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Original poster

Sometimes, being married with little children is so lonely

105 replies

somebodydid · 10/05/2025 08:29

I feel so fed up today. Two things in our house malfunctioned in the week so the entire weekend will be spent with DH fixing them, going to the DIY store to buy replacement parts for them and complaining about them.

Meanwhile my weekend will look like the week with sole responsibility for two under 4s.

I know as they grow and eventually become teens I’ll be able to do stuff for me again. But right now I can’t and it’s so frustrating.

OP posts:
MummytoAAandX · 10/05/2025 08:35

Is this a regular occurrence that you're on your own for the weekend with the DC or will be this a one off? Do you work to get some adult company during the week?

BrightLightTonight · 10/05/2025 08:38

I’m sure your DH is over the moon about spending his whole weekend fixing broken items.
Is there a reason why you can’t switch roles, and you do the fixing and he looks after the little ones?

Original poster
somebodydid · 10/05/2025 08:42

This is the thing isn’t it? It’s shit for us both and I’m sure we’re both just miserable as hell.

OP posts:
ChandrilanDiscoDroid · 10/05/2025 08:46

It's hard, I know. Do you want the chance to do more of the stuff that needs doing while DH takes the kids? If so, you need to talk to him about it. When DC were younger and we were in your shoes, we'd make sure that I could go for a walk or to the pub by myself for an hour or two, just to get some breathing space.

Blackbookofsmiles1 · 10/05/2025 08:47

I think that’s the truth OP, that it’s shit for you both probably. You could split it and each have a half of the shit, but will that really make a difference…it’s still going to be shit. Maybe the answer is for you both to have a hobby each you do one or two nights and carve out time one evening to be together as that’s also important. I think in general quality of life isn’t great at the moment, too much to do, hardly any time to do it in, plus financial pressures equals a shit quality of life without enough down time.

Original poster
somebodydid · 10/05/2025 08:48

It would just be nice to feel like I had a family. I feel like a hired help to be honest. Like my job is to take the kids away and make sure they don’t get under his feet while he can get on and do what he wants to do.

OP posts:
SpryCat · 10/05/2025 08:57

It is lonely with young children for lots of parents, I remember it well. It’s very full on and I can understand how you feel, the weekends are when you look forward to having some help and adult company with your partner. I’m sure your partner feels just as disgruntled spending his weekend doing diy too but instead of feeling despondent could you pack up a picnic and take children to a park and let them run around and play? The fresh air might perk you up and the kids can run off their energy and your not listening to partner moaning?

Original poster
somebodydid · 10/05/2025 08:59

Yes, I could. Like I did last weekend, and in the week. This is what is so lonely, no respite or end in sight. I know I’m being self pitying and all that but I’m just so fucking fed up.

OP posts:
ChandrilanDiscoDroid · 10/05/2025 09:02

Talk to him about switching roles. I know when mine were young I wanted a chance of time on my own to get on with house stuff rather than always have the DC, so we talked about it and traded off more. He doesn't need to spend literally all weekend fixing shit. He can take them with him on his trip to pick up supplies, for starters.

WeaselsRising · 10/05/2025 09:04

It will get better.

Honestly I can remember that same feeling of desperation when my eldest were the same age. I solved it by going back to work. Best thing I ever did.

Radionowhere · 10/05/2025 09:09

WeaselsRising · 10/05/2025 09:04

It will get better.

Honestly I can remember that same feeling of desperation when my eldest were the same age. I solved it by going back to work. Best thing I ever did.

This. I was at home with my kids for six years. They had the early years that we wanted them to have but it was hard. My mental health improved enormously when I went back to work and I no longer felt obliged to pick up all the domestic drudgery because I was the one at home.
It does get easier OP.

Original poster
somebodydid · 10/05/2025 09:11

@ChandrilanDiscoDroid when I try to point out how nice it would be to get on with house stuff he says I have my days off for that.

It’s completely shit. I work three days a week but not twelve hour shifts so I still have the pleasure of up and out and nursery and then the same at the end of the day. Oh and woken half the night some nights too.

OP posts:
Original poster
somebodydid · 10/05/2025 09:11

It’s only going to get better when they are old enough to be left alone, so probably not until they are teenagers.

OP posts:
ChandrilanDiscoDroid · 10/05/2025 09:18

somebodydid · 10/05/2025 09:11

@ChandrilanDiscoDroid when I try to point out how nice it would be to get on with house stuff he says I have my days off for that.

It’s completely shit. I work three days a week but not twelve hour shifts so I still have the pleasure of up and out and nursery and then the same at the end of the day. Oh and woken half the night some nights too.

Ugh, so he's just another man inventing "jobs" so he never has to parent his own children.

Have you had a balls-out fight about this? Because you need to. He needs to know he's failing you, he's failing his kids, he's damaging your relationship and building up resentment, and he needs to start stepping up and caring for his kids at the weekend.

Original poster
somebodydid · 10/05/2025 09:20

Honestly, I’ve done everything. He’s firmly in the right if you like, he feels hard done by because jobs and even though half of them are engineered BY him (not this weekends to be fair) he still feels hard done by. I don’t feel we’ve even got a marriage any more.

OP posts:
Yearsyonder · 10/05/2025 09:24

I used to feel like this. But I haven't for the past 18months - 2 years. Mine are 4 and 7. They play together well now and I can get on with things. Just being able to move freely though the house and not directly supervise constantly is hugely liberating. I also found my voice and insisted I get time off from being default parent. To be honest he's now very balanced with me, but it took a number of years for me to insist upon a better balance and fight for myself.

I was too passive and somehow instinctually accepted my role as default parent.

Radionowhere · 10/05/2025 09:24

somebodydid · 10/05/2025 09:11

It’s only going to get better when they are old enough to be left alone, so probably not until they are teenagers.

Yup. That is my experience. DH is a busy person, never sits down. Fine. He would busy himself with the stuff he thought needed done, generally outdoors or in the garage, never cleaning sodding bathrooms or doing the laundry. I can't say a great deal has changed tbh. It still pisses me off. We don't argue about it anymore, because he's not idle he can't see my issue. Different priorities.

PermanentTemporary · 10/05/2025 09:26

Why on earth can't he take them to the DIY shop? Great trip out for littlies, fun on the trolley, sing song in the car etc. Learning about all sorts of things. Could take all morning.

I mean, I know why. We had a cleaner briefly when ds was about 9 months. Dh was at home on the first day she worked for us. Dh needed to nip out to Halfords. He left ds with her for the trip out. A woman we'd met once previously, who was there to clean the house, not to look after the baby. Which showed what he thought about keeping ds safe, the job of childcare and the job of cleaning. Plus that he didn't think any of those jobs were ever going to land on his plate.

No wonder you feel as if you're never a team.

Original poster
somebodydid · 10/05/2025 09:27

I can sympathise with that @Radionowhere

The thing is this weekends jobs DO need doing. But last weekends didn’t. So this is the thing, it’s hard to argue because yes some stuff has broken and needs fixing but it’s the culmination of things that I’m fed up with.

Mine fight constantly so feel like I have to supervise … I wish I hadn’t had two tbh awful as that is, they are nice alone.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 10/05/2025 09:28

All the more reason for him to take one of them at least to the shop.

Original poster
somebodydid · 10/05/2025 09:29

Yeah but that’s about forty minutes from a twelve hour day @PermanentTemporary . I need to take them out somewhere because that’s my job, apparently.

OP posts:
Malvala · 10/05/2025 09:34

This is the unspoken reality of most mothers but it’s not talked about enough.

The risk is real that a woman deciding to have kids will regret it, will not like being a mother and be utterly unfulfilled by it.

There is a reason so many women were on Xanax in the 50s and 60s. Housewife is not a job every woman likes no more than every single woman automation would enjoy any “traditionally female” roles.

I hated the job of being a mother. Hated every minute of it. I was so bored, frustrated and exhausted by the sheer drudgery. And I only had one. I stopped at one because it wasn’t the job for me.

mewkins · 10/05/2025 09:34

Op, it will get better before teenage years. In a few years time your weekends with the kids will be unrecognisable. They'll have their own social life for a start with sports, friends parties etc. And they will start enjoying interesting places - being outdoors, museums etc. There is a big turn around when they start school and developing interests so it becomes enjoyable to spend time with them. However it shouldn't be up to you to parent. I think you need to assess what you want and then start about working towards it, however it will look. It may mean that your relationship is over though.

Radionowhere · 10/05/2025 09:41

somebodydid · 10/05/2025 09:27

I can sympathise with that @Radionowhere

The thing is this weekends jobs DO need doing. But last weekends didn’t. So this is the thing, it’s hard to argue because yes some stuff has broken and needs fixing but it’s the culmination of things that I’m fed up with.

Mine fight constantly so feel like I have to supervise … I wish I hadn’t had two tbh awful as that is, they are nice alone.

Do you have family days out? Take a picnic and head off somewhere maybe? I used to find that helped everyone reconnect as a family.
Usually at DH's suggestion come to think of it, probably because he'd run out of outdoor jobs to do. 😒🙄😆

Original poster
somebodydid · 10/05/2025 09:43

Everyone’s obsessed with picnics today. If I never see another one I’ll die happy. Can’t remember the last time we did tbh.

OP posts:
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