To think visiting DP’s family doesn’t count as a holiday?

[RhiannonTheFlorist]

Been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old daughter. He is from a country in Central Europe. Every August we go for a week, and every other Christmas (we alternate between my family and his). This Christmas we are due to go there.

Before the baby we would have 2 holidays a year (not including the semi-annual Christmas visit) one to visit his family, and one to a nice resort type place. Since the baby, we can’t afford to do this. The Summer trip and Christmas trip are in the budget, but another holiday on top of that isn’t doable, and we couldn’t get the time off anyway.

I have nothing against his family but the trips to the village my partner grew up in aren’t particularly relaxing for me. We fly into the airport in the capital city, then have a 5 hour train and bus journey to get to his village, and I get motion sickness from buses. We also often have a late flight and end up waiting at the dodgy city train station until early morning when the trains start running and last time I got harassed by beggars on the platform when I was heard speaking English, DP gave them short shrift thankfully but it was still scary. DD is also starting to develop bus motion sickness so I’m dreading that part of the journey.

His family don’t speak any English, which is fine, I shouldn’t expect them too. But their language is notoriously hard to learn (please no comments about me needing to learn it, it’s literally known as one of the hardest languages in the world and I have a toddler and work full-time) and despite my efforts I have really struggle to have conversations with them beyond basic politeness. The past 2 times we’ve been they have pestered DP that I need to hurry up and learn the language. His father is a smoker and alcoholic and the house stinks of smoke, so since the baby we stay with his aunt instead, and DP’s father always argues with DP about it as he gets offended that we won’t bring the baby in his house. Also, the first time we took DD at 4 months she developed a temperature and had to be taken on the bus to the hospital and everyone was talking around me in their own language (doctors, DP and family) and I was distraught not knowing what was going on, having to wait for DP to translate. I’m scared of this happening again. DD is also a picky eater and the village shop is tiny and won’t have any of her ‘safe’ foods.

On the other hand, there are some positives.They are very hospitable and they cook for us etc, we have BBQs and days out in the nearest city (though this does require long bus trips). But in the village there is not much phone signal and once they start drinking and having a laugh I am completely excluded and don’t understand a word that is being said.

I understand that DP needs to maintain a relationship with his family and that I signed up for this when committing to him, but I must admit I’m dying for a proper holiday this Summer where I can relax, beachfront walks, play with DD in the pool etc. Just the 3 of us. I raised the idea to DP of doing this instead as we’re going to his country for Christmas anyway, and he was horrified. He also pointed out that his country gets hot in the Summer (it does, can reach 30 degrees), and therefore it still counts as a sunny holiday. He also points out that going to his country we only pay for flights and spends (probably around £1000 for the 3 of us). I found some lovely all-inclusive for £1800, and we could afford that extra £800 but we couldn’t afford that AND the Summer trip to his country AND the Christmas trip.

I’m tempted to tell him that me and DD will swerve the trip to his country this year, and may invite my sister to come somewhere with me and DD instead. But I’m worried this will upset him and his family who absolutely adore my DD.

AIBU?

How does it sound like a nice trip?!

It doesn’t matter and that’s the part you don’t understand. He wants to bring his child ‘home’ to his parents, family and friends:

Respectfully unless you have moved abroad and have lived abroad no matter your feelings on it you won’t understand.

Those who are complaining that the OP is being unfair: can you imagine how you would feel if you were required to go "on holiday" in exactly the same town or village as your relatives every time? [ETA Bearing in mind that no other break is being allowed in addition to this?]

No decent public transport, no way of getting out and about, nothing in the town or village bar houses and maybe one shop?

Having to deal with an alcoholic relative on top of that?

And? It doesn’t matter.

Your comment was about how terrible not to take them for one week, when the other 51 are spent away from them, but she is going for a week at Xmas. He decided to live overseas. She deserves a holiday! So he’ll have to go alone or wait until Xmas. It’s 2025 he can still stay in touch with them with phone calls.

Much easier to just not visit.

We are living abroad. We would see our parents max once a year and that meant 2 trips as they don't live near each other.
We had the luxery that they could come to us but also max once a year.

From day one moving away we were very clear that a trip to see them is not a holiday. It is not relaxing and there isn't even a language issue.

There are plenty of other ways to keep contact. Things like face time, zoom calls, letters, phone calls. DD is now 18 and has a very close relationship to her grandparents, she chats with my MIL on WhatsApp on her own on a regular basis.

We did some holidays to our home country to make sure DD learns about her birth culture, she is bi-lingual, and yes, sometimes we stopped on the way to see family but definitely not everytime and not for more than 1-2 days.

While I can understand your DH to be in contact and I think it's important for your child to learn about this side of his family, as a couple you have to compromise.

Him going on his own is one idea, he can bring your child and you stay behind. We did this several times as well.

I'm from another country. DH gets along just fine with my parents and they speak some English. But like OPs ILs, they live in a small village, there really isn't much to do there. So he would come if we go for Xmas, but me and DC visit more often without him. Works for everybody.
I would also guess OPs ILs are more interested in spending time with their son and grandchild anyway.

Could you pay for his parents to come visit you instead?

Even if we offered to pay for them to come here or have a big family holiday somewhere else I think they’d decline. The elderly family members have only left the vicinity of their village a handful of times, and the aunt is scared of flying. They would never get on a plane. Father-in-law would probably come but would be problematic due to the alcoholism.

No need for the all the details and excuses.

Visiting In-Laws and staying with In-Laws is - for most people - NOT a holiday in any shape or form.

Reframe it as visiting his family. Can you turn it into a holiday? Stay longer, visit family BUT spend a few days in a "holiday resort" of your choosing. Lots of people holiday in Hungary if that's where it is, there are so many options.

Is seeing your parents once a year enough? Not really, but that's the reality of living abroad unfortunately. Could he go more often but alone? And it's not much but you should at least take the children once a year.

YABU about the language and big eye roll. Do 10mn a day and watch tv in subtitle or something. It's half of your children's if not culture but cultural heritage, it's not that much too ask, even if it takes a long time.

I do everything you say about the language. I can have basic conversations, but still haven’t learnt enough to connect with them on any meaningful level.

DD is bilingual and knows to speak Hungarian with daddy. Sometimes she speaks it with me and I understand her. But it’s a lot harder to keep up when it’s 5 adults speaking it between each other.

Would they consider visiting you

I think that, while what the money and annual leave is used for is important, its not as important as the principle of equal partnership - equal say over how resource, in this case money and annual leave, is used. It seems as though in this case and over the holiday fund and the leave use, the partnership is not equal. Not a good way to run a partnership.

I think that OP mentioned that she'd tried to compromise - have a few days in Budapest - but her DH has refused.

the OP has said her partner won't do this.

This.

Yeah I’d be refusing to go.

have the row, let dh handle it. If he wants to go on his own with dd then he can. She keeps in touch with her roots, he pays for the Hungary trip, you go on a cheap beach holiday.

You make it sound like you're doing him a favour. His family is your child's as well.

It is a reasonable request for someone to see their family three times in 2 years. Do you currently have a credit card where you can earn points? I was able to use the points that I had earned last year to fly to Stuttgart for the Christmas markets. Flights and hotels cost a total of £2. If you look around you may be able to also get your £800 holiday.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to suggest that the years you go at Xmas you do something else in the summer.

It will be nice for you and your DD to build memories in a different location (and for your DH).

I appreciate he wants to maintain contact but he also chose to move from his home country and having every holiday used for visiting isn’t really fair.

If you ever end up in hospital … get your husband to get you an English speaker.

Doubt there none in a Hungarian hospital.

@Ablondiebutagoody , @Calmdownpeople, spending a 2 weeks of your annual leave with in-laws is not my idea of holidays.
Add to that the long journey there and back,and that for those two weeks, OP is with people who speak no English, and she doesn't speak their language.

Not everyone finds it easy to learn languages, and even if she did learn the language (classes/duolingo/DP), she would probably not be able to converse comfortably.

@YearlySubscriptionRenewal ,10 minutes a day is not going to teach OP the language.
I studied a foreign language for couple of years, and when I was in a group of people who spoke that language, I couldn't keep up.

Yes, you kind of did sign up for this when you started a family with someone from a different country, BUT he also signed up for making compromises when he started a family with someone who wasn’t from that country. He wouldn’t consider it a holiday if he had to spend all of his a/l in the middle of nowhere with your parents, would he? And he doesn’t get to dictate that’s how you spend all of yours either. Are you just never going to have another holiday until all your DC are adults?

There is a lot of compromising to be done in circumstances like these, but it seems you’re the one doing all the compromising.

Good idea!