To lie to the school for DD?

[Ankther]

DD is in Year 12. Her school runs a ‘Year 12 leadership day’ every year on the last day before May half-term with two half-day activities - usually army-style fitness and debating.

Dd certainly hasn’t been looking forward to this - not so much the debating part (she’s good at English/history and can put together strong arguments) but the army fitness element really isn’t her thing. She’s rubbish at PE but probably more to the point, she struggles socially, and just can’t get on board with ‘enforced fun’ type activities that require everyone to make a fool of themselves in front of others.

She previously had to do an army fitness afternoon in Year 9 - she had been begging me to let her skip it for weeks but I took the line that it’s important to do things that don’t come naturally to you and made her go in. Additionally, honesty is incredibly important to me and I’ve never been willing to lie to the school and tell them she’s ill when she isn’t. However, as soon as she got home she proudly told me that she’d done one activity and then told the teachers she felt dizzy and sat out the rest of the afternoon.

She hadn’t asked to skip the day this time around - I imagine she was planning to sit most of the fitness activities out again like she did in Year 9. However, she found out on Friday that the morning activity isn’t debating but instead a stand-up comedy workshop, which is her absolute worst nightmare. The prospect of having to stand up in front of her peers and try to tell jokes while no one laughs is totally terrifying and humiliating for her.

The usual lines about school preparing for you for adult life where you sometimes have to do things you don’t want aren’t going to work here - as she’s pointed out repeatedly, I’ve never had to do a stand-up comedy workshop or an army fitness day at work… When I tried to discuss it with her calmly this afternoon it ended up with her hyperventilating and having a full-blown panic attack. It took nearly an hour to get her breathing normally again.

She’s now said she simply isn’t going into school on that day, and it’s up to me whether I lie and tell them she’s ill, or if I tell the truth. She’s 17 and I can’t physically force her onto the school bus against her will, so I guess that’s the decision I have to make.

On the one hand, if I tell the school the truth, I worry that it will reflect badly on her - the school have been clear that they expect 100% attendance - and it could maybe even impact the reference they give her for her UCAS application next year (may well be paranoia on my part).

On the other hand, even if I say she’s ill, I’m fairly sure her teachers will see right through it - they know her and they’re fully aware this day is her worst nightmare. Plus she’s never missed school due to illness before so it would be pretty convenient for her to suddenly be ill now. And as I mentioned above, honesty is a key value of mine - I will find it very difficult to lie to the school, and I’m concerned that it’s Dd’s default response to get out of something she doesn’t want to do.

Would you lie to the school in this scenario?
(YABU = tell the school the truth / YANBU = lie and tell the school she’s ill)

The thought of it actually made me feel a little sick, and it's not even me doing it!!

I think I would have happily failed A levels than done anything like this. There is absolutely no way I'd take part and I think the school should understand what they've chosen is going to make a good number of kids feel awful.

In your case I'd probably make a stand, especially with the threat of a negative reference. I'd check this stance with the school (in writing), and it they confirm I'd take legal advice.

They will be expecting most of the students to be “ill”. You’re over thinking it. It’s just meant to be a nice way to end the year instead of the usual lessons and exam prep. It won’t be for everyone so skip it, it won’t impact her UCAS at all.

Actually...I just had a thought.
The whole idea of it is so ridiculous, and I can't believe many are overjoyed about it...could it be a test?

Is it really debating, but they'll be looking at how they argue this beforehand? Whether they argue themselves, get their parents involved, or go along with something that they fundamentally don't agree with?

Well I imagine some people would actually like the sound of it and would be looking forward to it so that would be pretty harsh.

(Note, it’s not my sort of thing but I can see why the school is doing it and do thing it could be of benefit)

My autistic daughter would not be going in for this. The school could do one.

I always remember my mum getting me out of a team building day for sixth form (we'd all gone to the same school so knew each other anyway) which was an outdoorsy type day - just not me at all. I've always appreciated that she did it, and it's never held me back in life. Sure, you might sometimes have to do things you don't like in life - but why start before you have to!

Would you not even ask the school first what it involved and how your daughters needs would be accommodated before deciding?

maybe it would be the right decision for your daughter to miss it but surely you need more information to be able to make an informed decision.

My dd has had similar - I just email in and say that my dd does not feel comfortable taking part and would rather spend her time studying. The school always just thanks me for letting them know.

I would say she was ill, u think this classes as a mental health day.

this is my idea of hell and I wouldn’t participate, nor would I force my children to if it made them this upset x

I would not force her to do it.

I would be happy to lie on her behalf. Funnily enough, the thing that taught me to lie was lying to school about unreasonable expectations from my kids. Before that, I didn't lie. But now I lie in order to get stuff sorted out. Not lies that hurt anyone else.

I'd phone or email on the morning of the activity and say she feels sick. That's not a lie - she feels sick at the thought of doing it after all. Or you could get more creative. Say she's slipped and you've had to go to A&E for an wrist xray. Luckily that'll turn out to just have been a sprain. The best lies are ones that might have been true at another time.

I can guarantee some if not most of the teachers will think it’s a load of rubbish too. Lie and most will understand

Where 'leadership' comes out of some ludicrous 80s/90s City work culture management book 🙄

Could you daughter prepare a 'standup routine' (list of arguments) on why this day is shit, old-fashioned, exclusive to NT/disabled students, etc.? Think about socially engaged comedy and dark humour that most good comedians employ these days - not 'tell us a joke'. Watch Hannah Gadsby's Nanette together for inspiration.

I can see you have already taken a sensible decision to have your daughters back here which is good - I cannot imagine ever not helping my child in a situation as ridiculous as this, forcing teens to the point of panic attacks for the sake of an absolutely pointless stand up comedy workshop is abysmal. Honestly the school should be ashamed of themselves pressuring young people and their parents about this utter nonsense and I’d actually be having words to this effect.

Do whatever needs to be done to get her out of it. She will be out of this silly place soon and working or learning in an environment more suited to her. Pointless letting it stress her out this much and your relationship and you having her back is more important than this ridiculous day. Good on you x

Sounds like a horrendous day and I’d be supporting DD to not attend in whatever way I was most comfortable with.

Also I think prepping a comedy routine for someone who doesn’t want to do it is an awful idea

So do I.
She’d be bound to feel even worse if she did all the prep work and still felt unable to do it.

As a chronically shy child, this would have evoked the same response in me. And honestly, how many adults could confidently stand there and deliver stand up comedy? What a ridiculous activity for teens, who are known for being self-conscious.

I very much doubt they'll be expected to produce a whole stand up routine. They'll learn techniques to inject humour into a presentation and then deliver it. Really useful for presentation skills to be able to get a bit of a laugh and win over an audience. There will be loads of prep and all the kids will follow the same structure.

I'd send my kids and tell them to try their best. We all have moments of mortification in life. I remember having to improvise horse racing commentary in front of my class for 10 minutes. It was dreadful, mainly because I didn't know what I was talking about. I learnt from that to always prepare well and know my subject if presenting and always have since.

Public speaking is a life skill. I've done it many times.
Stand up comedy however.... I've made it to my mid 50s and never once needed that skill.
I wouldn't be going either.

My child doesn't go to the pe days at the end of term. They work very hard the rest of the term but pe isn't their thing and we are not bothered about making them do things for the sake or it.

I would contact the school now and say she won’t be attending, and that she has had a full on panic attack this weekend about it and you are not prepared for her to go through another one

If your daughter felt that unwell when you were talking about it, the thought of having to take part may mean she actually ends up being ill on the day.

My mum was like you and would have made me go in for the Year 9 session. But this day sounds utterly bananas and she absolutely would have allowed me a "tactical migraine" as she called it.

This. Because she has had a panic attack over this. It’s not a lie.