Sister angry I “yanked” my nephew’s arm and told him off

[Mmemm]

So I live with my parents (saving up for flat in London). My sister often visits with her child and husband.

We have a gorgeous 12 yo Golden Retriever who is enjoying his golden years sunbathing on the sofa. Anyway, I was in the living room on my phone when I saw my little toddler nephew go up to my dog on the sofa and hit him on the head with a coaster. Obviously it’s not heavy but I reacted as I am protective of my elderly dog, poor boy was dozing. I ran up to my nephew and held him by arm and said “we do not throw things at ‘Lucky’, how would you like it if I hit you in the face? That was very mean of you”. I took the coaster away from him and said if he can’t use it nicely then he can’t have it. Not a big deal. Pretty normal way to deal with it in my view. I may have been a little cross.

But sister is now demanding an apology. BIL was sat sort of to the side reading a magazine and snitched. Didn’t say anything at the time. Errr how how about you parent your child mate.

But apparently I was very overboard. I don’t think I was. I refuse to apologise on principal. Dog took it in his stride but you can’t be allowing shit
like that to happen.

In my mind sister can do one but parents have literally begged me as apparently she won’t visit whilst I am home 😂

I write this as a parent of a boisterous 3 year old who also has a large Labrador.

Its not a case of black and white/either or that you seem to be suggesting.

All of the below can be true
-BIL should have parented his child and stepped in
-You were right to step in and remove the coaster
-your words were over the top and inappropriate for a 2.5 year old

It sounds like a conversation with your sister is worth having and I believe most posters agree you overstepped, but also that BIL should have said something

Children absolutely need to be taught how to behave around dogs and equally dogs need protecting from young children as the consequences can be terrible but simply removing the object and telling him calmly that it’s not kind to hit would have been enough

I am genuinely surprised at some of the responses. If a child hits a dog, they risk getting attacked/bitten. They need to know not to do that (as well as the need to treat animals kindly).

You probably could’ve worded it better, but you removed the danger to both of them.

Ok, so what about your parents? They are doing you a favour letting you and your dog live there and you are making it hard for them to see their grandchild, when they have expressly made it clear that they want you to sort things out.

I agree with others, you should either apologise (even if only for their sake) or move out if you genuinely can’t bring yourself to.

I wouldn’t want you around my toddler with your attitude and quick temper

This thread is demonstrating to me why there is so much shit behaviour in primary schools. The kid hit a sleeping dog with a coaster. That would be a very firm telling off from me not any of this bollocks about gentle hands and being kind. Small children need to know boundaries and that hitting is totally wrong and unacceptable. Then if you layer on the fact that the dog might have reacted and bitten.

1. As upset as you were about your dog, your sister will be more upset. This is her baby, she game birth to. You were inappropriate.

1. You should not have had to speak to the child, because dad should have done something.

1. Two years and 8 months is not "almost three". There's a lot of growing up time, and 4 months is a big percentage of his life.

I would apologize because you spoke in a horrible way about a baby and you've upset your sister, but I would be very clear that the reason you got involved in the first place was because her husband was a lazy twat. Explain that you were worried, and you're sorry for over reacting but the husband should never have allowed the baby to hit the dog, and you were trying to explain to the baby so that he doesn't get bitten in the future. I'd also tell your BIL to start parenting his own kid and not try and spoil your relationship with your sister.

To be fair I do think a good fake apology can be useful when needed. I'd be open to doing one if I felt it would make my life easier.

Look, it doesn’t really matter who’s right or wrong. OP lives in her parents house, for their sake a half apology would smooth this over. OP intends to move out sooner or later. This isn’t worth falling out over. If the sister were posting I would say the same to her and tell her it’s up to her and her husband to watch their child but it’s OP who’s asking for advice so I suggest apologising.

I think everyone is being unreasonable here apart from the poor dog!

It’s the family dog.

Demanding an apology is such weird behaviour imo

you overreacted, and could have told the nephew in a nicer way. You clearly love your dog a lot, and your relatives (including the nephew) not much, so why were they even there?

shy was nobody (dad) paying attention to the small child?

weird family dynamic all around

These sort of replies are batshit.

Op potentially prevented a dog bite.

A telling off and being physically stopped caused no harm to this child. When I was small we would have been chastised with a smack for this- I’d still prefer someone do that in panic than allow a dog bite.

The parents should have been far more vigilant of their toddler around a sleeping dog. I have 4 dogs and have never had a dog who exhibited any sort of aggressive behaviour whatsoever but I would never trust them around small children or babies.

Did your sister apologise to your parents for her child whacking the mutt, @Mmemm ?

It's in her interests to make sure the situation doesn't repeat as next time Old Faithful may not be quite so relaxed at being woken by a smack around the head with a coaster. Of course, that would probably involve the father having to get up off his arse and react to something his child is doing, so who knows?

I would apologise and say that I’m sorry you (to sister) have such a useless husband that he would sit by and watch his child hitting the dog with a coaster. I know you used the word ‘yank’ but I think all you really did was move his arm away from the dog, as I am sure 99.9% of normal people would do. If he’d done that to a person, he would have been told not to (hopefully) so it’s only right that he’s told not to hit a dog.

Perhaps suggest next time that they supervise their child when they’re around animals and that he’s taught that hitting is wrong. I would also say that it’s fine that they don’t visit for now - they have time to teach him right and wrong! And yes, I know he’s only little, but the whole problem at the moment is that parents are not parenting their children - they go to school and think that hitting is normal! (Sorry - a bit off topic!).

You did the right thing as it's important for kids not to hit dogs
I note that you say you didn't want the dog hurt rather than protecting the child and you were hungover so you probably were a bit harsh.

Yep. The kids you see chasing poor pigeons and ducks around are clearly the products of half of mumsnet.

Well it sounds like the relationship is generally good and when your sister calms down this will likely blow over. To help it along, I would say to her that you were worried for your nephews safety as well as the dog.
Sister will be cutting off her own nose to spite her face, if she stops visiting her own parents because you are at home and won't apologise. She might have backed herself into a corner there, so in your shoes I'd help her out of it by reiterating that you were as worried for the child, if only for your parents sake. To me, that's a compromise, you aren't apologising but you are also letting your sister know that you care about your nephew.

I don't think I could allow bil's part in this to go unchecked and I'd have to say to her that, you are not a child expert who knows all the right things to say on the heat of the moment - you did your best to protect both dog and nephew but it shouldn't have been on you to manage this situation in the first place. If bil takes issue in how you behaved then he needs to be actively looking after his own child.
I think your sister knows this deep down and is deflecting some of her anger at her dh into you. It's easier to be mad at you than at him.

Why would you be annoyed at the language? Genuinely curious because I also have a 3.5 year old and I don’t think it’s that bad!

I wouldn’t say “that was very mean of you” to a child, but you can’t expect someone who doesn’t have kids to be up to date with all the latest parenting guidance.

‘Kind’ is a word we hear all too often - usually in sickly sweet slogans. “In a world where you can be anything, be kind”.
It’s one which has been weaponised and now means shut up, don’t complain, put up with it and so on.
Instead of ‘use kind words’, why not ‘use honest words’. Hitting an animal, especially one with the potential to cause serious harm to humans, is something that needs to be addressed in a manner which mirrors the seriousness of the action. ‘Gently’ speaking to a toddler with ‘kind words’ who has hit an animal with an object is a waste of time. Those of you saying this toddler is too young to understand so shouldn’t be shouted at are contradicting themselves. The whole point is, they should be spoken to in a way where they will associate those words with their wrong actions - so, “No DC, do NOT hit the dog, it might bite you!” in a raised voice will have more of an impact. They will remember that they were told off last time they tried to hit the dog so will be less likely to do it again, thus staying safe.
The OP said it was her sister that used the work ‘yank’, that she didn’t, just moved his arm. It’s a shame the child’s father who was in the room at the time didn’t see fit to parent his child - that’s much more concerning in this scenario.

Actually I change my response as it is the family dog so why aren’t you calling her parents into question?

You don’t know OP. So you have no frame of reference to determine whether she is either of the things you have assumed. There is nothing in her posts to suggest either.

I also have an elderly golden retriever who likes to dose in the sun.

I think if your sister and BIL aren’t prepared to actively parent their child around dogs, that’s the biggest issue here because as good natured as the dog may be, being hit on the head whilst sleeping has the prospect of evoking a negative reaction.

I probably would have been slightly lighter in tone with my children at that age but I spent a LOT of time in teaching the children about our dogs to avoid these situations, at 2.5years old there is no fucking way they would be left to their own devices around them.

I think the balance of the issue here is on their tardy parenting and ultimately they cannot expect you to parent in their absence when you don’t have children because you are never going to get it right IMO.

You had no right to put up your hand on a toddler or threaten him.
He shouldn't have threw anything at the dog, as a toddler he is learning.
You are adult.
If you were watching closely then you could have prevented it from happening.

urm yeah, living with your parents. Although you say you dont want children you're coming across in your responses as maybe jealous of the attention your family places on your niece. Sounds like you're also a little resentful of your sister impeding on 'your' temporary home.
You clearly have no understanding of small children (so I find Mumsnet an interesting place to air your issue) and clearly do not love your niece.