Friend becoming overbearing

[DontReplyIWillLie]

And not just with me, which is the main issue…

I have a friend, Daisy, who I’ve known for a few years through a hobby. She’s a very nice, kind woman, but she does tend to go overboard on texts, that are largely about nothing. She’s an early riser too, so when my alarm goes off and I barely know where or even who I am, the first thing I see is “Good morning Don’t. Today looks like it will be a lovely day. The sun is already shining. I may take a walk in the park” or similar. Sometimes I don’t remember to reply when I’ve woken up properly, but I must admit that sometimes I just don’t bother, as there’s no question to answer or anything that really requires a reaction. I was hoping this might discourage her from the daily bulletin.

Anyway, she picked up on it and I got this long text saying “I have noticed that sometimes I text you and you do not reply. Please let me know if I have offended you somehow and should not be texting you anymore”. I bit the bullet and said that sometimes I just forget because I see the messages when I’m barely awake, and that sometimes I don’t think something needs a reply if there isn’t a question or something specific to say. She was a bit bewildered about the first part - she was saying “But surely you turn your phone off at night, so you don’t see any messages until you switch it on and can check them?” - but she seemed to have got that I’m not trying to upset her; I just don’t need a text for everything.

However, this communication overdose has now spread to my other friends; people she only knows through me. I ran into a friend, Carol, who I hadn’t seen in ages while on my way to meet Daisy and invited her to join us for a drink. They got on well and swapped numbers, because they share a common interest. Barely a fortnight later Daisy messaged me saying “Have you heard from Carol? Is she okay? I’ve messaged her three times this week and she hasn’t responded”. I was taken aback, and I did say maybe it was a bit much. (I’ve known Carol for years and I probably only hear from her every few weeks or so.) I asked Carol the next time I spoke to her and she awkwardly said that she’d found it a bit odd; she’d really only expected to share a couple of links and so on.

This wasn’t the only time. Another friend runs a bar; I took Daisy in for a drink and we chatted to him while it was quiet. The next time I saw him he said, “Bloody hell, that Daisy’s a bit much, isn’t she? She’s messaged three times asking when she can bring me some cakes! I don’t even know her!” I had no idea she’d even asked for his number.

Anyway, it’s my birthday coming up. I usually go away for it with another friend, as hers is a few days earlier, but we’re not doing that this year. The question is, do I invite Daisy on my birthday night out? I just have visions of her wanting to swap numbers with all my other friends and then chasing them wanting to know why they haven’t replied today, when can she bake them a cake etc.. I really don’t fancy having my friends all complaining to me that they’re being bombarded by someone they barely know.

Do I just not ask her? She doesn’t do social media (part of the reason she always wants to swap numbers - she can’t just add people on Facebook or whatever) so it’s not like she’d see pictures and find out. Or am I being mean?

And you sound absolutely unhinged and detached from the reality of how the thread has actually gone.

Even Daisy deserves better.

This is a great idea. Maybe prime them to say to Daisy "I don't get out my number but shall I add you on Facebook?" in the hope that she'll be inspired to set it up! @DontReplyIWillLie do you know why Daisy doesn't use FB, by the way? Does she use WhatsApp?

She is one of those people who like me who are socially awkward and don't know how to make friends. She needs someone to sit down and tell her the truth. She may just not be able to read the room.

You could do her a massive favour by telling here how she comes across, despite her best intention. She needs to learn social norms.

No one told me when I was too intense, but just cut me out. I don't blame them. Life has changed so I can see a lot differently now but I've lost years of potential friends in the meantime.

Oh gosh a lot of Daisies on here OP. This actually sounds like a friend of mine too. I even pictured her face when I read the post.
I wouldn’t invite her but I’m thinking would she be expecting you to do something for your birthday and maybe want to hang out anyway?! I had this with mine, she literally asked everyday leading up to my birthday if I decided what “we were going to do” it was so jarring

If ever there was a post where the phrase ‘wilful ignorance’ could be used to
describe some of the PP’s - here it is!

OP your friend Daisy sounds like hard work with the relentless texting. I probably wouldn’t invite her to my birthday for the reasons you’ve stated as I’d want to avoid further friend issues.

Her asking for numbers from people she has just met and then bombarding them is weird behaviour. It’s like she can’t read social cues or something.

Asking about it on here isn’t bullying or gossiping ffs. Some PP’s are being utterly ridiculous and OTT.

do you know why Daisy doesn't use FB, by the way? Does she use WhatsApp?

She's quite old fashioned about communication, for the want of a better word (although Facebook itself is apparently only for older people now, if you believe what you read on here!) Ironically, I think she doesn’t use social media because she doesn’t see the point in telling people things online when you could just message them - not getting that some people find it too much to feel obliged to have these conversations.

She doesn’t even have a smartphone. She’s very much of the “But why would I want to use my phone as a computer?” school of thought.

It’s possible to adjust your phone settings so you don’t get text notifications at night. It’s possible to mute notifications from certain groups/people. It’s possible for your friends to set their own boundaries

So, OP would then have to take it on herself to discuss Daisy's shortcomings with people who have never even met her and make some sort of joint effort to manage Daisy's inappropriate behaviour.

No, this is just unnecessary and adding layers of difficulty and possible issues. What if one of the friends decides to tell Daisy she was warned she might be too demanding and needy? What if - a dozen different things.

Daisy is the issue, not the OP and not her other friends. There is no reason why OP cannot simply see Daisy when it suits them both and see her other friends at different times. Not all friends intersect, and that's fine.

And the OP can set hers too of course, and simply not invite Daisy along to meet her other friends. Not introducing all your friends to one another is a perfectly normal, harmless everyday scenario.

I’m well aware of all that, thank you.

I’d keep Daisy as a separate friend OP - it sounds like you do enjoy her company when it’s the two of you.

do something with Daisy for your bday (shopping lunch trip or similar) and then with your other friends group. Like you say , she won’t know as she’s not on social media.

I asked yonks ago before the arguments began what age group you were as I thought it might shed some extra light on the situation. For instance, is Daisy older?

I have a neighbour and a friend’s daughter who both do this and it’s exhausting. They do both have autism so I get that they struggle to read social cues and boundaries. It sounds like Daisy is similar in that she doesn’t have an understanding of social boundaries. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not invite her as you deserve to enjoy your birthday without additional stress.

As a matter of fact, I’m wondering if Daisy IS my neighbour. She even does the cake thing!

She sounds very needy.

I have an actress friend like this who is forever sending texts or WhatsApp about some drama or other, and everyday contains something. I like seeing her as she is very entertaining, but I've found that after seeing her she starts sending me a running commentary on her life.

I've intentionally adopted the pose that I'm crap with social media (don't bother) and that at weekends I often leave my phone in the bottom of my handbag for days at a time. I don't mind apologising to her for ignoring her messages and I'm sure she things that I'm a lousy friend, but she'd drive me mad otherwise. It's not so much that she is lonely, but that she's very narcissistic and completely self obsessed.

Some people are just like that... and some people find it lovely, and others don't.

I feel like I can be a bit like that sometimes, although I don't offer to bake a cake 3 times :) For example I met a girl yesterday I got on with and texted her asking if she fancied doing something with me soon/ staying in touch.

My best friend is like that, and I love it most of the time. She'll meet random people and chat to them, she's a really sparkly, happy, chatty person that just wants to bring people together. She can be a bit much sometimes, e.g. she'll be buying somoene a present and leaves me 4 voicenotes asking for my opinion. Or she'll call and we talk for 90 mins. When I was going through a breakup she came and spent every day with me for a few days.

She'll send me a morning voicenote along the lines of what you described, and make an effort to connect with new people.

While it can be a bit much sometimes, I'd rather have someone like that than someone that's really hard to pin down/ never wants to get involved in anything.

She's Greek so a big part of it is different cultural standards/ closeness.

People have different comms standards.

I presume your friends are adults so they'll be able to keep Daisy at bay and have boundaries. If she's your friend and generally lovely, just invite her.

There could be neurodiversity element there, for example ADHD people can be a bit obsessive and intense with new people. Same in a bipolar manic streak. I notice people acting like Daisy with me often and I manage them, e.g. if i feel like a chat, i'll text back and we may text very intensely. other times i leave a few days til i am in the headspace.

Hope this helps.

So you didn't read the OP's posts then?

This could be an angle... just say you don't have text notifications switched on any more as you only use SMS for security verifications and everything comes via Whatsapp. And you've heard others do the same!

Does Daisy know that you're planning a birthday get-together? If she would be blissfully unaware, definitely don't invite her.

Sorry you feel that way, my son is ND and we find he struggles with social norms, it's actually one of his major issues. My SiL is also autistic/has autism and does a lot of texting/bombards either no reply. We find explaining in a really kind and gentle way, the un-written rules of certain social engagements really helps, as advised by his psychiatrist (there's a great book for ND people specifically about unwritten rules and how to understand them which our psychiatrist recommended - tech, emails and texting is in there and they recommend explaining these things clearly).
I'm so sorry you felt offended, it was in no way intentional and only based on personal experience and what has worked really well for our Nd family members who have similar challenges around socialising.

Did Daisy message this morning Op?

This.

And not just with me, which is the main issue…

so other adults also have an issue with it? So let them deal with it.

Oh… I’m late to the party on this one! 😄

She sounds socially inept OP. Could she be neurodivergent?

If you want to continue the friendship you need to accept her as she is, but it’s okay to have a discussion about how often/how early you want to be texted.

What’s the name of the book please?