To respond more harshly next time my MIL tries to guess if I’m pregnant? How?

[annabelfr]

We’ve been trying for a baby for years, and now I’m finally pregnant. My MIL has developed a habit recently of making pointed comments — for example, she once called me over and said loudly, “LOOK! You’ll want to see this,” then pointed to a sign that said something like “Not recommended for pregnant women due to high temperatures” (it was outside a sauna). At the time I wasn’t pregnant, and I just awkwardly said something like, “Yep, I see it.” Another time she said, “Hmm, not interested in the feta salad, are you?” in that same smug, baiting tone.

We’re going away for a short trip with her next weekend, and this time I am pregnant — but still in the first trimester and not ready to tell anyone yet, especially as we’ve previously experienced a miscarriage. I also don’t want to flat-out deny it when she guesses, because I don’t want to jinx it by saying “no” when it’s actually true. What I’m looking for is a way to respond that firmly shuts her down without being outright rude — not a “shut up” or “that’s inappropriate,” (I wish, but my husband would flip at that being too rude for his mummy - ironic) just something that holds my boundary while keeping the peace.

That isn't what she said. She said she didn't want her child unsupervised with 'them' , her in-laws!

This. Just don’t react at all. Behave as if she hasn’t spoken. Keep doing that.

If you have a toddler you are barely “trying for years”….and since you are having a toddler it doesn’t indicate you might have any infertility issues…
congratulations but yabu. Her comments might annoy you but they are not evil.

She may have tried for years to have her first child and/or she may have been trying for a couple of years to have her second. Some people have 'secondary' infertility where they had no problem conceiving their first child but have difficulties conceiving their second.

She doesn't want to tell her MIL about the pregnancy yet because she has had a recent miscarriage so wishes to wait until the 12 week scan which is perfectly reasonable. Her MIL has a tendency to have tantrums and meltdowns and to make everything about her so she wasn't informed about OP's miscarriage. If they tell her too early and OP then miscarries, even her DH has said that his mum would be a nightmare.

Agree. All i am saying is to outside world it doesn’t look like she is having fertility issues, cause she was pregnant just 2-3 yrs ago i am guessing, m so i get why it doesnt cross mil mind she is being insensitive. Its natural also not to assume someone has had a miscarriage so i better say nothing.

i get why it might be annoying though and think the only way is to embarrass her and make her uncomfortable…oh u are not having any feta arent you.. oh Linda, we are having a lot of sex, as a matter of fact we humped like bunnies before we came over, you will be told when it happens

Your husband needs to grow a back bone and stand up for you his wife, you shouldn't have to be the one saying anything x

I'm already annoyed on your behalf that your husband doesn't like you bring rude. I'd ignore your husband and if she does start saying things just say, "look, I know you want me to be pregnant- so do I- but it makes me feel really really uncomfortable when you constantly drop hints. I'll let you know when I'm pregnant." Hopefully if she's a nice person she'll understand and step back. Congratulations and I hope all goes well for you xx

Sounds like you’re one of those other family members that makes it all about themselves. OP and her H are the ones that matter here - it’s her body and therefore up to her who and when she tells the news to.

How about you - when was the last time you had sex, in the usual v in p way? Are you trying to conceive?

It feels a bit intrusive, doesn’t it?

It is OP's own journey for as long as she wants as she is the person carrying the baby. She can share this information with whoever she likes and she can keep this information from whoever she wants. It is her own medical information that she can keep private.

Grandparents have no rights even after the baby is born, never mind before it's been born. OP's MIL is overbearing and makes everything about her. OP has had a previous miscarriage and she wants to wait until she has had her first scan before telling people. That is her prerogative and her decision.

As OP's MIL is also part of Western society, I agree that she is self-centred.

I would simply say “mmm, noted <insert name> in a deeply disinterested manner. And then change the subject.

She sounds like whatever is going on, it is merely a vehicle to make it all about her so non committal vague noises (not words) sound like the way to go. Think of it as entertaining the office bore or your husband when he feels the need to bore at length about something you have zero interest in.

Oh get a grip. She is carrying a baby. She and her husband call the shots. It’s not selfish, it’s protecting their privacy and what they can tolerate from an overbearing mother in law.

I don’t tell my mother major things until close to the time because she obsesses over it and picks it to bits and tells everyone within a 5 mile radius. It’s exhausting and it rips the joy out everything, and then if something goes wrong I have to manage her emotions and distress as well as my own, and sometimes I just don’t have the strength for that. People do the best they can, and you have to trust them to know what’s best for themselves and their children.

I would be completely blunt to the point it stuns her but without cause for saying you are rude eg “MIL, you do realise we have had a miscarriage previously?? I find your intrusion into our personal situation really quite distressing and I/we could do without any anxiety levels being raised atm, if you wouldn’t mind it would help me and DH if you kept your thoughts on this matter to yourself”

even better get your prepped husband to say it!!!