To respond more harshly next time my MIL tries to guess if I’m pregnant? How?

[annabelfr]

We’ve been trying for a baby for years, and now I’m finally pregnant. My MIL has developed a habit recently of making pointed comments — for example, she once called me over and said loudly, “LOOK! You’ll want to see this,” then pointed to a sign that said something like “Not recommended for pregnant women due to high temperatures” (it was outside a sauna). At the time I wasn’t pregnant, and I just awkwardly said something like, “Yep, I see it.” Another time she said, “Hmm, not interested in the feta salad, are you?” in that same smug, baiting tone.

We’re going away for a short trip with her next weekend, and this time I am pregnant — but still in the first trimester and not ready to tell anyone yet, especially as we’ve previously experienced a miscarriage. I also don’t want to flat-out deny it when she guesses, because I don’t want to jinx it by saying “no” when it’s actually true. What I’m looking for is a way to respond that firmly shuts her down without being outright rude — not a “shut up” or “that’s inappropriate,” (I wish, but my husband would flip at that being too rude for his mummy - ironic) just something that holds my boundary while keeping the peace.

"You have got to stop asking about our sex life, Sharon. It's getting really weird."

DH has 100% not told her yet because he says himself, she’d be terrible if she then found out we had a miscarriage. Lots of “I’m thinking of you” texts, “aww I’ve been crying about it all week” type comments and “it’s so sad isn’t it” remarks. Absolutely not what I’d want or need. And I know he’d hate it too.
also it’s been going on for a while so he wouldn’t have told her I’m pregnant when I wasn’t

Stop worrying about what your DH feels about you saying it's inappropriate and just tell her. It's annoying and you want her to stop. You don't have to be angry or upset, just factual. If she or DH wants to get upset with you, that's their problem. If I were you I'd be annoyed with my DH for not backing me up!

ChatGPT is your friend here

Congratulations OP.

I think I'd MIL is this difficult I'd avoid approaching it whilst away. Whatever you say is highly likely to quickly turn into you being nasty to her and that won't be much fun on holiday. It seems like she wants to feel she knows before other people to feel special or as though there are no secrets between her and her son.
Remember she knows what's she's doing when she makes these remarks, i honestly would just literally ignore them completely and enjoy my trip.

At another time I would speak to her directly and probably say to her conversationally that I've noticed she makes this nature of comment a lot, and was wondering why that was. See what she says. I'd probably end up saying that there is already a lot of pressure surrounding this topic and more feels unnecessary, and that DP and I will share any future news when that feels comfortable for ua and be sure to shrug the whole thing off.

Tell who you like when you like OP, tell other people first by all means and maybe she will get through message if nothing else works. The boundary is that you make your decision, not the nature of what you quip back to her.

I think you need to be totally direct. "Look MIL, you know how hard this has been fir us. Please stop referring to pregnancy and fertility - your comments are difficult to deal with Can we talk about something else? How about your piles - are they hanging out like bunches of grapes?". Tinkky laugh

I like this, accompanied by a look down the nose at her.

Another is the time honored MN repost, 'Did you mean to be so rude?' Again a sharp look down the nose..

What the hell is wrong with people? It’s so so rude.

My sister in law has suffered two miscarriages (that I know of) and it’s broken her heart, and my brothers. I am 99% sure that she’s pregnant again after three recent family gatherings where I’ve quietly noticed things that would be out of character unless she is expecting, or indicate that she is again. However, I wouldn’t dream of saying a bloody word or asking either of them even in private. If she is, then they’ll tell us when she’s ready. DH noticed one of the same things as I did and mentioned it to me when we were alone later and I just said ‘yes I did notice but mind your own business, don’t you dare even hint about it!’

Clearly, if we’re correct and she is pregnant then they don’t want to tell anyone yet. We’re very close, we’d be amongst the first people that’d know, so if we don’t then they are keeping it to themselves. That’s fair enough in any circumstances but after heartbreaking losses, even more so.

My mother on the other hand, has no such tact and will frequently reference pregnancy, babies and grandchildren in a very annoying and knowing sort of way. She’s already got three grandchildren from me and two from our sister so it’s not a desperate to be a granny kind of thing. She’s just nosey, rude and thinks close family aren’t allowed any privacy or boundaries.

My sister in law is a very quiet, non-speaking up for herself type. She’d never be rude to my Mum. There have been a couple of times now though when she’s said something inappropriate that I’ve piped up quite childishly ‘ughhhh Mum, I really don’t want to have the thought of those two shagging in my head thanks very much, can we change the bloody subject?!’ accompanied by even more infantile vomiting noises. Ironically which earned me a reprimand from my mother for being vulgar.

Phone pinged a few minutes later, once. Sister in law. Weird, I thought when I’m in the same
house. I opened it, and she’d sent me an emoji of someone blowing a kiss, and “thanks”.

Someone will need to call her out on it OP. Better for you to do it yourself and then pull your DH into line if he whines, but if not, have you got any fiesty family members that’ll tell her to stick a giant sock in it? You need an ally!

Hmmm, I can't decide between the sushi or the steak tartare..... oh look, chicken salad, I think I'll have that instead.

Because it's too early and she's already had a miscarriage so doesn't want to announce the pregancy too early. Most people wait until after the 12 week scan. Plus her MIL sounds interfering and insensitive.

Out of interest, have you spoken to your own DM about your loss, tries to get pregnant and now current pregnancy?

This! He should be taking her aside for a quiet word.

I think if you do say something it shouldn't be clever or quippy - just say 'ach MIL, I do feel quite stressed when you make references to whether or not I'm pregnant, could we just leave it? Thanks, really appreciate it.'

I’d hazard a guess that most people tell their own parents far sooner than 12 weeks

Oh fgs, one's own mother is a completely different thing, however lovely the MIL. Her DH can talk to his own mum if he wants.

Nope. Not if you have a parent (or parent-in-law) who is anxious, interfering, overbearing etc and will either be seeking constant reassurance that everything is OK or who would be more of a burden than a support if you had another miscarriage. I've been there, and I definitely did not tell my mother before 12 weeks.

If you are going away with them I would just tell them, saves so much hassle. I really don’t understand keeping pregnancy a secret past 6 weeks or so from close family and friends. I miscarried in the past and simply told those who knew, they supported me.

I’d keep it very short.

“Can you please stop hinting that I’m pregnant, Susan”.

Next time she does it say “MIL I’m at the point where I want to avoid you completely because of all the pregnancy comments. Please can you stop?”

to those warning me that standing up for myself might cause a scene - I know that if I try to stand up for myself, it’s almost guaranteed she’ll make a scene. We’ve been through something similar before — shortly after I had my first baby, she constantly commented on how I dressed them (“isn’t that too warm?” or “they’ll get cold like that”), whether I was overfeeding, or that I was signing us up for too many baby classes — which, according to her, were pointless and stressful for babies. My husband did speak to her privately at the time and gently told her it was getting a bit much, and she immediately burst into tears, hung up on him, and followed up with a string of guilt-tripping messages like, “I just want to feel like part of the family.” I suspect that’s why he won’t challenge her again — and it means I know any pushback from me, no matter how calm or polite, will probably cause another meltdown.

@Soontobe60
I’ve told my own mum, yes, and she’s been nothing but supportive. My husband actually agrees that telling his mum right now would be a terrible idea — we both know exactly how she’d respond. She’s the type to say things like, “I’ve been crying about it for weeks since you told me,” or bombard us with “thinking of you” texts nonstop. It’s just not what either of us needs. Our mums are very different — when my first was born, my mum’s first words were things like, “How are you feeling?” and “I’m so proud of your little family,” followed quickly by offers to batch cook meals and drop them off. In contrast, my MIL’s response to my first pregnancy announcement was, “Will you be quitting your job? I just think nursery is so cruel, and it’s shocking how short maternity leave is these days.” And after I gave birth, her very first message was just, “Congrats! Shall we visit this weekend?”

When someone says something offensive I always go “Huh…what? Can you repeat that” as if I’d not heard them properly. They always feel abit silly having to repeat themselves.

If she does repeat herself just do an awkward smile and then don’t answer it but completely change the subject. Or start looking directly at her forehead - it’ll make her feel even more daft.

Some years ago I’d just found out I was pregnant (about 6 weeks) and was on a skiing holiday. I’m a good skier and was fine about it but was (unusually!) avoiding beer and wine. A friend asked if I was pregnant and I replied, “Do I ski like I’m pregnant?” That shut him up.

for your MIL “do I look like I’m pregnant?” might work….? It sounds painful OP.

I might have missed something but to be honest, I didn't read your MIL's comments as necessarily being nasty. It sounded to me more like she just assumes she's invited to be somewhat included, since she's a close relative, and makes an occasional pregnancy-related comment that she thinks might be helpful or show interest in your lives. Please correct me if I'm wrong, though.

But, regardless, I learned the hard way in my longish life that relationships are two-sided and that if you don't say anything to treatment you don't like (aside from obvious abuse, of course) it's your fault as much as theirs because they may not even know they are upsetting you.

So, if you don't like it, why not just politely ask her if she'd mind just not mentioning anything to do with pregnancy to you for the time being. Tell her that because of what you've been through, it's just become a very sensitive subject to you.

This is a very good thing to get down in life anyway, isn't it? Speaking up doesn't have to be ugly or combative and it might possibly, easily fix this whole issue. Good luck.

Congratulations on your pregnancy - hope it all goes smoothly.

Regarding your MIL, pretend that you don't understand what she's hinting at. Not drinking? Yes, I find I sleep much better without alcohol. Not eating the blue cheese? Don't fancy it - are you going to have it? And move on.

Don't feed the drama. Starve it of oxygen.

Have you considered: “what do you mean by that?”

so let her meltdown. Honestly if your partner won't say a dicky then you must.