useless but equally I wonder why the food can’t just be bought in one go rather than many small in efficient trips. You need a literal list of chores that you can split and do as a team. He sounds useless but your way of doing it sounds in efficient and he probably feels micromanaged

Are you in the UK? I'm in one of the major cities and all our large supermarkets shut at 4 on a Sunday. It's only the little Express mini supermarkets open later or independent newsagents.

Why should she, so he can stay bad at it forever and use that as an excuse to never do it?

Is a job a woman's by default unless there's an iron-clad defence for a man doing it?

This happens loads of places. Does not make anywhere the "arse end of nowhere." Although some of us do live rurally and that is actually allowed and does not make our homes arse ends.

It's not inefficient to shop for food when you need it so it's fresh. Loads of people around the world do that, we don't all like to buy a week's worth of food and shove it in a fridge.

Sounds like a lot of tension. The food shops are a poor job from him, but I’m also confused why all of these shops are so last minute, on the day that the food is needed. It’s very disorganised. Maybe that was something that frustrated him as well? Whatever the reason there needs to be a serious conversation to air out frustrations, and perhaps some teamwork on better time management all round.

The comment about the woman is just so disrespectful as well, I would be disgusted at that too.

Because there’s two adults in the household?

It's not an efficient or sensible way of living when you have children and are clearly under stress. And what does it say about a family that they are shopping meal to meal, with nothing in the fridge or freezer for an emergency, reduced to eating odd packets of whatever's available from the local garage? It speaks to a generally chaotic, unstable family — besides all the UPFs the children are being fed.

If the OP separates from her husband she'll need to be a lot more organised than she is at the moment. None of this detracts from the fact that her husband is vile and not a good influence for the children to grow up with.

Large shops, i.e. supermarkets are only allowed to open for six hours on Sundays in England and Wales. Most open 10-4; the odd ones in retail parks open 11-5, due to Sunday trading laws. If you don't have a smaller 'Tesco Express' or similar in the area (which is always more expensive) you are left with newsagents, petrol stations etc. after 4 on Sunday. I believe the laws are different in Scotland and Northern Ireland.

For a while it was ‘I’ve got no skin in the game’

So he’s useless and the OP should make a list of chores and divide them. But she also shouldn’t micromanage him. (She didn’t btw, she asked that he sort dinner out for the family) Which is it? It seems like a woman’s place is firmly in the wrong whatever she does.

I live semi-rurally and I have two Co-ops open till 9pm on a Sunday within a three mile drive.

No, but if two adults raising children can't plan meals in advance and shop for them in advance and have a few store cupboard supplies for emergencies, it speaks to a chaotic, tense and insecure set-up for children to be raised in. The children should come first.

It's been around for ages, its so self explanatory.

But they did plan in advance? Or at least OP did: one of them goes to the shop to get something for dinner. She was busy doing other things so asked him to go. That’s a plan. Not her fault he didn’t bother til after the supermarket closed and instead of finding a co-op/Sainsburys local he went to a petrol station and came back with useless shit.

It's the kids that matter. It's a shame OP married a waste of space, but she did and if he won't step up then sadly it's up to her to make sure there's something in the cupboard to give the kids a meal.

If she dumps him — and no one would blame her — then she'll need to be a lot better organised.

Honestly, I have not RTFT but....just end this marriage to this pointless person. See this weekend as the final straw and the last time you have him as your extra child.

He brings nothing and makes sure you are to expect even less in the future.

Get him gone and stand in the light. This is no life.