To think visiting DP’s family doesn’t count as a holiday?

[RhiannonTheFlorist]

Been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old daughter. He is from a country in Central Europe. Every August we go for a week, and every other Christmas (we alternate between my family and his). This Christmas we are due to go there.

Before the baby we would have 2 holidays a year (not including the semi-annual Christmas visit) one to visit his family, and one to a nice resort type place. Since the baby, we can’t afford to do this. The Summer trip and Christmas trip are in the budget, but another holiday on top of that isn’t doable, and we couldn’t get the time off anyway.

I have nothing against his family but the trips to the village my partner grew up in aren’t particularly relaxing for me. We fly into the airport in the capital city, then have a 5 hour train and bus journey to get to his village, and I get motion sickness from buses. We also often have a late flight and end up waiting at the dodgy city train station until early morning when the trains start running and last time I got harassed by beggars on the platform when I was heard speaking English, DP gave them short shrift thankfully but it was still scary. DD is also starting to develop bus motion sickness so I’m dreading that part of the journey.

His family don’t speak any English, which is fine, I shouldn’t expect them too. But their language is notoriously hard to learn (please no comments about me needing to learn it, it’s literally known as one of the hardest languages in the world and I have a toddler and work full-time) and despite my efforts I have really struggle to have conversations with them beyond basic politeness. The past 2 times we’ve been they have pestered DP that I need to hurry up and learn the language. His father is a smoker and alcoholic and the house stinks of smoke, so since the baby we stay with his aunt instead, and DP’s father always argues with DP about it as he gets offended that we won’t bring the baby in his house. Also, the first time we took DD at 4 months she developed a temperature and had to be taken on the bus to the hospital and everyone was talking around me in their own language (doctors, DP and family) and I was distraught not knowing what was going on, having to wait for DP to translate. I’m scared of this happening again. DD is also a picky eater and the village shop is tiny and won’t have any of her ‘safe’ foods.

On the other hand, there are some positives.They are very hospitable and they cook for us etc, we have BBQs and days out in the nearest city (though this does require long bus trips). But in the village there is not much phone signal and once they start drinking and having a laugh I am completely excluded and don’t understand a word that is being said.

I understand that DP needs to maintain a relationship with his family and that I signed up for this when committing to him, but I must admit I’m dying for a proper holiday this Summer where I can relax, beachfront walks, play with DD in the pool etc. Just the 3 of us. I raised the idea to DP of doing this instead as we’re going to his country for Christmas anyway, and he was horrified. He also pointed out that his country gets hot in the Summer (it does, can reach 30 degrees), and therefore it still counts as a sunny holiday. He also points out that going to his country we only pay for flights and spends (probably around £1000 for the 3 of us). I found some lovely all-inclusive for £1800, and we could afford that extra £800 but we couldn’t afford that AND the Summer trip to his country AND the Christmas trip.

I’m tempted to tell him that me and DD will swerve the trip to his country this year, and may invite my sister to come somewhere with me and DD instead. But I’m worried this will upset him and his family who absolutely adore my DD.

AIBU?

of course you are

@Cosyblankets Well, if you choose to move to a different country for employment opportunities (a decade before he met the OP) and you can only afford to travel home once or twice a year, surely that’s your decision?

I chose to move to my DH’s home country and when I first moved, I couldn’t afford to visit my family for 16 months. If I’d chosen to move 15 mins down the road from them, of course I could see them more frequently, but I didn’t.

Her DP made his own life choices years before he met the OP, it’s not really anything to with her or how often she sees her family.

Circumstances can change. I can see why when you have a child for example, you might want to go home more often so the child can have a relationship with your family and feel connected to that country/ culture. That’s something which you might not have foreseen. Also as parents might get sick and elderly, you might want to or need to travel home more.

This is something which should always be discussed, but many people probably don’t. I have always been very clear on that point. I live in the U.K. for my DH, not for myself. I would have been in the first plane home if it wasn’t for DH, especially facing healthcare in this country as I get older shudder

Of course i know he made his own choices before they met. I am not blaming her in any way. But in order for him to continue to see his family once or twice a year something has got to give. Maybe the only answer until they can afford otherwise is separate holidays. He sees his family with their child and she goes away with a friend and the child another time.
I no longer have my parents they've both died but I cannot imagine being in that position. I was trying to establish if OP could imagine not seeing her parents for a year. Everyone's relationship with their parents is different. This would be fine for some. It wouldn't for me.

I haven’t decided anything. He is living away from his family. Thats a fact. The sacrifice of seeing family is her partners Thats a fact.

But it also completely depends on where ‘home’ is, money, parental health, holiday time etc.

Can you show me where he is covering their bills?
They're paying airfare for them to get there etc but i can't see anything about them paying their bills.
Unless I've misunderstood

I live in the U.K. for my DH, not for myself.

Yes @MrsDexterr and that’s a key difference between you and the OP’s partner. You moved for your DH’s sake, whereas her partner chose to move to the UK years before he met her. Being far away from his family was 100% his decision.

OP's partner had already been in the UK for 10 years when they met so he was pretty much settled here so I doubt that he is only staying in the UK for OP. I don't know where you are from but I wouldn't want to live in Hungary under Orban's fascist government and living where OP's in-laws do doesn't sound very appealing.

How would you feel about someone contributing half the cost for the visits you HAD to have giving up their own annual leave and money to do so? Would you refuse to agree to doing stuff on those visits that would make it easier for them, like spending some part of the time there somewhere that wasn't in a village at the arse end of nowhere?

No not entirely true. Some immigrants have agreed with her and some (including myself) havent. It isn’t a blanket response to the OP and her position.

Which is why I suggested separate holidays

Yes, her partner’s sacrifice. She can’t be responsible for all decisions that he has made, including the one that resulted in him living away from his family.

I think that part of the reason that I'm viewing this differently from some - apart from my own experiences as the child of an immigrant - is that my generation accepted that when you moved abroad, the likelihood was that you'd see your family only once in a blue moon, as per the family members who moved to Canada, the US, Australia and New Zealand.

In the case of my parents' generation, most of the immigrants that I knew were Displaced Persons who had no expectation of going home at first. When it became possible for them, trips home were a rare experience.

I lived in the U.K. before I met DH too. Appreciate that had I not met DH I would have gone back to my home country and OPs partner might not have. My point about not always seeing what the future bring wis still valid I think. For example before I had my children, I did not know how important it would be for me that they connected with my home country and felt part of my nationality too. How important it was for me that they would be close to my parents and my siblings children. Read books and fairytales from my home country.
I think it can be really challenging to marry someone from another country and truly understand this feeling which might be there even if you have “chosen” to live here for whatever reason.

I think during Brexit for example, I often had the feeling that people living in the UK thought of immigrants and being lucky to be here, but there are so many reasons for people to migrate. Even if the reasons are financial it does not mean you can’t be homesick. Ofc we don’t really know more than the 2 posts from the OP and we haven’t heard from the partner so only getting one side.

I have been on MN too long not to take the “my I laws are awful” with a massive pinch of salt 😆

I didn't say that all immigrants agreed with OP. I said that some posters who have immigrated to the UK from Hungary and one particular poster who had to visit family in the very rural and isolated parts of Hungary as a child have confirmed OP's account of the lack of amenities/infrastructure and the very traditional lifestyles.

I agree that quite a few posters who are immigrants to the UK have strongly disagreed with the OP and are totally on her partner's side.

@MrsDexterr The emotional attachment is v. strong, isn’t it. Even though the UK isn’t doing well right now, I’d move home in a heartbeat.

I did suggest this a few years ago and my children said no (DH was fine with the idea)!
That's the problem when you raise your children in another country, they get emotionally attached there!

I have the opposite issue. My children want to go and live in my home country and DH does not. My eldest is applying for jobs in my home country now and my youngest does not refer to himself as British. None of them want British passports. I am not from the Hungarian countryside though.

is this Hungary? Both myself and DP are from '3rd' countries so we have not been abroad on an 'nuclear family' holiday since DC1 was 1. So DC2&3 have never been on one (a few long weekends yes, but only in Britain). Not that they care, love spending time with their cousins...

you clearly have not read even the first post from OP- she explicitly states it's every second christmas 😱

@MrsDexterr Hmm, i wonder whether he’ll change his mind if they both end up living in your home country!

That’s our issue, we’s prefer not to be on a different continent to our children…although knowing my two, they’ll end up in on different sides of the globe. Our families seem to have a wanderlust on both sides. 😂

Possibly. He would be an expat ofc. British people are always expats, never immigrants 😆

and every August

perhaps can't afford if(as indicated) no-one has a car?

I'd be lobbying for him to see his family without you, it'd save money on the flights, he can relax and enjoy time chatting to them without worrying it's rude to you, he can stay with his dad because the smoking is no longer an issue. I know they'll want to see their grandchild but she will be there at christmas and he can make the visit purely about them if he goes alone. They're his responsibility ultimately, and the relationship he has with them is very important, so I totally understand seeing them once a year feels too infrequent to him, but I'd not be dragged along too.
I'd think with just 1 flight that might leave you enough to do a proper holiday. I totally agree visiting family cannot be classed as a holiday, it's sometimes nice but basically a duty visit. As dd gets older she is likely to feel the same way (mine at 7 and 10 see gps as not too much fun tbh, whereas they love a holiday), so you probably want to discuss how you future proof this too. If he wants her to enjoy visits he will need to put time into her becoming bilingual too I suspect...