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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Teenage DS masturbation detritus

145 replies

Corkstone · 11/05/2025 07:05

Not sure what topic this should go in, so sorry for the AIBU. I’m looking for advice though.

I am a single mum to three DCs. I have two DDs (17 and 15) and a DS (14). DS’s puberty has been more awkward for me to be helpful with than my DDs’ was for obvious reasons, and his dad has been good, in fairness. But it has become clear recently that he has been masturbating and I don’t know what to do (if anything) about the mess. .

To be clear I have no problem at all with masturbation. If anything I’m pleased for him. But i don’t need or appreciate the tissues not disposed of properly, and I think he is using a towel to ‘clean up’ which I don’t like the thought of but particularly.

I don’t know how to bring this up in a way that isn’t excruciatingly embarrassing for him (and me!). I don’t even know whether to bring it up. But at the same time I want him to know what’s an acceptable way of behaving.

I’ve never discussed masturbation generally with him, and I think I doubled the one occasion with my elder DD when she accidentally found my vibrator a few years back and the shock and embarrassment on all sides meant it was too awful to talk normally!

Another fear is that one of my DDs will go into DC’s room and see the evidence, which would lead to jokes etc which wouldn’t be fair.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Tweedled · 11/05/2025 08:54

I would ask him to make sure all tissues are in the bin and the bin emptied regularly.
Regarding the towels tell him that the towels are to be used for drying hands/bodies after a shower and nothing else.

Corkstone · 11/05/2025 08:54

AllThatGlistensIsntCold · 11/05/2025 08:40

Noooo!

Surely he can use a towel in his room?

Are you thinking these are communal towels?

Mine always had their own towels (and luckily we have an en suite) but even if we didn't everyone has their own towel and the kids were different colours (to avoid mixing them up.)

Edited

Just to be clear on the towel situation!

Everyone has their own when they’re using it, but then it goes in the wash and when it comes out again it might be reallocated to a different person. We don’t share towels in between washes!

I don’t have any real worries about using a towel previously used by DS after a wash. But it’s just a bit of an icky thought. Although I guess when I think about it it’s no ickier than it having been halfway up someone’s bum or whatever. Probably why I don’t think about it much!

OP posts:
AllThatGlistensIsntCold · 11/05/2025 08:55

The towel thing bothers me though as we have shared towels as a family so even after a wash another of us may use it. Not sure how I can ask him to stop using the towel without mentioning what I mean.

Quite frankly, the most awful thing in all of this is that you share towels!
That really isn't hygienic. A towel per person is essential. You and your DDs dry all your bits (okay you've had a shower, but still...) it's not great. You can still catch thrush and athletes foot etc.

I think you need to start giving everyone their own towel and in different colours if they need them.

Getting wound up over tissues on the floor but sharing family towels is bizarre.
Sorry!

Comedycook · 11/05/2025 08:58

AllThatGlistensIsntCold · 11/05/2025 08:55

The towel thing bothers me though as we have shared towels as a family so even after a wash another of us may use it. Not sure how I can ask him to stop using the towel without mentioning what I mean.

Quite frankly, the most awful thing in all of this is that you share towels!
That really isn't hygienic. A towel per person is essential. You and your DDs dry all your bits (okay you've had a shower, but still...) it's not great. You can still catch thrush and athletes foot etc.

I think you need to start giving everyone their own towel and in different colours if they need them.

Getting wound up over tissues on the floor but sharing family towels is bizarre.
Sorry!

Edited

Surely if you wash on a hot wash, it's fine. Do you use hotel towels?

AllThatGlistensIsntCold · 11/05/2025 08:59

Corkstone · 11/05/2025 08:54

Just to be clear on the towel situation!

Everyone has their own when they’re using it, but then it goes in the wash and when it comes out again it might be reallocated to a different person. We don’t share towels in between washes!

I don’t have any real worries about using a towel previously used by DS after a wash. But it’s just a bit of an icky thought. Although I guess when I think about it it’s no ickier than it having been halfway up someone’s bum or whatever. Probably why I don’t think about it much!

Sorry.

I posted thinking you all shared towels.

I think you're overthinking this a bit. However, the simple answer is to have towels that are 'just for them'. My kids had blue towels (dark and light for each of them) and we had white ones.

As you say, a bit of semen that's been washed at 60C is not worse than anything else left on a towel.

Buy yourself a luxurious towel just for you!

GeorgianaM · 11/05/2025 09:03

‘Stop leaving dirty tissues lying around. Put them in the bin.’

How hard is it to just say that?

Applesonthelawn · 11/05/2025 09:17

You have to be very direct and short and not try to tactfully shuffle around it in the hope he guesses what you are talking about.

Please can you tidy up using disposable tissues only and dispose of them properly. I don't want to see that again. You are becoming an adult and that brings various pleasures and freedoms but there are responsibilities associated with them.

Smile lovingly and hug him if necessary.

JeezLouis · 11/05/2025 09:19

“Son, it’s totally fine and normal to do whatever you want to do, but don’t use the towel for it and please empty the bin” say it with a smile and then allow him to avoid you for a day while his embarrassment subsides

Gia906 · 11/05/2025 09:25

I’d get him a pedal bin with a lid and a roll of liners next to it.

If you can afford to, I’d also get a small, cheap bundle of a different coloured set of towels - maybe smaller hand ones to keep the cost down and less intensive on the washing load. I’d get one for each DC if you don’t want it to be about his masturbating. I was awful for ruining my parents’ nice white ones with makeup as a teen. I’d personally also get a small laundry basket for his room too. I had my own at that age and it was far less embarrassing with period spills.

“Put used tissues in the bin and make sure you put the full liner in the main bin downstairs so it doesn’t overspill. If you’ve been blowing your nose (I wouldn’t mention masturbating 😂), it’s not pleasant to have those around your bedroom.”

“These towels are yours in this colour. Your sisters have their own too. When one is dirty, put it in your laundry bin.”

Gia906 · 11/05/2025 09:26

I’d try to discourage the towel use but wouldn’t want to bring up the masturbating I don’t think….

Valkyrie3 · 11/05/2025 09:27

Just astounded that your son thinks this is ok. It’s so messy and disrespectful.

CharSiu · 11/05/2025 09:28

From secondary school age my kids were responsible for their own rooms. Harvard did an 85 year old study on children doing chores and their future outcomes as an adult, worth a Google.

LoremIpsumCici · 11/05/2025 09:28

Dad should be handling this, not mum.
This is specific to him being a boy. Less embarrassing when it’s a man to man chat.

Valkyrie3 · 11/05/2025 09:29

Does he throw snotty tissues on the floor too? I would be very clear and blunt about this but no need to mention wanking, he just needs to stop being such a lazy, slovenly human being. Full stop.

Deckings · 11/05/2025 09:30

Bloody hell OP,
Short and sharp.
Clear that bin and do not use towels when you clearly should be using tissue.
Look him straight in the eye.
I have boys.
He is too old to be so disrespectful of his home.

He needs to clean up after himself promptly.
This is how some women end up with dirty pigs as husbands.
Don't worry about him being embarrassed, he should be.
He needs to clean up after himself.
Using a family towel is absolutely disgusting and he would be told so.

Totallytoti · 11/05/2025 09:38

You’re his mum use your words. Tell him there’s a big mess around lately and he needs to clean it up. He will get the message. It doesn’t mean you need to tip toe around him, or make special allowances for him. Treat it as any other mess and tell him to clean up. Tell him specifically that he needs to use his own towel. A bit grim though that you all use the same towels.

EdithBond · 11/05/2025 09:39

Hi OP, I’m a lone parent and have young adult DSs.

I wouldn’t talk to him about masturbating. It’s a perfectly natural thing to do. Both young men and young women. But also a private thing, which it’d be excruciating for your parents to talk to you about. It’s important to talk about sex as you go along: consent, safety, contraception, porn etc. But I’d never discuss masturbation.

If he’s leaving tissues lying around his room, don’t mention them specifically, but get him into the routine of tidying his room at least every weekend. Once he’s up on a Saturday. Bed made and/or bedding changed. Dirty clothes in the wash basket. Clean clothes put away. Any rubbish, including tissues, in the bin and empty his bin into the bin outside. Any glasses, cups etc downstairs and washed. School stuff organised. Surfaces wipes. Carpet hoovered.

This is what adults have to learn to do. Men and women. And he’s a young adult. You’re teaching him to look after himself for when he lives independently.

With regards the towel, mine have hooded towelling bathrobes they use for showers and keep on the back of their bedroom door. No need for family towels other than a hand towel. But if he uses towels, then buy two for him in a different colour to the rest of the family, perhaps to match the colour scheme in his room? Dark grey is good for a young man. He keeps his in his bedroom on a hook. Each week, or each time it’s dirty, he puts it in the laundry and uses the clean one, stored in his room. A couple of his own hand towels may also be useful for the masturbation. Again, fresh ones stored in his room.

My DSs also have a box of tissues in their room to stop them endlessly taking toilet roll: not just to masturbate but for colds, as serviettes for snacks etc. He could also have a pack of face wipes or baby wipes, which you buy and leave in his room with the tissues. If he asks what they’re for, say you thought they may be handy for a quick freshen up, e.g. sweaty pits. He may get the message.

Finally, you may already do this, but I never went in my DSs rooms without knocking once they were teens. Partly to avoid walking in on them masturbating. But partly because young adults should be afforded privacy. I didn’t even go in while they were out, other than to perhaps scoop up any dirty crockery when tidying up. But with adult privacy comes adult responsibility. Initially (around 14-15) their rooms got like a landfill site. But once I’d got them into the routine of a weekly clean and tidy, they started to take pride in their rooms and now they do it of their own accord. Obvs still messy, but not with rubbish, dust etc.

He should choose a couple of household chores he’s responsible for every week: taking out the rubbish, hoovering the stairs, mopping/hoovering the hall, sorting clean laundry etc. Plus, washing up/seeing to dishwasher two evenings a week. As should your DDs. You’re now pretty much a household of adult sharers. So the household tasks should be shared. Mine (early 20s/late teens) cook dinner at least once a week now and really enjoy it.

Totallytoti · 11/05/2025 09:39

Deckings · 11/05/2025 09:30

Bloody hell OP,
Short and sharp.
Clear that bin and do not use towels when you clearly should be using tissue.
Look him straight in the eye.
I have boys.
He is too old to be so disrespectful of his home.

He needs to clean up after himself promptly.
This is how some women end up with dirty pigs as husbands.
Don't worry about him being embarrassed, he should be.
He needs to clean up after himself.
Using a family towel is absolutely disgusting and he would be told so.

All
of this, these men are the fault of women who enable this.

AllThatGlistensIsntCold · 11/05/2025 09:53

Totallytoti · 11/05/2025 09:39

All
of this, these men are the fault of women who enable this.

Sorry but that is just cringy. 'when you should be using tissue'.
She may as well just add' wanking' for good measure! @Deckings

No way would I talk to a 14 year old boy like that.

From the age he is now, I'd make him responsible for his room.
I don't think it's right to go in and tidy it up.

My 'rule' was it was their space.
I insisted any crockery was brought downstairs (they didn't eat in their rooms, but would take a coffee mug etc in there.)

I insisted that anything not put in the laundry basket in their bathroom would not be washed. So if they had no clean clothes- their fault.

I'd also ask them to strip their beds and put the sheets etc downstairs or into the machine.

And we all had different coloured towels, so that worked fine.

AllThatGlistensIsntCold · 11/05/2025 09:55

EdithBond · 11/05/2025 09:39

Hi OP, I’m a lone parent and have young adult DSs.

I wouldn’t talk to him about masturbating. It’s a perfectly natural thing to do. Both young men and young women. But also a private thing, which it’d be excruciating for your parents to talk to you about. It’s important to talk about sex as you go along: consent, safety, contraception, porn etc. But I’d never discuss masturbation.

If he’s leaving tissues lying around his room, don’t mention them specifically, but get him into the routine of tidying his room at least every weekend. Once he’s up on a Saturday. Bed made and/or bedding changed. Dirty clothes in the wash basket. Clean clothes put away. Any rubbish, including tissues, in the bin and empty his bin into the bin outside. Any glasses, cups etc downstairs and washed. School stuff organised. Surfaces wipes. Carpet hoovered.

This is what adults have to learn to do. Men and women. And he’s a young adult. You’re teaching him to look after himself for when he lives independently.

With regards the towel, mine have hooded towelling bathrobes they use for showers and keep on the back of their bedroom door. No need for family towels other than a hand towel. But if he uses towels, then buy two for him in a different colour to the rest of the family, perhaps to match the colour scheme in his room? Dark grey is good for a young man. He keeps his in his bedroom on a hook. Each week, or each time it’s dirty, he puts it in the laundry and uses the clean one, stored in his room. A couple of his own hand towels may also be useful for the masturbation. Again, fresh ones stored in his room.

My DSs also have a box of tissues in their room to stop them endlessly taking toilet roll: not just to masturbate but for colds, as serviettes for snacks etc. He could also have a pack of face wipes or baby wipes, which you buy and leave in his room with the tissues. If he asks what they’re for, say you thought they may be handy for a quick freshen up, e.g. sweaty pits. He may get the message.

Finally, you may already do this, but I never went in my DSs rooms without knocking once they were teens. Partly to avoid walking in on them masturbating. But partly because young adults should be afforded privacy. I didn’t even go in while they were out, other than to perhaps scoop up any dirty crockery when tidying up. But with adult privacy comes adult responsibility. Initially (around 14-15) their rooms got like a landfill site. But once I’d got them into the routine of a weekly clean and tidy, they started to take pride in their rooms and now they do it of their own accord. Obvs still messy, but not with rubbish, dust etc.

He should choose a couple of household chores he’s responsible for every week: taking out the rubbish, hoovering the stairs, mopping/hoovering the hall, sorting clean laundry etc. Plus, washing up/seeing to dishwasher two evenings a week. As should your DDs. You’re now pretty much a household of adult sharers. So the household tasks should be shared. Mine (early 20s/late teens) cook dinner at least once a week now and really enjoy it.

This ^^

ApplesinmyPocket · 11/05/2025 10:23

GeorgianaM · 11/05/2025 09:03

‘Stop leaving dirty tissues lying around. Put them in the bin.’

How hard is it to just say that?

Absolutely this. What he does in his room is none of your business and hell would freeze over before I thought it appropriate to talk to a 14-year old son about masturbation, EXCEPT as to where it concerns you, as with the tissues.

Tell him, as per PP, to stop leaving tissues around and to empty his own bin. Buy him a couple of new, distinctive towels.

There is no need to say anything else at all.

Aria2015 · 11/05/2025 10:29

I actually think a bit of embarrassment can be useful in situations like this. Truth is, whether he's sharing a house with family, friends or a partner, he needs to be considerate about things like this. Nothing wrong with wanking, but it's private and so he needs to be discreet and that includes making sure any evidence is cleaned up and disposed of without anyone else encountering it. So he needs to be on top of emptying his own bin and either not using towels or if he is, washing them himself (def not your job!). He might be mortified at having a open discussion about it, but like I said, that can be a great motivator for more considerate behaviour as he'll likely not want to have a repeat conversation about it!

Catsandcannedbeans · 11/05/2025 10:32

“You’d be mortified if you could see my used tampons in the bin wouldn’t you? Exactly so how do you think I feel? Empty your bin son.”

It’s not a one to one comparison, tampons and ejaculate soaked tissues, but that will get the job done.

Randomthoughts992 · 11/05/2025 11:02

personally id act like i thought the tissues etc was for his nose and say if he has a runny nose and needs to wipe at least chuck the tissues after so you dont have to pick them up

TY78910 · 11/05/2025 11:02

Corkstone · 11/05/2025 07:15

Thanks all. Yes he does have a bin in his room. And he’s normally quite tidy. I guess it’s about asking him to make sure the bin is emptied, and that dirty towels are put in the wash. He is using the bin in the main. Just not emptying it.

The towel thing bothers me though as we have shared towels as a family so even after a wash another of us may use it. Not sure how I can ask him to stop using the towel without mentioning what I mean.

I would ask DH to say the towel thing tbh. A bit more relatable and less embarrassing for the both of them.