Teenage DS masturbation detritus

[Corkstone]

Not sure what topic this should go in, so sorry for the AIBU. I’m looking for advice though.

I am a single mum to three DCs. I have two DDs (17 and 15) and a DS (14). DS’s puberty has been more awkward for me to be helpful with than my DDs’ was for obvious reasons, and his dad has been good, in fairness. But it has become clear recently that he has been masturbating and I don’t know what to do (if anything) about the mess. .

To be clear I have no problem at all with masturbation. If anything I’m pleased for him. But i don’t need or appreciate the tissues not disposed of properly, and I think he is using a towel to ‘clean up’ which I don’t like the thought of but particularly.

I don’t know how to bring this up in a way that isn’t excruciatingly embarrassing for him (and me!). I don’t even know whether to bring it up. But at the same time I want him to know what’s an acceptable way of behaving.

I’ve never discussed masturbation generally with him, and I think I doubled the one occasion with my elder DD when she accidentally found my vibrator a few years back and the shock and embarrassment on all sides meant it was too awful to talk normally!

Another fear is that one of my DDs will go into DC’s room and see the evidence, which would lead to jokes etc which wouldn’t be fair.

Any advice?

I think it’s good to have these conversations with our kids and not outsource them to the other parent because they’re awkward and embarrassing.

With you on the car tyre though 😁

”DS, can you make sure your empty your bedroom bin regularly please and can you please just use towels for drying after a shower, not cleaning things up. Cheers.”

Not that my sons use towels to clean up after masturbating but all of us have our own set of coloured towels. DCs share a bathroom and have a bath sheet and a hand towel each in their colour. No one shares.

I would address the towel sharing issue by potentially getting new towels and have a set day for his bin to be emptied from his room. Also that he airs his room daily. Mine had a checklist they used to tick off which started in primary but did involve things like open curtains, open window.

This! Two pronged approach. His dad and you.

Do yourself and any future partner he gets a favour, and tell him in whichever way comes easiest to you, to clean up after himself.

My brothers would have been told in no uncertain terms what was expected of them. Why pussyfoot around?
Teach your son to be respectful.

I would just be making a point of saying “DS could you empty the bathroom bin for me please”

I don’t see why the tissues being in the bin is an issue. If he was leaving them scattered across the floor or where people could touch them yes that’s gross. If you have an open bin, get a closed one.

With regards to towels, I give everyone different coloured towels and they stick to using their own. If anyone asks why you’ve made this change just say with everyone’s bodies changing and maturing it’s just nicer for everyone to have their set towels.

🤣🤣 such a mucky job !!

His dad has been helpful generally. He recently helped my DS to shave for the first time, for example. But he lives with me almost full time so I doubt that the issue has cropped up with my ex (although from what I understand, teenage boys never bloody stop so he’s probably doing it there as well!). I will mention it to his dad if the problem persists.

I’d just say you need to dispose of your tissues. I had 2 sons and fortunately never encountered any used tissues etc.

Good idea re different towels for all. A few have suggested similar. Thanks all. Apart from. Anything else it’s an excuse to buy nice new towels!

If you've ever stayed in a hotel you've used a towel that's been used for all sorts of clean ups, by many people, and then washed and presented to you. If you're washing them on a hot wash you're fine. Humans are gross if you think about it for too long.

Are your DDs good at emptying the bins in their rooms?

If they aren't, then a chat with all DCs to explain they are each responsible for emptying the bins in their rooms and you or DH are not the maids and won't be doing it.

If DDs are good at emptying bins then tell DS that just because he's a guy he doesn't get out of emptying his own bin. Frame it that you want to teach him to become a respectful adult who does his equal share and isn't misogynistic.

The towel is grim, but do you not trust your washing machine to get things completely clean? If it's just the thought bothering you then get him his own colour towels to use.

I'd probably stop family towel sharing at this point 😂 (for real) ...and send a text:
Alex, if you use a towel to wipe up your 🍆💦 please throw it into the wash and flush any tissues.Thx.

Try to avoid using the word dirty - wanking isn't dirty.

Just get everyone their own set of different coloured towels which they can keep in their room & pop in the wash pile when required.

Teenage boys can be pretty gross. With hindsight (wonderful thing!) I was far too optimistic that they would grow out of being gross on their own and would, given the opportunity to wind back the clock, have taken the bull by the horns and laid down some very clear rules about the state in which I expected them to keep their room and bathroom. I think I would write those rules down, pin them up and refer to them!

those emojis are definitely at the heart of the solution to this problem. 🙄

It's what the kids use...😂

My now grown up ds's used to have a preference for using socks or their boxer shorts. These were not always put in the wash basket. I just kept telling them I wasn't picking up crusty wank socks from the floor and to put them in the wash. I personally avoided any polite euphemisms and said it how it was, I don't think the embarrassment factor would be altered by word choices.

What....you have to TALK to him about it, he's 14! He might not have a clue what's going on in his body poor boy.

By 14 he knows... 😂

"Towels are for drying yourself after baths, showers, and washing faces and hands. Not for anything else. I've bought you a box of Kleenex, and make sure you use the bin."

🥺

Surely all towels are washed on a hot wash anyway? Don't you use hotel towels? ..best not to think about what's been on them!

Can his dad not talk to him about it? It may be sexist but I feel mums do periods and bras and dads do shaving etc.

Just tell him! - wanking is fine, but you must clean up after yourself. Please put tissues in your bin and empty the bin; and do not use the towels for this job.

Job done!

A stack of hand towels seems appropriate.