Would this upset you? Mother of Groom

[Weddingspeechsad]

Would you be upset if your son got married and made a speech and thanked both families. Thanks Mum and Dad for everything and brides family for welcoming him into it.

Bride then stands up and does a speech. Thanks both families and grooms parents for welcoming her into their family and being kind. Then does a whole section on her Mum and how much she loves her, how there’s not usually any special moment for mother of the bride in the wedding so special mention for all of the help she’s given.

would you feel upset and singled out as mother of groom? For context I’ve really tried with her, invite them over for lunch and takeaway but always too busy. She is always pleasant enough but quite prickly. Myself and his dad both gave approx £1k each (divorced) towards wedding. Feeling quite hurt but not sure if AIBU.

Yes really you need a wobble and are massively overthinking this. If anyone were to give extended thanks to you and his DF as individuals it would be your son, not your DiL.
The bride thanked the single mother who raised her and with whom she is close as a consequence. She also thanked your family and others.

I have both DiLs and SiLs and love them all but my DC have been with me since before they were born and I know them and am close to them in a completely different way. Its a different relationship, I’m not their parent.

I am a mum to adult sons, it’s sounds like your son did a lovely speech & his new wife. I would expect a DIL to favour her mum usually it’s no reflection on you.

Even posing this question seems unhinged. Good luck to the bride; she's going to need it.

Its her mum, you could turn the sky pink for her, she's still going to have more love for her mum.

If anyone was to include you personally it should have been your DD..

When I read your post I immediately thought 'I bet DIL was brought up by a single mother'. Sometimes when a child and mother are very close there is just no space in the (adult) child's life for any kind of other mother figure. It sounds weird, but perhaps (on a subconscious level) DIL would feel disloyal to her mum if she let herself build a relationship with you, especially as for many years her mum has been the only kind of real parent she has had - it seems from her speech that she feels a fierce loyalty to her mum (probably a defensive mechanism she learnt growing up - as in her mum gave her twice as much love as a 'normal' mother to compensate for the lack of a dad).

My own mum had a similar issue to you, but the other way round. She had a very bad relationship with her mum and she really hoped to be close to her mother-in-law, but mother-in-law wasn't interested in any relationship with her beyond being polite.

Sometimes these things just happen, try not to take it personally. Be consistently polite and open to your DIL. Maybe, in-time, you can establish a relationship with her that you both enjoy and her tiny (probably subconscious) slight at you at her wedding will be forgotten.

YABU. It sounds like both your son and new DIL thanked you. If anything I feel sorry for the DIL as normally the father of the bride talks about his daughter as the best man does for the groom. Maybe the mother felt awkward about doing that and her daughter decided to make her speech about her sole parent not mothers in general.

Hopefully OP will be mindful from the start not to make everything a competition with the bride's mother.

And prepare herself that it's normal to be closer to her own mum when you are pregnant, giving birth, with a new baby... That woman has changed her nappies, seen in any state and conditions, of course you are closer to your mum - who is literally designed to look after you.

It's normal not to be as close to MIL and not want to be seen by her when you are feeling a mess.

Her mum brought her up - damn right she gets to tell everyone how thankful she is and how much she loves her. Maybe making up for the fact she didn’t have a father of the bride speech which is common place.

Your son should have gushed about you - if appropriate. Not bride’s job to gush about you. I love my mother in law but barely mentioned her when I spoke. I spoke more about my dead mum who I missed.

Please give your head a wobble and don’t become THAT mother in law

Yes! You’re being very unreasonable.

This is as her opportunity to speak lovingly of her mum and the support she’s given her up until this point. Her mum was probably very involved in all the wedding planning.

Don’t be ‘that’ mother in law! And I write this as a mum of boys.

But the groom and his mother usually have a dance at the reception (at least here). There typically isn't anything for the mother of the bride at all.

Even so, her thanking her mother is not a reflection on you. If I were a guest at the wedding I wouldn't think anything of her not mentioning you or your son not doing something similar. I wouldn't be thinking "oh well @Weddingspeechsad must be a terrible mother since no one made a special speech about her."

So your son thanked you in the speeches…. so heartfelt that you cried.

Your new DIL also thanked you for welcoming her into the family.

But that’s good enough and you are pissed off ? 🤯

I understand you’re saying that your DIL has said there’s no role for the MOB and you’re saying there’s no role for MOG either and this wasn’t acknowledged. But she isn’t thinking about you in this context, she’s comparing it to the FOB role who has a large part in a wedding. Rather than skip the FOB speech she’s decided to give her own speech about her mum. So it’s all about context. Equally there’s no role for the FOG either.

If you're starting off like this it will only end in tears. You'll never have the relationship you wish for with her if you carry on with this silly tit for tat approach. She thanked you, end of.

I hate to tell you this OP, but at our wedding nobody said anything about you at all.

I'm fairly sure that after last year's FA Cup final the winning captain didn't mention you either.

There are now two MILs, don’t be the one no one wants to see. Glad to hear you’ve wobbled your head 👍

You had more than me, I didn't even get a thank you, but you can't change the way it's going to pan out regardless of what you do. Just grin and bear it, thats what we do xx

You need to get a grip

I think she meant there’s no special role for the mother of the bride compared to the father of the bride- makes sense as she was raised by her mum and doesn’t have a relationship with her dad.
She wasnt making a comparison to the mother of the groom- the comparison was to the father of the bride. You have really unnecessarily centred yourself in this but I understand that’s easy to do when you are feeling sensitive and insecure. So yes just give your head a wobble and try not to take everything your DIL does personally- it will only make things harder xx

Your son thanked you . The bride thanked you for welcoming her into the family. I think you are wrong to it to heart/take it personally about the speech she made about her mother.

Why is it down to the bride to give a gushing speech about her new MiL? I hope you don't spend the rest of their married life blaming her for your son's shortcomings...although I rather suspect you will.

Another vote for YABU. She’s the bride, of course her speech isn’t going to mention you! Her single mum brought her up with little/no support from the father and they’re close so it’s lovely that she chose her wedding speech to mark their bond and her mum’s sacrifice/love.

That you even expect to feature is a bit egotistical.

A woman when getting married naturally turns to her own mother and so her mother would be more involved. It is not anything you have done/ not done. If your daughter rather than your son was getting married she would do the same with you.
Men just don't seek the same parental involvement

Why on earth would her wedding speech be about you? It’s for your son to gush over you, not her. It sounds like you are actively looking for reasons to be offended.

The reality is she will always be closer to her mum than you. Her mum will be the one there helping her after she gives birth and adapts to being a mum, assuming they have children, and it sounds like if something as small as a wedding speech upset you, that’s going to upset you a great deal more. Would strongly recommend you start adjusting to the reality that you are her MIL, not another mum.

I’ve had a good think about this since the wedding and I guess I feel a little pushed out, yes. I do actually really like DIL, she’s very good for him.

He’s my youngest and my nest officially feels empty and I think it’s making me sad that I feel like I’m trying and getting nowhere with her. My son came to live with me at 16 and then it was just me and him for a few years until he moved in with DIL. I got used to it being just us. I then had to get used to all of these new rules in place and being told how I could and couldn’t act around him, that I know were instigated by her even if he says they weren’t, and it does feel a little as if she’s tried to push me out and not allow me to be a part of the family. I think that’s why I was feeling a little upset at the speech.

Dont be so ridiculous!