to think most women are still doing the majority of parenting?

[cardycard]

Been on a flight recently. In front of me was a mother and two children. The dad was sat on the opposite aisle reading a book. She was feeding both of them their meal. Then one of them was sick. She was trying to help the child who had been sick and keeping an eye on the other one. The dad just looked over to the child was sick and said are you ok, then carried on his reading his book while she struggled to deal with both of them.

I see this everywhere. It will be women changing the nappies even when the dad is around, or taking toddlers to the toilet. In service stations, the women will be feeding the children while dad is on his phone.

At work, it is mostly women leaving early to pick up or if children are ill. Women are adjusting their work hours. in my organisation the majority of men do not even take their full paternity leave even though it is fully paid.

For the people who can't read, I am not saying this is the case for everyone. I am sure there are wonderful fathers around.

So what can women do about it then?

"And the millions of self employed? What do they do? Apart from lose money if they take extra time off."

Well exactly. As I've said society seems to prioritise men working over caring for / bonding with their children.

It's not quite as simple as "men are just not interested...."

Aren't children biologically hard wired to cleave to their mother first? That must cause some issues nowadays.

Yes. Just being honest I always saw my mother as the caring one. Dad worked hard to provide for the family. It didnt occur to me that my mother might have been pissed off that she did the majority of the day to day parenting.

Judging from the dating threads on here, a large proportion of women prioritise men who fulfil "traditional" gender roles and who are only attracted to ambitious "providers". As I say on those threads they shouldn't be surprised if a man with traditional gender views turns out to have all the traditional gender views about a man's place being at work and a woman's at home, not just paying for her dinner while dating.

All the egalitarian parenting relationships I see involve both partners consciously rejecting that traditional dynamic, and it's surprisingly not as easy as it sounds, because there are all sorts of pressures and expectations on both of them.

However if you want a more egalitarian set-up you have to put the effort in to make it happen, because ultimately no one can step in and make your relationship more equal for you.

I had very very long chats with my now ex about what my opinions of parenting and how we worked as a team, he had the same viewpoint. I thought i had it covered.
For example, while on maternity leave I was happy to do nights because he would be at work, but Friday night he would do night duty. This was agreed. If he did one Friday a month it was a good month. When I returned to work I said we had to do every other night, we were both in full time management roles. Funnily enough he didn't.
He never did a playdate, never planned a birthday or party, did a quick click for a toy last minute to show interest after I'd showed him everything I'd sorted.
Unfortunately, even though I thought I'd discussed expectations, it doesn't always work out.

Also, i know very few men who work part time. I know very few men who have planned half of the birthday party or even know all of the details, etc.

However with my group of friend's husbands I see almost equal partners. They are stepping up. But they still get more free time, more hobbies, they get more praise for what they do as an active parent.

But they still get more free time, more hobbies, they get more praise for what they do as an active parent.

I have noticed this with some too. Even the men who do more still have so much more free time which makes me think it is not all that equal after all.

I think if a woman wants a hobby like her partner does she should make it happen. He has his golf on a Saturday she has tennis on a Sunday for example. Just do it. The kids can be with their dad for a few hours surely.

Yes all of my friends seem to be doing the majority of housework and child rearing whilst also working full time.

When my child was 5 months old a random woman on the beach stopped to tell my child’s father that he was such a good dad and it was so nice to see an involved father. This was from witnessing him playing with him for a few minutes and it was actually the first time he’d met his child and I had to fly to another country to bring my child to see him or he wouldn’t have bothered. Fathers seem to get praise for the bare minimum.

Sometimes the dad will keep ringing the mum. or leave everything in a tip, ignore the kids, let them eat crap which makes it harder for her to do her hobbies.

Yeah sometimes, depending on the man. I think women's reluctance to leave the kids and let the man handle things (and also show she has faith in him) just adds to this bad narrative.

@Walkden We also prioritise paying the bills and the mortgage - in most families the higher earner needs to keep earning. It’s a total luxury to take hours off to collect dc from school for example. If my DD who is in a relationship has DC, I will be watching with interest. She earns a lot and they would not manage without her money. She’s self employed so it could be interesting!

This doesn't just happen automatically and inevitably. Women can choose not to have that sort of life.

I agree with you, and starting that from the beginning is very much needed. My past relationship was a shit show. I left for 2 hours to do my hobby for the first time, returned to a 1 year old with known allergies having a major allergic reaction which dad didn't notice as too busy on a screen... you can see why my relationship ended.

I think to a certain degree maternity leave plays a part in this. Women take time away from work and take on the load of parenting. Then they return to work but some dad's then can't change their way of thinking of how after a year they need to do more, which i know could be them lacking in confidence as by this point mum just knows the kid better. But also some mum's have spent maybe a year being the main parent and don't want to relinquish that. It's a tough line to get a good balance of, and only works with good communication and a strong relationship.

Yes it's very easy for patterns, routine, habits to form, roles get taken on by each parent and then that's just how the relationship plays out. Like you say I think maternity leave plays a big part in that.

and the old trope 'Disney Dad' so if man takes over and starts to make all the decisions for their children will mothers complain the children are too attached to the dad? and how does it work for mothers who dont want to work and stay home as that is women's roles? is all the parenting meant to fit in when men come home at night? so women want men to take their children clothes shopping, to events, they want the father's to feed the kids, so some want to be SAHM and still have the fathers do it all? or if they half which half is acceptable?

Honestly most of the women I know who are in parenting relationships like this are because they wanted to be. They barely let the dad do anything from newborn, they didn’t let dad settle the baby, they didn’t let dad take the baby out, they didn’t leave the baby with dad, they got upset during a daddy phase during toddlerhood etc.
They reduced their hours not because they had to or because dad wouldn’t but because the woman wanted to.
All of this created a situation where the kids are less attached to dad and he’s also around less due to work.

Recently we were at a NT property nearby. A mum with Baby, toddler, and what looked like most things piled into pushchair, was given *instructions " on how to get to the kitchen garden on a long path .he however strolled off in opposite direction with 2 spaniels! WtF! Amothrr time a young mum was left to do all attractions while DH played golf!

Well that is on them, they go along with it

My DH has taken more parental leave than I have (female) largely because I am the higher earner and work in the private sector. He works part time and does nearly all of the inset day/sick day parenting as he has more flexibility with his public sector employer. I carry nearly all of the mental load but he does more of the actual doing.

I think that couples are allowed to decide which parts of life they partake in, and in what proportion, without others feeling aggrieved at their choices.

I am very happy to have been the default parent, and equally happy to have left the majority of the financial burden to my husband. This would undoubtedly irritate many women, but that’s their problem.
If our roles had been reversed, we would never have survived as a family, because a family who wants to thrive plays to its strengths, not some arbitrary playbook! I know that there will be families where the traditional roles are completely reversed and they work equally as well.

The 50/50 families, which in 2025 UK appear to be the only ones to be respected, are right for the couples who fit this set up, not for everyone.
As someone with ND, my executive function is not up to the task to cope with doing half of everything, because it really is much more complex, for me, than doing all of something else. Obviously, had I been in a situation where I was required to do everything, then I would have done my best, but why would I set out to make my life more difficult from the get go?

Yes but equally the majority of men are still the primary breadwinner. Especially if you look globally when traditional gender roles are more entrenched in other cultures. All these attitudes go back to early humans where the females looked after the kids and males went out to hunt. Ultimately this is where the disconnect comes from - modern (Western) societal trends vs basic biology.

The dads won't often do other things to help either such as the housework and carrying the mental load. They check out. You see it all the time.

A lot of women at work don't want to take less leave to share with their husbands.

My husband and I are taking shared parental leave - 6 months each - and the reaction we’ve had from other people to this has been very interesting.

Generally, millennials and Gen Z friends / colleagues have been really interested/ thought it’s a good idea. Older generations have acted more negatively and made me feel guilty for not taking longer.

These are some of the comments my husband has received at work “why would you want to do that?!” “what’s your wife doing?!” “be careful! So-and-so went on sabbatical to go travelling and he had no job when he came back as they worked out he wasn’t needed!” I’m sure none of this would get said to a woman!