Sister angry I “yanked” my nephew’s arm and told him off

[Mmemm]

So I live with my parents (saving up for flat in London). My sister often visits with her child and husband.

We have a gorgeous 12 yo Golden Retriever who is enjoying his golden years sunbathing on the sofa. Anyway, I was in the living room on my phone when I saw my little toddler nephew go up to my dog on the sofa and hit him on the head with a coaster. Obviously it’s not heavy but I reacted as I am protective of my elderly dog, poor boy was dozing. I ran up to my nephew and held him by arm and said “we do not throw things at ‘Lucky’, how would you like it if I hit you in the face? That was very mean of you”. I took the coaster away from him and said if he can’t use it nicely then he can’t have it. Not a big deal. Pretty normal way to deal with it in my view. I may have been a little cross.

But sister is now demanding an apology. BIL was sat sort of to the side reading a magazine and snitched. Didn’t say anything at the time. Errr how how about you parent your child mate.

But apparently I was very overboard. I don’t think I was. I refuse to apologise on principal. Dog took it in his stride but you can’t be allowing shit
like that to happen.

In my mind sister can do one but parents have literally begged me as apparently she won’t visit whilst I am home 😂

Your BIL sounds like a lazy, trouble making, twat.

So 2 then?

I'd say you were reasonable, especially as his dad was literally in the room not doing anything.

Although, it also depends on stuff like how rough you ""took him by the arm" (not suggesting anything sinister, but in the moment, did you panic and Yank, for example) was your tone matter of fact/level/firm or were you shouting/angry etc?

Your sister wasn’t even there. Do,you think she’s envisaging it being worse than it was? There’s a difference between holding a toddler by the arm and yanking. I would just repeatedly say to her that you didn’t yank your nephew.

i don’t think you did anything wrong by stopping him. His dad sounds useless.

Even if you were “overboard” so what? Wasn’t done out of nastiness , was done with good intentions. Ultimately people “parent” differently, one persons “overboard” is another persons firm hand. If she doesn’t want other people stepping in she needs to make sure either she or her partner are parenting more effectively so you don’t have to!

could you give some sort of half apology? So don’t apologise for what you did because I can see why you don’t think you should. But a “sorry if you think I was too firm, but I was trying to protect the dog and acted instinctively “.

I was hungover on the sofa and had not been told to watch my nephew. His actual parent was in the room. Not my job. But obviously I keep an eye out for my nephew if he is near me. I have no problem looking after him when asked but his father should be the one parenting. Just cause I’m a woman doesn’t mean I’m the default .

Depends on the age of the child as to what their level of understanding is, and it was obviously necessary to stop the toddler- keeping the interaction between the toddler and dog safe is a very important boundary for both of their safety- but I would have worded it a bit more gently. Especially if 2 or younger, they would understand more if you said what to do, rather than not to. So "You need to pat Lucky gently, soft hands" and model it. Things like "how would you like it if I hit you in the face, that was very mean of you" are not a very helpful way to communicate with a toddler.

He understands don't hit. But won't be able to understand the way you spoke to him.

Next time, get down on his level, say "we don't hit" and remove the coaster.

You don’t yank and threaten 3yo with violence either. It’s not ok for adults to do this.

I didn’t like seeing my elderly dog whacked in the face whilst sleeping

And they didn’t like the threat you gave your tiny nephew about hitting him in the face. I mean, that is not the kind of wording you use to a young child at all.
Like a pp, I wouldn’t leave you unsupervised around my young child.

And an angry threat is very different to kind and well meaning words.

Well I bet he won’t do it again. He wasnt hurt, and for everyone upset about her “threatening” him (she didn’t) if he doesn’t understand “don’t hit the dog” how the fuck do you think he’s going to extrapolate “I’m going to hit you” out of what she said?

he either understands or he doesn’t.

That child is 2.5
My dd is bright and well behaved at 2.5 didnt know things like that were wrong and def did things like that all the time.

She also tipped things upside down to see what would happen.
Pulled the bath plug to see what would happen
Tipped dried pasta onto the floor to see what would happen

Your bil does sound like a lazy arse though.

Im glad you added a vote so you can concretely see whether yabu vs yanbu - vote is split currently!

What age is your nephew? I imagine 2-3 from your post.
You overreacted IMO, it seems it was just a little tap/playing with the dog and not a voluntary repeated behaviour to hurt the dog. Yes he absolutely needed to be stopped, but the grabbing and shouting was unnecessary. And useless as he's unlikely to have understood what happened if you didn't explained it better.

If the dog was particularly upset/hurt, or the child had been told many times not to do this, it would have been different.

Your sister is also overreacting though.

I’m not a parent. I don’t want children. His dad should have stepped up and done the teaching. He didn’t do anything.

You block the child's arm from reaching to do it again and firmly but gently remove the offending object from their hand. You DO NOT grab and hold the toddler's arm forcefully. You were overly aggressive. You essentially threatened to hit the child in the face, as far as a two year old's level of understanding goes.

Why the dad did nothing I don't know. Did he suspect you would go demanding justice from your parents if he'd stood up so he kept his mouth shut to avoid you making family drama. I have to say, you're giving me major Golden Child vibes.

Haha I’m the back sheep

But also I’m assuming the OP isn’t a parent. So maybe isn’t yet (especially in the heat of the moment) tuned into the best way of speaking to toddlers. I do agree that saying “that’s not kind, etc” would have been better placed. But I also think it’s a stretch to say she threatened to hit the kid. But I can also get that a nearly 3yo may interpret “how would you like it if I hit you” as a threat.

so yes, if I was the mum I might be a bit unhappy but I’d assume my sister had the best intentions and have a calm non accusatory conversation with her.

A sleeping dog should be left alone, whether the kid has “gentle hands” or not

@Mmemm I've just read your updates... So you were hungover, angry and "took him by the arm" and instead of leaving it at stopping him and saying we don't hit and taking the coaster (reasonable) you basically threatened him (he's 2 FFS) because that's how a 2 year old (because he is still 2 btw, you seem to be not understanding this part??) will hear "how would you like it if I hit you in the face" - also, no this is not a normal/reasonable way to talk to a young child, especially if you were angry.

Children that age don't learn by being grabbed and shouted at .. yabu and should apologise

You do realise he wouldn't have meant to be nasty to the dog?

Oh goodness some of these replies are just ridiculous. She didn't threaten him, she asked him how it would feel so that he could see from the dog's point of view that it isn't nice to hit. She also didn't 'yank', she stopped him from repeating the action. Simple, swift and sensible. If he'd done it repeatedly the dog could have snapped. The problem here is lack of proper parent supervision around a dog.

I did not yank his arm!

I probably would have reacted the same as you pulling his arm, but out of protection of the toddler, rather than being cross with him. An asleep, elderly dog, no matter how docile, being startled with a smack to the head can be unpredictable. It's not 'aggression' but a reaction. Dogs can get pain we don't even know about, hell maybe they even have a headache one day and their fuse is just ... short sometimes. It happens.

IDK why you can't just apologise and say it was reactionary because BIL wasn't keeping an eye. You don't have kids (neither do I), so it'll blow over unless you have form for being one of those awful preachy non-parents who think they know it all (spoiler: you haven't a clue).

Elderly dogs woken suddenly from a nap are likely to snap in confusion and self defence (and possibly because they've been unintentionally hurt). If the child isn't really mobile then they may be bitten. If kid got a fright from OPs response that's much better then catching a snap from the dog. If it's part of the daily, "no schnookums we don't hit," it's not going to stick - kids keep hitting. That's not safe with a dog. A momentary shock that is remembered is a better result IMO. It's the same as when kids hurt themselves eg burn from a hot drink - that sticks way more than "it's hot don't touch". They keep touching until there's a consequence.

To all the precious parents who don’t think their little darlings should be spoken to harshly, if the dog had retaliated and snapped at the child you would no doubt be calling for it to be destroyed because it was “dangerous” and “bit a child.”

And this is the thing. The majority of dogs who end up biting children do so because they’ve been provoked. Because so many children don’t treat animals properly and the majority of those children’s parents fail to supervise them properly, or think that it’s cute that the child crawls all over the dog or pulls its ears or tail, and then it’s the dog which pays the price for the parents’ stupidity.

Children need to be brought up to treat animals with respect from day1, and it needs to be done. Harshly if necessary because it only takes one wrong move for everything to go wrong.

These are animals, not toys, and the possibility for retaliation is real.

Better that the OP tell the child off than the dog turn and bite him.