To lie to the school for DD?

[Ankther]

DD is in Year 12. Her school runs a ‘Year 12 leadership day’ every year on the last day before May half-term with two half-day activities - usually army-style fitness and debating.

Dd certainly hasn’t been looking forward to this - not so much the debating part (she’s good at English/history and can put together strong arguments) but the army fitness element really isn’t her thing. She’s rubbish at PE but probably more to the point, she struggles socially, and just can’t get on board with ‘enforced fun’ type activities that require everyone to make a fool of themselves in front of others.

She previously had to do an army fitness afternoon in Year 9 - she had been begging me to let her skip it for weeks but I took the line that it’s important to do things that don’t come naturally to you and made her go in. Additionally, honesty is incredibly important to me and I’ve never been willing to lie to the school and tell them she’s ill when she isn’t. However, as soon as she got home she proudly told me that she’d done one activity and then told the teachers she felt dizzy and sat out the rest of the afternoon.

She hadn’t asked to skip the day this time around - I imagine she was planning to sit most of the fitness activities out again like she did in Year 9. However, she found out on Friday that the morning activity isn’t debating but instead a stand-up comedy workshop, which is her absolute worst nightmare. The prospect of having to stand up in front of her peers and try to tell jokes while no one laughs is totally terrifying and humiliating for her.

The usual lines about school preparing for you for adult life where you sometimes have to do things you don’t want aren’t going to work here - as she’s pointed out repeatedly, I’ve never had to do a stand-up comedy workshop or an army fitness day at work… When I tried to discuss it with her calmly this afternoon it ended up with her hyperventilating and having a full-blown panic attack. It took nearly an hour to get her breathing normally again.

She’s now said she simply isn’t going into school on that day, and it’s up to me whether I lie and tell them she’s ill, or if I tell the truth. She’s 17 and I can’t physically force her onto the school bus against her will, so I guess that’s the decision I have to make.

On the one hand, if I tell the school the truth, I worry that it will reflect badly on her - the school have been clear that they expect 100% attendance - and it could maybe even impact the reference they give her for her UCAS application next year (may well be paranoia on my part).

On the other hand, even if I say she’s ill, I’m fairly sure her teachers will see right through it - they know her and they’re fully aware this day is her worst nightmare. Plus she’s never missed school due to illness before so it would be pretty convenient for her to suddenly be ill now. And as I mentioned above, honesty is a key value of mine - I will find it very difficult to lie to the school, and I’m concerned that it’s Dd’s default response to get out of something she doesn’t want to do.

Would you lie to the school in this scenario?
(YABU = tell the school the truth / YANBU = lie and tell the school she’s ill)

I'd let her skip. It's not worth it at this point in her schooling. One day isn't going to help or hinder her. If she really doesn't want to go, I wouldn't make her go.

1 day won't make a difference to ucas.
And her mental health is more important.
Just back her up

I always find it odd when someone says they don’t want to do something and readers do in about how great they are as a result as though all the girls who do conform are a bit weak.

I am not saying that the ops daughter isn’t great, but how you reach the conclusion is off.

and yes I do appreciate knowing what you don’t want is good to some extent but you don’t learn what you do and don’t like if you’re not willing to try things.

It won’t make a difference to ucas but the skills she could learn that day might make the difference between her interviewing well and and getting a job versus not. You never know.

"Daughter won't be in on this date because she has a panic attack even thinking about and it's affecting her mental health."

It’s ridiculous that the school is making 6th form students do such silly activities. She’s practically an adult. Too bad she didn’t go to college where the students are treated with more respect. I’d phone in and lie for her.

What a load of rubbish . She will probably spend the day having a panic attack worrying she has to stand up in front of everyone and try and make them laugh.

as she’s pointed out repeatedly, I’ve never had to do a stand-up comedy workshop or an army fitness day at work…

Well no, but you're expected to do things which perhaps are daunting the first time or that you aren't that keen or familiar with. Like most of school, its not the content that's as important overall as learning the skills to be able to learn and access info, and soft skills to navigate the world.

That said, if its going to cause this much stress and angst I'd just let it go.

I’d quite like to try a stand up comedy workshop. What I absolutely would HATE is being forced into it, on that alone if it was something work was organising I’d say no.

Tell school she’s not coming in because their ridiculous workshop has given her anxiety and panic attacks so she is unwell.

Any pp commenting that the DD should do this herself have not read the OP’s comments about how strict the school is about absence reporting.

Just say that this is causing her undue anxiety and you don't want to subject her to it. It has no real importance and isn't worth the stress it will put her through.

Well surely the starting point is to find out more about what it involves to see if that’s really the case before deciding she just won’t do it. You might think it sounds ridiculous but if her attitude is I don’t like the sound of it (without even really knowing what it is) so I am not doing it then she is not very employable.

However, she found out on Friday that the morning activity isn’t debating but instead a stand-up comedy workshop, which is her absolute worst nightmare. The prospect of having to stand up in front of her peers and try to tell jokes while no one laughs is totally terrifying and humiliating for her.

Oh good grief, that's excruciating. I'd let her stay off 'sick.' There's no way i'd force my children to do that. I imagine lots of kids will be off 'sick' that day.

I would be truthful with the school and say she finds the idea of the planned activities distressing and that you don’t consent for her to take part. Schools often plan these things on the assumption that it will bring more introverted teens out of their shell. In my experience, it rarely does.

This. Yes, often in school you have to do things that you don't want to do, just as in the adult world. And sometimes in the adult world you do have to do so-called 'teambuilding' activities which you really do not want to do.

This is an opportunity for her to learn and practice more crucial adulting skills: self-advocacy and asserting boundaries. She should attend and, if invited to take the stage, say "No, thank you."

I do agree that if it is giving her panic attacks then she is actually ill.

However, the chances of her being expected to get up and do a stand up routine in front of her peers are vanishingly small. I'm a Drama teacher and have often taught a stand up comedy lesson within a unit of work on comedy acting. There's no requirement on any pupil to deliver any kind of stand up routine unless they volunteer to. There's some introductory activities, examples and guidance on both writing and performing stand up then pupils are asked who would like to give it a go. There's usually about 20-25% of them who want to and the rest don't. Groups are then formed based on one performer and 3-4 collaborators. They write the routine as a group and one pupil performs it. Nobody is humiliated, they support each other, use their different strengths and have fun.

There is no way either of my DD’s would have done this (and one is v outgoing). It will not affect her ucas reference at all not to do it. Definitely let her sit this one out. I imagine it would not be as terrible as I think your DD (and most of us) are imagining as I can’t actually think of any yr12 I know (and I know a lot) who would do this willingly, but even so, it’s not worth the anxiety.

This is a very good wording of I think too is a good way of handling this. Back up your daughter, its a ridiculous programme.

I’d like to say that you should make her, that it’s resilience building, she should advocate for herself blah blah… but I’d be a total hypocrite if I did. My kids hated sports day (autism/ADHD). One year I agreed they could both ‘come down with a stomach bug’. Thing was DH decided he would WFH that day, so I had to be seen to take them to school… I drove them to Thorpe Park instead and picked them up at 430. As DH and I don’t do lies or secrets, I did eventually tell him, but it was about 3 months ago and 4 years after the fact. It took him a whole day to get over it. The longest held secret/fib ever in out 33 year relationship.

But my eldest is off to uni soon, so I don’t feel guilty about it anymore. Well, not much.

Absolutely this.

This is just the sort of thing that would be vetoed instantly at my workplace if someone suggested it. It would be different if the stand up was one of a range of options for the day, but this just seems unhinged. I wouldn't want to do it either!

She is ill , they have made her ill with a panic attack and anxiety over this ridiculous day.

I would be very careful with approaching form tutor. However great they are you can’t put them in position to cover for DD or whatever. Considering the personality of headmistress it might be really tricky situation for the form tutor. Once you’ve heard something you can’t unheard it.
So I would keep my mouth shut, tell DD to do the same ( not even to a friend) and then call her sick on the day. If you were asked (only if ) I would tell them that she was very anxious about the event and had a panic attack on the day.

P.S. honesty is great but complete honesty is unrealistic. I’m sure you are not completely honest all the time. And schools don’t care about parents honesty, they just care about the results.

Yes tell the school she’s having a mental health day, due to the anxiety caused by this ridiculous stand up comedy day!

This!

Absolutely! Be on your daughter's side! Whatever idiotic activity they come up with - she does not have to comply. Their job is to teach, not to indoctrinate with idiotic army-like and corporate-like nonsense. Politely lying is better than confronting them - they will be writing her reference for uni, after all.

When my DD gets anxious I do the “Chandler in Friends getting married” routine… just one step at a time!
Say to her - “if you don’t want to do the routine, we can cancel going to school the night before and I will ring in for you, but meanwhile let’s just prep it as a laugh … just in case”. Sometimes fear of something is huge because of lack of preparation.
Then, maybe, ask chat gpt to write a short 2 min comedy routine on “how stand up comedy in school is ridiculous as she never wants to be a comedien and why are teachers forcing her”. Prompt it to write in the style of her favourite comedian. See if she and you can cobble something funny together.
Have fun together writing it and see if you can make eachother laugh as a family one evening trying out the jokes and imagining saying this in front of the teachers . Do this always with the proviso she can drop out.
Then get her to read it out to you and your family.
Then discuss if she did do it - what would she wear?
Then practice the routine a few times - you read it out, get her to read it out - discuss delivery style for certain parts.
Then if she doesn’t want to do it the night before, say that’s a shame and make an excuse for her. She can at least submit the script to her teachers and your excuse that she’s sick will sound reasonable as she’s prepped for it.
You may find if she’s prepped she talks herself in to going @Ankther and that’s the key. If she likes her script and can engage herself delivering it in her outfit she may push herself or she may not. If she does, she will feel GREAT and it will help her for next time. If she doesn’t - well she’s tried and read it out to you and learned that preparation is helpful x