Sister angry I “yanked” my nephew’s arm and told him off

[Mmemm]

So I live with my parents (saving up for flat in London). My sister often visits with her child and husband.

We have a gorgeous 12 yo Golden Retriever who is enjoying his golden years sunbathing on the sofa. Anyway, I was in the living room on my phone when I saw my little toddler nephew go up to my dog on the sofa and hit him on the head with a coaster. Obviously it’s not heavy but I reacted as I am protective of my elderly dog, poor boy was dozing. I ran up to my nephew and held him by arm and said “we do not throw things at ‘Lucky’, how would you like it if I hit you in the face? That was very mean of you”. I took the coaster away from him and said if he can’t use it nicely then he can’t have it. Not a big deal. Pretty normal way to deal with it in my view. I may have been a little cross.

But sister is now demanding an apology. BIL was sat sort of to the side reading a magazine and snitched. Didn’t say anything at the time. Errr how how about you parent your child mate.

But apparently I was very overboard. I don’t think I was. I refuse to apologise on principal. Dog took it in his stride but you can’t be allowing shit
like that to happen.

In my mind sister can do one but parents have literally begged me as apparently she won’t visit whilst I am home 😂

You’ve lost my sympathy here, OP. 2 is not different from at almost 3 year old, it’s literally the same.

But that's not the way you said it - you were hungover and grumpy and you took it out on a 2 year old. Why couldn't you stay festering in your parents' spare room and let your parents spend time with their other child and grandchild?

Ok you need to stay while you save up so apologise

I'm sorry I stopped your child from being bitten

I'm sorry your husband doesn't parent his own child

I'm sorry I'm not super nanny

Tbh you clearly don't know how to parent a child and that is OK because your not actually this child's parent

Exactly this.
Children need to be taught how to behave around animals, and if they're too young, or don't understand they need to be supervised really closely. For their own sake as well as the animals.
If a child did this to my dog she would probably snap at them.
I think you should have dealt with it more gently, but it should never have happened in the first place because the parents should have been watching. And if his dad was sitting there, why didn't he step in?
There's fault on both sides, but you only reacted because the parents didn't, so I don't think they can really complain.

Got to say I agree with this and I’m not one for all this gentle parenting crap.

“How would you like it if I hit you in the face “ was the exact thing a friend of mine said to a service user in a care home who was having an episode and smacked her….. and she was sacked for gross misconduct. It’s a threat and I would be v v angry if somebody said that to me. You can’t expect a toddler to understand this. So THIS, I would apologise for but not for stepping in.

If you were watching closely then you could have prevented it from happening.

Maybe that point should be addressed to the child's actual parent.

Nephew.

No doubt that you should have stepped in but your words were totally inappropriate for a small child.

I hope threatening a two year old made you feel big and strong, OP 👍

On the fence about this one.
If it would have been my kid I def would have taken him by the arm and angrily said "NO! We don't hit the dog" and taken the toy away.
Not my child: would have done the same but firmly, not angrily. Because my kids aren't afraid of me but another kid might be so I would be very firm but calmer.

What I wouldn't have done is talking about hitting him but you are younger and sound a bit immature and the hangover probably didn't make you more patient😅.

What you need to understand though is that you and your sister both went into protective mode; you about the dog, her about the toddler. If you can see this maybe you can acknowledge that you shouldn't have said the thing about hitting him and apologise for that only.

I can see how that has come across quite uncaring to my nephew. Who for the record I adore.

It’s more that I’ve never seen my dog show the slightest hint of aggression. I didn’t think it likely he would bite in that moment (never say never). So I was more concerned about seeing a 14 yo, white faced dog with arthritis being physically harmed. Of course I don’t want my nephew to be bitten but the way we have set up boundaries with my dog means that‘a sort of naturally mitigated (if people follow the rules). Ie nephew isn’t allowed in dog’s quiet space plus all the other rules we have (the study).

That's not how the law would see it.

You do sound like a bit of a dick OP.

Yes but he’s 2 and a half, not 6 or 7 so he wouldn’t have understood that.

Jealous? lol what

sorry that was directed at Blueskybluesky1 who you quoted

”Although you say you dont want children you're coming across in your responses as maybe jealous of the attention your family places on your niece”

Jealous of a toddler??

I have a 3.5 year old and I’d be furious if someone said to my child “how would you like it if I hit you in the face” and “that was very mean of you.”

FFS !! The childs’ father was in the room and did nothing. How is the child supposed to learn if no-one chastises him when he does wrong ? Would you rather the lesson he learned was that if you hit a dog on the head it bites you ?

She was sacked for gross misconduct for saying "How would you like it if I hit you in the face"?

I simply don't believe that. I don't say you weren't told it, but I don't believe it.

It isn't a threat. Not in any shape or form.

That is totally uncalled for. At no point did she indicate she wanted to do this. She clearly reacted. Your post is a bit sick - you are projecting something that is clearly not there

Again, it's not up to childless people to know what 2 year olds do and do not understand just in case they start hitting animals when their father is in the room and he does nothing to stop them.

I think that both you and BIL are at fault here. You need to start valuing your nephew as much as your dog, if you want to be around him. BIL needs to step up.

I don’t even particularly like toddlers as I find it by far the most annoying stage but even going by your follow up replies you sound a bit of a dick, to be honest.

You can always mention that someone should have been watching the kid as you apologise for going overboard.

I think being hungover on the sofa was a bad choice when a toddler was visiting. I would have taken my hangover upstairs! Toddlers bang things.

If you want to repair the relationship, rather than just double down, this is what I would do:

Hi Sister, I’m very sorry about what happened with Arlo and Woofkins at the weekend. I understand you are very upset because I did not handle the situation with the dog the way you would have wanted me to and I am probably not up to date with all the latest gentle parenting techniques etc. I would hate for you not to feel you can visit here with Arlo in future. I obviously overstepped so in future when you are here I won’t get involved in intervening and leave it to you and Ben. Love you lots and I hope you know how much I love Arlo.

I think this works because:

• it feels like an apology which is what she wants
• it reaffirms that you like her child which is what she wants to hear
• it says you will not do it again

But also:

• it neutrally says you are not up to date with the current parenting trends, not that you approve of them
• it subtly reminds her that she and her partner are responsible for her child when they visit

That's a rather roundabout way of saying he's 2.

And the preant could have parented their child
I would have done the same three dogs here two are oldies (one has arithis ) they have been sternly warned from day dot never ever disturb a dog when sleeping and eating. dogs are treated with respect and are not toys.