Sister angry I “yanked” my nephew’s arm and told him off

[Mmemm]

So I live with my parents (saving up for flat in London). My sister often visits with her child and husband.

We have a gorgeous 12 yo Golden Retriever who is enjoying his golden years sunbathing on the sofa. Anyway, I was in the living room on my phone when I saw my little toddler nephew go up to my dog on the sofa and hit him on the head with a coaster. Obviously it’s not heavy but I reacted as I am protective of my elderly dog, poor boy was dozing. I ran up to my nephew and held him by arm and said “we do not throw things at ‘Lucky’, how would you like it if I hit you in the face? That was very mean of you”. I took the coaster away from him and said if he can’t use it nicely then he can’t have it. Not a big deal. Pretty normal way to deal with it in my view. I may have been a little cross.

But sister is now demanding an apology. BIL was sat sort of to the side reading a magazine and snitched. Didn’t say anything at the time. Errr how how about you parent your child mate.

But apparently I was very overboard. I don’t think I was. I refuse to apologise on principal. Dog took it in his stride but you can’t be allowing shit
like that to happen.

In my mind sister can do one but parents have literally begged me as apparently she won’t visit whilst I am home 😂

So this kid is just over 2 and a half. No, he obviously can't understand your sentence. Kids that age have no idea what "how would you feel xyz?" means. They don't have theory of mind.

A child that age - you say "no, we don't hurt animals", take the item away and distract the kid with something else. You don't grab at them or shout at them. That's shit parenting. I wouldn't be letting you near my toddler either

(for reference - parent of 4 kids age 1.5 - 10, 2 dogs and 3 cats. This is how I manage them with the animals. No animal has ever got hurt, nor snapped/swiped at the kids)

I don't have a husband. However, if anyone said to me on me punching them in the face "How would you like that if I did that to you?", I'd not really hold it against them on account of I had just punched them in the face.

However, it's more something you say to someone who has done something and needs to think about how it affects the person they did it to. It would be more patronising than threatening for one adult to say to another as it implies they need teaching, like a child. It's reasonable to assume that most adults know that people don't like being punched in the face.

I've seen an elderly calm dog nip an unsupervised kid who did something stupid to the dog. (Kid bit the dog's tail just randomly)

Your nephew was lucky not to have been bitten!

Ok, maybe it wasn't the best phrasing, but not the worst. If bil a ds don't like it they should parent their own kid.

Ok "hun" 🤔

The incident leading up to it isn't relevant. You know the person is threatening you. But yes, if you had hit him in the face and he replied with that, you'd know he was threatening you. But obviously you'd deserve that response in the second scenario as you're an adult with understanding of why they don't hit people first maybe. I was trying to use two scenarios where the person hasn't really done anything wrong forst. Sorry you struggled to understand that.

I would definitely grab my niece’s arm if she was hitting my dog 🤷‍♀️ but then my sister and BIL would be there first so I wouldn’t need to! Toddlers don’t get a free pass to hit animals, they do need to know in no uncertain terms that that is wrong. The way you spoke to your nephew wasn’t kind but I think you can see that and would handle it differently next time. I think if you acknowledge that to your sister then you can find a way to move forward.

Was the toddler beside himself in tears because of your scolding?
Is that why they want an apology?

I agree he needs to be taught how to behave around the dog and his behaviour was far from ideal.

Everything else aside, your parents have begged you to apologise for family harmony as they are concerned your sister will follow through on her threat not to visit whilst you are there. As you currently live in your parents’ home, I think you need to apologise for their sake.

Sounds like it's time to apologise OP, and try to use caring hands next time. And move out of your parents also, it's weird and I'm "down south".

On the bright side, nearly 60% of voters think the OP was not being unreasonable.

This was my thought as well.

Yes I have to say, if someone said this specifically to my 2 year old, in an angry manner, whilst physically holding onto them, I wouldn’t be overly impressed. He is very young and his understanding isn’t at a level you are under the impression it should be (nor is he ‘nearly’ three, if we’re being picky!) so handling these situations can be tricky.
That’s not to say you’re entirely in the wrong, as ultimately you aren’t a parent, clearly aren’t all that fond of children overall (although I am sure you love your nephew) and the toddler should’ve been closer supervised and you weren’t wrong to hold his arm, although it obviously came across differently to BIL. Nephew also should’ve been told clearly why it was wrong, no doubt about that.
If he thought you were hurting or being nasty and upsetting his child though, you’d rather think he’d intervene 🤔
I personally don’t think it’s worth an apology but I probably would give a weak ‘sorry you felt I handled it wrong’ apology for the sake of family harmony given you live in your parents home and the situation will upset them if allowed to continue.

I wouldn't apologise. You didn't do anything wrong. If Lucy nipped your nephew that would be a bigger issue. Kids need to learn how to interact with animals. You used to many words for a 3 year old. You should have said kind hands with Lucy and showed him how to stroke gently. But. It's not your kid and if they don't want you to get involved they need to parent their own child.

Of course the incident leading up is relevant as the point of saying it is to make them think about the incident, and how it affected the other person. My god you are out of kilter on this. The whole fucking point is the person has done something wrong, and you are making them think about the thing that they did.

The child hasn't got the initial understanding of what they did wrong, but can still perceive threat though. They don't 100% understand other's pain, especially animals. But they understand that a loved aunt is threatening them.

OP I will almost guarantee from your posts that this is not the only problem your sister has with you.

Im accused of being too harsh, too cold, too focused, too impatient, too this and too that. I get told I love my dogs more than I love my nieces and nephews.

It’s like not wanting or having children means you cannot possibly be a nice person or even vaguely understand what is acceptable behavior from children or not … because… ‘you’re not a mother’!

You did nothing wrong.

Taking hold of a child's arm to stop them hitting a dog is not yanking. BIL has painted that in the worst light to his wife to deflect from his lazy arse not intervening when his child was messing about.

Asking a child how they would feel being hit in the face is not a threat. It is encouraging them to think about how what they do impacts others and whether they would like it if it happened to them. Interpreting it as a large person about to punch a child is also putting the worst possible spin on it.

I find myself wondering if there is something else going on in this scenario for the sister to be running to her parents to intervene, instead of just talking to OP herself. Why has such a drama been created out of what seems like a fairly normal disciplining of a child? Why has BIL gone out of his way to make OP sound so dreadful?

She didn't threaten him. She pointed out that if he was hit, he wouldn't like it so we mustn't hit others.

OP I'd have done the same, I'd grab their arm too to stop them hitting and I have 4 kids. None of which have been traumatised by having their hand restrained.

It's not a bad thing for them to see that we are cross. At that age, they may not understand the reasoning but they can understand that mummy is cross.

The issue here is the kid is really small. She wasn’t telling off a 5 year old that was just being a little shit.

He didn’t even react. He was about to kick off cause he wanted the coaster back but then I said let’s go see [his name for his grandpa] and luckily that worked

you don’t know appropriate age/stage interventions.

The same could be said of the lazy arse father who sat there watching and did nothing. What was OP supposed to do, wait until the dog retaliated ?

If your back in your parents house to save, it is a big change for parents when an adult DC returns.

Now there is a rift between you, DGS, overflowing.

For your own sake, put your head down, save, move out, otherwise if you continue to have arguments with your Dsis, or carry on this drama, your parents will regret inviting you back to save, keep the peace until you have enough saved.

This is unfair on your parents, adult child squabbling like teenagers while living at home.

You're lightening each post too, downplaying your initial reaction.tut tut.

The other person is two in this scenario. I'm not the out of kilter one here. I can only assume you don't have children or are @genuinely crap at parenting.

She could have been less kind, too. Sister pearl clutching and throwing her weight around because her baby was disciplined does not bode well for the family dynamic. Last thing I’d be doing as the grandma is begging for apologies. Sounds like sister is hideously entitled.

I am grown up thank you

BIL should be looking after his son
Then it wouldn’t have been a problem

But the OP has also said she takes her nephew out for days out.
So actually it sounds like the sister is all too happy for free childcare but isn't happy that someone else has spoken to the child about how she speaks to the dog.
Sister sounds like one of these ones who nobody can do right for wrong with the child but will then start asking 'wheres my village' when nobody can be bothered with the drama anymore.