Sister angry I “yanked” my nephew’s arm and told him off

[Mmemm]

So I live with my parents (saving up for flat in London). My sister often visits with her child and husband.

We have a gorgeous 12 yo Golden Retriever who is enjoying his golden years sunbathing on the sofa. Anyway, I was in the living room on my phone when I saw my little toddler nephew go up to my dog on the sofa and hit him on the head with a coaster. Obviously it’s not heavy but I reacted as I am protective of my elderly dog, poor boy was dozing. I ran up to my nephew and held him by arm and said “we do not throw things at ‘Lucky’, how would you like it if I hit you in the face? That was very mean of you”. I took the coaster away from him and said if he can’t use it nicely then he can’t have it. Not a big deal. Pretty normal way to deal with it in my view. I may have been a little cross.

But sister is now demanding an apology. BIL was sat sort of to the side reading a magazine and snitched. Didn’t say anything at the time. Errr how how about you parent your child mate.

But apparently I was very overboard. I don’t think I was. I refuse to apologise on principal. Dog took it in his stride but you can’t be allowing shit
like that to happen.

In my mind sister can do one but parents have literally begged me as apparently she won’t visit whilst I am home 😂

I am a parent. I have a sister. She had DC years before me. She was really protective of her children when they were little and would never have left them unattended around a dog (but her husband wouldn't have either).

You kept the child safe. You kept the dog safe.

You did the right thing. Of course they are cross. They look bad...

Why?

Maybe that point should be addressed to the child's actual parent.
Yep, the dog owner, and the parents should have been shouting at too, as none seems to be monitoring the situation.
If OP is comfortable enough asking DN if he would like to be hit in the face too, she is close enough to notice he has an object and stop him with quick stern words.

2 years and 8 months is 2.

OP, don't do this spineless, pathetic thing.

I would probably offer a half-hearted apology to your sister for the sake of keeping the peace whilst living in the family home. Say honestly that you got a fright and reacted instantly from a place of care because you were concerned about your nephew being bitten. Unfortunately you are probably not going to win on the arm-yanking front - your sister will believe whatever lazy arse husband told her.

And then fuck off all the babysitting etc. I can't abide parents who won't actually parent their own kids and then take the arse when someone else has to step in - especially in a stressful situation - because they don't like their technique or way or handling the situation. Well, if father had done his actual job, there would have been no need for you to intervene.

If you really didn’t yank his arm and really weren’t in any way aggressive in your handling of the child, then your cross words, if they were spoken, not shouted, may well have gone home to prevent the child repeating the dangerous activity of provoking a sleeping dog.
Young children who are used to hearing and often half ignoring their parents words, often sit up and take notice of somebody else telling them off. It may be that the child was too young to understand some of your words but he probably got the message and will soon come to understand them.
So if what you say is the truth then ….you simply told him off quite sternly and with authority to do the job effectively as a non parent.

Therefore, I say YANBU.

In fact, it could be said you did everybody a favour in guiding the child, protecting the dog and saving BIL having to exert himself to parent his own child. And it’s the BIL who should be apologising for not addressing his displeasure with you, right there and then instead of running off to his wife to tell his tale. By the time the tale had come full circle and was re-presented back to you again, it had been open to embellishment by BIL as well as your sister and no longer reflected the truth.

I would calmly talk it through with them for sure, highlighting the facts you think are important in the incident.
If they want you to apologise for telling your nephew off effectively at a dangerous moment when his father did nothing to act, then although you aren’t sorry, ok, you won’t tell him off again, so BIL had better up his parenting skills instead.

"how would you like it if I" is a threat. It literally is. Even if you didn't mean it that way.

"Would you like it if Lucky hit you with a coaster" or "how would you like it if one of your friends hit you with a coaster would have been different "

Or more factually "dogs bite when you hit them".

Your nephew, that you love may have heard it as a threat. Just keep that in mind. The arm thing seems to me a non issue.

So with your first sentence in mind, will you be having a less defensive conversation with your sister saying you can now see you approached it too harshly but explaining you were worried about the dog?

Your opening post seems to balk at the idea that you may be even slightly in the wrong but I hope you can now see why your sister is upset

I wouldn’t want my child to be hitting anyone.

If they do and someone gets angry …. 🤷‍♀️

If I'm being pedantic perhaps "how would you like it if someone hit you in the face?" would have been better. I get that in the moment when you see something unsafe you just have to get up and act and that sort of thinking comes after.

How’s your relationships with your family?

You reacted in a shitty way, I wouldn’t want you around my child either. You need to grow up and learn to admit when you are wrong.

*”How would you like it if I hit you in the face “ was the exact thing a friend of mine said to a service user in a care home who was having an episode and smacked her….. and she was sacked for gross misconduct. It’s a threat and I would be v v angry if somebody said that to me. You can’t expect a toddler to understand this. So THIS, I would apologise for but not for stepping in.”

Yes this. It may not be intended as a threat , but how is the receiver supposed to know that? Especially in the context of a significant power differential of course it is going to be experienced as potentially threatening. Hence your friend getting the sack.

No it isn't. Even if you think it is. It literally isn't.

Yes the father was useless in this situation I 100% agree with that, but she should have called him immediately and not taken over. Even when I was childless I would know not to speak to a small toddler in that way though, that’s on the OP.

Nobody got sacked for saying that.

Even if you didn’t yank your nephew’s arm, I think you spoke to him quite harshly. I understand that you were annoyed because he hit the dog, but what you said was inappropriate because it sounded like a threat. I think the dad is an absolute waste of space for letting the whole scenario unravel in front of him and just sitting there like a plank.

You asked and people are saying you went too far and now you are trying to deflect - if he had of hit you in the face this comment would have made sense “ how would you like it if I hit you in the face?” … but he hit the dog not you so it sounds like a threat ie it’s a possibility that me as an adult could theoretically hit you in the face

you don’t want to accept this though when you have your parents, your sister and most of this thread saying you went too far - good luck with staying at your parents to save money !

The OP uses the word ‘yank’ in the title?

Not everyone has said I went too far

OP is rubbish at ages. Her beloved dog has suddenly aged 2 years during the course of this thread. Perhaps her nephew is only 1.

A man comes up to you and asks "how would you like it if I hit you in the face" over a parking incident.

Now you tell me why you're ok with it.

It literally is though. It may not have been intended as a threat (because OP had no intention of doing it) , but to the receiver it is threatening- especially in the context of a relationship with a significant power differential, because the receiver doesn’t know the OP’s intentions- they simply hear the suggestion that they might hit them in the face.

The question, though, isn't "is there any way in which the handling of this situation could have been improved". I'm sure it could. It is was the way she acted unreasonable.