To lie to the school for DD?

[Ankther]

DD is in Year 12. Her school runs a ‘Year 12 leadership day’ every year on the last day before May half-term with two half-day activities - usually army-style fitness and debating.

Dd certainly hasn’t been looking forward to this - not so much the debating part (she’s good at English/history and can put together strong arguments) but the army fitness element really isn’t her thing. She’s rubbish at PE but probably more to the point, she struggles socially, and just can’t get on board with ‘enforced fun’ type activities that require everyone to make a fool of themselves in front of others.

She previously had to do an army fitness afternoon in Year 9 - she had been begging me to let her skip it for weeks but I took the line that it’s important to do things that don’t come naturally to you and made her go in. Additionally, honesty is incredibly important to me and I’ve never been willing to lie to the school and tell them she’s ill when she isn’t. However, as soon as she got home she proudly told me that she’d done one activity and then told the teachers she felt dizzy and sat out the rest of the afternoon.

She hadn’t asked to skip the day this time around - I imagine she was planning to sit most of the fitness activities out again like she did in Year 9. However, she found out on Friday that the morning activity isn’t debating but instead a stand-up comedy workshop, which is her absolute worst nightmare. The prospect of having to stand up in front of her peers and try to tell jokes while no one laughs is totally terrifying and humiliating for her.

The usual lines about school preparing for you for adult life where you sometimes have to do things you don’t want aren’t going to work here - as she’s pointed out repeatedly, I’ve never had to do a stand-up comedy workshop or an army fitness day at work… When I tried to discuss it with her calmly this afternoon it ended up with her hyperventilating and having a full-blown panic attack. It took nearly an hour to get her breathing normally again.

She’s now said she simply isn’t going into school on that day, and it’s up to me whether I lie and tell them she’s ill, or if I tell the truth. She’s 17 and I can’t physically force her onto the school bus against her will, so I guess that’s the decision I have to make.

On the one hand, if I tell the school the truth, I worry that it will reflect badly on her - the school have been clear that they expect 100% attendance - and it could maybe even impact the reference they give her for her UCAS application next year (may well be paranoia on my part).

On the other hand, even if I say she’s ill, I’m fairly sure her teachers will see right through it - they know her and they’re fully aware this day is her worst nightmare. Plus she’s never missed school due to illness before so it would be pretty convenient for her to suddenly be ill now. And as I mentioned above, honesty is a key value of mine - I will find it very difficult to lie to the school, and I’m concerned that it’s Dd’s default response to get out of something she doesn’t want to do.

Would you lie to the school in this scenario?
(YABU = tell the school the truth / YANBU = lie and tell the school she’s ill)

Suspected food poisoning, they'll think you're being responsible. At that age & those circumstances it wouldn't concern me. If you're an awful liar - email.

I'd tell the school that she is getting very upset, and anxious about it, and really really doesn't want to do it, and honestly she shouldn't be forced to do it. I highly doubt it's a part of the school curriculum, so they shouldn't force children to participate, if they really don't want to!

I agree with you.

Speak to her tutor/head of year and see if there’s another role that can be carved out for her that day.
if they are inflexible, lie for her

Could you speak to the college and ask of she could do other duties that day? There will be others who don't feel comfortable and no one will be forced to stand up.

Guess I’m saying that she’s taking a stand and not just going along with something she knows she REALLY just doesn’t want to do. Rather than just going along with it and hating every second of it. And that should be encouraged.

youre right you have to push yourself out of your comfort zone to grow and need to try new things but there are things we just no are not our thing and being able to say no is as much of a power as saying yes. Especially when it takes a lot to say no because it’s enforced by school teachers and peers.

But she has made the decision based on hearing three words of what it is.

if she is fully informed about what the session involves then fair enough but she needs to find out more before she is congratulated on making the decision. As harsh as this may sound, her approach won’t make her a good employee.

Have a look at university open days on that day and actually go to one together, then you won’t be lying.

I feel stressed just reading this. I am not under confident or scared of public speaking, but I know that feeling quite deeply of being in a situation you really can't tolerate. I'm only a page in, so commenting blind, but hope she's ok and you feel you can step in and give her an out.

I agree with this. I also think it's more valuable to teach someone that they can opt out of situations that make them deeply uncomfortable. I know this is something I really needed to learn at her age, much more than I needed to do stand-up.

Sounds like absolute hell and I would 100% phone in sick for my kids because of it

Ooh god yes tell um she’s ill , bless her heart it’d be vile for her

But how many of those kids will have had a panic attack lasting for 1 hour at just the thought of it? Not many, I imagine.

I’ve done this for my dd in year 13 for a similar thing I just said she has terrible anxiety about it.its not a lie then. Oddly I have less hassle when I say she has anxiety and needs a day off against needing a day off for a really horrid cold or something, which I can’t say I’m particularly pleased about the new guidelines schools are pushing about illness .. more germs sweeping around schools and I do think kids should be entitled to be off if they feel that poorly - you won’t learn much anyway!

Im a teacher and id definitely say she's ill. Sounds awful and when things like that happened when i was at school (granted a million years ago) no chance id have been there, id have bunked off 😂

I'd show your daughter support on this one and say she's poorly. I couldn't care less what the school thought. I don't think it's fair to make kids do something like that.

Have you booked any holiday on school days this year? You can book up to 10 sessions (5 days) without accruing a fine. As a teacher I wouldn’t normally advise this… but the day sounds like hell for your DD and she wouldn’t be missing anything academic.

It’s 6th form, you don’t get fined

I think she needs to learn to stand up for herself in explaining to Head of Sixth Form that she's happy to attend the day and support her classmates, but is not willing to participate in the stand-up comedy debate. If she's nervous, then you could write a letter explaining this has your backing. What are they going to do? They can ask her to stand on a stage, but can't force her to speak. If they push, she just states "I am not willing to participate in this activity." Would she be willing to offer herself as a professional heckler, so other girls can optionally give her a line to throw to them so they can deliver a punchline?

This is my thoughts. College should know that organising such activities isn’t the best idea for some. I would hate both. Trying to make them mandatory is ridiculous- they should allow some to opt out and provide something more generic for others.

that said, of telling the truth doesn’t feel right then I would tell them she is ill. As another poster said, her having a panic attack is an illness.

I've never had to do anything like that ever. Work nights out, sure, but they're voluntary.

god I’d hate that! I’d let her have the day off, then take her out for a girly day. No army fitness and comedy workshop is ever going to be worth the anxiety this is causing.

Oh my god-I feel sick for her! This would be my utter worst nightmare, I hate doing all this stuff and don’t see why doing any of this prepares them for adulthood-I wouldn’t have any problem lying for my daughter! To be honest I would be happy telling the truth as to why she is so uncomfortable doing this as I a lot of adults would also be

I think your DDs school is being totally unreasonable about this-and I think your daughter's response is entirely reasonable.
As a teenager I was cripplingly self conscious, so the thought of being forced to do 'stand up' would have tipped me over the edge too. I also loathed army style fitness boot camps (still do) and tbh avoiding those things has NEVER held me back in life nor in my career.
Forcing individuals to do things which as adults many of us would never need to/choose to do is just abusive. The Headmistress is way out of line here.
You are rightly going to support your daughter's decision not to participate. How does she want to play this? Does she prefer that you simply tell the school she's ill or would she support you telling them why she doesn't want to attend?
Personally I'd go for telling the school she's unwell (as others have said, a panic attack is no small matter) and then forget about the whole ridiculous day altogether.
Attending a boot camp/Stand up event will NOT make a blind bit of difference to DDs career or her life. The only way it would impact her is that she'll be traumatised for a very long time if she's forced to participate!

Agree with this 1000%.
It took me years of pain to learn the hard way as an adult that its ok to say no and to opt out.
One example was going into work the DAY after an extremely traumatic medical event and spending the day crying hysterically in a side room.
Any normal person would have just called in sick but I wasn't brought up that way.
I'm all for resilience and pushing yourself out of your comfort zone- but not so far out that you fall off the cliff completely!!

Please tell the school she is ill. I was like your daughter in school, even reading that as an adult made me quiver.