To worry about neighbour’s baby

[maloney123]

I’m not sure where to start, but I am really quite worried about my neighbours’ baby. The other side of our semidetached is rented, and approx six months ago a new family moved in. The walls are paper thin so we can hear pretty much everything that goes on. There’s a dad, mum and what sounds like a young baby. The dad comes and goes, he usually goes out very early in the car and doesn’t come back all day. There is another car but that never moves. We’ve seen the dad a couple of times, but have only ever seen the mum twice, going into the house. We’ve never seen the baby. The blinds are always drawn and the back door is never opened, even though there’s a big garden. I’m on maternity leave so am often home or in and out picking my older child up from nursery, I bump into other neighbours from time to time but I’ve never the mum or baby. I’m not saying I watch the house or anything like that, I just think it’s really strange that I’ve never bumped into her or even seen the baby at all. Am I overthinking this? For what it’s worth, they appear to be Muslim (only mentioning because some Muslim men have certain views towards women). I just worry that something is not right and no authorities are aware of the baby. Oh, nobody ever comes to the house either. I don’t even know what I could do really or who I could contact. I don’t hear any mistreatment or anything like that, I just feel really uncomfortable with the situation and the thought that I could do something but haven’t

Because some of us would rather eat sand than make besties with the neighbour. Invited once I can just about live with, I'll politely say I'm busy or something. Being invited multiple times and neighbour insisting? Absolute fucking nightmare, even imagining it makes me stressed and on edge. Introverted people exist, learn to take no for an answer, learn to read social cues, and don't just go by your experience. Invite once, leave open invitation if you'd like, then up to the invitee to accept or not, and move on.

I keep my blinds closed and don’t really go out because my daughter is visually impaired and sunlight has a major effect on her eyes and on what little she can see, it also hurts her. So there’s many reasons why she might not be outdoors or having her blinds open.

When would you like your virtue signalling award ? I can put money on the fact you live in a very nice middle class area.

It's a lovely ideal world you're living in though.

I moved to the UK about a decade ago and have been an introvert since about three decades ago.

I agree. But the kind of posts by this kind of poster is what they don't realise, as it's actually about them. "Look how multicultural I look" is about them feeling good. Being actually multicultural is sometimes about accepting people from different cultures are different. And sometimes that means respecting their lack of desire to integrate or interact. There is a train of thought that this is problematic for our society, and that too is a fair train of thought. But bulldozing in with "look at me and how cultural i am by imposing my western ways on these people unasked for" actually shows the bigger level of ignorance.

Integration is perhaps a separate discussion, one that might be relevant or not depending on context, I don't really see how in the OP's situation anyone could assume anything re: integration or lack thereof. In my case for example it is purely that I like to keep myself to myself, I'm private and very introverted. The fact that I might have a different colour passport doesn't really come into it. It'd be a tad presumptuous to assume that my personality is simply because "cultural".

I don't really have skin in this game, just don't offer me baklava and we can be friends (from afar)

Why are you being so rude, judgemental and presumptuous?

”this kind of poster”

”about them feeling good”

“being actually multicultural”

”imposing western ways”

”look at me and how cultural I am”

You obviously feel you know a lot more than me. And what’s “cultural”. Being friendly to neighbours?

Encouraging op to keep pushing herself onto her neighbour even if the neighbour says no and even if she doesn't respond is pretty damned rude and presumptuous.

Why are you being so rude and sarcastic?

And what’s class got to do with it? But, to set the record straight, I’m working class and I live in a working class area with neighbours from all over the world. And I’ve lived in other countries.

And you?

Because some people are socially anxious or introverted. Why is that so difficult to understand? For some of us it is very overwhelming to be expected to socialise.

Pushing herself? I didn’t say that. Regular invites aren’t being pushy. I wasn’t suggesting she knocks on her door every blooming week.

However, I accept we all have different views of what’s friendly and what’s rude. Or if it’s rude and presumptuous to be friendly.

And if someone says “No, I don’t want to be friend”. You of course accept that. But she hasn’t even spoken to her yet.

If you get no answer or response from the card and gifts, don’t give up.

These were your words.

This is, quite literally, pushing yourself onto someone.

Going round, multiple times, with cards and gifts, and getting no response, is pushing yourself onto someone.

Inviting someone over regularly when they show no interest at all, and have to keep refusing, is pushing yourself.

Can you really not see how awkward and suffocating that would be for someone who doesn't want to be friends? Especially as they are neighbours.

There's friendly and there's pushy. And if you are socially anxious, you can't say "no I don't want to be friends", because you feel too overwhelmed at being approached in the first place.

You are clearly not an introvert, a loner or a socially anxious/awkward person, but many of us are. Some people just want to be left alone to lead a quiet, peaceful life. Please try to understand and respect that.

It’s not difficult to understand. I was asking so I understood. Would you rather I didn’t ask?

I’m introverted. As I said, it took my neighbours many times of asking and encouraging me to pop round for me to feel comfortable. But I took the leap. It was excruciating at first as I couldn’t express myself properly. But they kept trying and I kept trying and it enriched my life. It helped me learn the language. I’m so grateful they never gave up on me. They became like family.

But I accept some people wouldn’t want or be able to do that. And that’s fine too. People post on here to read different perspectives.

What?!

I am introverted. As I’ve said above, my neighbours regularly inviting me, and me reciprocating, enriched my life. I didn’t find it pushy. They didn’t knock my door every day. They were respectful but continued to be friendly and hospitable.

I do understand some people want to be total loners. And that’s fine too.

But most people don’t. They prefer to make friends. Especially when in a new country where they have to practice the language.

Hi, OP. I am not sure what you did in the end, but just to say that I probably would introduce myself (normally I would knock on the door but in the circumstances maybe a note with your number would be less intrusive not sure). You are neighbours, you share a wall and each have young children. Surely it is completely normal to want to know each other and be able to look out for them if they are happy with this. Maybe they would want to get to know you, maybe not, but I think it is normal to at least introduce yourself.

If I still had nagging concerns I might also call the health visiting team and say you were worried that the mother might be isolated and could they check on them if they thought it necessary. This is completely different to calling social services, it is for support not reporting. The team may know the family and have no concerns so do nothing. It would just ensure the team is aware of the child to they can offer routine support. They almost certainly are already aware, but is important that they are made so if they are not already. If they are aware no harm done, if they are not aware really important that they are made so they can offer routine support.

But its a personal choice 🙄

If the woman wears a hijab or other head covering then the blinds are probably closed so she can choose not to wear it inside her own house.

Given you seem very worried it would nice to pop over with something (even just a nice fruit basket if you’re worried about religion/diet). It may simply be that she doesn’t have anywhere to go so stays home all the time. She may have pnd or other health issues that make leaving the house seem like too much effort.

Going round, multiple times, with cards and gifts, and getting no response, is pushing yourself onto someone.

I apologise if I haven’t made myself clear. I certainly didn’t mean go round with cards and gifts multiple times. That would be weird, obvs.

I simply meant don’t try once then give up. The OP’s instinct is that she’s worried about her neighbour. All sorts have gone through her head as to why she may be at stuck at home every day, apparently on her own with a baby. IMHO instinct is a powerful thing.

Of course, one explanation is her neighbour is perfectly OK and is a loner who doesn’t want to go anywhere or see anyone. She simply wants to be at home with her baby.

But there could be many other explanations. She could have post-natal depression. She may have disabilities. She could be feeling isolated and alone in a new place. She could be experiencing domestic abuse. At the extreme end, she could even be trafficked and subject to modern slavery. She may really value the friendship of neighbours.

How many times do stories come out in the news and people say, “surely the neighbours noticed” and they interview the neighbours and they say “they kept themselves to themselves”.

There’s a big difference between being pushy and interfering and being friendly, neighbourly and caring. IMHO, you should always keep being friendly to people, but obviously not in a pushy way. In a way that shows you care and you want to be friends if they do. But if they don’t or can’t, that’s fine too. It doesn’t have to be one extreme or the other.

If I had a neighbour who came to my door with flowers, card etc and then didn't give up, I'd be beyond pissed off and most certainely wouldn't want to be friendly with them. It should come naturally. If you don't hear arguing or the baby crying for long periods of time regularly, I'd leave them to it.

Hi OP. It's up to you whether or not you feel comfortable knocking on the door. However, either way I would let your local health visitor know - it's probably all absolutely fine but if you've made your concern known to your health visitor then you won't have to worry about it anymore as you've passed your concern on and if everything is fine then the health visitor won't do anything anyway.

You’ve misunderstood me. I didn’t mean keep knocking or acting weirdly.

I meant keep using opportunities to be friendly when they arise. All of us know that being stuck at home all day with a baby isn’t great for either physical or mental health. It’s generally healthy to get out in the fresh air and have some exercise.

If I had a neighbour with a baby who I never saw leave the house, I’d wonder if they’re OK.

Yes sorry OP, I didn't mean it to sound like you should knock on the door or put a note through if you were uncomfortable with this, just that if you wanted to I thought it was a reasonable thing to do. Definitely only if you feel comfortable to do so of course.

As above though, regardless of whether I had spoken to the family, if I had concerns I would speak to the local health visiting team, so they could offer support if they felt they needed to. They are experts in this area, I am not.

Instincts about what? A woman she has seen twice?

She doesn't know if she even lives there anymore, she doesn't know if the baby is still there, she doesn't know if she heads out early morning and sees her family all day, all she knows is that their paths don't cross.

What do you think will happen if she is struggling anyway, she's going to break down and confess all to op? Or will she be more distressed because her nosy neighbour thinks she's not coping and will gossip about it? I'm disabled and in my home a lot, I would be really annoyed if my neighbour started popping by with cards and gifts and invites out of pity because she thought I was being trafficked 🤨

Being friendly is passing the time of day when you see each other, what you're advocating for is op pushing her way into this woman's life.