to think most women are still doing the majority of parenting?

[cardycard]

Been on a flight recently. In front of me was a mother and two children. The dad was sat on the opposite aisle reading a book. She was feeding both of them their meal. Then one of them was sick. She was trying to help the child who had been sick and keeping an eye on the other one. The dad just looked over to the child was sick and said are you ok, then carried on his reading his book while she struggled to deal with both of them.

I see this everywhere. It will be women changing the nappies even when the dad is around, or taking toddlers to the toilet. In service stations, the women will be feeding the children while dad is on his phone.

At work, it is mostly women leaving early to pick up or if children are ill. Women are adjusting their work hours. in my organisation the majority of men do not even take their full paternity leave even though it is fully paid.

For the people who can't read, I am not saying this is the case for everyone. I am sure there are wonderful fathers around.

I'm separated from exdp for over 6 years now. He will only see them when he has the time/money/energy to do so. It's currently been 6 weeks since he last saw them. Excuses were no money, he had to work, bad back, and this weekend he couldn't come because 'his back was still a bit stiff' and he couldn't face the drive.

I do all of the parenting. He's basically just the free babysitter that has them occasionally. He doesn't know their shoe size, teachers names, and wouldn't know how to pick them up from school. The dc are thriving, even the youngest who has sen, but I am a broken shell. I dont have any parents, siblings, or aunts or uncles so it's just me and the dc. He knows that but doesn't give a shit. Sadly my experience is not unique.

No not here, mu children's dad dotes on his kids, he is currently out chasing a ball around a field with the youngster and when he gets home he will be helping the elder with Comp Science revision.

When they were younger he comforted, dressed, changed, fed, you know the things they needed, spent hours playing in the garden and park with them, did most of the bedtime reading. He always has and still adores his kids.

And he is working like a bastard to pay off the mortgage so we can use that money to fund university and in time help them out with housing deposits.

It would be sad to think he is a minority.

Yes agreed.
i actually work full time and my husband does the majority of day to day ferrying and parenting. However in every office I’ve worked in I’ve never seen a part time working dad. And I mentally handle all the child/ school stuff.

This proves my point:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5331976-husband-just-cracking-on-with-jobs-with-kids

I saw my husband as a joint parent from the moment they came out of the womb. He has completely stepped up to it and they are his world. I think whenever you see a dad who abdicates responsibility, you need to look at the circumstances of why he’s been allowed to get away with that.

No way would I dutifully crack on dealing with a sick child while he sat relaxing reading a sodding book. Some women are their own worst enemies.

I also had long chats with DH pre DC about how DC need two parents and that I wasn’t mentally or physically prepared to do it alone. We discussed openly how it would always be a shared enterprise and it always has been.

but I’m aware that I speak from a position of massive privilege not every woman meets a man like my DH (and before I sound too smug don’t worry he has plenty of flaws). Lots of women don’t meet reasonable men you see it around all the time- although be wary of confirmation bias and the fact that competent men getting on with things are less obvious

How does it prove 'most'

Not here, and neither of my 2 sons behave that way. Full on fathers. I’d not have married a man who I thought would be too selfish or hopeless not to be, and I’d be ashamed of my sons if they were.

I agree, I used to believe that women were considered equal and then I had kids. My friends’ partners are very much as you say and living stress free off their labour. However, my ex (albeit finding out he was a serial cheat and he’d given me an STI) is still a okay dad. Pays half of all expenses including nursery, school fees and holidays and takes 50% of all illnesses, sticks to his days etc. He’s brought no other woman into their lives as I haven’t with another man and takes them to sports and will happily change plans if I have to stay late at work or go away. The kids are with me for the majority of the time but they see both him and I doing 100 percent of parenting. We may not be together and actually dislike one another but in parenting we’ve always put them first. The rest has been a shit show!

I’m a single parent, so maybe biased, but yes I see it a lot. No part of going on holiday makes me yearn to be in a relationship. Very often it seems like the mum does it all, and the dad enjoys the holiday. Or the dad is grumpy/ moody/ choosing to work instead.

Another one

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5331971-sometimes-being-married-with-little-children-is-so-lonely

Society allows him to get away with it.

Blaming individual women just feeds into the problem.

💯

Mine does most of the parenting and brings in the higher wage. He has much more flexibility and a shorter commute than I do. He does most of the school runs and nursery drop offs, cooks and makes lunches 5 out of 7 days and has the kids for a full day every weekend, while I work. He does all the toddler bath times and 3 out of 7 bedtimes. He also does the majority of the laundry in the week. I do the rest of the bits and shopping.

I can't complain, and I'd like to say it's even balanced but it's not. He even does the nappy changes in the wild when we're out of the house. This morning, he's already made everyone breakfast, see to the kids getting dressed and has done all nappy changes. He's left me to relax and get ready slowly before we go out foe the day.

This works for us. And it swings in round abouts. If he's away for work then I do the everything and vice versa.

If he wants to do less, we have to get help in. He won't pay for something that we are both capable of working out. So he does what he does to help.

I agree it’s probably the norm but luckily, not for me.
ExH and I share equal custody of our DC and it is honestly truly equal. In time, in money and in parenting standards. Our marriage may not have worked but he is a great dad, truly.
He even thinks it’s strange when he gets compliments for being so ‘hands on’ when he believes he is just doing the bare minimum.
I don’t have to worry about DC when they’re with their dad. We ‘cover’ for each other for holidays or occasional nights out. It works very well. I wish more people had this set up post divorce.

Sad but true unfortunately. My ex has worked abroad for 7yrs our of our children’s childhood, earning lots of money whilst i’ve been left to do everything. He at least acknowledges it and tells the kids that they are only well adjusted, successful kids because of me.

Yes. In my experience Dh s get more involved as they get older and more fun and able to do the hobbies that the dh enjoys.

But the daily mental load, teaching manners, life skills, dealing with the emotions. Not so much!

cant say I have noticed this. It isn’t the case in my family or with any of my friends. It was like that when I was growing up in the 90s but in my experience not at all anymore.

A lot of women make it clear they want it this way from the time they are pregnant and when the baby is newborn. It's when they become toddlers that they regret the choice.

A lot of women I've cared for use phrasing like "let" or "allow" to describe the times they've stepped aside for dad to do some of the daily tasks.

You can't have it both ways. You can't declare yourself as the person with the final say, and then expect equal co-parenting for the rubbish and gruelling bits. If you want a co-parent who feels like a co-parent, you have to accept their input into parenting choices.

Although I was in a garden centre yesterday and a man had a newborn in a sling and got a well done from an older woman. I did wonder if the mum would have got a well done!

I walk my dog at 9 am most weekend mornings. We live in a popular cycling area and i see countless men, (never wonen) out on their bikes. I always think there’s probably a Julia from motherland type mum back home running around after the kids…..

You do realise that having a traditional family setup isn't a crime? Nobody is forcing it on you.

Basing my opinion on families I know, I don’t know one family where the father is the default parent.
I know some where the fathers are more hands on than others, but none with an equal division of work, including plenty who claim that both parents equally parent.

My own H was hands on until things got tricky, then he retreated into the comfort of work whilst I managed the load. The split was a big shock to him 🙄