To worry about neighbour’s baby

[maloney123]

I’m not sure where to start, but I am really quite worried about my neighbours’ baby. The other side of our semidetached is rented, and approx six months ago a new family moved in. The walls are paper thin so we can hear pretty much everything that goes on. There’s a dad, mum and what sounds like a young baby. The dad comes and goes, he usually goes out very early in the car and doesn’t come back all day. There is another car but that never moves. We’ve seen the dad a couple of times, but have only ever seen the mum twice, going into the house. We’ve never seen the baby. The blinds are always drawn and the back door is never opened, even though there’s a big garden. I’m on maternity leave so am often home or in and out picking my older child up from nursery, I bump into other neighbours from time to time but I’ve never the mum or baby. I’m not saying I watch the house or anything like that, I just think it’s really strange that I’ve never bumped into her or even seen the baby at all. Am I overthinking this? For what it’s worth, they appear to be Muslim (only mentioning because some Muslim men have certain views towards women). I just worry that something is not right and no authorities are aware of the baby. Oh, nobody ever comes to the house either. I don’t even know what I could do really or who I could contact. I don’t hear any mistreatment or anything like that, I just feel really uncomfortable with the situation and the thought that I could do something but haven’t

I'm sorry OP I get it you probably mean well but your sleuthing that put two and two together (no weird noises, closed blinds) and came up with five (human trafficking) has me very amused. Gently, would you also think "human trafficking" if it was the same situation but they were white?

If she is wrong and they are actually out and about she just hasn’t seen them, then there is no harm done by the health visitor visiting. If there is a problem though then help can be provided.

i would prefer to do something than nothing and it seems a bit strange to be going round now when they have been there for 6 months.

Side note, this thread has me thinking I need to remember to tone down my arm waving when I argue in Greek with my partner while in the garden. Don't want to end up with police trampling on my new lawn or - worse - asked to go for a walk and eat baklava 😭

If I must eat baklava, may I please have the pistachio version, not the walnut version, I prefer pistachios

All muslim women who read this and who have a young baby and a husband who goes to work are now highly suspicious of their neighbours, especially those who drop round casually with baklava and HALAL sweets 😂

But it’s just one experience. I am still technically a Christian. It’s like someone telling a story about a Mennonite in the US and telling someone that’s what I’m probably like that too.

There are vast cultural differences between Muslims too.

Hi OP

You sound lovely.

I’d pop round with some flowers (maybe from your garden), a cake and a card with your names (including your baby) and number on, introducing yourself. Maybe take your baby with you when you go. Put in the card that you are at home a lot and would love it if she popped in for a cup of tea sometime.

She may be British and/or speak perfect English. But, if she doesn’t, it’s still possible to ‘chat’ to someone by both of you speaking in your own language and lots of hand gestures. I’ve done this many times. I once had a two-hour chat about all sorts of things with a lady I was staying with in Moscow, when neither of us spoke more than ‘yes’ and ‘no’ of each other’s language. And I regularly used to chat to my son’s friend’s mum at the school gate, who spoke Somali and Italian but very little English. When I lived in another country, my neighbours always invited me in to chat. It was embarrassing for me (and them) at first, as I couldn’t converse much, but it helped me learn in the long-run. And I was so grateful to them for keep inviting me. We’re still in touch nearly 20 years later.

You have something in common if you both have babies, so may be able to swap baby clothes or help each other out in other ways. Then, when the kids are a little older, they could play together.

As for how people who are Muslim behave, there’s some nonsense on this thread. There’s no such thing! How do people of Christian faith and/or culture behave? The answer is ‘depends’ - on where you’re from in the world, your social class and (more to the point) what your personality’s like.

Nationality is more a factor than religion, so if she has a foreign accent, ask where she’s from, both the country and the region. If they’re recent immigrants, especially refugees, she may be very shy and still recovering from a lot of trauma. But having worked with refugees for decades, I’m sure she’d be very grateful for you being friendly and hospitable, even it’s a bit excruciating for you both because she can’t speak English or if it’s not a great time for her (depression etc). People can feel so unwelcome and isolated that the tiniest of gestures makes a huge difference.

If you get no answer or response from the card and gifts, don’t give up. Some people are very shy and feel awkward. It may be worth your DP having a chat with her fella when he sees him and say you’d like to be friends.

Good luck

I can't see any reason for concern from your post. What you said about some Muslim men having certain views? All kinds of people have all kinds of views. It is none of your business unless you have a real suspicion about something untoward. And it sounds as though you are watching the house. Leave them be.

If you get no answer or response from the card and gifts, don’t give up.

Good lord.

If you try that hard and don't get a response then leave her be, how bloody suffocating to have a neighbour keep trying to make friends when you haven't indicated that you want a friendship at all.

@EdithBond

"If you get no answer or response from the card and gifts, don’t give up. Some people are very shy and feel awkward"

So because some people are very shy and feel awkward, it's now your job to be extra intrusive and make them feel even more awkward. Makes perfect sense 🤣🤣🤣

Since we're shamelessly doing the whole stereotype thing in this thread - I thought British people are meant to be discrete and polite, what's with the imposed friendship that doesn't take no for an answer? 🤣😭

I think you are being nosey. You can not possibly know every movement of the woman and her baby. She could be going out when you're not doing your neighbourhood watch.

She might have her blinds closed to keep the house cool, how many times on here do you read people suggesting this or maybe she knows you're watching her and doesn't want everyone looking in making notes about her lifestyle. Or maybe she has a baby who doesn't sleep at night and she's catching up during the day

She doesn't have to go in her garden, she might actually not like being in the garden, there's those who sit in their garden with kids legging it around screaming from first daylight until last thing at night and those who enjoy their homes and like to sit inside.

The woman might be a private person and prefer to keep to herself and not get sucked into gossiping neighbours small talk.

The poor woman might just be enjoying being a new mother and relaxing and recovering in her own home with her new baby and they're being accused of people trafficking.

I used to draw my blinds when I was breastfeeding or my baby was sleeping in the living room. Some people just maybe want privacy.

You may have a different experience to me of being new to a country.

As I said in my post, when I lived in a new country, with a 4 month old baby, my neighbours kept inviting me in. I was a bit shy and embarrassed and sometimes said no at first. But they kept asking me. And kept trying to chat with me. And bit by bit my confidence in the language grew. A lot of it was down to them chatting to them. They were so kind and hospitable and I’m so grateful they didn’t give up. It was the start of a very long-standing friendship.

I’ve worked with refugees for 30 years and most people feel very shy and don’t want to put people out. Regular invites show you really mean it. But, again, your experience may be different.

I obvs don’t mean badgering people every day. But every now and again, or when they see them. Or if it’s a special occasion and there are other friends round. Inviting someone once and then never again may not be enough.

I actually think there can be harm done by a health visitor visiting. Honestly, to me it would feel like persecution and make me want to move.

I don't just know one Muslim ! Ok, look, if it suits you to pretend there is no similarities in how a sizeable proportion of non UK born Muslims interact (or don't interact) with their non Muslim proximal community, then fine. Have it your way.

Op going round with a sing song voice and 'baklava' and 'halal sweets' with a saccharine grin tiptoeing over the door threshold to offer a park invite , just screams naive, try hard and "white saviour". To ignore cultural difference Is typical liberal left naiveté. But , yes, let's see how it goes.... I'll wait.

Or inviting someone once may be too much.

Op doesn't see this woman though.

So you want her to go around to her home, multiple times, even after this woman says no, because you think it will make her feel comfortble?

Once is more than enough. Probably too much considering this woman has expressed zero interest in chatting.

I think you should knock (assuming you are female. Hijab is to stop males seeing her hair etc

Have you been new to a country with a baby? As I said, when I was, I was very grateful neighbours kept inviting me in. I can only speak from my experience.

When you were new to a country and didn’t know many people, maybe your experience was difference and you didn’t want to make friends?

I obvs didn’t mean be extra intrusive by constantly badgering them. That surely goes without saying. But there’s nothing wrong with regular invites. Being neighbourly and hospitable means inviting people, but they obvs don’t have to come or be friendly if they don’t want to. It’s not imposed friendship to invite people, it’s friendliness.

You seem to have no imagination about the diversity of behaviour among non-UK-born Muslims, but a positively wild imagination regarding the OP’s ‘singsong voice’, ‘tiptoeing’ and ‘saccharine grin’ on your imaginary version of her ‘white saviour’ visit to her neighbour.

Why?

@EdithBond

No matter how you frame it, it's intrusive to "not give up". Knock and if no answer then put a card through door if you want, making an open invitation for tea or something, and then leave it. Also quite importantly in the situation, the OP has no idea if the woman wants to make friends, they've never exchanged a word - she just thinks it's too quiet so she must be a victim of trafficking.

I was sharing my experience. And that of my friends.

Your experience of being new to living in a country is obviously very different.

What’s your experience of living in a new country?

You're making untrue assumptions there I can assure you. I am going with the information the op has given me. I never once said "all Muslims will behave in this manner" it's you saying I did. It shows a lack of imagination on your part I'm afraid.

Like I said, we'll see how it goes can't we. I'll wait.

It's basic manners, if someone doesn't interact with you or express an interest in talking to you then leave them be.

What if someone you didn't like or want around kept showing up and pushing you to be friends, would you find that OK?