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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To respond more harshly next time my MIL tries to guess if I’m pregnant? How?

137 replies

annabelfr · 10/05/2025 14:56

We’ve been trying for a baby for years, and now I’m finally pregnant. My MIL has developed a habit recently of making pointed comments — for example, she once called me over and said loudly, “LOOK! You’ll want to see this,” then pointed to a sign that said something like “Not recommended for pregnant women due to high temperatures” (it was outside a sauna). At the time I wasn’t pregnant, and I just awkwardly said something like, “Yep, I see it.” Another time she said, “Hmm, not interested in the feta salad, are you?” in that same smug, baiting tone.

We’re going away for a short trip with her next weekend, and this time I am pregnant — but still in the first trimester and not ready to tell anyone yet, especially as we’ve previously experienced a miscarriage. I also don’t want to flat-out deny it when she guesses, because I don’t want to jinx it by saying “no” when it’s actually true. What I’m looking for is a way to respond that firmly shuts her down without being outright rude — not a “shut up” or “that’s inappropriate,” (I wish, but my husband would flip at that being too rude for his mummy - ironic) just something that holds my boundary while keeping the peace.

OP posts:
Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 10/05/2025 19:32

but my husband would flip at that being too rude for his mummy - ironic

Let him flip out over his mother’s feelings. Let her have a tantrum. Flip out at him even worse and tell him he needs to start supporting the mother of his child. Why is everyone tiptoeing around her feelings and no one caring about yours?

annabelfr · 10/05/2025 19:35

@thestudio@RawBloomerswe had the whole conversation about her being manipulative at the time. I think maybe I said it too forcefully / too many times or whatever but if at first he agreed that she was being manipulative, then it changed to “actually she’s just very friendly, wanted to be ‘part of the excitement of a new baby in the family’ and my coldness has upset her”

and yes, absolutely, I want to make a comment / respond to her because he won’t, even if there’s a meltdown from her after

OP posts:
AngelicKaty · 10/05/2025 19:38

@annabelfr How about, "Don't worry MIL, if/when I become pregnant again, you'll be the third to know." (After your DH and DM of course. 😉 )

MummaMummaMumma · 10/05/2025 19:43

I'd say "that's extremely rude to say that to someone who has had a miscarriage".

Elsvieta · 10/05/2025 19:45

"When we've got something to tell you, we'll tell you". Saying nothing without quite lying. Repeat in the exact same words until it gets awkward, if needed.

BakelikeBertha · 10/05/2025 21:34

Sorry OP, but I'm confused! On your first post you state 'We’ve been trying for a baby for years', but then later on your refer to your toddler, which you appear to have had with your DH, so how can you have been 'trying for a baby for years?'

Lijay1 · 11/05/2025 01:32

BakelikeBertha · 10/05/2025 21:34

Sorry OP, but I'm confused! On your first post you state 'We’ve been trying for a baby for years', but then later on your refer to your toddler, which you appear to have had with your DH, so how can you have been 'trying for a baby for years?'

Say said toddler was 3 and they'd been trying since the toddler was one. That's years no?

FlakyCritic · 11/05/2025 04:10

Why are you going away with her? Why? What's this thing people in the UK have with going on holiday with parents and in laws? I don't get it. Just don't go away with her. Pull out. Uninvite her. The whole thing sounds so suffocating. Cancel the trip if you feel you have to go. Neither of you have to go. Just.....cancel the trip.

It's really that simple.

spoonbillstretford · 11/05/2025 04:17

I would tell them about the miscarriage and say politely that you find the comments are hitting a raw nerve. And that if you were pregnant you would not say anything until later on in the pregnancy, so would appreciate it if she didn't mention it again. She sounds like an insesnsitive dolt but you can only try.

whynotmereally · 11/05/2025 07:04

Are you trying to tell me you are pregnant mil? Congratulations

thesnailandthewhale · 11/05/2025 07:14

Turn it back on her and every time she suggests you might be pregnant just suggest she might be showing signs of dementia / other age related condition

SparklyGlitterballs · 11/05/2025 08:30

I think a previous poster nailed it with "If and when we are in a position to announce a pregnancy, you'll be one of the first to know". It doesn't deny you're already pregnant and doesn't confirm it either. Maybe add "so please stop with the fishing, it's not very subtle".

Gardenbird123 · 11/05/2025 09:08

Just say, when we have news to share, you'll be the first to know!
It doesn't have to be true.....also isn't a denial - you don't want to share the news yet.....

Suns1nE · 11/05/2025 09:15

Have you mentioned to your MIL that you find these questions annoying or upsetting? If you haven’t then I have to feel some sympathy with the woman who probably thinks she’s doing no harm.

Talk to her directly and explain that it makes you feel uncomfortable. I doubt she did it on purpose

1HappyTraveller · 11/05/2025 09:17

annabelfr · 10/05/2025 14:56

We’ve been trying for a baby for years, and now I’m finally pregnant. My MIL has developed a habit recently of making pointed comments — for example, she once called me over and said loudly, “LOOK! You’ll want to see this,” then pointed to a sign that said something like “Not recommended for pregnant women due to high temperatures” (it was outside a sauna). At the time I wasn’t pregnant, and I just awkwardly said something like, “Yep, I see it.” Another time she said, “Hmm, not interested in the feta salad, are you?” in that same smug, baiting tone.

We’re going away for a short trip with her next weekend, and this time I am pregnant — but still in the first trimester and not ready to tell anyone yet, especially as we’ve previously experienced a miscarriage. I also don’t want to flat-out deny it when she guesses, because I don’t want to jinx it by saying “no” when it’s actually true. What I’m looking for is a way to respond that firmly shuts her down without being outright rude — not a “shut up” or “that’s inappropriate,” (I wish, but my husband would flip at that being too rude for his mummy - ironic) just something that holds my boundary while keeping the peace.

To hell with what your husband thinks. He should have dealt with this already. It clearly makes you uncomfortable, you don’t have to put up with that from anyone. Your husband is being a complete ar$ehole as well by not backing you.

Tell her it’s rude and she needs to stop. Tell her she is being inappropriate. She doesn’t get a free pass because she’s your MIL. Set that boundary early on and tell you not-so ‘D’H how it is because otherwise you’ll be having to put up with this forever. You are not being unreasonable.

EDIT: congratulations!!!! 🎈

Serenitymummy · 11/05/2025 09:17

SparklyGlitterballs · 11/05/2025 08:30

I think a previous poster nailed it with "If and when we are in a position to announce a pregnancy, you'll be one of the first to know". It doesn't deny you're already pregnant and doesn't confirm it either. Maybe add "so please stop with the fishing, it's not very subtle".

I'd add on the end .."it's not very subtle, and also quite hurtful that you only seem interested in me as a grandchild making factory". Or something of that ilk. But to be fair, dh does need to step up a bit here and shield you from her shit.

Azandme · 11/05/2025 09:20

"When are you due?"

Although I'd probably do a silent pointed look and hold it until she got very uncomfortable. Every time. She'd soon stop.

GreenFields07 · 11/05/2025 09:24

Sorry OP but you really need to stop being a doormat, to both your MIL and DH. Youre letting them walk all over you and not allowed to stand up for yourself. Fuck that! Stand up to her, and challenge your DH for being on her side. Every single time. He should be your team mate, he should want peace for your family and he should be on your side. If you're unhappy and want to call her out, he should accept that. It doesnt bode well for a happy future with this man if he cant stand up to mummy for you.

Fireflybaby · 11/05/2025 09:43

I'd be surprised if your DH won't say anything to her if she manages to corner him.

To me it feels like you're allowing you MIL to rule your life and feelings and everything revolves around her reaction to what you (both) are telling her.
It's not healthy for either of you.

Please put your boundaries up, let her have her strop. If she is texting / WhatsApp ing you, put her on silent, don't answer her wailing.

This kind of attachment is not healthy for you guys.

Lead your own lives away from fears of others reactions. It creates unnecessary stress for you and your baby xx

Nanny0gg · 11/05/2025 09:46

I think the next time she has a meltdown in front of you, you just tell her firmly to pack it in and then walk away

Do not entertain her nonsense. Shut her down every time

And if she carries on it's time for a full and frank conversation to tell her that you're not putting up with it any more. She's a grown woman ffs!

Whoknowshere · 11/05/2025 10:03

She is very manipulative and emotionally blackmailing you all. The comments are just the tip of the iceberg. I can just imagine what your husband went through living with such a mother. Since you have small kids, I suggest some family therapy with you husband where a counsellor can teach him how to put boundaries and probably recover some of the emotional abuse he has experienced as a kid. This is really more for your kids as she will manipulate them as well and you don’t know how your husband will be with them once they are a bit bigger due to the trauma he obviously has.

05h · 11/05/2025 10:36

jgophacc · 10/05/2025 16:42

ChatGPT is your friend here

OP's posts are already written almost entirely using AI - she doesn't need any more encouragement!

Welshmonster · 11/05/2025 10:37

Tell her that you had sex with her hunky son last Thursday and he shot his load so far up you that you are hoping it did the trick.

or tell her that this week you swallowed so no chance of baby.

would she like a text everytime you have sex

she is being inappropriate with you so let her know. She is allowed to be upset but you aren’t.

baby loss is hard and pregnancy after baby loss is so stressful.

sarah419 · 11/05/2025 10:44

pregnancy is not just your own journey. there will be grandparents aunts and uncles who are equally excited. western society is so self centred sometimes. look at the bigger picture rather than focus on petty small things and letting them get to you. if they are eager for a grandchild then share the news. it’s not your news alone even if you are carrying the baby - it’s their grandchild.

LilDeVille · 11/05/2025 10:46

I'd definitely not be telling her until I'm 30 weeks or so, just to spite her 😁serves her right, she's not entitled to information about your body.

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