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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To respond more harshly next time my MIL tries to guess if I’m pregnant? How?

137 replies

annabelfr · 10/05/2025 14:56

We’ve been trying for a baby for years, and now I’m finally pregnant. My MIL has developed a habit recently of making pointed comments — for example, she once called me over and said loudly, “LOOK! You’ll want to see this,” then pointed to a sign that said something like “Not recommended for pregnant women due to high temperatures” (it was outside a sauna). At the time I wasn’t pregnant, and I just awkwardly said something like, “Yep, I see it.” Another time she said, “Hmm, not interested in the feta salad, are you?” in that same smug, baiting tone.

We’re going away for a short trip with her next weekend, and this time I am pregnant — but still in the first trimester and not ready to tell anyone yet, especially as we’ve previously experienced a miscarriage. I also don’t want to flat-out deny it when she guesses, because I don’t want to jinx it by saying “no” when it’s actually true. What I’m looking for is a way to respond that firmly shuts her down without being outright rude — not a “shut up” or “that’s inappropriate,” (I wish, but my husband would flip at that being too rude for his mummy - ironic) just something that holds my boundary while keeping the peace.

OP posts:
Bunnyisputbackinthebox · 10/05/2025 17:52

Nah sorry not yet just been doing anal this month....

Rosscameasdoody · 10/05/2025 17:53

In all honesty OP if she’s this tone deaf you can pussyfoot around for as long as you like, but eventually you are going to have to resort something like ‘Whether I am pregnant or not is no one’s business but mine and my husbands. If and when it happens and we’re ready to announce, we’ll let you know. So until then your intrusive comments are unwelcome and I’ll have to think seriously about stepping away from the situation if they continue’.

Rosscameasdoody · 10/05/2025 17:54

Bunnyisputbackinthebox · 10/05/2025 17:52

Nah sorry not yet just been doing anal this month....

I wish some sort of warning could be posted before reading posts like this - literally spat coffee all over the screen.🤣

Liz1tummypain · 10/05/2025 17:54

Sorry i haven't got.much to.add
.how about " thanks you can be sure when we've got any news about a pregnancy you will find out soon enough". Might possibly shut her up. Good luck :)

thepariscrimefiles · 10/05/2025 17:56

annabelfr · 10/05/2025 17:25

to those warning me that standing up for myself might cause a scene - I know that if I try to stand up for myself, it’s almost guaranteed she’ll make a scene. We’ve been through something similar before — shortly after I had my first baby, she constantly commented on how I dressed them (“isn’t that too warm?” or “they’ll get cold like that”), whether I was overfeeding, or that I was signing us up for too many baby classes — which, according to her, were pointless and stressful for babies. My husband did speak to her privately at the time and gently told her it was getting a bit much, and she immediately burst into tears, hung up on him, and followed up with a string of guilt-tripping messages like, “I just want to feel like part of the family.” I suspect that’s why he won’t challenge her again — and it means I know any pushback from me, no matter how calm or polite, will probably cause another meltdown.

@Soontobe60
I’ve told my own mum, yes, and she’s been nothing but supportive. My husband actually agrees that telling his mum right now would be a terrible idea — we both know exactly how she’d respond. She’s the type to say things like, “I’ve been crying about it for weeks since you told me,” or bombard us with “thinking of you” texts nonstop. It’s just not what either of us needs. Our mums are very different — when my first was born, my mum’s first words were things like, “How are you feeling?” and “I’m so proud of your little family,” followed quickly by offers to batch cook meals and drop them off. In contrast, my MIL’s response to my first pregnancy announcement was, “Will you be quitting your job? I just think nursery is so cruel, and it’s shocking how short maternity leave is these days.” And after I gave birth, her very first message was just, “Congrats! Shall we visit this weekend?”

Edited

She sounds like an absolute pain in the arse. And very ill informed! Maternity pay/rights/leave are so much better now than when I had my children in the 1980s.

She obviously makes everything about her, which must be very draining for you and your DH.

aspidernamedfluffy · 10/05/2025 18:02

"You seem to be overly invested in mine and your son's sex life....why is that?"

thestudio · 10/05/2025 18:05

she immediately burst into tears, hung up on him, and followed up with a string of guilt-tripping messages like, “I just want to feel like part of the family.” I suspect that’s why he won’t challenge her again — and it means I know any pushback from me, no matter how calm or polite, will probably cause another meltdown.

Op, you've got to point out to him how manipulative this was of her. Tell him you're sad for him that she's like this, that it's very common not to want to see it in our own parents (look up F.O.G) but that you're not him and you won't allow yourself to be emotionally bullied by her. And going forward, you won't allow your kids to be either.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 10/05/2025 18:05

She’s not going to shut up until you shut her up so you might as well make the most of the opportunity. How about ‘your comments are vulgar and offensive, please stop’?

RawBloomers · 10/05/2025 18:05

How about something like "Are you still trying to guess if I'm pregnant, MiL?" in a friendly, laughing kind of way. Then, if she persists or is direct, maybe something along the lines of "If I ever get pregnant again, we will tell you when we're ready, don't worry."

Edit to add: But I agree that you need to be more direct about how manipulative she is with your DH and not let him get away with ignoring it. Putting up with her being rude because otherwise she'll cry is no way to live and is a terrible thing for your DC to see.

SparklyGlitterballs · 10/05/2025 18:11

If you think she'll have a meltdown no matter how calmly you respond then I don't know why you're asking if it would be unreasonable to respond more harshly next time she says something.

If your DH won't intervene then I'd go one of these:
"That's not very subtle Sandra. I know what you're doing and I'm not going to rise to it". Then move the conversation on.
Just laugh and say "oh, this again" and shake your head.
Tell her hold on, get out a little notebook and scribble in it. When she asks what you're doing, say you're making a note of all her unsubtle comments about pregnancy., so you can look back at them and have a laugh.

However, if you're too scared of the potential meltdown then just give her a disdainful look.

MoveYourSelfDearie · 10/05/2025 18:11

godmum56 · 10/05/2025 17:49

so let her meltdown. Honestly if your partner won't say a dicky then you must.

This. Why are her feelings more important than yours?

hardtocare · 10/05/2025 18:13

Can I be honest MIL, and say your interest in your son’s sex life somewhat weirds me out

OhBow · 10/05/2025 18:15

Some good advice here, but I've had a thought... I'm very familiar with people like this sadly, and have discovered that although they're nosy, their favourite subject is actually themselves.

So my suggestion is to rapidly divert the subject back to her, especially one of her top whinges (I bet she has some) that she likes to go on about.

Could be a health problem, complaining about a neighbour, etc. And when she's back on that, imaging her saying lovely kind things to you while you smile and nod.

Edited to add: don't bother explaining your feelings, if she cared she would've stopped by now. Avoid her as much as possible.

Daffodilpup · 10/05/2025 18:15

TryingToStayAwake88 · 10/05/2025 15:17

You could turn it back on her and say, that's interesting it can't be done while pregnant. Are you going to avoid it? Or something which sounds sort of innocent but implies she is pregnant!

Or say ‘are you trying to tell me something? Are you pregnant?’

RareGoalsVerge · 10/05/2025 18:16

"You know that comments like that basically mean 'so have you had a miscarriage lately' - which is such a horrible thing to say, that your inability to think of other people's feelings is making me seriously doubt if you are capable of being a decent grandmother"

ManchesterLu · 10/05/2025 18:23

Simply say "if and when we're ever planning to announce a pregnancy you'll be among the first to know". No denial, no confirmation, simple and to the point that will set her straight.

Historyofwolves · 10/05/2025 18:26

What's your definition of 'toddler' if you've been trying for years?!

MyLittleNest · 10/05/2025 18:27

Well, she checks all the boxes of a toxic grandmother, doesn't she? Overbearing, outspoken, manipulative as hell. Does your husband see through her games?

Sorry, OP. You're a saint to put up with this kind of behaviour.

With people like this, the more you tiptoe around them to avoid them throwing a tantrum, the more they think they can get away with it. I understand that you don't want to upset your husband, but based on everything you've written in your posts, he should be more concerned about how she is treating you. At some point he will have to stop enabling her behaviour unless you are expected to be on the receiving end forever.

I would be very firm with her in general. Yes, she will play the victim card, crocodile tears, to continue on behaving however she wants with no regard for anyone else, but only so long as you allow it.

Firm boundaries. And consistent ones. And distance. For you AND your child/children.

SleepingSerpent · 10/05/2025 18:30

I would laugh a bit and say ‘I wasn’t pregnant when you told me not to go in the sauna, or when you told me not to eat feta salad, might be time to stop guessing don’t you think?’

JorgyPorgy · 10/05/2025 18:40

ask her how her food baby is

venusandmars · 10/05/2025 18:52

I had that with a colleague once. Whenever she brought up the topic I said, "Oh, yes, lets discuss who is having sex without contraception, and how often..." Nobody else wanted to join the conversation!

Kingsleadhat · 10/05/2025 18:59

"when there's any news, I'll let you know. ". She's an insensitive idiot, I do sympathise

Teenybub · 10/05/2025 19:07

Tell her he’s been sticking it in your arse recently! Crude but it will change the subject.

Kilofoxtrot99 · 10/05/2025 19:18

Could you not just say to her- actually, your son’s demands for blowjobs has really taken its toll on our chances’ with a completely straight face and see how that goes? You will never beat this woman, and her son clearly has her back rather than yours, so you have no bridges to burn really. Stop caring what this woman says or thinks, don’t waste or give it your energy, and step back emotionally and rationally in every contact. Best of luck.

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 10/05/2025 19:29

You could try running away as if you’re about to burst into tears.