DH’s defence of his calamitous weekend - am I ‘nagging’?

[BrightJen]

Hi all,

I’ve had enough this weekend and need to vent. I am at my wits end with my DH, to give you an idea of how our weekend has gone, I’ve thought it easier to bullet point:

-We attended a local VE Day picnic on Saturday. DH went out to get the bits for this. He comes back with a family pack of sausage rolls and a share bag of crisps. That’s it. There’s us plus two DC.

-DH is miserable when we are getting ready, like he didn’t want to go and one of my DC even commented to me he was in a mood.

-At the event, he moaned there was nothing to do (there was stuff for kids, a band, play ride etc) and just looked like he didn’t want to be there.

-Our DC went to get an ice cream and during this time I saw him stare at a woman on multiple occasions. He may as well have been open mouthed gawping. He denied this (I understand people are only human and will notice others, but this was ridiculous and uncomfortable)

-Today, I took one of our DC to an event linked to their hobby and was out from 10-5. I asked DH to go to the supermarket before closing at 4 to get dinner. He somehow mismanaged his time to miss the closing.

-He said not to worry and he’d sort it, and went to a local petrol station. The shelves were bare however and he returned with a mis-match of instant noodles, a pasty and tinned beans/sausages. Ridiculous. We haven’t got the money spare for a takeaway this weekend.

We’ve had a discussion this evening and he’s basically taken no responsibility for anything and said he is sick of me ‘nagging’. He said I should have given him a list for the picnic if I was that set on certain things and that he can’t even admire another woman without me getting jealous (bollocks).

I said admiring a woman is as close as he will get if he keeps on like this. He told me that he couldn’t help but look at her and he (quoted exactly) ‘hopes her husband utilises that arse’. Yes, he used the word ‘utilises’ when describing another woman’s body part.

Sorry for the long post, but any reassurance that I’m not being totally unreasonable would be welcome!

He has checked out of the marriage.
Depending on how long he has been like this he might never really have checked in.

Sorry.

I’d have gotten the full ick over his utilise comment.🤮

The OP was busy doing everything else.

Why does it matter which adult goes shopping? Why do you think it’s the woman’s job to do this? Are men unable of shopping?

' utilise her arse'. Sounds like a lecherous accountant. Is he stupendously unimaginative in bed?

Events like the picnic can be a fun day out with the family. Just to get everyone out of the house when the budget it tight.
But if you are with a miserable moaner, its really awful.. And so crap when funds won't stretch to much else, its a sunny day and the person can't be bothered or cannot even see the value in just being there spending time with the kids.
For me this would be a crunch point.. as it is so miserable being around people who just cannot be bothered.

And I think his derisory food efforts were also making the same point.

Without even adding in the oggling

He has checked out. And he doesn't deserve to be checked back in.

The moronic food shopping and the being a misery to be around all sound like pretty standard mumsnet husband stuff (not something I would settle for but I just mean you hear it all the time) but the ‘utilise’ comment made my jaw literally drop and I’m not sure that’s happened to me while reading mumsnet before. Really shocking. You can surely do better than that?!

If he continues treating his wife like this I suspect that's the closest to sex he'll get in a long time . . .

Or how aboutthe fact that men can go shopping for the family. It's not 1950. Can't believe you're being asked to justify why he has to go shopping for his own family.

Bar is on the floor for some people. Don't be one of them.

There's really nothing to talk with him about op. He's a massive asshole and you can't talk someone into not being a massive asshole.

Chances are he's either cheating and this is the start of the script, or/and hoping you'll break up with him so he doesn't have to be the bad guy.

But you should get rid. Don't waste your life on this pig.

What persuaded you to marry and have children with a man like this.

’He said I should have given him a list for the picnic… ‘

I have to agree with him about this. When you’re an incapable moron like he is, a list is essential to help his feeble minded brain get it right.

I suggest you write him another list -

LIST

1. Pack up your belongings.
2. Fuck off.

Because he lives in the home too?

I think it would be easier to chuck this man in the bin and start over.

This.
OP, is there a way to work things such that his deliberate incompetence affects only him?

What a useless twat! Moping about so even his child comments on his mood? Really???!!!
And the misogynistic comments are awful. Makes my skin crawl.

And yet… someone saw fit to marry and mate with him. The mind truly reels.

Because its very rare that these specimens start out like that. They usually start out as quite competent happy men who are good partners. Its not until they realise that family life is mainly drudge and that they are not the centre of the universerse that this shit starts. When they realise that actually, this is how it is going to be for a good few years and their lives are not just theirs anymore. That they have to put themselves second.

Emotionally strong and stable men take it in their stride, but sad twats like this throw tantrums.

re The shopping. Tbh these food choices when faced with shopping are regularly brought up on mumsnet. Along with bizarre meal combinations like
potatoes with rice and pasta 🤣

Eyeing up women ( the odd glance ) I can’t see as an issue I’m sure if a good looking guy passed by we’d all have a shifty.
The ‘utilise’ comment for me was the shocker. I suppose though OP, he obviously feels comfortable enough with you to open up and say such a thing…….just trying to put a positive spin on things for you 🫤

Ps…Suggest dh does the kids activities until he has grown up and learns what constitutes ingredients for a meal.

Oh, what bullshit. They were always losers. No one develops mentality such as “hope he makes use of that ass” as a mature adult.

And don’t tell me they successfully hide it until multiple kids are born. Most of them are two digit IQ dolts, not masters of disguise.

SO many women are willing to overlook serious flaws and basically accept any loser who gives them the time of day, until the damage is done, in their zeal to marry and/or reproduce. It’s beyond exasperating.

Easier said than done

He sounds like a creepy, useless arsehole. Not sure what advice you are looking for tbh.

I agree with this to an extent. But to be fair, until you are old enough to know better, you cannot always realise that what seems like a minor flaw will be enough to make you want to murder him in a few years. And it is absolutely true that no man ever, not once in the history of humanity, has gone from charming, loving, decent, great guy to wanker in the course of a couple of years, but they do often get lazier and deteriorate in their behaviours.

Women definitely should pick better, do better and stop being so pathetic about what they are willing to accept, but I think the shittier men do groom them to an extent too and lure them in when they are a bit naive.

She said he was sat there with his tongue hanging out and specifically stated that she knows we are all human and look.

Eye tracking studies have proven that women DO eye men up, shoulder to hip ratio and arse mainly. If the penis is on display they DO show a preference for a larger penis, to an extent. The book what Do Women Want by Daniel Bergner talks about this, it's quite interesting.

The main difference between men and women when it comes to scoping out the other sex is entitlement. Women, for the most part, do it discreetly. Men are often entitled, rude arseholes about it - like the OP's ball and chain is.

Yuck. He sounds like a useless pig.

YANBU.
However, leaving food shopping to the last minute is often a recipe for disaster and appears to be the source of half of the tension. I'd be fixing that in whatever way beat fits your division of work/childcare/chores.
For the comments about the other woman, the disrespect would have me wondering if this was the man I married (as I surely wouldn't have married a man like this) and considering ending the marriage.