DH’s defence of his calamitous weekend - am I ‘nagging’?

[BrightJen]

Hi all,

I’ve had enough this weekend and need to vent. I am at my wits end with my DH, to give you an idea of how our weekend has gone, I’ve thought it easier to bullet point:

-We attended a local VE Day picnic on Saturday. DH went out to get the bits for this. He comes back with a family pack of sausage rolls and a share bag of crisps. That’s it. There’s us plus two DC.

-DH is miserable when we are getting ready, like he didn’t want to go and one of my DC even commented to me he was in a mood.

-At the event, he moaned there was nothing to do (there was stuff for kids, a band, play ride etc) and just looked like he didn’t want to be there.

-Our DC went to get an ice cream and during this time I saw him stare at a woman on multiple occasions. He may as well have been open mouthed gawping. He denied this (I understand people are only human and will notice others, but this was ridiculous and uncomfortable)

-Today, I took one of our DC to an event linked to their hobby and was out from 10-5. I asked DH to go to the supermarket before closing at 4 to get dinner. He somehow mismanaged his time to miss the closing.

-He said not to worry and he’d sort it, and went to a local petrol station. The shelves were bare however and he returned with a mis-match of instant noodles, a pasty and tinned beans/sausages. Ridiculous. We haven’t got the money spare for a takeaway this weekend.

We’ve had a discussion this evening and he’s basically taken no responsibility for anything and said he is sick of me ‘nagging’. He said I should have given him a list for the picnic if I was that set on certain things and that he can’t even admire another woman without me getting jealous (bollocks).

I said admiring a woman is as close as he will get if he keeps on like this. He told me that he couldn’t help but look at her and he (quoted exactly) ‘hopes her husband utilises that arse’. Yes, he used the word ‘utilises’ when describing another woman’s body part.

Sorry for the long post, but any reassurance that I’m not being totally unreasonable would be welcome!

He is absolutely fucking useless. Genuinely - what’s the point of being with him? At least if you were single, you wouldn’t be relying on him to do anything. You’d also have the benefit of no resentment and no rage.

Sort yourself and your kids out from now on - he can live on his instant noodles.

He sounds like a pig. Noticing an attractive person is only human. Gawping at her so that you couldn't help but notice is ill-mannered to both you and her. Saying he couldn't help it and making crude comments on her body is simply disgusting.

And on top of that he has such a mood on family outings that your children noticed, and he was unable to get to the shops to provide his family with food. He needs to snap out of his funk and wake up to the fact that he's a grown man with children. His selfishness and incompetence will damage his relationship with his kids. Does he want them looking back and remembering that Dad was always in a mood and was too lazy to get to the shops so they had something decent to eat? Because that's what's going to happen, if he doesn't shape up soon.

Divorce was for me a revelation in enjoying life without having to negotiate and include a manchild. I was richer (no child maintenance because he was a manchild obvs) but I earn and he had been the main expense in my life.

It's lovely to not share life with a that. This could be your future. Or you could stay with him. Same crap every year until you die.

Commenting on the woman was wrong, the shop wouldn't bother me at all

You have a 'D'H who is making an art form of weaponised incompetence. He knows fine well what you would normally have for a picnic etc.
We all have to do things we find tiresome/boring/wouldratherhavetoothextraction but our kids want to do it. Part of parenting.
You're not being unreasonable to expect him to parent and do things to keep the household running smoothly. He has made it clear by his actions that he doesn't want to know. What are you going to do about it?

The problem is that he's selfish. No thought about what other people would enjoy eating or about how a woman would feel being described that way or how his wife would feel by him saying it.

If the last year has been worse, he's either actively pushing you away, subconsciously pushing you away or respects you/women in general less than he did before.

Plus he was shit before from the sounds of it.

Hopeless, rude, disrespectful and by the sounds of it at least half checked out. Has he always been like this? I wouldn’t stay with a man who spoke about another woman like that.

And here it starts....

The demonising of the wife.

Before long he will have been miserable for years.....

I could overlook the cock ups with the food if there were something deeper (depression?) going on. But the comment about the woman's body was unmistakably misogynistic and deliberately said to hurt you. He sounds like a dick OP.

Absolutely this I would be getting rid of him the useless wanker

Not making any excuses for your DH, he sounds vile and I wouldn't want him talking or behaving in that way about women in front of my children.

But I have to say that the pair of you sound chaotic. Do you not plan meals and buy food ahead of time in your household? Any day of the week here I could rustle up a meal, even if it was only baked potatoes and beans or omelettes or pasta with a sauce or sausages. I would not want to be bringing up my children in a household where there was nothing in the freezer or cupboard to eat. Is money really so tight?

As everyone says, what an f-ing prick! I would threaten him with he needs to go if he carries on like this, and remind him about maintenance payments, the sad men-children who live in their Mums spare bedroom etc etc - I’m sure you can think of more! This will either kill or cure. Bastard.

@BrightJen What was the reasoning for DH going shopping for food and not you?

Sorry but he sounds like a moody teenager. We all do stuff with our kids that are not necessarily in our top ten of things to do and it is not that complicated to work out what to get for a picnic and to go earlier to the supermarket on the Sunday to get something for dinner. And- I know this is wild- but he could’ve even taken the initiative on the Saturday and got a couple of pizzas or something when getting the picnic stuff. If is so draining and frankly boring to have to instruct someone how to be an adult and think of people other than themselves step by step. Not really what you sign up for in a marriage, you hope you will be a team that works together and is mutually supportive. Maybe something is up with him. His comment about that woman was really quite icky. Definitely needs a direct conversation otherwise I fear you will become so resentful and fed up that any love you might have had for him will go to dust. I hope things get better. Good luck.

I would divorce him for using the word "utilise" in relation to a part of a woman's anatomy. Disgusting, disrespectful and grammatically incorrect.

And that's before all the other bits of breathtaking incompetence.

What on earth is the point of him?

Missing the point on an epic scale here.

Getting picnic supplies isn't difficult,he tries turning back on you by not giving a list good god he shouldn't need one.
Ogling other women that's not on.
Dragging the day down so much even the kids noticed.
Not going to the supermarket to get something for dinner just plain lazy perhaps.
And his good point's are?

I was with you until 'utilise that arse' 🤮 so sorry OP, what an absolute dickhead he is.

YANBU, and you can do better.

I was preoccupied with things in the house, chores and making breakfast for everyone.

I don’t know how you can find someone who is so incompetent attractive. Sorry Op, I also don’t find selfishness attractive either.

If this is a one off, I think you're probably making too much of it (except for the ogling). A crappy weekend once in a while when everything goes wrong and you don't step up as much as you ought to to fix it is upleasant but not disastrous and probably more in need of caring isn't-it-about-time-we-both-had-a-break type of a approach than a serious discussion about not making the grade.

But if this is parr for the course I'd say he isn't interested in being a partner or father. He's there because he can't be bothered to do for himself all the bits you do to make life easier on him and he's too lazy to break up.

The ogling makes me thing it's much more the second of these two possibilities even if he's pulling his weight most of the time. That's just a straight up "fuck you" to a spouse.

Have you not been on MN very long?

OP - aside from the fact he’s a useless prick, if my dh ever uttered those words about a woman my fanny would seal shut and he would never put his hands on me again. Really, really sickening comment. I couldn’t go back from it - he’s basically telling you exactly who he is.

Suggest he takes the classic midlife crisis route of doing triathlons or walking the Camino instead of being an incompetent misogynist?

I could probably rationalise or suggest circumstantial reasons and possible solutions to the two shopping incidents and the apparent bad mood and sulking, but the gawking and the comments he made when confronted about it make all of that a waste of time. I recommend a zero-tolerance policy for misogyny, in any case where you have control over your associations (you may have to work with or live near them, but you don't have to spend your leisure time with, let alone live with, one). It's very refreshing.

Oh dear think I’d be utilising my hand around his head!