DH’s defence of his calamitous weekend - am I ‘nagging’?

[BrightJen]

Hi all,

I’ve had enough this weekend and need to vent. I am at my wits end with my DH, to give you an idea of how our weekend has gone, I’ve thought it easier to bullet point:

-We attended a local VE Day picnic on Saturday. DH went out to get the bits for this. He comes back with a family pack of sausage rolls and a share bag of crisps. That’s it. There’s us plus two DC.

-DH is miserable when we are getting ready, like he didn’t want to go and one of my DC even commented to me he was in a mood.

-At the event, he moaned there was nothing to do (there was stuff for kids, a band, play ride etc) and just looked like he didn’t want to be there.

-Our DC went to get an ice cream and during this time I saw him stare at a woman on multiple occasions. He may as well have been open mouthed gawping. He denied this (I understand people are only human and will notice others, but this was ridiculous and uncomfortable)

-Today, I took one of our DC to an event linked to their hobby and was out from 10-5. I asked DH to go to the supermarket before closing at 4 to get dinner. He somehow mismanaged his time to miss the closing.

-He said not to worry and he’d sort it, and went to a local petrol station. The shelves were bare however and he returned with a mis-match of instant noodles, a pasty and tinned beans/sausages. Ridiculous. We haven’t got the money spare for a takeaway this weekend.

We’ve had a discussion this evening and he’s basically taken no responsibility for anything and said he is sick of me ‘nagging’. He said I should have given him a list for the picnic if I was that set on certain things and that he can’t even admire another woman without me getting jealous (bollocks).

I said admiring a woman is as close as he will get if he keeps on like this. He told me that he couldn’t help but look at her and he (quoted exactly) ‘hopes her husband utilises that arse’. Yes, he used the word ‘utilises’ when describing another woman’s body part.

Sorry for the long post, but any reassurance that I’m not being totally unreasonable would be welcome!

Yuck. He has zero respect for you.

I hate all this midlife crisis shite. I don’t know why but it somehow implies it’s not the man’s fault (do women get to have a midlife crisis?) but it’s absolutely up to him if he decides to act like a bastard. Which your husband is. He knows exactly what he’s doing. Don’t let him twist it round to make it your fault he’s a useless creep.

Oh my goodness. I would actually leave my DH for ogling, admiring is one thing but to openly say to you that he hopes her husband sodomises her (implied?) is just weird and a little sinister

I’m sorry, OP.
Is this a sudden downturn or something that has been gradual?
He sounds very disrespectful to say something so awful about another woman to you.
And his laziness and lack of trying sounds like either he’s depressed or he just doesn’t care any more. I suppose it could be any number of reasons
In any case, you certainly don’t deserve any of this and while you didn’t ask for advice, perhaps asking him WTF his problem is with life with you and his children is and how he intends to deal with it.
I’d also remind him that checking out is not an option.
Sending love. ❤️

Did he have the option of not going on the picnic? A big communal picnic is my idea of hell, and I would probably do a very half arsed job of prepping for an event that I very much didn't even want to attend!

But the food today is absolutely ridiculous. It sounds like he's in a grump because he had a whole weekend of not being the centre of attention.

So he's a disgusting pig and a loser who can't even do a shop for his family...why would you have him anywhere near you?

He obviously is either thick or uses weaponised incompetence. Either way he is a mysoginst who thinks it's 'your job' to do the shopping so doesn't do it correctly.

He ruins nice occasions and he offles pthe women Infront of you.

Babe you are undereacting. GET him divorced before your kids think women should tolerate this horseshit. And once he's gone, if you have sons, teach them how to shop and do housework the same as the girls.

*Oggles other women

I’m sure his wedding vows went something like this:
“I promise to be an absolute cunt to you at some point in the future out of nowhere. I promise I will stare at other women and openly fantasise about said women having anal sex with their husbands to you. I will one day not manage to do the most basic of tasks as a father and equal partner to you, including feeding our children adequately. I will then make it all your fault. Till death do us part…”

So yeah, you’re absolutely right, OP should have known better than to marry him. What happened @BrightJen your crystal ball break or something? Get it together, it’s clearly all your fault…

My thoughts exactly - 'If I fuck it up badly enough, enough times, she'll never ask me again.'

My dad used to oggle other women and comment on their “finer points” to our mum.
In front of us.
It never occurred to me until I grew up.
Men can be bastards.
My mum was stunningly beautiful. Why she tolerated the shit from my dad that she did, I’ll never know.

Too thick to do the shopping.

Well, obviously he'd starve if you weren't around then....

(You are not nagging)

He's checked out, and is either having an affair or is looking for one.

He wants to leave you, but won't do so until he's found an alternative woman to do the shopping for him.

Ah the old "mid life crisis" excuse. Shame that on the whole us women don't get that get-out-of-jail-free card applied to us.

No, it's not a MLC - they are not actually real.

He is being a selfish git who appears to want out of the marriage and wants to letch on other women.

Dripping like a council boiler...

He sounds like an idiot.

He sounds like a really annoying 15-year-old, they have time to mature and grow out of such useless and insulting behaviour

Fuck me. Please see yourself clearly here, giving your kids a very bad role model. I'd be upset if afriend told me this story.
If he isn't useful there is no point him being around. Just give him an ultimatum.
Really = it would be so much easier without him around....

It’s a fair point, we (well, I) are usually more organised with food but one thing or another got in the way at the end of the week.

It was a family day out, if he refused to go I wouldn’t have dragged him out of the house but I think he knew he had to go as the kids were looking forward to it and he had no excuse not to really.

He told me that he couldn’t help but look at her and he (quoted exactly) ‘hopes her husband utilises that arse’. Yes, he used the word ‘utilises’ when describing another woman’s body part.

The fact that he actually said this to you is disrespectful and gross. I would have the instant ick.

Watching porn .

I'll get my coat 🙈

Yes, there will definitely be a further conversation and I’m glad I’ve posted on here tonight because it’s made me realise I’m not being unreasonable or nagging as he put it.

He is their father. It is unacceptable for him to sit on his arse all day knowing his children are relying on him for their food, unacceptable.
Ad for the apologists saying he might not have wanted to go to the event with his children- where do I start? If you cannot put yourself out and do things for your own children then please for the love of God- do not have children. Go and get sterilised.
Op- start and put yourself and children first. I think he has checked out of your marriage.

Eurgh. If my husband said that to me about another woman I would honestly leave him, it’s a form of cheating IMO. The points about shopping, yeah it’s weaponised incompetence and I can relate to. It pisses me off too when my husband can’t do a basic adult task like buy simple groceries. Is he like this often? @BrightJen

My partner has said and done some awful things and at times is the epitome of weaponized incompetence. However he has never and would never make a comment about utilising some other woman's arse that's fucking horrific