DH’s defence of his calamitous weekend - am I ‘nagging’?

[BrightJen]

Hi all,

I’ve had enough this weekend and need to vent. I am at my wits end with my DH, to give you an idea of how our weekend has gone, I’ve thought it easier to bullet point:

-We attended a local VE Day picnic on Saturday. DH went out to get the bits for this. He comes back with a family pack of sausage rolls and a share bag of crisps. That’s it. There’s us plus two DC.

-DH is miserable when we are getting ready, like he didn’t want to go and one of my DC even commented to me he was in a mood.

-At the event, he moaned there was nothing to do (there was stuff for kids, a band, play ride etc) and just looked like he didn’t want to be there.

-Our DC went to get an ice cream and during this time I saw him stare at a woman on multiple occasions. He may as well have been open mouthed gawping. He denied this (I understand people are only human and will notice others, but this was ridiculous and uncomfortable)

-Today, I took one of our DC to an event linked to their hobby and was out from 10-5. I asked DH to go to the supermarket before closing at 4 to get dinner. He somehow mismanaged his time to miss the closing.

-He said not to worry and he’d sort it, and went to a local petrol station. The shelves were bare however and he returned with a mis-match of instant noodles, a pasty and tinned beans/sausages. Ridiculous. We haven’t got the money spare for a takeaway this weekend.

We’ve had a discussion this evening and he’s basically taken no responsibility for anything and said he is sick of me ‘nagging’. He said I should have given him a list for the picnic if I was that set on certain things and that he can’t even admire another woman without me getting jealous (bollocks).

I said admiring a woman is as close as he will get if he keeps on like this. He told me that he couldn’t help but look at her and he (quoted exactly) ‘hopes her husband utilises that arse’. Yes, he used the word ‘utilises’ when describing another woman’s body part.

Sorry for the long post, but any reassurance that I’m not being totally unreasonable would be welcome!

See, this is that some men do when they've checked out but don't quite have the balls to say so - they behave so disrespectfully that you have no option but to leave them and then they make out it's your fault because you 'nagged' them. In other words, you expected them to behave like a decent husband and father.

The comment about the other woman would be the end for me - I couldn't get back from that and nor would I want to.

maybe it was not his kind of thing but he could have made an effort for the kids.
as for food shopping give him a list next time he is obviously lost in supermarkets. either that or leave the kids with him and go yourself

Sounds like he's completely checked out. Could he be having an affair? My ex got a bit like this although was sometimes absolutely lovely too to throw me off course.

Either way, he doesn't sound worth hanging on to, not good for you and not good for the kids to be around this.

I’d be utilising my foot and kicking his lazy, misogynistic arse out the door

Strikes me as a man who doesn't fancy being a husband or even father very much at the moment. Could just be a bad mood or the start of the end. Personally I'd hit it head on rather then allow it to drag on

"Hey you're obviously unhappy and I've not got the relationship or family life I want or think out kids should be growing up with either. I've not got a gun to your head. You can leave and we can work it out amicably, or we can go to counselling to see if maybe things can be better for both us and then stay or leave, but you can't stay and let things drag on checked out while I do everything or you do it badly and be called a nag for it. I won't allow it. I deserve better. Our kids deserve better. I don't want them growing up thinking this is how it should be"

Honestly OP, what on earth do you see in this moron?

What difference does that make? She's not his mum.

That’s pretty disgusting.

Yes. This in a nutshell. I’m so sorry op; you and your dc deserve a lot better. That comment he made was really vile also.

We don’t know about the rest of your relationship and what his good points are, if he has any? But I think you need to decide unilaterally if they are sufficient to want you to continue trying to get him to improve?

Do you think he is deliberately pushing boundaries as a way of getting you to initiate a break up?

If you think this is a possibility, and even if you want to leave this man-child or put boundaries in place about what you are, and are simply not, going to accept in terms of his behaviour, then gather some support around you and make a plan.

Essentially, I don’t think that you can get people to change so it’s probably not worth expending energy on trying to persuade him to up his standards. It sounds as if this situation has been going on for a while too. At a certain point op, you are in charge of your own destiny and that of your dc, and how you want your future to look.

Btw, I love the way some posters are implying that the need for last minute shopping trips is exclusively your responsibility! If presumably you work, then the couple are equally responsible for food shopping. Also, I think any bloke with half a brain can go to the supermarket and buy a simple picnic for four. So no, you are very definitely NOT being unreasonable op!

Reading your post op, it made me feel so sad for you actually. What could have been a lovely fun family day out was ruined because of your dh’s ineptitude, crassness, misogyny, and selfishness basically. What’s more, he defended that behaviour when challenged. That speaks of someone who almost casually puts all of his own feelings before everyone else’s. The opposite of how a good husband and father should behave.

Au contraire. It's been going on for as men have utilised it.

YANBU.

He’s an adult and has chosen to be a parent. Parents have to shop for groceries and make nutritious food for their kids. If he was a lone parent (e.g. if heaven forbid something terrible happened to you), that’s what he’d have to do.

• You shouldn’t have to give him a list of what to buy for a picnic. Unless he has some sort of disability. He’s a grown man, not a child. I assume he has a job where he has to be proactive and use his initiative? Rather than simply being given a list and following it? If he wasn’t sure, he could’ve discussed with you, e.g. suggested a few things and asked if you could suggest anything else.

• He clearly had no excuse for mismanaging his time to buy food and prepare a family meal yesterday. He wasn’t rushed off his feet. He chose to mismanage his time.

• His inappropriate drooling over a woman, presumably so she or others would’ve seen, as well as you (and the kids?) was creepy and disrespectful. Dirty old man vibes. His comments about her husband are shockingly misogynistic. Is one of your kids a DD? How would he feel if a strange man thought that about her when she’s older?

On the first two points, if he didn’t want to go to the event, buy food for a picnic or buy groceries (and make dinner) yesterday, he should’ve been assertive, openly communicated that and suggested an alternative solution. Instead, he clearly didn’t want to do any of it and chose wilful incompetence to show that, and therefore how little he cared. Would he do that at work?

I experienced wilful incompetence from my ex. He constantly forgot or, when he remembered, fucked up or did the bare minimum. I ended up anxious and burned out, from having to check and double-check or doing it myself so I knew there was no last-minute fuck up. I wondered if he was depressed (mid-life crisis) or had some sort of health problem (I even contemplated a tumour FFS). When I asked why he didn’t let me know if he didn’t want to do something I’d asked him to do, hadn’t written it down, proactively discussed, set a reminder, used systems I’d set up (e.g. the shopping list on kitchen wall when he went shopping) he’d simply say he didn’t know why. Infuriating!

He never offered a solution going forward. Yet, I noticed when it was something he needed or wanted for himself (new phone, fishing gear) he was capable of being very organised, researching and weighing up the best options, ordering in time for when he wanted. He’d also complain he ‘couldn’t do anything right’ or ‘everything I do is wrong’, implying my expectations were too high and I was unnecessarily complaining. I even believed it for a while and sucked it all up (demanding job, 3 x young DC, running our home, organising family holidays and events). Then I burned out completely. I eventually realised he just didn’t care.

I hope your DH will take responsibility for his fucks ups or learn to communicate better.

The general uselessness is one thing but the ‘hopes her husband utilises that arse’ would be it for me. I’d be done.

Wow. You are making a lot of very unpleasant and negative assumptions about the op in your post sevilleorangemarmalade

They could have found out about the VE Day event at the last minute and realised that they needed a picnic at the last minute too? Why immediately jump to such judgey conclusions saying that op’s home is chaotic and unstable. Ridiculous and unkind!

I have been in a situation before when I had a full weekend and getting ready for a dc sports day or dance competition has meant my focus is on that, and my dh picked up the slack with the other child and took care of the domestic side of things, without even having to ask him. It’s just understood. He plans meals and shops for food and cooks it very competently too. This is not a particularly unusual scenario for a family who has parties and sports events on at the weekend. It doesn’t mean a home is dysfunctional fhs! It means we work ft and have busy weekends!

And why is it op’s sole responsibility to meal plan and do the supermarket shopping? Both men and women are capable of doing these tasks.

sounds like kevin from kevin and perry

He sounds extremely resentful and like he has checked out. That casual cruelty and disregard for a partner's feelings are often the hallmark of a man not being bothered about the relationship anymore. How has your relationship been over the past few years, has there been intimacy (this is a main reason men check out ime) , has he had any major life changes that might have triggered a mid life crisis?

I'd be telling him to either grow up and tell you what's bothering him in general about his life, or get out and leave his family to exist in peace without someone sulking and draining the fun of life

Exactly.

I think it’s really unhelpful when people ask those kinds of questions. Like it is so unbelievable that some people show their true nature after they’re married.

Going to that type of event would be my idea of hell.

You should have told him what to get.

You come across as naggy, sorry but you do to me.

But the woman comment was out of order and I’m not surprised you’re upset.

Why should she have told him what to get?

Why does she need to tell him which food to buy for his family, who he lives with and presumably knows what they like to eat? I really don't understand this viewpoint, millions and millions of men either run a household themselves and are capable of buying food, or hold down a uob in which they plan and execute much more complex projects than a supermarket shop

i would imagine the reasoning would be that when there are two adults in a house who both require food to survive, it’s not unreasonable to expect both to be able to take responsibility for ensuring food is available. Jesus 😮‍💨🙄

OP - weaponised incompetence drives me mental and you’re a better human that me, because if my husband made a comment like that when I was already upset he would’ve been sleeping in the car.

I think one rubbish weekend can be written off (apart from the staring stuff and comments) - we’re all human. But it sounds like this is something more than that.

Nagging is such a lazy word - it is almost always a woman expressing her needs or the (painful) truth. Do you think a couples therapist would be an option? I know you mentioned budgeting so this may not be an option right now. Otherwise, I think you need to be honest with him again and calmly say that he’s not acting like part of the family and ask whether he’s doing this consciously? If he fobs you off, tell him you’re not stupid, you’ve been with him for X years and you can tell the difference between someone who is helpful and kind (or anything else he used to be) and someone who is more like a moody teenager who you’re dragging around and feeding like your two other DCs. Just be matter of fact about it - he needs to do better and if he can’t, then the only options you can see are therapy to tackle his lack of effort in family life (and his misogyny) - he could try signing up for free nhs therapy - or him leaving because this isn't working for you. Don’t turn it into a back and forth where he chips away at you and tries to blame you - just be blunt and say he needs to step up for you and also because he is meant to be a co-parent and role model for his kids.

The stuff re the woman is awful and I would separate this discussion from the one above. I think you need to tell him that this isn’t just a jealousy thing. That’s such a simplification for what he did that day and makes it about your behaviour rather than his. Yes, women know men look at women. It’s natural. But that’s not what he was doing. He was doing it for all to see (including his kids). Kids find this uncomfortable and embarrassing. You, his wife, find it embarrassing and disgusting. And he needs to appreciate that woman often know when men are staring at them like a piece of meat and it feels uncomfortable and gross. So whilst he was thinking god knows what, everyone else was thinking what a disgusting creep he was. And then he basically admitted that he was imagining having sex with her? I would ask him why he felt the need to say such a disgusting thing about another woman to you, his wife, and ask whether he has any respect for you or any woman at all. He’ll probs say you’re overreacting but you know you’re not. If he’s doing that to one woman, he most likely does it to others. I would end it all by saying if he ever made a comment like that about another woman, then you don’t want to be married to him because blatantly leering at women like he has no control over himself and commenting in a sexual way is extremely disturbing behaviour.

I’m sorry again, OP. This must’ve been a totally awful weekend for you. I hope you have friends around you who can give you a huge hug.

I know many women who do this, myself included. I never need to do the dishwasher now

I'd be making a vow for that to the last weekend he ruins.

Sure - mine too. But if my kids were excited to go, they wouldn’t know I was bored af. Just like the hours I’ve spent in soft play since having a kid - do I want to be there? Absolutely not. Do I make an effort? Every time.

I’m interested in what you identify as naggy in the OP’s post - I feel like she’s asking her husband for the bare minimum.

Wow. Welcome back to the 1950s!

First, if you have dc, then you sometimes have to put your feelings about what is enjoyable to do at weekends on the back seat. It’s called being unselfish and mature.

Second, if I was really not up to a family day out, for reasons of tiredness or mild illness, then I would be up front, explain, apologise, and stay at home and do something useful like the laundry or make dinner from what was in the fridge, something to make life easier for the other parent. Or I would go to bed and rest so that I was fit to do the bath and bed routine later. I wouldn’t allow my mood to ruin the day for everyone.

Third, why should a woman have to tell an adult man what to buy for a simple economical picnic? Anyone with half a brain could work that out. If not, they could Google
“simple family picnic for four” and see what it suggested?

Of course op’s dh could do all of these things; when push comes to shove, he simply could not be bothered.