DH and MIL blindsided me with weekend away - was I wrong to kick off

[BeccaBoo9]

I gave birth a few months ago (first time Mum) and have found it extremely challenging but rewarding too. It has strained mine and DH’s relationship slightly in terms of the sleepless nights but we expected that and no one has crossed the line in terms of comments.

There has been little to no intimacy since the birth mainly due to me, DH is still up for it but I’ve told him I need some time to build up my confidence again.

One thing I’ve always been clear on to DH is that I don’t feel ready to leave our DC with someone else overnight yet.

Last Saturday, his MIL turned up at ours out of the blue. She told me she’d booked DH and I a night away at a country hotel and that she’d look after our DC. She said it was only a 30 minute drive so we were still relatively close by.

I really didn’t want to go but felt awkward to decline and pressurised into going. We packed and set off, I told DH I felt uncomfortable and that if I didn’t feel up to staying after the meal, I’d want to go home without staying.

When we checked in, DH told me he had got me a present and had a bag behind his back. In this was a skimpy outfit and he said it was for me to wear that night. Now he knows that has never been my thing and the outfit in question was at least a size too small, there’s no way I’d have got in to it (irrelevant as I didn’t feel comfortable).

Anyway, we ended up coming home after the meal as I was a mess and my MIL looked extremely unimpressed when we turned up.

We’ve had several rows about it this week, I’ve really had a go at him for going behind my back and doing this. He called me an ungrateful cow earlier and stormed out so I don’t have a clue where he is now (the pub, probably)

Absolutely.

How about a night in a beautiful private hospital with free vasectomy?

My god, I’m so sorry.

We’ve had several rows about it this week
My suggestion would be to stop the rows, write it down instead. Succinctly address what the issues are (the fact you’ve already told him you’re not ready to either leave your child or have sex) and how a surprise like this wasn’t truly for your benefit, it was for his benefit. The fact that he needs to listen to you (you. are. not. ready.) and anything else you want to address. And how you think the two of you can move forward. To the point. Give it to him, paper/email/text whatever works for you. Anytime he brings it up, refer him to the message. Don’t have a row, it’s not good for your MH.

Ugh to comparing you to his previous partner too, is there any part of this he hasn’t fucked up?! Do you think you could call his mum, say you know she meant well, but you feel humiliated that your dh has complained to her about your sex life, he’s compared my recovery to Alicia’s, and he bought me skimpy underwear at least a size too small that I’m never ever getting into, so he’s out sulking now, probably at the pub, but if you’re talking to him about our sex life again, tell him men who buy women underwear they don’t want and doesn’t fit and compare them negatively to their previous partner may never have sex again. Thats probably all you need to say…

Alicia is just a made up name for his previous partner by the way

Please show the fucking idiots this thread. WTF were they thinking? This definitely wasn't for your benefit.

I hope you manage to work this out OP if that’s what you want, but honestly, I would find this so hard to forgive. The complete disregard for you as a person, treating you like some sex doll he can dress up and have his way with, pretending you haven’t just had a baby. Comparing you unfavourably to his ex (who I’m willing to bet wasn’t up for it straight after childbirth but just didn’t have as strong boundaries as you so went along with it and resented him for being so uncaring and who knows maybe that’s one of the reasons they broke up). He sounds awful OP, he values himself more than you. That’s not what love looks like in my experience. I hope you can experience it properly one day.

Oh my good fucking god.

Such fucking creepy vibes. I don't know if I am the only one but I'm really worried about what would have happened if you'd gone to the actual room. This is making me shudder. Did you go to the room? Did he put up any resistance to leaving at the time. I don't like this at all.

I don't know how I'd ever forgive my DH if he did such a thing. I would have kicked him out instantly. If you haven't, you're a more forgiving person than I could ever be. MIL would never even see my child again if I could help it and I'd not speak to her again either.

Basically, I'd go full scorched earth.

To be pressing you for sex before your body has time to heal and when you've told him no already. No, actually, to be PRESSURISING you for sex...full fucking stop.
Just how soon after you gave birth did he start that. Oh, yuk.

Sorry, too much swearing but I am so angry for you.

Fucking hell, there's another one. 🤢🤮🤬

Trying to manipulate op by comparing his ex after birth, so gross. He sounds emotionally abusive tbh

It's just so gross, he got his mother involved too

🤯

Don’t even tell him. Tell him you have a special surprise for him and he’ll find out when you get there. Then just enjoy the screams while he gets waxed. What an idiot!

I didn’t like the sound of him from the OP but this makes it even worse. What a thoughtless, manipulative, shaming git he is.

Hit YABU by accident - I can’t take it back! Don’t lose your faith in humanity, some of us just have fat thumbs.

I can't begin to describe how revolting your DH and MIL are. I'd refuse to have sex with him ever again and I'd be telling MIL to keep her beak out of your marriage. Yuck x 1000.

The two of them were arseholes. Tell him to fuck off with his skimpy outfit and self centred behaviour. Gross.

I'm a guy & a proud & loving father, and I consider some of the reactions to this post ridiculously over the top, tbh.

Firstly, from a guy's pof what did DH do?. He took the initiative to book a nice romantic night away, with his post natal partner, to get away from baby for 1 night. He arranged the child's grandmother to look after baby, which was considerate to all imho. And he bought some sexy underwear as he probably thought it may help himself & his OH to get back feeling sexy & help revive relations between them on their only night away for maybe the past 6-8 months!. And that's it!!

I think he was actually trying to be quite thoughtful & considerate tbh.

I fully accept that this may not have been what is OH wanted at this juncture, but all he was probably trying to do was to encourage her maybe to get to the next stage. Was that really all that terrible?....

So he was a little previous & possibly the underwear was a step too far, but so what?

OP you're fully entitled to react to that initiative by your OH whatever way you like, but fwiw I think you should chat to him and say while you really appreciated the gesture, and the organising it was all just a little too soon for you. AND then, leave it at that!!

P.s. some of the reactions here are so angry, over reactive and OTT as to be completely unhelpful & counterproductive imho.

E.g. Do not book something you know your OH world hate to make your point. That's just vindictive, self justifying, expensive, folly and will only damage your relationship going forward. It's probably suggested by posters on here who have either none, unhappy or very one sided relationships with their partners imho.

P.p.s try to think positively about this whole experience e.g. that months or years from now both of ye will be able to laugh at each other's thinking and reactions, and how what your OH thought you would like was just like a really awkward moment of couple misunderstanding for you...

I'd share this thought with him too, it might help him see the lighter side of all of this after going to all the bother of booking a night away, organising his mother to stay over & babysit , and probably building himself up for reviving relations between the pair of ye.... only to see it all blow up in his face!!
(OH the joys of fatherhood!!:)) )

Good luck!

If it had been a clumsy attempt to treat you fair enough but it’s obvious he just wanted sex.

There's quite a few posters saying they where clueless and stupid OP. I disagree. I think they knew exactly what they where doing, and their manipulative intentions towards you would be the end of it for me. I couldn't build a future with a man I couldn't trust to have my best interest, while his overbearing mother hangs vulture like over his shoulder, looking to hijack my experience as a mother to satisfy hers. They are telling you who they are. This is absolutely disgusting behaviour, and I suspect they're just getting started.

It's not a nice gesture when it's ignoring what she's specifically said, that she's not ready to leave her baby overnight or have sex yet

Does he often try to ignore your boundaries and how you feel? Is he the right man for you in the long run? Probably not.

Wow this is sexual coercion on a whole different level.

How on earth is it considerate? @ThatDaringEagle

OP was clear she doesn’t feel ready to leave their child with someone else overnight and he arranges that without her knowledge and consent. Doesn’t give her much time to think about it since he springs it on her and keeps pushing it even when she says she’s uncomfortable.

And not only was he asking her to suddenly get comfortable with being away from her baby but also getting back into sex on the same night - something else which she had said she wasn’t confident doing yet .

He has shot himself in the foot if anything and it’s obvious to anyone with a grain of EI that he has probably made her feel more uncomfortable about intimacy. Add to that he made unfavourable comparisons with an ex who is the mother of his child child - bizarrely trying to hold her to the standard of another (much younger) woman who he didn’t have a lasting relationship with.

If he was really being considerate he’d have waited until she felt comfortable to be away from baby then - with her consent - booked her a nice spa evening or overnight trip with a friend or something with pampering treatments included. One thing at a time.

This situation he created was clearly for his personal gain!

One thing I’ve always been clear on to DH is that I don’t feel ready to leave our DC with someone else overnight yet.
Last Saturday, his MIL turned up at ours out of the blue. She told me she’d booked DH and I a night away at a country hotel and that she’d look after our DC. She said it was only a 30 minute drive so we were still relatively close by.
I really didn’t want to go but felt awkward to decline and pressurised into going. We packed and set off, I told DH I felt uncomfortable and that if I didn’t feel up to staying after the meal, I’d want to go home without staying.

When we checked in, DH told me he had got me a present and had a bag behind his back. In this was a skimpy outfit and he said it was for me to wear that night. Now he knows that has never been my thing and the outfit in question was at least a size too small, there’s no way I’d have got in to it (irrelevant as I didn’t feel comfortable).

And this was just utterly daft considering he knows it’s never been your thing even before you had a child. Or is he getting confused and was thinking about one of his exes when he bought you this? Ridiculous.

Reminds me a bit of a then boyfriend who got me skimpy underwear for my 19th (and nothing else), when I was still building up to being intimate with him and he was all offended when I told him he could keep “my present” - which was really a present for him. There were so many things he knew I would have liked more - books, journals, earrings, chocolate.

But to be fair he was 19 also. I assume OPs husband is considerably older.

That's awful. You can tell he must be complaining to his mum about you . Which makes it even worse.
And I bet the mother to his first child was so young she felt pressured to resume having sex quite early on.
I can't remember when we started again after all my pregnancy's. It took that long to be interested and physically ready for it again.
And I never let anyone have my kids over night till I was ready . I told my mil no repeatedly. We did fall out but she had her kids and these are mine. And my choice.
You have done nothing wrong and sound like a lovely mum

You can take it back, @PotatoBreadForTheWin - just select YANBU instead and it will change your vote!

I’m afraid this would be the end for me. He’s more interested in getting his end away than the feelings of his own partner who has not long given birth to his child.
And the fact he’s planned this seedy little trip with his mother is, frankly, gross.

You deserve better OP.

I feel sorry for him. The outfit aside, he made an effort and was very thoughtful. The fact that you didn't wanna do it hadn't been clearly expressed. I feel sorry for him.