To think visiting DP’s family doesn’t count as a holiday?

[RhiannonTheFlorist]

Been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old daughter. He is from a country in Central Europe. Every August we go for a week, and every other Christmas (we alternate between my family and his). This Christmas we are due to go there.

Before the baby we would have 2 holidays a year (not including the semi-annual Christmas visit) one to visit his family, and one to a nice resort type place. Since the baby, we can’t afford to do this. The Summer trip and Christmas trip are in the budget, but another holiday on top of that isn’t doable, and we couldn’t get the time off anyway.

I have nothing against his family but the trips to the village my partner grew up in aren’t particularly relaxing for me. We fly into the airport in the capital city, then have a 5 hour train and bus journey to get to his village, and I get motion sickness from buses. We also often have a late flight and end up waiting at the dodgy city train station until early morning when the trains start running and last time I got harassed by beggars on the platform when I was heard speaking English, DP gave them short shrift thankfully but it was still scary. DD is also starting to develop bus motion sickness so I’m dreading that part of the journey.

His family don’t speak any English, which is fine, I shouldn’t expect them too. But their language is notoriously hard to learn (please no comments about me needing to learn it, it’s literally known as one of the hardest languages in the world and I have a toddler and work full-time) and despite my efforts I have really struggle to have conversations with them beyond basic politeness. The past 2 times we’ve been they have pestered DP that I need to hurry up and learn the language. His father is a smoker and alcoholic and the house stinks of smoke, so since the baby we stay with his aunt instead, and DP’s father always argues with DP about it as he gets offended that we won’t bring the baby in his house. Also, the first time we took DD at 4 months she developed a temperature and had to be taken on the bus to the hospital and everyone was talking around me in their own language (doctors, DP and family) and I was distraught not knowing what was going on, having to wait for DP to translate. I’m scared of this happening again. DD is also a picky eater and the village shop is tiny and won’t have any of her ‘safe’ foods.

On the other hand, there are some positives.They are very hospitable and they cook for us etc, we have BBQs and days out in the nearest city (though this does require long bus trips). But in the village there is not much phone signal and once they start drinking and having a laugh I am completely excluded and don’t understand a word that is being said.

I understand that DP needs to maintain a relationship with his family and that I signed up for this when committing to him, but I must admit I’m dying for a proper holiday this Summer where I can relax, beachfront walks, play with DD in the pool etc. Just the 3 of us. I raised the idea to DP of doing this instead as we’re going to his country for Christmas anyway, and he was horrified. He also pointed out that his country gets hot in the Summer (it does, can reach 30 degrees), and therefore it still counts as a sunny holiday. He also points out that going to his country we only pay for flights and spends (probably around £1000 for the 3 of us). I found some lovely all-inclusive for £1800, and we could afford that extra £800 but we couldn’t afford that AND the Summer trip to his country AND the Christmas trip.

I’m tempted to tell him that me and DD will swerve the trip to his country this year, and may invite my sister to come somewhere with me and DD instead. But I’m worried this will upset him and his family who absolutely adore my DD.

AIBU?

Which part sounds nice? The alcoholic father? The motion sickness? The mundanity of visiting the same place over and over with their income?

YANBU

Although not as far, I live in a different country to my birth country. We go back 1-2 times per year and have no other holidays. My DH doesn't usually come with us, I go to see my family and friends, but mainly for my parents to have contact with their grandchildren. I really miss home, wish we all lived there, but I agree with you, it isn't a holiday!! Staying with family, little mind your OH's family can be a real chore. Even more so in your case due to the remoteness, travel sickness and language barrier.

Your DH is being ridiculous. It's unfair of him to not "let you" have a proper holiday. Staying with family is NOT a holiday! If he wants to go twice per year, then he should go one of those times on his own. And you go away with your sister and children without him. If he's not happy with that, then tell him his family are more than welcome to come stay with you anytime.

Actually this year, I've said to my DH that we're not going to go back to my family twice, which I do feel bad about (aging parents), but I've realised I'm in my mid fucking 40's now, and I always go back to stay with parents and never get a proper holiday myself. So, this year, we're going elsewhere, all of us including DH, then later in the year, we will go back to my birth country, but we're going to stay elsewhere in accommodation to make it an actual holiday and spend limited time with family. This is mostly due to a fall out last time we were back and me being quite frankly fucked off at the amount we spent on the trip to be treated as we were by an angry family member. They didn't speak to me for half of our stay which was both awkward and rude. My DH was with us for that trip and he was as annoyed at I was (he lost a week's income for a shitty stay, plus dog sitting costs).

OP I take my children and leave DH at home as it is not a holiday for him sitting in someone’s else’s home.

This means that we can afford a holiday together with our children as well.

As for how often the OP sees her family, that’s not relevant as she is not forcing her DH to spend his precious annual leave sitting in their house.

I had this situation - closer European country than Hungary though. We solved it by DH going alone. He could then chat in his home language to his heart’s content, visit the extended family and old friends and not worry about us at all. Once we had two children, the airfare for four of us was too much.

When his mother was widowed, we used to pay her airfare to come to us at Christmas and once more during the year. She could stay for a week and she built good relationships with her DGC.

And this was in the days before FaceTime, WhatsApp etc which allow much more frequent interaction.

My DH made the decision to stay in the UK and that inevitably requires that things look a little different. You can’t be expected to sacrifice your well deserved and hard earned holiday time like this; you presumably contribute financially to your household and have an equal say in the decisions that re made. Time to put your foot down.

OP is getting a lot of the brunt here, but he’s the one who emigrated. I’m usually team MIL on these threads as a mum of boys, but it sounds horrific, he chose to move away, he’s created this, not the OP.

Yes I think you’d have had to personally spent time in a quiet village in Eastern/Central Europe to properly understand where I’m coming from. It can be lovely in some ways, especially when there’s a family BBQ and it’s sunny. But gosh it can get so boring as well especially when every one else is drunk and having a laugh and you’re sober watching a restless toddler and don’t understand the language. They drink and watch television for entertainment. You can’t really go out on for a walk anywhere as the village is 20 houses surrounded by fields and it’s completely flat and there’s holes everywhere so it’s a nightmare with the pram. I also get weird looks from neighbours when I try to venture out without DP for some fresh air. The village shop is the size of the bathroom in my terraced house, and you face a 2 hour bus ride to the nearest city and there are 2 buses a day. It’s not like a village in the Lakes or the Cotswold where you can pop down to the pub for a drink/meal and let the toddler play on the playground equipment, or go for a nice stroll on an evening.

OP, I’ve had more of a think about this and I’m firmly team YANBU. If you’re not allowed to do anything to make the holiday better (Budapest, other destinations within Hungary or neighbouring countries), then it really would be boring and repetitive for you if you can’t drive, don’t speak the language and are essentially stranded. Once a year is enough!

One of the things that makes my husband’s family easy is there are not many of them and they are also quite respectful of our time. We always see his grandparents for a meal (a feast really), but other than that, if we see cousins, it’s great, if not, no problem. We go 2-3 times a year and I enjoy their company despite the language barrier. He is also, crucially, from a city.

I used to send DH and DD off 2 to 3 times a year to visit his family. I speak their language fluently but didn't want to spend all my hard earned AL with his family as needed proper holidays. DH and DD benefitted as got more holidays with me.
Why can't you do that OP?

Can't his family visit you sometimes? That way they can see their grandchild and you don't have to take the whole week off of work.

Yup.

There was a kafana [coffee house/pub] in Dad's village when I was a teenager. By then, I had done Russian at school and could at least understand some words of Serbian* and order a coffee.

Mum and I ventured in. There were looks... One other woman appeared - the village alcoholic.

When we got back to Aunty's, it was "Why did you go into the kafana? I can make you coffee!"

*Some words are very similar, but there are also 'false friends'.

He has sacrificed living in the same country as his family to be with you and you want to tell him you don't want to spend one week with his family and go on holiday instead?
Can you not reach a compromise and on one family trip go stay somewhere nice in his country for a few days and then a few days with his family?

He lived in the UK 10 years before meeting me, and would never consider living in Hungary due to the lack of jobs in his field. He isn’t living in the UK purely for me.

Every year would be a no from me too. Why are you the only one compromising?

I have family that live in a similar setting to your in laws OP. I also didn't know the language, but made a big effort to learn it (similarly tough language). Can you do lessons? Even just a basic level will help you.

Couldn't he take your child with him for the week? That way his parents get to see them both, you have a week to yourself and then you do every other Christmas together.

It sounds pretty difficult OP but part of me thinks it goes with the territory of having a family with someone from another country but you'd think your husband would try and make it as easy and pleasant for you as possible which he seems determined not to do. You need suggest he goes alone with your child for the second trip of the year and book a holiday with your child and sister another time. I doubt he will go alone as he'll want child care while they all drink. I wouldn't have another child with this man.

It sounds dismal but I’d suck it up tbh. However, I’d be doing whatever was necessary financially (appreciate it’s not easy) to have a pool holiday too.

I’d also consider making the Christmas holiday five nights rather than a week if the travel works out.

Presumably you’re all FaceTiming quite regularly. Maybe make it a set-in-stone weekly event if not. This will help your Hungarian too.

In our case, Dad wouldn't hear of going to one of the resorts for part of the holiday - What would the family think?

When DH and I went on holiday to Montenegro, Dad made a point of not mentioning it to the relatives in Serbia.

A previous poster pointed out that my baby becoming ill and needing to go to hospital with me not understanding the doctors could happen anywhere, which is a good point and I probably wasn’t being fair there.

I just have a really bad memory of it, my baby laying on the bed stripped down to a nappy screaming, with an IV put in, with a really high temperature meanwhile DP, father-in-law (who had been drinking) and DP’s aunt all stressed and talking over each other whilst the doctor was trying to explain what he thought was going on, and me not having a clue what was happening to my baby because I didn’t understand what anybody was saying. Also remember the 2hr bus ride to the hospital holding my baby who I thought had sepsis.

it’s a pretty horrid memory which definitely affects my perception of the place, but my other issues with it are valid too.

1. Learn the language - if it's a European language none are enormously difficult (except possibly Danish), 2) Learn to drive. 3) It sounds like you are projecting motion sickness onto your DD because you have. For your own sicknesss take crystalised ginger to help prevent it - it works.
   I loathed beach holidays with my DC. No way to relax because they have to be watched constantly on a beach and by the sea (or anywhere). Visiting friends and family was more relaxed entirely or a city holiday with places to visit (my DD remembers visiting the Uffizi when she was 5). An all-inclusive is a good idea, but you will still have to watch DD all the time - not that relaxing. That said, all holidays with small children are no holiday at all for the adults involved!

It's one of the tough ones: Hungarian.

pretty unfair on your DH and his family.

And that’s your prerogative. I’m at 25 and my bestie is at 22 and we both feel the same. I don’t think a time on it hurts or helps but I stand by what I said.

Duty visits to family do not count as holiday in my opinion, even if they all speak English.

I'm British, as was DH, but we lived on the other side of the world for years, and both DC were born there. We used to come back to the UK for a couple of weeks every summer to see our families, who were scattered around England and Scotland.

It was bad enough when it was just the two of us, but by the time we were dragging two small children round with us it was utterly exhausting. By the end of the trip at least one of the children was always ill, they were both grumpy and out of routine, and we got home feeling frazzled and in need of a holiday. So our actual holiday every year was going somewhere completely different where we could relax without family obligations.

A week in a place where you don't speak the language (and Hungarian is definitely not something you can just pick up on Duolingo), there is nothing to do and you are surrounded by people drinking and smoking does not sound like a holiday to me, so you are not at all unreasonable not to want to do it twice a year to the exclusion of any possibility of an actual relaxing holiday.

Could your DP take your DC by himself and you go on holiday with your sister, or do you not trust him to look after her?

2 holidays a year to Hungary is not fair on you considering this benefits your husband more than you in many ways.
In your shoes, I would tell your husband that going forwards, you’ll only be having 1 holiday a year to Hungary and the other holiday will be a holiday just for the 3 of you.
You could rent out an air bnb or villa and invite them to stay when in Hungary if this makes things easier for you. If your husband wants to see his family more often, then he can go by himself.