Teenage DS masturbation detritus

[Corkstone]

Not sure what topic this should go in, so sorry for the AIBU. I’m looking for advice though.

I am a single mum to three DCs. I have two DDs (17 and 15) and a DS (14). DS’s puberty has been more awkward for me to be helpful with than my DDs’ was for obvious reasons, and his dad has been good, in fairness. But it has become clear recently that he has been masturbating and I don’t know what to do (if anything) about the mess. .

To be clear I have no problem at all with masturbation. If anything I’m pleased for him. But i don’t need or appreciate the tissues not disposed of properly, and I think he is using a towel to ‘clean up’ which I don’t like the thought of but particularly.

I don’t know how to bring this up in a way that isn’t excruciatingly embarrassing for him (and me!). I don’t even know whether to bring it up. But at the same time I want him to know what’s an acceptable way of behaving.

I’ve never discussed masturbation generally with him, and I think I doubled the one occasion with my elder DD when she accidentally found my vibrator a few years back and the shock and embarrassment on all sides meant it was too awful to talk normally!

Another fear is that one of my DDs will go into DC’s room and see the evidence, which would lead to jokes etc which wouldn’t be fair.

Any advice?

If he was that bothered about his mum knowing, he wouldn’t leave snail trails all over the towels!
“please only use towels for showering DS, and make sure you regularly empty your bin of tissues” should do it.

OP, I truly don’t understand the towel thing - he uses a towel: he puts it in the laundry basket, you wash it, it’s clean. Consider how a towel is used after a shower or bath- it’s why you wash towels!! It doesn’t matter what it’s been used for: after it’s been washed, it’s clean. If he puts his tissues in the bin and his towel in the laundry basket, where is the problem? I spilt a cup of tea the other day, and grabbed a hand towel to mop it up - and then put said towel into the wash. It’s not rocket science!! Just tell him to ensure that tissues go in the bin and towels into the laundry basket, and you don’t need to go into any further detail.

But come ON, I pushed my son out of my vagina, I'm going to talk to him about his penis! It's not the 1950s

OP you're doing great. Just tell him he's getting older and to make sure he's cleaning up after himself, emptying his own bin, perhaps putting own sheets in the wash. I'd get him his own towels too.

Staff in boys' boarding schools get this all the time. The standard approach is to be kindly but matter of fact. Use bin liner bags in the bedroom bin and make sure there are tissues in the bedroom. Just say tissues are for use for any bodily fluids but must be in the bin, otherwise you'll personally oversee them clearing the room up. Bin bags can be tied up and removed easily without contact with the contents.

All teenagers should have their own towels anyway, different colours or pattern for differentiation. No-one wants to use anyone else's towel however well they're washed, all teenagers should be capable of putting laundry into the laundry basket for washing, so that others aren't picking up crusty stuff. That goes for socks and underwear too.

Don't suggest 'personal time' should be in the bathroom! Surely you aren't banished to the bathroom to use your vibrator?

I would say ‘mate, please stop spunking on my towels. Put your tissues in the bin, tie the bin liner and chuck it in the general rubbish once a week please’.

Make sure there is a bin liner in his pedal bin.

Mucky little sod! I wouldn't be pussyfooting around this tbh. old enough to wank, then old enough to clean up after himself - and not with bloody towels either. OP, just tell him.

Stop sharing towels in general though, that is pretty rank too.

On my house it'd be "boy, stop wanking into the towels would you?"

And that would be the end of it.

I don't understand why the towel thing is an issue? I assume you all use a specific towel each and then chuck it in the wash - at which point it becomes clean again and OK for anyone to use? But regardless I think everyone having their own towels anyway is fairly normal.

I don’t understand why you share towels, people should have their own. Tell him to clear up. It is a difficult time though but honesty is needed here.

15 years ago when my DS was 14/15, I also discovered tissues under his pillow and a loo roll in his bedroom.
Totally oblivious, I asked him if he'd got a cold? He said no...I then said oh, I just noticed the tissues under your pillow.
It solved the problem, they were put in his bin, and emptied.
But it was only later when it dawned on me what the loo roll was for🙄

Unless your towels as a household are single use and go straight in the laundry basket then shared towels are not the way, regardless of what masturbatory habits are under the roof at the time.

Unless you're going to start prescribing if people are not to have access to the shared towel program if they're menstruating, have athletes foot, thrush, any number of less than optimum human conditions then I think it's past high time that the shared family towel institution goes out of the window. That's the problem here, not the wanking. Your embarrassment has got you overthinking. Deal with it like snot.

With respect to the PPs saying ‘just tell him’ or ‘tell him to stop wanking into a towel, job done!’ that’s just not how my household talks!

Call it prudish or repressed or old school or whatever, but there’s almost no parent/child swearing, and no sex talk. That’s not to say it’s considered shameful or embarrassing, just that we don’t. Obviously I’ve dealt with issues as they’ve come up. But if I said ‘wanking’ in front of DS it would be so completely out of character that it would probably do more harm than good. I have never discussed things like that with DDs, and have no idea what they do in that area. just because it’s never come up. If they wanted to talk then of course I would but it’s private so they never have. It’s not like bras and periods were / are.

I’m not going to banish him to the bathroom. Bedroom in private is fine (and what I do, so it would also be hypocritical).

Suggesting that he empty his bin, use his towel only after washing / exercise, and getting him his own towels are sensible suggestions that would fit into our family dynamic. Calling him a dirty bugger for wanking into his spunky towels and sending him off to the bathroom with a cheeky grin on my face is not!

TBH I think teenage boys' rooms are a no-go zone!

Mine used to have all sorts lying on the floor and when I dared venture in, I'd just ignore stuff and give a general 'tidy this all up' message.

He should have his own towel surely anyway - in the bathroom?

My kids' rooms were often a mess- clothes, books, you name it - on the floor. I used to say it was their space and they had to tidy it and clean it.

I think TBH (and kindly) you're making this into a problem that doesn't exist.
He has dirty tissues on the floor.
So?
You don't need to go in and walk on them.

He's old enough now to change his bedding, hoover his room and tidy up.

Pick your battles is my advice.

There's no need to be using towels for that. Ugh.

I'd tell my son to make sure tissues went in the bin, and that emptying his bin was his job. If I remembered, I'd remind him the day before bin day, when I was emptying other bins around the house.

I'd also say something like "Your towel looked like you'd blown your nose on it. Don't do that. That's what tissues are for." I think he'd be well aware that I knew it wasn't his nose!

I placed a discreet bin (lidded) in DS's room and had a quiet room that if there was any tissue could he please place it in the bin. He was slightly embarrassed but it worked. Also useful when condoms start appearing. One of my DCs placed one down the toilet and in our rural system blocked everything up. Somewhat embarrassing when the cause became known.

Sounds like the family I grew up in. I've gone the other way with my dc because it caused so many issues as I got older. Everything that most people considered normal was a source of embarrassment and shame in a "we don't talk about those type of things" way.

I know it’s need said already but having his own towel is the simple solution.

You're overthinking this.

See my previous post.

A simple 'Oh do tidy your room up a bit , dear - all that mess on the floor ' is all you need to say!

'can we keep the towels in the bathroom only please, if you need to clean up a spill in your room use wipes/tissues/whatever, it's gross because we use them on our clean bodies'

And perhaps buy him some wet wipes and leave on the bathroom for family use.

Can you buy him some flannels? Much easier to launder.

Noooo!

Surely he can use a towel in his room?

Are you thinking these are communal towels?

Mine always had their own towels (and luckily we have an en suite) but even if we didn't everyone has their own towel and the kids were different colours (to avoid mixing them up.)

why don't you get our dh to tell him if you're feeling awkward about it?

Give him a box of tissues and a pack of wet wipes. Ask him to dispose of them properly in his bin and to please only use the tissues/wipes and not the towels. You won’t need to be any more specific than that - and you’ll only have to say it once. Trust me he’ll know what you mean and he won’t want to hear it twice !! A bin liner might also be a good idea hygiene wise.

OP says she is a single parent- he's not a DH- but he is the boy's dad still.