DH and MIL blindsided me with weekend away - was I wrong to kick off

[BeccaBoo9]

I gave birth a few months ago (first time Mum) and have found it extremely challenging but rewarding too. It has strained mine and DH’s relationship slightly in terms of the sleepless nights but we expected that and no one has crossed the line in terms of comments.

There has been little to no intimacy since the birth mainly due to me, DH is still up for it but I’ve told him I need some time to build up my confidence again.

One thing I’ve always been clear on to DH is that I don’t feel ready to leave our DC with someone else overnight yet.

Last Saturday, his MIL turned up at ours out of the blue. She told me she’d booked DH and I a night away at a country hotel and that she’d look after our DC. She said it was only a 30 minute drive so we were still relatively close by.

I really didn’t want to go but felt awkward to decline and pressurised into going. We packed and set off, I told DH I felt uncomfortable and that if I didn’t feel up to staying after the meal, I’d want to go home without staying.

When we checked in, DH told me he had got me a present and had a bag behind his back. In this was a skimpy outfit and he said it was for me to wear that night. Now he knows that has never been my thing and the outfit in question was at least a size too small, there’s no way I’d have got in to it (irrelevant as I didn’t feel comfortable).

Anyway, we ended up coming home after the meal as I was a mess and my MIL looked extremely unimpressed when we turned up.

We’ve had several rows about it this week, I’ve really had a go at him for going behind my back and doing this. He called me an ungrateful cow earlier and stormed out so I don’t have a clue where he is now (the pub, probably)

FFS do not feel anything other than incredibly pissed at him and his mother.
you spent the last 9 months growing a human, then you pushed a watermelon out of your hoo ha. Tell him to go shit a bowling ball then we can chat about dress up and shoving stuff in the hole. Until then he needs to get fucked off until you want to have sex with him again - which after this would be the third week after never for me

Jeez. That is grim.
I once had a boyfriend whose mum kept making sex jokes about him and laughing about it. I ended it swiftly. How gross.

YANBU that’s just too much, I wouldn’t have wanted to leave my babies overnight when they were very young, that’s totally normal.

You don’t mention that you’re a loving and devoted husband/ partner in this comment @ThatDaringEagleand perhaps your post being such an outlier highlights why.
There is nothing ok about what @BeccaBoo9has mentioned and I’m shocked that you could support such coercive behaviour which totally bulldozers over her feelings.

Oh god I would have absoloutley hated that. I would probably have enjoyed it if I didn’t have a young baby, had been warned and had time to prepare (and shave)!

Also the raunchy outfit. 😭Clearly not a present and for his own pleasure . How would he have felt if you bought him a vibrator and disguised it as a present?

I would find it extremely disrespectful.

What a vile pig he is. And you bred with that thing (I know, you didn't know what a vile pos he would turn out to be, but). He probably FORCED his ex into it.

I'd tell him he is being an ungrateful prick and that most women aren't up for sex til around a year after birth. Watch his response to that. His mother should know better, having given birth himself. They are both the absolute scum. And I would be telling your H in no uncertain terms what a seflish and ungrateful pig he is being and he is looking at year til you feel up to it.

God that is so grim. Have you told him how blatantly obvious it is that he did all that solely so he could get sex? If so, how did he respond? He’s treating you like an object or some kind of of sex worker. I’d struggle to come back from this.

I never said that I supported "such coercive behaviour" as you are want to try to classify it. That's your construct, and yours alone!

I just suggested trying to see the whole episode from his pov, not to justify it but to better understand it, and to encourage the OP to try to do the same to help resolve the issue(s) it has created between them. I normally find seeing things from the other person's POV helps with resolving conflict, even if you still firmly believe the other person was wrong in what they did or tried to do or whatever...

Please do this.....maybe keep sent copy to his mother as well ....your body ...your choice xx and never allow anyone tell you when to leave your baby 👶

And he bought some sexy underwear as he probably thought it may help himself

That's exactly right ourdaringeagle.

You saw a postpartum mum write
"I’ve always been clear on to DH is that I don’t feel ready to leave our DC "

"I’ve told him I need some time"

"I told DH I felt uncomfortable "

"Now he knows that [wearing costumes for sex] has never been my thing and the outfit in question was at least a size too small"

You saw her write all that and you still don't think he was bulldozing through all her boundaries in order to get sex? Genuinely?

He then got angry and argued that his ex would've let him.

You need to have a think about your expectations of women.

You ignored all of those things in your post. I hope you don't do that in real life and you're just posting to make some sort of point.

She probably didn’t want to but he was pressuring her and she was only 20 years old….

He sounds so gross. 🤮

Sorry I've cocked up the voting with my stupid fingers,obvs I meant to vote for you,insane and icky plan from DH there.

His point of view is that she is a piece of meat only good for servicing his needs. He’s had no thought for whether she is ready to leave her baby or not, no thought to why she hasn’t been ready for sex, he’s just so blinded by his “need” for sex.

Since the baby was born a few months ago, he’s been badgering her for sex, he’s compared her to his 20 year old ex “she had sex with me straight away, why can’t you!” He buys her sexy underwear when she is 3-4 months postpartum and tries to cajole her into a night away she doesn’t want. What woman in the history of time would enjoy wearing sexy underwear when their body is still recovering and they are looking after a baby 24/7?

And even worse, he got his mummy on board to help pressure her, probably because she wanted the baby overnight “she wasn’t happy when we returned”

And you’re defending his “point of view”. Suggest you get a reality check and re-look at how you view the women in your life too.

This is the least sexy thing I’ve ever heard of. I don’t think I could go to bed with this man ever again without imagining him saying in a babyish voice “Muuuuumyyyy, I waant a shaaaaag??”

Copy and paste this response in a text to your husband. This sums it up and will help him understand why you aren’t impressed

YANBU it takes time post partum. Nor is he being unreasonable for wanting to spend time with you without the baby. Babies consume a lot of us.

I’d react the same way. You leave your baby on your terms when you feel comfortable to do so.

I think the thought behind it was with the right intention but misguided. Maybe thought you need a break and deserve it but wouldn’t ask etc so a ‘surprise’ would be a good way to do it. Can fully see how it felt like being ambushed and backed into a corner though which is exactly what I would think.

When your ready have an afternoon out with your partner and be home for bedtime, have the mil babysit at your house, gradually build up time away as you will never enjoy being forced into it.

''@delurked · Yesterday 20:50

Yuck. He wanted a shag so roped his mum in and emotionally pressured you into spending a night away from your young baby then presented you with an outfit to be worn for his pleasure and behaved like a dick when you decided you wanted to be home with your baby not performing sexual favours for him in a hotel. What a prick.''

This. His intention was entirely selfish and he tried to push your boundaries by ignoring you wishes to focus on being with your child and the fact you that you made it clear did not feel up to being intimate yet.

The whole thing is really grim.

I'm absolutely livid reading this. How dare they?! Your husband has done the opposite of what he should do - he should be trying to strengthen the connection between you and support you (eg take on more of the household tasks, handle some night time wakes). There is nothing less sexy than being pressured into a shag and the implication that he's complained about it to his mum - eww. You're absolutely right to be angry and I would be needing some recognition on his part that he did the wrong thing.

I hope this isn't real. I'd really be re thinking a lot about parenting with this man. Dh looked scared just imagining the possibility of doing something this stupid to me when I read it out to him. 😂

So he’s been discussing your sex life with his mum. I don’t think I coukd speak to either of them.

I think this is really horrible. Your dp is pushing your boundaries to get sex when you aren't ready.

I never said that I supported "such coercive behaviour"

You said he was trying to be thoughtful and considerate. And now you're saying you don't support this?

Make up your mind. I outlined all the things you and op's DH ignored in my previous post. In the spirit of seeing others' POV, would you care to address those?

They were both idiots. I don't agree with velcro parenting buf half an hours drive away is too much. And leaving a baby overnight except in an emergency is a big ask. They shouldn't have conspired together. And the skimpy outfit thing is beyond crass. I think I would consider ending the relationship.,

It sounds like they really mean well but a few months is very soon. It is totally natural to not want to be separated so long from baby. I’m sorry they don’t understand. But on he positive your man is trying to connect with you in the best way he knows how and his mom is trying to support you. So it’s actually not so bad. I would squeeze into the outfit and muster up some appreciation. Nobody has ever done something this sweet for me