Friend becoming overbearing

[DontReplyIWillLie]

And not just with me, which is the main issue…

I have a friend, Daisy, who I’ve known for a few years through a hobby. She’s a very nice, kind woman, but she does tend to go overboard on texts, that are largely about nothing. She’s an early riser too, so when my alarm goes off and I barely know where or even who I am, the first thing I see is “Good morning Don’t. Today looks like it will be a lovely day. The sun is already shining. I may take a walk in the park” or similar. Sometimes I don’t remember to reply when I’ve woken up properly, but I must admit that sometimes I just don’t bother, as there’s no question to answer or anything that really requires a reaction. I was hoping this might discourage her from the daily bulletin.

Anyway, she picked up on it and I got this long text saying “I have noticed that sometimes I text you and you do not reply. Please let me know if I have offended you somehow and should not be texting you anymore”. I bit the bullet and said that sometimes I just forget because I see the messages when I’m barely awake, and that sometimes I don’t think something needs a reply if there isn’t a question or something specific to say. She was a bit bewildered about the first part - she was saying “But surely you turn your phone off at night, so you don’t see any messages until you switch it on and can check them?” - but she seemed to have got that I’m not trying to upset her; I just don’t need a text for everything.

However, this communication overdose has now spread to my other friends; people she only knows through me. I ran into a friend, Carol, who I hadn’t seen in ages while on my way to meet Daisy and invited her to join us for a drink. They got on well and swapped numbers, because they share a common interest. Barely a fortnight later Daisy messaged me saying “Have you heard from Carol? Is she okay? I’ve messaged her three times this week and she hasn’t responded”. I was taken aback, and I did say maybe it was a bit much. (I’ve known Carol for years and I probably only hear from her every few weeks or so.) I asked Carol the next time I spoke to her and she awkwardly said that she’d found it a bit odd; she’d really only expected to share a couple of links and so on.

This wasn’t the only time. Another friend runs a bar; I took Daisy in for a drink and we chatted to him while it was quiet. The next time I saw him he said, “Bloody hell, that Daisy’s a bit much, isn’t she? She’s messaged three times asking when she can bring me some cakes! I don’t even know her!” I had no idea she’d even asked for his number.

Anyway, it’s my birthday coming up. I usually go away for it with another friend, as hers is a few days earlier, but we’re not doing that this year. The question is, do I invite Daisy on my birthday night out? I just have visions of her wanting to swap numbers with all my other friends and then chasing them wanting to know why they haven’t replied today, when can she bake them a cake etc.. I really don’t fancy having my friends all complaining to me that they’re being bombarded by someone they barely know.

Do I just not ask her? She doesn’t do social media (part of the reason she always wants to swap numbers - she can’t just add people on Facebook or whatever) so it’s not like she’d see pictures and find out. Or am I being mean?

I was an only child and the way I was brought up - long story! - I ended up socially awkward and finding it difficult to make friends. Trying to compensate, I found myself being over-friendly, occasionally almost somewhat pushy, and yet strangely reticent. I genuinely didn’t know about ‘boundaries’ and how to read people and interact with potential friends. And yet I was really nice and always ready to go the extra mile.

I think your friend is a people pleaser who often gets it wrong, and she seems a bit vulnerable, @DontReplyIWillLie. Possibly simply over-compensating and thinking her overtures would be welcome, so a little kindness, coupled with some gentle guidance, might help Daisy a lot. And you might end up with a really good and genuine friend.

Are you Daisy?

WTAF! What's the matter with you? You are living in a fantasy land where Daisy has loads of 'proper' friends, unlike OP who just has acquaintences who don't really like her but enjoy 'running down vulnerable people' together. You are desperate for OP to get her comeuppance by losing Daisy's friendship, but as most people on this thread can see, it is Daisy who will be the loser.

Also, gossiping and good nights out can often lead to great friendships.

Do you ever message her first?
Even just a text to say "Hi Daisy. How are you?"

I think she sounds lonely.
It's not like she is bombarding you with her problems. She's just making conversation.
She's not asking personal questions about your life.
She has said she doesn't expect a reply straight away.

Often people who are over friendly are just lonely.
She may have experienced rejection in her life.

She doesn't sound as though she is being demanding. Not expecting you to drop everything and spend time with her.
It just sounds like she needs someone to talk to.

I'd just acknowledge her messages even if you don't want to fully reply. Just a friendly emoji might be enough to brighten her day.

You are a walking red flag with the insults, backstabbing and gossiping, but we are not the first to tell you that I suspect…

Who’s “we”? Because looking at the thread, it’s hardly overrun with people agreeing with you. In fact I can see two - one of whom must be a PBP, as all her posts have since been deleted.

You still haven’t told me what this gossip is I’ve shared, or who with.

@ Feelingmuchbetter -

What is your problem? The OP finds constant texts a bit much: you are now accusing her of “insults, backstabbing and gossiping”. It makes me wonder whether you too are the sort of needy person who can’t cope without constant attention from others. You’ve made your point on here a number of times, to the extent that you’re practically trolling the OP. It’s fine to have a difference of opinion and to think that the OP is wrong and to tell them why, but it’s absolutely not OK to make ad hominem attacks for shortcomings that are all in your head. I’m with the OP - I would find Daisy’s behaviour just too much, and I would not be inflicting her on a group of friends, having seen how she has behaved in the past.

I feel for you OP, these situations are so difficult to navigate. Daisy is clearly a bit lonely and needy, and whilst you like her and want to keep her as a friend, you don’t want this level of communication. A lot of posts on here seem to be quite extreme, from people almost saying “just tell her to fuck off” , to people saying you’re a nasty bitch for not enjoying the endless chatter. It’s hard to find a balance.

Personally I’d tell her I’m not great at replying to texts as I’m often rushing around and I forget, but not to take it personally. And also this is where emojis come in handy - smiley face etc. And I know you said she’s not interested in social media, but Facebook seems tailor made for her personality, so I’d keep promoting it!

Regarding your birthday - no need to invite her. I rarely mix different groups of friends because it spoils the occasion for me, constantly worrying if everyone is getting on OK.

It’s not your job to make her happy, to fix her or to do what she wants.

You are not obligated in any way.

I did “unfriend” a person from my book group as she started giving daily running commentary of her every thought. I finally blocked her after a long SM string of messages about missing the bus, & what takeaway to get her husband and then an another string of panic when the falafel shop was shut. She was asking: What should I get him??? I had not replied to any messsges but they kept coming.
(I didn’t even know her husband & we were casual friends best, both working full time w kids)

It became awkward next face to face but I just told her - too many messages. Feel that she didn’t think it was too many… but she stopped and I do not miss our “friendship”

Firm believer that people are not responsible for the happiness or MH of others. Only they can make selves happy, or make the changes to support own MH.

It shouldn’t take randoms on the internet to explain to you what gossiping is. Use chat gpt and look it up. This is not a good reflection on you as a person. You should be talking directly to Daisy. It’s okay not to like her, you are not obliged to tolerate her friendship style at all, but you should have the decency to tell her gently and openly, particularly if she is ND, and retreat gracefully.

I am getting annoyed with you because you are bullying her. Choosing not to invite her (exclusion) and blaming her. Either let her go with kindness or be a decent friend. You are doing neither at the moment.

nonsense.

From what you have said, it sounds like Daisy is being a real, perhaps old-fashioned friend, who isn't content with meaningless 3 word generic memes and answers on a SM platform to thousands of other people. She wants proper interaction and engagement.

if you don't want that, fine but she's who she is and I would treasure that kind of friendship. I didn't read all the other stuff you've written about how she interacts with your other friends, because it sounds a bit petty and gossipy.

it's sad people find that connection so annoying, but we're all different. Maybe just let her know you prefer another communications than texting, not everyone likes it,

I have had my own Daisies - we all have I suspect - and I just gradually faded her out without drama or difficulty. As far as I am aware my Daisy now has a new group of boho friends she is very suited to, and I am really happy for her. Our group wasn’t a good fit for her, and that’s okay.

@Feelingmuchbetter OP doesn’t have to invite her to her birthday surely? I don’t invite all my friends to everything. I’ve got lunch friends, evening friends, football friends, work friends. I don’t mix them all up. Why should I ? They’re still my friends. If I was doing something with friend A and didn’t invite friend B, does that mean I need to drop friend B for ever, and “let her go with kindness”?

I finally blocked her after a long SM string of messages about missing the bus, & what takeaway to get her husband and then an another string of panic when the falafel shop was shut.

that sounds like the majority of threads started on MN. What shall I make for dinner? Anyone else get frustrated when they miss the bus? OMG where's the nearest falafel shop? 😂

You are trying to assert your perfectly reasonable boundaries whilst also showing some concern for this friend.

The question is, do I invite Daisy on my birthday night out? I just have visions of her wanting to swap numbers with all my other friends and then chasing them wanting to know why they haven’t replied today, when can she bake them a cake etc.. I really don’t fancy having my friends all complaining to me that they’re being bombarded by someone they barely know

She probably will do that. Don't invite her until you feel this situation is in a better place.

The kind of intensity she's displaying is like someone who's in the middle of a well established romantic relationship, or someone who is extremely lonely. It's not really the outreach that's the main problem, it's her entitlement to a response to all those outreaches that's really the issue.

It's going to be difficult for you to fix this in a way that doesn't hurt her feelings.
I think the best way is to just tell her who you are and let her figure out how her friendship and communication fits into that.

For example, when the right moment comes, say something like - 'I'm afraid I'm not the type of person who enjoys / responds well to this level of texts and daily communication, so please don't be surprised if I don't respond the way you'd like me to'.

If she starts arguing about that it's just polite to do respond, that it's perfectly nice and normal to text people this much, don't start justifying yourself as that will escalate into an argument. Just say you don't agree, that this is the type of person you are and the type of friendship that she will have with you. If she's disappointed with that, then say that it's best that she sends those messages to someone who is looking for this type of close / intense friendship so that she's not disappointed with you.

It doesn’t mean you have to cut her off completely, but this will communicate to her that this is who you are, you are not going to change. It's then up to her if she accepts this or not, and if she doesn't, then she is free to make friends elsewhere.

Great advice. This is what true friendship looks like. Honesty and helping each other to be better people including socially.

It shouldn’t take randoms on the internet to explain to you what gossiping is.

I'm well aware what it is, thank you. That’s why I want you to explain why you’re accusing me of doing it.

I am getting annoyed with you because you are bullying her.

How? This is a totally unfounded accusation.

I didn't read all the other stuff you've written about how she interacts with your other friends

But you still felt your input on the topic was invaluable?

The whole point of OP's thread is about the stuff that you have refused to read about how she interacts with OP's other friends.

She bombards OP's friends with texts and when they don't respond, she contacts OP to ask if these friends are OK as she hasn't receive a response. Most people would find this annoying.

An old fashioned friendship wouldn't include constant texting.

Suggest to her she get a BlueSky account. She can put whatever she likes on there and nobody will mind.

This. Reminds me of threads where a empathetic, nice sounding person (often too nice) is struggling with asserting boundaries with a needy or demanding neighbour. There's always a few on there accusing the poster of being an Ice Queen, hard-meanie, unneighbourly, or the thing that's wrong with society these days, and on and on & on.

I just don't think men would be berated like this for daring to not be emotionally on-call for everyone's needs in the neighbourhood. It's like women are often pressured (often by other women) to be a sort of mother figure for all of society, and if they dare to have any boundaries, they are horrible people.

The sort of posts I've seen often place completely unrealistic expectations on the poster, and I think the people doing all the judging in those threads are ones that simply enjoy being righteous.

Your original post ended “or am I being mean?” Most prople thought you weren’t, a small minority thought you were. Amongst those who (assumedly) thought you weren’t being mean there were suggestions as to how you could deal with the issue kindly. Your response sounded pretty defensive to me but the sensible thing is to take away and think about thd suggestions that resonate with you and act on them, but in kindness and understanding 🤗

Daisy would do my fucking head in.

Your central point is that you don’t want her to come to your birthday celebration, you have said you don’t want her there because she annoys you. So don’t invite her, you are not obliged to have her there if you don’t like her. But you do have to own the reasons.

You have to be aware though, if you wish to continue any kind of friendship with her, leaving her out is going to come across as exclusion and will be very hurtful and confusing for her. Talking about her text style etc behind her back to others is obviously not the actions of any kind of friend.

I suspect you don’t want to drop her in case you need her, so you will begrudgingly invite her along and continue to talk about her behind her back. I personally can’t stand people that do this, it’s unethical, dishonest and weak.

Either be a good and honest friend or don’t bother, but don’t string her along breadcrumbing whilst gossiping about her.

Let's say, I skim-read then to be more precise, because it all sounds exhausting and I find that level of minutiae tedious, sorry,

Why does the OP need to get involved with all the other people. These are all autonomous adults, why does the OP need to gossip with the friends and get caught up in it.

OK so new suggestion OP, be clear with Daisy that you don't have the time to keep up with so many texts and youd prefer her to stop doing it because you don't want to just ignore them, but you don't have the time. And please can she not text after 9pm because you find it distracting.