Friend becoming overbearing

[DontReplyIWillLie]

And not just with me, which is the main issue…

I have a friend, Daisy, who I’ve known for a few years through a hobby. She’s a very nice, kind woman, but she does tend to go overboard on texts, that are largely about nothing. She’s an early riser too, so when my alarm goes off and I barely know where or even who I am, the first thing I see is “Good morning Don’t. Today looks like it will be a lovely day. The sun is already shining. I may take a walk in the park” or similar. Sometimes I don’t remember to reply when I’ve woken up properly, but I must admit that sometimes I just don’t bother, as there’s no question to answer or anything that really requires a reaction. I was hoping this might discourage her from the daily bulletin.

Anyway, she picked up on it and I got this long text saying “I have noticed that sometimes I text you and you do not reply. Please let me know if I have offended you somehow and should not be texting you anymore”. I bit the bullet and said that sometimes I just forget because I see the messages when I’m barely awake, and that sometimes I don’t think something needs a reply if there isn’t a question or something specific to say. She was a bit bewildered about the first part - she was saying “But surely you turn your phone off at night, so you don’t see any messages until you switch it on and can check them?” - but she seemed to have got that I’m not trying to upset her; I just don’t need a text for everything.

However, this communication overdose has now spread to my other friends; people she only knows through me. I ran into a friend, Carol, who I hadn’t seen in ages while on my way to meet Daisy and invited her to join us for a drink. They got on well and swapped numbers, because they share a common interest. Barely a fortnight later Daisy messaged me saying “Have you heard from Carol? Is she okay? I’ve messaged her three times this week and she hasn’t responded”. I was taken aback, and I did say maybe it was a bit much. (I’ve known Carol for years and I probably only hear from her every few weeks or so.) I asked Carol the next time I spoke to her and she awkwardly said that she’d found it a bit odd; she’d really only expected to share a couple of links and so on.

This wasn’t the only time. Another friend runs a bar; I took Daisy in for a drink and we chatted to him while it was quiet. The next time I saw him he said, “Bloody hell, that Daisy’s a bit much, isn’t she? She’s messaged three times asking when she can bring me some cakes! I don’t even know her!” I had no idea she’d even asked for his number.

Anyway, it’s my birthday coming up. I usually go away for it with another friend, as hers is a few days earlier, but we’re not doing that this year. The question is, do I invite Daisy on my birthday night out? I just have visions of her wanting to swap numbers with all my other friends and then chasing them wanting to know why they haven’t replied today, when can she bake them a cake etc.. I really don’t fancy having my friends all complaining to me that they’re being bombarded by someone they barely know.

Do I just not ask her? She doesn’t do social media (part of the reason she always wants to swap numbers - she can’t just add people on Facebook or whatever) so it’s not like she’d see pictures and find out. Or am I being mean?

I’ve seen your posts on other threads and I would not be throwing that particular stone.

I don't think this is the case of the OP 'not being nice'.

Daisy is expecting a lot from other people, including those she barely knows. If someone I'd just met starting sending me regular texts, than challenged me because I didn't respond to them all, I'd find that very taxing.

The challenging people to respond- have I offended you?- is really annoying. OMG.

It's really selfish and rude to be bombarding people with messages all day long.

I have a friend who does this, and guess what? If ever she has a friend to visit and stay, or goes away on holiday, she goes completely quiet.

These people use and need endless chatter to fill their day to day.

It's userish behaviour and not considerate of other people at all.

The goal isn't really to talk, it's to give themselves a sense of substance

@DontReplyIWillLie I don’t think you’re being unkind at all. You’re being a friend to Daisy in your preferred way (which just happens to be most people’s way) and Daisy is reciprocating in her preferred way.

Daisy is obviously a nice person and seemingly lonely so I wouldn’t exclude her from your birthday as it would be so sad if she somehow did find out you’d not invited her. I would just meet up with her for a coffee and just let her know your boundaries and your friend set being the same and just managed her expectations that generally people don’t like frequent texts and to not be disappointed if she gets radio silence back. That it’s not personal and only because yiu care youre letting her know this?

I think it would be really unkind to leave her out of your birthday. I think as others say you should have a direct conversation - she's clearly open to feedback as she asked before if she's upset you. Try and find out if there's something driving this behaviour, and say that your observation is these days most people aren't avid texters with so many other life pressures and she might find she gets more or better responses off people if she matched their energy.

It’s too much. I think you’d be best to say to her that you don’t use your phone very much, and don’t really do a lot of texting back and forth so don’t expect a reply all the time.
I wouldn’t worry about your other friends, they can set down their own boundaries.

I remember being at my friends baby's christening and a friend of hers who I had met once or twice was a bit much. Very over friendly, sort of inviting herself into our group. I told her I was going travelling in a few weeks and she asked if she could come with me 🤣 these clingy people make people uncomfortable, it's in most people's nature to be cool especially with those they don't know. I wouldn't invite her out with your friends, maybe you could just do lunch the two of you another day?

She's giving baby reindeer vibes.

I wouldn't invite her. She needs to stop harassing people.

I guess it is time to decide if you want to keep her as a friend or step back and let the friendship fall away.

Do you think she will cease texting you inane updates after your response? Do you actually value the friendship?

Her ‘befriending’ your friends I would worry less about, they can deal with it and shouldn’t ‘blame’ you for it.

She doesn't use social media but sounds exactly like the kind of person who should!

When you speak to her about all of this, I'd suggest she gets a Facebook account. She can add lots of people who she barely knows and post her early morning status each day. People would give them a like here and there when they're scrolling through their phone. She can interact with other people's posts. She'd get the interaction she's seeking without pestering anyone directly.

She just sounds really lonely and as though she's trying to improve the situation. If it's too much maybe just let her know as gently as you can. You have friends. Maybe she doesn't. She's trying to be nice.

Daisy, don't be insulted, but I find this level of text correspondence and text ping pong excessive. I don't have the patience for too much text chitchat, I think most of my circle are jaded by text chat. We all keep it to a minimum.

Why is sending a message saying good morning entertainment. It’s just not for op. Some of you are like trolls in caves.

@PerkyGreenCat not everyone wants bloody Facebook. So she’s just not allowed to communicate without Facebook? You lot are horrible.

This. OP your original post sounded a bit patronising. Tell her in a kind way it’s too much, but din’t bitch behind her back with other friends.

Or simply "I m just not a fan of text ping pong".

I had a friend like this. Literally would repeat herself from dawn to dusk over messages when she ran out of things to talk about.
My phone was constantly beeping and I can’t turn it off neither. Drove me mad.
I distanced myself saying I’m not good at replying to messages as I’m busy or just simply forget and luckily I did as even now when I see her in person she moans that people don’t reply to her messages. Like get the hint!

I have a friend like this and I totally understand why it’s a bit irritating. Ignore posters who are saying you’re not nice because you struggle with that!

My friend texts but she also updates social media no fewer than 10 times a day. It’s everything from ‘Good morning world’ to ‘I’m having a chicken sandwich for lunch’. She then sends links of these posts on WhatsApp. She is otherwise a really lovely friend but for whatever reason, must feel isolated or in need of regular affirmation.

I want her in my life and don’t want to hurt her so I’ve set the pace of it myself. Sometimes I reply to the messages and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes just a simple ‘thumbs up’ will do. She’s no longer reading anything into my ‘silence’ and if I’m not expected to reply then I can manage it quite well.

I figure if it makes her feel more connected, then I can live with that.

Also, you can mute people on WhatsApp. This means you haven’t got messages popping up at random times but instead can choose to look at them when you’re free.

Oh my good lord. Links to her sandwich! I would mute her.

So hang on… according to you, I’m an awful person for the way I have responded to people “trying to help” - when it was actually just one person who was telling me what a bitch I am, as well as ignoring the facts - but suggesting someone who likes regular casual contact might enjoy Facebook is “horrible”? How?

For what it’s worth, I agree that “bloody Facebook”, as you call it, would be ideal for her. But I know she doesn’t like social media and wouldn’t even consider it.

Don’t invite her - it’s ok not to mix certain friend groups for many reasons.

Daisy sounds like she's got advice from mumsnet on how to relentlessly pursue people who owe you friendship.