To think visiting DP’s family doesn’t count as a holiday?

[RhiannonTheFlorist]

Been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old daughter. He is from a country in Central Europe. Every August we go for a week, and every other Christmas (we alternate between my family and his). This Christmas we are due to go there.

Before the baby we would have 2 holidays a year (not including the semi-annual Christmas visit) one to visit his family, and one to a nice resort type place. Since the baby, we can’t afford to do this. The Summer trip and Christmas trip are in the budget, but another holiday on top of that isn’t doable, and we couldn’t get the time off anyway.

I have nothing against his family but the trips to the village my partner grew up in aren’t particularly relaxing for me. We fly into the airport in the capital city, then have a 5 hour train and bus journey to get to his village, and I get motion sickness from buses. We also often have a late flight and end up waiting at the dodgy city train station until early morning when the trains start running and last time I got harassed by beggars on the platform when I was heard speaking English, DP gave them short shrift thankfully but it was still scary. DD is also starting to develop bus motion sickness so I’m dreading that part of the journey.

His family don’t speak any English, which is fine, I shouldn’t expect them too. But their language is notoriously hard to learn (please no comments about me needing to learn it, it’s literally known as one of the hardest languages in the world and I have a toddler and work full-time) and despite my efforts I have really struggle to have conversations with them beyond basic politeness. The past 2 times we’ve been they have pestered DP that I need to hurry up and learn the language. His father is a smoker and alcoholic and the house stinks of smoke, so since the baby we stay with his aunt instead, and DP’s father always argues with DP about it as he gets offended that we won’t bring the baby in his house. Also, the first time we took DD at 4 months she developed a temperature and had to be taken on the bus to the hospital and everyone was talking around me in their own language (doctors, DP and family) and I was distraught not knowing what was going on, having to wait for DP to translate. I’m scared of this happening again. DD is also a picky eater and the village shop is tiny and won’t have any of her ‘safe’ foods.

On the other hand, there are some positives.They are very hospitable and they cook for us etc, we have BBQs and days out in the nearest city (though this does require long bus trips). But in the village there is not much phone signal and once they start drinking and having a laugh I am completely excluded and don’t understand a word that is being said.

I understand that DP needs to maintain a relationship with his family and that I signed up for this when committing to him, but I must admit I’m dying for a proper holiday this Summer where I can relax, beachfront walks, play with DD in the pool etc. Just the 3 of us. I raised the idea to DP of doing this instead as we’re going to his country for Christmas anyway, and he was horrified. He also pointed out that his country gets hot in the Summer (it does, can reach 30 degrees), and therefore it still counts as a sunny holiday. He also points out that going to his country we only pay for flights and spends (probably around £1000 for the 3 of us). I found some lovely all-inclusive for £1800, and we could afford that extra £800 but we couldn’t afford that AND the Summer trip to his country AND the Christmas trip.

I’m tempted to tell him that me and DD will swerve the trip to his country this year, and may invite my sister to come somewhere with me and DD instead. But I’m worried this will upset him and his family who absolutely adore my DD.

AIBU?

I had this debate with DH multiple times because visiting his family in rural North Africa was not a holiday for me lovely thought they are.
Our compromise is that he took the children without me at least once a year and we also had a family holiday separate from that trip.
It is unreasonable for him to expect you to give up your holidays for the next 10 years or so to facilitate his family visits. On the other hand it would also be unreasonable if you were to stop him going without you.

I was thinking this too. Is there a resort/spa type place that you could chill out for 2-3 days after you've visited his family?

My mum used to say the same that a visit to my dad’s family abroad wasn’t a holiday. Although she spoke a bit of the language and they all spoke at least some English, she said it was hard when she couldn’t follow the fast conversations and had to do the bulk of the childcare. She also didn’t particularly get on with my dad’s family. When I was 7 she refused to go anymore and I didn’t see my grandmother until I was 13 and my dad took us himself.

It certainly doesn’t sound very relaxing from what you’ve described and I would be desperate for a proper holiday too. There must be some compromises. If you all go at Christmas, could just your DH go in the summer? Would his family travel here? Are there any hotels or holiday places you could stay at in his country?

They can also visit can't they? Why should it be on OP DH and kid to do all the travelling? It would be fairer to take turns. Yes he wants to see his family but that doesn't mean OP can't get tired of it after year after year after year of going to see them.

Options are switch it to every other year or they also come to visit. I live abroad and visiting family at home is not a vacation so I get where OP is coming from and thankfully our parents and families also visit us rather than expect us to always do the travelling to them.

And there is nothing wrong for OP and her DH to say to his family that unfortunately this year we can't afford to come down so we will come next year.

Yanbu, you’re doing it once. No need to do this twice and use all family holiday. But this is something you should have considered being married and having a child with him. People don’t seem to think ahead, rather than just for the now.

I think you need to accept that 7 days out of 365 with your family isn’t great, even if you need to holiday your way every now and then. Is a compromise him taking your child to see his family and you having your holiday with a friend or family member?

Language wise, I think you need to try harder. You really are just making excuses. Is the language available on Duolingo? You could do 30 minutes a day on that. If not, can you find yourself someone to swap conversation with - half in the language, half in English? Your DP could commit to helping you with basic vocab and conversation. Is he speaking with your child in his language? You really don’t want to get to a point where you are excluded from family discussions.

I get the urge to visit family, especially when kids are involved, I am immigrant myself. However, neither I nor my partner would classify visiting family as 'holiday'. There is no language barrier for us but the traveling with a toddler is a slog and during Christmas prices are astronomical. We come from big cities with plenty of stuff to do but usually we have very little time to do anything as extended family visits or we need to help our parents with some tasks (advanced age so when we visit we help organize repairs etc.).

When my daughter was ~18 months he started taking her to his parents on his own and I really recommend you do the same. I am also rethinking Christmas at the moment, because I am pregnant with our second child and soon the tickets for Christmas will be around ~£2000 for us, so I am considering visiting them before or after Christmas peak.

It isn’t a bloody holiday. I have family in Eastern Europe and it’s exactly the same as you describe. We go probably once every 3 years now. They never change so what’s the point. Your partner made the decision to come here he needs to accept it .

Ideal!

I think seeing them either at Christmas or in the summer would be fine.

Seems fair to alternate. Go every other summer.

How often are they coming over here to visit?

I get where you’re coming from OP.

Dad was from former Yugo. The few times my parents managed to save for a holiday, we had to go see the relatives.

it was lovely to see them, but very different from what we were used to and neither Mum nor I could speak the language. We picked up a few phrases and nouns, but not much more.

I tried to learn out of a Teach Yourself book that Mum bought, but didn’t get far as a child. Back in the 7Os, there was no other way of learning the language.

The first time we went, I was very ill - too hot for me and no plumbing…

Friends of ours used to go back every year but spent a fortnight with the family and a fortnight at a resort - the best of both worlds.

I think the idea of extending your trip by a few days and then having that as a holiday, exploring different parts of the country is a good compromise. I’m assuming Hungary - which is a beautiful country. Has DP actually looked at whether he could hire a car? There are some which will allow hire immediately after passing the test providing the driver is over 25.

I get it, it’s a tough gig: DH is from Detroit and so a decent part of our annual leave and travel budget is spent visiting his parents. They are lovely, and make me feel very welcome, but it isn’t exactly a holiday for me as they don’t go out much due to their ages, there’s no public transport in the ‘burbs, my confidence driving somebody else’s car on manic Detroit roads is pretty low, so I’m vastly limited in leaving the house in my own. But It struck me recently - due to their age, DH will probably only see his parents again another five or six times max in his entire life. Then he’s lost them for good. I can put myself out to let him have whatever time there is.

Travel works both ways . The DP’s family could equally well travel to the UK for a week .

Totally reasonable for OP and family to make the effort once a year to visit but it they go at Christmas then not necessary to go on the summer as well.

Duo Lingo isn’t brilliant for Central European languages. I have a degree in Russian and eventually learned some Bosnian/Croatian/Montenegrin/Serbian.

I used Duolingo to try to pick up bits of Polish, Ukrainian and Romanian. It’s really not that good, IMO.

You go to see them once a year, then they come to see you once a year. That way dh gets 2 visits with family and you have money for a second holiday somewhere else.

I think this must be Poland from your description of the central railway station, the distances and the language! Can you not go and spend a few days on the coast on your own as a family, to give you a bit of a break? Or the lakes are lovely. Or can you not fly to a closer airport, which might help with the travel?

I think that the year that you spend Christmas with your parents, you should visit your in-laws during the summer, and the year that you spend Christmas with his parents, you should do a proper summer holiday instead of visiting your DH's family. That means that you will see them every year, but you will still be able to have a more enjoyable beach-type holiday every other year.

Your in-laws could also try and learn English if they are scolding you for not learning their language when you are actually trying to.

Do your in-laws ever visit you?

I've lived abroad (UK) for over 20 years. My kids see my family once every 5 years or so, if that. They video chat and talk on the phone. It's not ideal but it is what it is. I would never expect everyone to sacrifice other holidays for the sake of me or my family, or expect DH to 'suck it up'. And there is no language barrier or isolation in our case. Skip this summer and have a relaxing holiday with your child. They'll see her at Christmas anyway.

Some of it sounds nice but some of it really doesn't.

I would do the following. In the year you do Christmas with them he can go on his own for a week. Selling point is he catches up with family and friends and no need to entertain a kid And you have a family holiday abroad

the non Christmas year you all go

if his parents want to see the grandchild why can’t they visit you?

travel may not work both ways as it might be completely unaffordable for DH's family to travel to UK, wages are much much slower in Eastern central Euope but flight costs are the same as here so proportionally muc more expensive

however OP says her DH can now drive so hiring a car next time might be the way to go so they can have days out in the country there will be beautiful historic places and natural beauty close by whereever it is in Europe, so with good days out enabled by a car it will be much better than being tied to his native village all the time

If it was me I wouldn't go in summer the years you are going for xmas. Could they visit you sometimes or even suggest a joint holiday? It seems more about the location/journey than you don't want to spend time with his family

To add - if it’s Hungarian, that’s a nightmare to learn. Finn-Ugursk dialects are notoriously difficult.