Teenage DS masturbation detritus

[Corkstone]

Not sure what topic this should go in, so sorry for the AIBU. I’m looking for advice though.

I am a single mum to three DCs. I have two DDs (17 and 15) and a DS (14). DS’s puberty has been more awkward for me to be helpful with than my DDs’ was for obvious reasons, and his dad has been good, in fairness. But it has become clear recently that he has been masturbating and I don’t know what to do (if anything) about the mess. .

To be clear I have no problem at all with masturbation. If anything I’m pleased for him. But i don’t need or appreciate the tissues not disposed of properly, and I think he is using a towel to ‘clean up’ which I don’t like the thought of but particularly.

I don’t know how to bring this up in a way that isn’t excruciatingly embarrassing for him (and me!). I don’t even know whether to bring it up. But at the same time I want him to know what’s an acceptable way of behaving.

I’ve never discussed masturbation generally with him, and I think I doubled the one occasion with my elder DD when she accidentally found my vibrator a few years back and the shock and embarrassment on all sides meant it was too awful to talk normally!

Another fear is that one of my DDs will go into DC’s room and see the evidence, which would lead to jokes etc which wouldn’t be fair.

Any advice?

I think just a no nonsense - “can you please clean that up” is sufficient. Very firmly! You don’t need to say you know what it’s for. Just it’s gross to leave dirty towels/tissues lying around.

Yes. Definitely matter of fact. Put a box of tissues in his room and tell him to dispose of them in the bin.

has he got a bin
next time you blow your nose in front of him just casually say your rooms a tip can you put your tissue in the bin no need to mention wanking

I'd treat it like any other mess he made and didn't clear up. Tell him what he should do to clear up correctly, very nonchalant/matter of fact and move on. Could say if he has any questions he can speak to you if you would like that type of relationship.
I wouldn't make a big deal of it, if you kead with awkwardness he will definitely follow. If you lead with a 'tgis isn't a big deal' attitude then he'll be less awkward/defensive.

I'd go with very matter of fact.
Hey son, make sure you clean up your tissues etc as I'm not going to.

You don't need to say much more, he'll get it !

Thanks all. Yes he does have a bin in his room. And he’s normally quite tidy. I guess it’s about asking him to make sure the bin is emptied, and that dirty towels are put in the wash. He is using the bin in the main. Just not emptying it.

The towel thing bothers me though as we have shared towels as a family so even after a wash another of us may use it. Not sure how I can ask him to stop using the towel without mentioning what I mean.

Do you discuss the origins of all of your requests? Tell him to clean up, you’re over thinking it!

Could you buy him a set of differently coloured towels?
I tend to have 2 nice sets that are "mine" and then my DSs use the others.
Or perhaps you can give him a distinct towel and say " this one is for your room, pop in the wash when you are finished with it" without mentioning what it is for?

If he spilled orange juice and wiped it up, but the side was still dirty you would explain what items to use and your expectations.
Tell him 'oh towels aren't the best thing for that, I've put x in your room. That's your responsibility to clean up, empty the bin etc.'

Maybe I am overthinking it, but I just don’t want him to be embarrassed. It’s obviously a private thing that he probably doesn’t want his mum knowing about, and if I pointed out the evidence of it (even without mentioning the origins of the evidence) there is that risk. Hence me wondering if I should just let it go. I am obviously capable of emptying his bin etc myself. But I want him to know what’s socially acceptable so wouldn’t necessarily want to let it go.

I also have a 14yo DS, who suddenly has toilet rolls in his bed and under his bed, and used toilet roll stuffed everywhere. I have the added complications that he has social anxiety, and shuts down conversations. I haven't tried to discuss masterbation for these reasons. (Nurse for 36 yrs, no embarrassment on my side). I have just, however, done a deep clean of his room. Discussed the tissues and other rubbish found stuffed everywhere, provided a small pedal bin, and made it clear it must be used. There will be sanctions if bin is not used.

If he's using the bin, then just ask him to empty the bin at the same time as you ask everyone else.

Regarding the towel, is it a full size bath towel? Does anyone else in the family keep a full size bath towel in their room? If not, that's your way of getting it out of there - just say no need to keep it there.

If he was embarrassed he would dispose of the spunk tissues!

What’s the alternative op? You just tip toe around not wanting to mention the W word while avalanches of crusty tissues spill out from his bedroom room door? You and your daughters wading through them catching each others’ eye and signalling ‘ssshhh’ indicating you don’t want to ask your son to clean up the mess in case he knows you know he wanks?

I think the towel thing I’d say - and can you please only use the towels for after a bath/shower rather than for cleaning up as they’re getting dirty. To be honest I’d be annoyed about the towels and probably say something like ”that’s gross please don’t use the towels for that” but I’ve three boys and it’s all quite down to earth here!!🤣

I'm sorry if I've missed this but why can't his father chat to him about what to do?

@Corkstone just grit your teeth and tell him! Yes he’ll be embarrassed but he’ll get over it. Channel a head girl vibe. That’s what I do in these situations 🤣

Line the bin with a bag. Put a roll of bin liners in his room. Tell him that the new way is that he ties the bin bag up when the bins full and puts it out and puts a new liner in the bin.

Buy some new towels. Tell him that he's to use the grey/green whatever towels and that you girls need your own towels.

Why should he! A mother is perfectly capable. Goodness me!

While I understand you not wanting to clean up after him, the towels should be fine after a wash....

Some good ideas here, thank you.

I think just being clear that towels are dirty and that they’re only for their proper use rather than ‘cleaning up’ would be a good non-embarrassing form of words.

To be honest I’m slightly ashamed as
a parent that I can’t have a more frank chat to my DCs about this kind of thing. But fingers crossed I will find a way to sort this using your tips.

@Corkstone just get him his own towel?? And remind him dirty rubbish goes in the bin. If he wants "private" time tell him to use the bathroom.... I'm a mum of two teenage sons so have been there.

Of course. But if Mum would rather not do it, then why can't Dad do it?

I'd rather not change the tyre on my car, so DH does it.

Just because I CAN do something, doesn't mean I WANT to. Sharing is what relationships are about.....or am I wrong?

I would not share towels if possible. If anyone has an infection it can spread.varookas and so on
Asda or SB have reasonably priced bath towels .just say everyone we are getting a towel each different colours for all.also just say tissues in bins or down loo.make it general for all

Good luck. I think once you get the first conversation over with you’ll be fine. Just try to treat it as any other mess he’s made. I’m probably relaxed because I live in a house of men!