To think visiting DP’s family doesn’t count as a holiday?

[RhiannonTheFlorist]

Been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old daughter. He is from a country in Central Europe. Every August we go for a week, and every other Christmas (we alternate between my family and his). This Christmas we are due to go there.

Before the baby we would have 2 holidays a year (not including the semi-annual Christmas visit) one to visit his family, and one to a nice resort type place. Since the baby, we can’t afford to do this. The Summer trip and Christmas trip are in the budget, but another holiday on top of that isn’t doable, and we couldn’t get the time off anyway.

I have nothing against his family but the trips to the village my partner grew up in aren’t particularly relaxing for me. We fly into the airport in the capital city, then have a 5 hour train and bus journey to get to his village, and I get motion sickness from buses. We also often have a late flight and end up waiting at the dodgy city train station until early morning when the trains start running and last time I got harassed by beggars on the platform when I was heard speaking English, DP gave them short shrift thankfully but it was still scary. DD is also starting to develop bus motion sickness so I’m dreading that part of the journey.

His family don’t speak any English, which is fine, I shouldn’t expect them too. But their language is notoriously hard to learn (please no comments about me needing to learn it, it’s literally known as one of the hardest languages in the world and I have a toddler and work full-time) and despite my efforts I have really struggle to have conversations with them beyond basic politeness. The past 2 times we’ve been they have pestered DP that I need to hurry up and learn the language. His father is a smoker and alcoholic and the house stinks of smoke, so since the baby we stay with his aunt instead, and DP’s father always argues with DP about it as he gets offended that we won’t bring the baby in his house. Also, the first time we took DD at 4 months she developed a temperature and had to be taken on the bus to the hospital and everyone was talking around me in their own language (doctors, DP and family) and I was distraught not knowing what was going on, having to wait for DP to translate. I’m scared of this happening again. DD is also a picky eater and the village shop is tiny and won’t have any of her ‘safe’ foods.

On the other hand, there are some positives.They are very hospitable and they cook for us etc, we have BBQs and days out in the nearest city (though this does require long bus trips). But in the village there is not much phone signal and once they start drinking and having a laugh I am completely excluded and don’t understand a word that is being said.

I understand that DP needs to maintain a relationship with his family and that I signed up for this when committing to him, but I must admit I’m dying for a proper holiday this Summer where I can relax, beachfront walks, play with DD in the pool etc. Just the 3 of us. I raised the idea to DP of doing this instead as we’re going to his country for Christmas anyway, and he was horrified. He also pointed out that his country gets hot in the Summer (it does, can reach 30 degrees), and therefore it still counts as a sunny holiday. He also points out that going to his country we only pay for flights and spends (probably around £1000 for the 3 of us). I found some lovely all-inclusive for £1800, and we could afford that extra £800 but we couldn’t afford that AND the Summer trip to his country AND the Christmas trip.

I’m tempted to tell him that me and DD will swerve the trip to his country this year, and may invite my sister to come somewhere with me and DD instead. But I’m worried this will upset him and his family who absolutely adore my DD.

AIBU?

If you go for Christmas on alternate years, could you not have a December holiday on the year you don't visit his family. The Canaries are very reasonable in early December and warm enough for a paddle.

Its starting to sound like he never has to do anything you want to do and you have to do stuff you don't want to do? Time for a rebalancing convo with your husband I think.

I know so many people can’t afford to go abroad at all and I should be grateful to travel even if it’s the same destination every time, but I work damn hard for my spare money.

I went to uni and slogged it through unpaid placements in an NHS hospital, and worked my arse off to become a Band 6 in my role and get the pay increase. I get abused, spat on and called every name under the sun by patients and supervise students. I could work a minimum wage job with a lot less stress but then only afford 1 UK trip a year. But instead I work a stressful job with better pay for the quality of life I want us to have as a family. And for me, a nice quality of life includes a nice relaxing abroad holiday once a year and ticking places off the bucket list. I’d love to go to the Greek islands. But all of the holiday budget instantly gets swallowed up by the Hungary trips before it even hits my savings account. We live in an expensive part of the country so despite my hard work (and DH’s), we can’t stretch to 3 trips, so if we continue to do Hungary twice a year we’ll literally never do anything else. And if we have another child and he still insists on Hungary twice a year, god knows what else may end up sacrificed to fund it. Days out, the gym?

I don’t think you can say DD will swerve the trio, although you certainly can yourself. He has a right to take her as much as you have the right to take her on holiday. Also, a lot of the things you mentioned having to do that causes stress in his country such as transport and issues with the language of DD goes into hospital, can happen anywhere abroad.

YANBU. It's understandable that he wants to see his family a couple of times a year but I don't see why you have to use your holidays doing that. Visiting them once a year at Christmas is a very reasonable. He'll need to visit on his own in the future either with or without your DD.

The people saying you signed up for it are being ridiculous. Since when is it compulsory for people to see their in laws?

I have this exact same issue. We usually go to his country Easter and/or summer for 1-2 weeks each time. I am grateful we get to go there and only have to pay for flights and my children get to enjoy the family and culture.
However, I completely agree, it’s not a ‘proper’ holiday as we spend a lot time seeing extended family. What we have done recently is in the summer trip, we go for 2 weeks and spend maybe 4 or 5 days on our own as a family, away from his family and close to the beach so we can have the best of both of worlds. This works really well for us and also still works out cheaper than a full holiday somewhere else. Everyone is happy that way. To be honest his family were a bit funny at first as they see it as such a waste of money when we can just stay with them the whole time but tbh I just find it a bit too intense!
A couple of times we have also swapped the holiday around so we would go somewhere else one year as long as we visited his country at another time. Could you swap out the summer holiday maybe every other year for example and just visit there at Christmas instead?

There’s no suggestion that he is living in the Uk for his partner . She says that he works in the NHS so I assume that he came for work and then met the OP. He is living here out of HIS choice, he chose to get togther and have a baby with someone who lives in the Uk.

Its not her job to sacrifice herself to make that up to him in some way, to save him from the logical consequences of his own choices, made freely as an adult.

Also it’s his family, not hers. They are not married, they don’t speak each other’s language, they are not close. If they split up , she would never see them again.

Again, its not a woman’s job to smooth out things for everyone else at her own expense.

You haven't answered how often you see your own parents, OP.

Oops. Sorry - didn't pick up on that.

Go on holiday on the way home. So a week in his home country then a week in Spain? It’ll be tight on £800but not impossible.

It you are going at Christmas I think it's perfectly reasonable to go somewhere else in the summer. And perhaps only have the summer trips when you are not spending Christmas with them. Also could his family visit you?

OP, I’m Hungarian. Your visits to a little village with smoking/drinking sounds like nightmare and not a holiday.
I visit family with my kids but we go to the Balaton, stay in Bp and the likes. And even then I can’t wait to come back after about 10 days.
Definitely not a holiday. Rent a car, make it a longer holiday and pop over to Croatia even.
Even I feel shortcut when we can’t have a ‘proper’ holiday but I love the sea.

Surely this is irrelevant. If they live close by of course she will see them more regularly. That doesn't mean she needs to travel twice a year to a different country. Once a year sounds reasonable and why can't his family sometimes visit OP?

If I was married to your DH, I'd be suggesting every other summer & every other Christmas. That way his family still get to see him and their grandchildren every year.

Fuck that ! He can visit his family on hos own in the summer the op shouldn’t have to go twice and never have her own holiday again.
why can’t his parents sometimes visit him.

id book my own trip with your toddler and leave him to go home

how bloody boring having to go the same place every year.

I barely ever visit my husbands family - he goes alone or takes the kids with him. My annual leave is precious and I don’t waste it on trips like that

That has already been answered. They can't afford to travel.

Once a month, but it doesn’t cos us £2000 a year

Can you and DD at least cut the trip short and spend a few days in Budapest in an Airbnb or budget hotel ? It’s a great place with loads to do, it seems unfair you can’t at least enjoy the upside of traveling to Hungary. Or find other places in the country.

I would say going forward one family visit per year, then DH has a separate trip either solo or with DD. That seems a fairer way to do it, and no a trip visiting and staying at relatives doesn’t count as a holiday unless they own a beach house and even then it’s debatable.

Hard one. I had all this.

ex is from a village in souther Europe. Every freaking time off spent there and he refused any holidays. Once DS born it was three times a year.

there would be a huge row if on the odd occasion I said I stay behind. He didn’t make the sacrifice of leaving his family to live in uk. He wanted to be here.

waa easier in that I picked up the language quickly.

atm you don’t have the finances for both. Can amity not ch one to you?

Or can you as a family pay the airfare for his DF ? Means one person rather than 3 so at least cheaper.

Thank you.

I love my relatives very much, but staying in a village in central/eastern Europe really isn't a relaxing holiday. I don't know about the OP's situation, but when we visited former Yugo, there was always pressure/expectations that we visit every one in the family.

When I went back as a married woman with my husband, his hope was that we could have a base that relatives could come and visit, but that wasn't how it worked out.

The first time, DH drove us to Serbia, towing a caravan...We must have been mad. (I do not recommend dealing with Serbian border guards/grifters.)

We did manage to have a bit of a holiday on the way back to Scotland - we stopped in a lovely caravan site in Ptuj [ETA: Slovenia] on the way back and also a lovely campsite in Belgium.

Could you hire a summer house in his home country, with a pool ...and invite his family to visit you at the rented house ?

I think a bit more compromise from you both would help. There are fairly cheap BA flights available to Budapest at various morning times, depending on of course where you are flying from. You’re saying you can’t afford BA but you can afford nights in a nice hotel.
DP is not trying to make this more palatable for you, so maybe he and DD could go without you? Maybe someone in his family could help with transport, maybe DP could research more how he can hire a car, or pay for a relative to hire a car to drive you around? Do none of them drive?
It’s hard when everyone is on a tight budget, I do understand that, but it’s important for DP and DD to see his family regularly. Could you pay for the parents to fly to you?
Id suggest that he starts teaching you Hungarian, that he speaks to DD in Hungarian, and encourages his family to learn English- it won’t be so hard for them, with all the English tv and film available. I’d be surprised if most of the younger generation didn’t learn to speak another language or 2 at school.

It's must be boring going to the same remote village twice a year, or at least once a year. Do they ever visit you?

So would DP be open to taking DD without you? He has no accommodation costs, so it's not like a package holiday where a single costs almost as much as a double.