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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To respond more harshly next time my MIL tries to guess if I’m pregnant? How?

137 replies

annabelfr · 10/05/2025 14:56

We’ve been trying for a baby for years, and now I’m finally pregnant. My MIL has developed a habit recently of making pointed comments — for example, she once called me over and said loudly, “LOOK! You’ll want to see this,” then pointed to a sign that said something like “Not recommended for pregnant women due to high temperatures” (it was outside a sauna). At the time I wasn’t pregnant, and I just awkwardly said something like, “Yep, I see it.” Another time she said, “Hmm, not interested in the feta salad, are you?” in that same smug, baiting tone.

We’re going away for a short trip with her next weekend, and this time I am pregnant — but still in the first trimester and not ready to tell anyone yet, especially as we’ve previously experienced a miscarriage. I also don’t want to flat-out deny it when she guesses, because I don’t want to jinx it by saying “no” when it’s actually true. What I’m looking for is a way to respond that firmly shuts her down without being outright rude — not a “shut up” or “that’s inappropriate,” (I wish, but my husband would flip at that being too rude for his mummy - ironic) just something that holds my boundary while keeping the peace.

OP posts:
Inertia · 10/05/2025 15:34

Does she know about your earlier miscarriage?

If so , I would tell her that it’s very upsetting for women who have experienced miscarriage to put up with repeated pregnancy-related jibes.

annabelfr · 10/05/2025 15:35

No, MIL doesnt know we’re ttc or had a miscarriage but I think based on my age, my husbands age, our toddlers age and the fact we’ve said we want multiple kids (before even having our first) she may have guessed we’re trying. Also the fact my husband and I have been off booze for a while.

OP posts:
Bananafofana · 10/05/2025 15:39

Obviously it’s your private business whether you share, but we found telling mil about my miscarriages meant she was absolutely silent about possible pregnancy - and managed to bite her lip until we told here when I was 16 weeks and very plump!

And my dh managed all the comms - he told mil about the miscarriages and he asked her to cool it with the questions

Ohthatsabitshit · 10/05/2025 15:42

Fabricate a terrible hangover for both of you the day before you are meeting and tell her about it before you get there.

FusionChefGeoff · 10/05/2025 15:46

Ohthatsabitshit · 10/05/2025 15:42

Fabricate a terrible hangover for both of you the day before you are meeting and tell her about it before you get there.

I like this idea - a story that 100% unequivocally implies you are NOT pregnant to stop her guessing so yes a piss up / Skydiving / Alton Towers something like that

MyKingdomForACat · 10/05/2025 15:47

I think I’d say “that’s my business” in the hope that finally shuts her up.

Bobbyewingshowerscene · 10/05/2025 15:48

Whistonia · 10/05/2025 15:22

Has been trying to get pregnant for years but now has a toddler? 🤷‍♀️

I’ve not been on Mumsnet long .. but I’m starting to see patterns / get the gist….

ToKittyornottoKitty · 10/05/2025 15:51

annabelfr · 10/05/2025 15:35

No, MIL doesnt know we’re ttc or had a miscarriage but I think based on my age, my husbands age, our toddlers age and the fact we’ve said we want multiple kids (before even having our first) she may have guessed we’re trying. Also the fact my husband and I have been off booze for a while.

She sounds fairly harmless to be honest, she’s trying to guess if her son’s wife is pregnant yet, knowing they are likely to be trying. It’s annoying but it’s not the end of the world. Your OP made it sound like she was hounding you when you’d been struggling for years without success which clearly isn’t the case. Just don’t go if you don’t like her or trust her. Pre planning how to be rude doesn’t make you any better than her.

MoveYourSelfDearie · 10/05/2025 15:51

I would have to address this directly. She's not worried about your feelings here, it's obviously rude of her. There's no reason to put up with it and you can ask her to stop without being rude to her.

"Sandra, I find these comments on our fertility very tiresome. Please stop making them."

Obviously she's going to be offended because she'll be one of those that will take someone standing up for their boundaries as a personal attack. So she'll make some comment that turns it around and makes you in the wrong and paints her as the victim. So at this point, you ignore that narrative, and turn it back around again

"it's ok Sandra, don't get upset. I'm not cross with you but I'm not going to put up with personal comments anymore. What shall we have for dinner?... I was thinking about Italian tonight"

NamechangeJunebaby · 10/05/2025 16:04

I hate rudeness, but in this instance I’d happily divert with rudeness. And seer her questions with your own “hey Sandra, how this incontinence issue now - still piddling when you laugh? Oh, that wasn’t you that told me that? How odd, I was sure it was you…..” or maybe even be direct “are you enquiring about our sex life again? If you must know I’ve been swallowing a lot recently, he’s loving it!”.

bloody nosey MiL should not be assuming or giving hints. She sounds self absorbed.

sesquipedalian · 10/05/2025 16:06

OP, if your MIL doesn’t know about the miscarriage, could you get your DH to phone her and say that you had a miscarriage a bit back so please will she not say anything about pregnancy etc? I don’t think that would be an unreasonable thing to do and it would shut her up - otherwise, you KNOW she’s going to say something and you will either get cross or answer in such a way that she guesses.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/05/2025 16:12

Personally I think your DH has caved and spilled the beans, but she wants you to admit it.

In my experience smart comments don't work with an experienced Delver.. like your MIL is. Any smart comments that even allude to pregnancy will set her off and carry on the inquisition.

Practice your Gallic Shrug... then you don't have to say anything at all.
Or the ever useful (in reply to the feta comment) They do say that don't they
Or a simple I don't know.. will kill the convo stone dead.

If she's really persistent a Paddington Stare with "What are you trying to say exactly." Or you reply to any comment with ponderous, reflective "How very odd." which is polite but just rude enough to shut her up (hopefully) and then you change the subject.
It reminds me of school days, when the best shut up was "So YOU say"

YearlySubscriptionRenewal · 10/05/2025 16:18

DumDeeDoh · 10/05/2025 15:10

Say you are having sex as much as humanly possible, thanks for asking

brilliant

GooseAttack · 10/05/2025 16:19

“Jane, if I’d been pregnant every time you hinted I was, I’d have been giving birth every five minutes!”

Bellyblueboy · 10/05/2025 16:20

I agree you need to be direct with her

can you please stop the constant comments about pregnancy. I really don’t like it and I don’t want us to fall out over this.

she will have a big emotional reaction to this. But let her.

godmum56 · 10/05/2025 16:20

Do you REALLY want a child with a man who won't defend you from his mother's bad manners and who would "flip" if you dealt with her yourself?

EmeraldShamrock000 · 10/05/2025 16:21

I wouldn't go either.
Congratulations 🎊 🥰

Maddy70 · 10/05/2025 16:22

Did you mean to be so rude? The Mumsnet classic is perfect for this

Sherararara · 10/05/2025 16:23

Based on what you’ve already said about your DH (which isn’t giving a great impression), I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already told her which would explain the questions. She’s desperate for you to confirm so she can talk about it. You should prepare yourself for that fact and how to respond to your DH.

PullTheBricksDown · 10/05/2025 16:25

Surely you need to not change tack now, or else she'll guess something is different? Do the same thing you've done before. Or don't go

SoloSofa24 · 10/05/2025 16:26

The first time she heads in that direction I would say something like: "You're really not very subtle, are you, MiL? If I get pregnant again we will tell you when the time is right, and in the meantime I am going to ignore any of your hints on the subject because it is intrusive and annoying."

notvirginiawoolf · 10/05/2025 16:30

Don't go just say on the morning you've got a headache and let them get on with it. She can annoy your DH and you can have a lovely day watching tv.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 10/05/2025 16:34

I think I’d go with “I get this isn’t the most flattering dress /top but do I really look pregnant? I know I’m carrying a few extra pounds but be honest do I look pregnant?” Then try to look a bit upset.

Cadenza12 · 10/05/2025 16:38

Cut her some slack, she's excited about the prospect of another grandchild. Why not just tell her?

declutteringmymind · 10/05/2025 16:40

I’d be like ‘what is this weird behaviour?’