Page 4 | To worry about neighbour’s baby

maloney123 · 2025-05-09T19:36:19+00:00

I’m not sure where to start, but I am really quite worried about my neighbours’ baby. The other side of our semidetached is rented, and approx six months ago a new family moved in. The walls are paper thin so we can hear pretty much everything that goes on. There’s a dad, mum and what sounds like a young baby. The dad comes and goes, he usually goes out very early in the car and doesn’t come back all day. There is another car but that never moves. We’ve seen the dad a couple of times, but have only ever seen the mum twice, going into the house. We’ve never seen the baby. The blinds are always drawn and the back door is never opened, even though there’s a big garden. I’m on maternity leave so am often home or in and out picking my older child up from nursery, I bump into other neighbours from time to time but I’ve never the mum or baby. I’m not saying I watch the house or anything like that, I just think it’s really strange that I’ve never bumped into her or even seen the baby at all. Am I overthinking this? For what it’s worth, they appear to be Muslim (only mentioning because some Muslim men have certain views towards women). I just worry that something is not right and no authorities are aware of the baby. Oh, nobody ever comes to the house either. I don’t even know what I could do really or who I could contact. I don’t hear any mistreatment or anything like that, I just feel really uncomfortable with the situation and the thought that I could do something but haven’t

SapphireSeptember · 10/05/2025 04:20

AnnaL94 · 10/05/2025 02:36

I’m not saying I watch the house or anything like that

But you’re clearly watching the house …..

If you’re not watching the house then how do you know she never goes in the garden or goes anywhere.

You sound like a busybody who’s got too much time on your hands.

I mean, OP did explain she's on maternity leave so she's at home a lot. I noticed my upstairs neighbours never take their dogs out pretty soon after moving here because I could hear them on the days I never left the house, and on the days I do leave the house.

And showing concern for a mum and baby is being a busybody? 🙄

BlondiePortz · 10/05/2025 04:24

gollyimholly · 10/05/2025 02:59

I am aghast at the assumptions people are making on here. Human trafficking and "the way men treat their women". Because they are Muslim?

I am a devout Muslim woman. I open my front door, I speak to strangers, I take DD to the park almost everyday. All the women I know do a heck tonne outside the house with their kids and husbands.

But honestly, surprise surprise to pretty much all the PPs - individual people have different preferences. I hear about a bunch of non Muslim western men do terrible things to "their women" (reference: AIBU and Relationships on MN and the news) but I don't assume all western men are the same. A couple of my neighbours are white and they very rarely socialise and one of them specifically told me they prefer not to socialise with the neighbourhood too much (from what I can see bar myself and another family across the road everyone is white).

OP, it seems you are assuming the family are Muslim - what are you basing your assumptions on?

I would consider postpartum depression and EBF (I would have my curtains drawn a lot when EBF) too. Sure, go ahead and be concerned. But I think you have a pretty low opinion of Muslims if so many of your concerns are literally made up based on what I can only describe as a disgusting stereotype. At first glance you sound kind and concerned but the undertones are nasty.

Yes, helping people is great if they need it but please don't turn this into you needing a project it is about them not you

TheOriginalEmu · 10/05/2025 04:34

I never open my blinds or go in my garden. I have health issues now, but tbh even before that I never did either. I’m just not an outdoor kind of person and I’ve never really seen the point in opening blinds so people can see in my house!

knock and ask her if she’d like a coffee as you’re both home with little kids.

Farticus101 · 10/05/2025 04:40

maloney123 · 09/05/2025 21:41

Ahhhh makes so much sense. I deffo won’t knock then!

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Hijab wearing Muslim here. It is perfectly fine for you to knock on the door. I would just stick my hijab on and open the door. I think it comes across as friendly when neighbours introduce themselves. I'm the kind of person to never close my blinds though, hijab or not!

TheOriginalEmu · 10/05/2025 04:45

SquashedMallow · 09/05/2025 22:01

Also, you have to factor in whether you inviting yourself into her life /on her doorstep may get her in to trouble with her husband (a lot of people have got their 'western' heads on)

My daughter made friends with a little girl a few years back who's parents were Turkish born Muslims (they were actually more liberal , as I've found Turkish Muslims can be generally). She didn't wear the hijab. Lived here 10+ years but 'couldnt speak English ' I know realise that this was her husband's way of ensuring she didn't 'mix' (her oldest daughter who was westernised told me this in so many words ) anyway, sweet lady, invited them to the park one day via her older daughter. It was lovely actually. When I suggested coming to our home/my daughter coming to hers , she told me (via daughter ) that wouldn't be possible as her husband wouldn't like English /non Muslim people at the house.

See western values= that's abuse.
Non western values = par for the course in a marriage

We just pretend otherwise.

This woman had bought up 4 lovely children, who were happy, intelligent and well adjusted. They were a credit to her and her husband actually.

I let it all slide as it was too much hard work. Especially being "not allowed" in an official capacity to mix

That's an absolutely true story.

I just get tired of the naiveté. This is how it is. Be it right or wrong

This is the most condescending pile of shite I’ve read in a while.
SOME Muslim families may be this way. In the same way some Non-Muslim families are this way. There are plenty of very sociable Muslim people out there who are very much part of the local community.

Feelingmuchbetter · 10/05/2025 05:46

I would knock, and say hello, introduce yourself and ask her how she is settling in. Muslim women are usually confined to the house without a guardian if they are strict Muslims, so it’s likely they are devout Muslims and it’s important to be sure you are female op or she will unlikely to open the door without her dh being present.

This is unthinkable to us, but very normal in the Middle East and beyond.

Istilldontlikeolives · 10/05/2025 06:16

Wow. So, you hear nothing at all of worry even though the walls are paper thin. The Dad seems to go to work every day. They have 2 cars. You’ve seen the mum twice in 6 months. So…. ALL completely normal. But the back door is closed all the time and the blinds are always closed so…. Probably people trafficking or similar. Yes. Probably.

I am Muslim and my windows are almost permanently covered so I can take my hijab off at home. It’s annoying and I would like to have no blinds but I’m too open and close to passersby so can’t.

What is the fascination with taking Baklava and other such foods to a Muslim? We do eat a wider range of things.

Such a frustrating thread. Either leave your neighbours alone or if you genuinely actually want to know them (and it doesn’t sound like you do) then just knock and introduce yourself without the baklava.

Dorosomethingbeautiful · 10/05/2025 06:17

@AnnaL94you are so spot on. I think the OP is just being nosy

MikeRafone · 10/05/2025 06:34

you have a tendency to take on other people problems - it could well be that you are actually looking for a problem in this situation.

Possibly the neighbours like their privacy, and there is nothing more to it

thedeadneverdie · 10/05/2025 06:37

Don’t give your telephone number to strangers.

Just knock on the door and introduce yourself as their neighbour.

Heylittlesongbird · 10/05/2025 07:08

If you are genuinely concerned then why not mention it to your health visitor. Just say what you said in your OP and that you know they can’t tell you anything but you just felt you ought to flag it.
That way you’ve passed the information on to authorities who can check everything is ok.

LBFseBrom · 10/05/2025 07:10

"For what it’s worth, they appear to be Muslim (only mentioning because some Muslim men have certain views towards women)".

How do 'they' appear to be Muslim and what views do you think this particular man has towards women? That really is a loaded statement.

If they are new neighbours, drop a welcoming card through the letterbox but stop speculating. It's up to them if they don't open their curtains, I often don't and it's never occurred to me any neighbour would even notice! I'm sure their baby is fine (are you sure they have one?), fresh air is often overrated.

Poppins2016 · 10/05/2025 07:43

Sometimes I go weeks/months without seeing my next door neighbours even though I can hear them inside or in the garden. There's nothing wrong (and we get on, so there's no avoidance), it's just that our schedules are totally different.

During my last pregnancy, because it was winter during most of my third trimester (and we all seem to be fair weather about whether we hang out outside our houses), most of my neighbours didn't even know I was pregnant for a long time (they were either surprised with my bump, or with my baby "ooh, is the baby yours, I didn't know you were expecting?!")!

Our living room is south facing so I often draw the curtains to keep the room cool/less bright/watch TV... not sinister, just practical.

CoubousAndTourmalet · 10/05/2025 07:46

I think you have to ask yourself if you would act the same way no matter who moved in next door. Would you be posting if it was a forty something couple with a teen, a mid-sixties couple with grandchildren, a young goth couple with a big dog, or is this purely about the baby and the racial element?

In truth, some of us are just introverted and like a quiet private life. For all you know, they may have moved there to get away from bad neighbours and in need of some peace, so the intrusion may not be welcomed.

Honestly, if we moved, our worst nightmare would be neighbours arriving to introduce themselves and bearing gifts. We would then feel under pressure to reciprocate, and we are not naturally sociable. Bumping into the neighbour on the street and saying a friendly hello is fine, but knocking on the door is intrusive whichever way you look at it.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 10/05/2025 07:47

EmeraldShamrock000 · 09/05/2025 20:59

I don't think you should knock, it might be intrusive. I understand that you are concerned she is lonely.
If the babies are close in age, they'll bond in time.
When you do see her, give a friendly smile, wait for an occasion, Eids or similar to offer a friendly hand.

It’s a mad world when knocking on a neighbour’s door to say Hi is ‘intrusive’

Of course it’s a good idea to do that

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 10/05/2025 07:50

CoubousAndTourmalet · 10/05/2025 07:46

I think you have to ask yourself if you would act the same way no matter who moved in next door. Would you be posting if it was a forty something couple with a teen, a mid-sixties couple with grandchildren, a young goth couple with a big dog, or is this purely about the baby and the racial element?

In truth, some of us are just introverted and like a quiet private life. For all you know, they may have moved there to get away from bad neighbours and in need of some peace, so the intrusion may not be welcomed.

Honestly, if we moved, our worst nightmare would be neighbours arriving to introduce themselves and bearing gifts. We would then feel under pressure to reciprocate, and we are not naturally sociable. Bumping into the neighbour on the street and saying a friendly hello is fine, but knocking on the door is intrusive whichever way you look at it.

It’s completely bizarre to think of a neighbour knocking on your door to introduce themselves as a nightmare.

If you don’t want to follow up you don’t have to, it’s not compulsory to be be sociable, but some people have to be, or your kids would be growing up in a place with no sense of community

EmeraldShamrock000 · 10/05/2025 07:51

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 10/05/2025 07:47

It’s a mad world when knocking on a neighbour’s door to say Hi is ‘intrusive’

Of course it’s a good idea to do that

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The neighbour clearly isn't looking for company, she most likely doesn't want to mix with neighbours, then there is the language and culture barrier and religious reasons for not mixing with local neighbours.

Namerchangee · 10/05/2025 07:53

Knock on. That’s all you need to do. Make yourself known to them.

RogersOrganismicProcess · 10/05/2025 07:56

Goodness! Many assumptions based on stereotypes on this thread, but non that I recognise from my Muslim in-laws or many friends, colleagues and neighbours who are very sociable and community minded.

People of ALL BACKGROUNDS will have varying tendencies to be introvert/extravert, open/closed, active/inactive. My white British SIL is the most closed off introverted person I know!

Throw in a few postpartum factors and even the most sociable woman may become uncharacteristically withdrawn.

If you genuinely care that this mother and child may be isolated and you are willing and able to form an equal friendship without pre-judgment, do feel free to leave a note and box of chocolates/bunch of flowers. It doesn’t need to say halal, vegetarian without alcohol will do.

However, if you are going into it with a need to protect this baby from some assumed restrictive perils of what you presume to be the Muslim faith, it would be better for mother and child that you respected their privacy.

CoubousAndTourmalet · 10/05/2025 07:56

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 10/05/2025 07:50

It’s completely bizarre to think of a neighbour knocking on your door to introduce themselves as a nightmare.

If you don’t want to follow up you don’t have to, it’s not compulsory to be be sociable, but some people have to be, or your kids would be growing up in a place with no sense of community

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That's how it is for some of us. Sorry if it doesn't suit you. Clearly you are not introverted or socially anxious.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 10/05/2025 08:14

SquashedMallow · 09/05/2025 21:31

Once again, this shows staggering naiveté "oh yeh I'm so anti racist, I'd treat em like Cassie down the road and offer em a brew and a gossip and pack of biccies"

They're Muslim ! They're not going to accept food that they don't know is Halal !

We have to stop being simplistic about our multi cultural society and realise that some groups do not want cohesion, they wish to live their lives adhering to their culture. I'm not passing judgement on it by the way. I do think any attempt to start knocking at a Muslim families door who are clearly advertising they want privacy from the neighbours is not going to be welcome and seen as pushy and possibly even a violation. Different cultures do operate differently! The liberal left think they can fix it all by treating different cultured people like "oh just the same" . I think some of it is curtain twitchy too, and probably an attempt to be like "look at me and my new brown Muslim BFF". It won't work like that.

Pop a card through the letterbox. Offer a hand of friendship /communication and wait for her cue.

Also, unless you suspect any mistreatment , it just comes across like you're applying western values to their lifestyle and judging it accordingly.

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Would Cassie Down the Road welcome such an overture? If she's on Mumsnet, presumably she'd never answer the door or respond non suspiciously to a gesture of goodwill

Odras · 10/05/2025 08:15

I’d knock on the door - it will ease your own mind and it might help her feel less alone. It sounds a bit sad that she hasn’t left the house and has had no visitors. Even if the not leaving the house is cultural or personal preference, it’s most likely that she would have family calling on her if she were at home.

I have worked with Muslims from other countries and I don’t recognise what some people are saying here. There are vast cultural and religious differences between Muslim people. I mean imagine if someone was making vast sweeping generalisations about whether Christians open the door or talk to non Christian or leave the house.

Hufflemuff · 10/05/2025 08:17

There's no way you can flag this with anybody.

Sorry but I'm reading this and I think you're jumping to conclusions because they're a different skin colour.

Would you honestly have the same concerns if they were white? Would you even notice?

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 10/05/2025 08:23

gollyimholly · 10/05/2025 02:59

I am aghast at the assumptions people are making on here. Human trafficking and "the way men treat their women". Because they are Muslim?

I am a devout Muslim woman. I open my front door, I speak to strangers, I take DD to the park almost everyday. All the women I know do a heck tonne outside the house with their kids and husbands.

But honestly, surprise surprise to pretty much all the PPs - individual people have different preferences. I hear about a bunch of non Muslim western men do terrible things to "their women" (reference: AIBU and Relationships on MN and the news) but I don't assume all western men are the same. A couple of my neighbours are white and they very rarely socialise and one of them specifically told me they prefer not to socialise with the neighbourhood too much (from what I can see bar myself and another family across the road everyone is white).

OP, it seems you are assuming the family are Muslim - what are you basing your assumptions on?

I would consider postpartum depression and EBF (I would have my curtains drawn a lot when EBF) too. Sure, go ahead and be concerned. But I think you have a pretty low opinion of Muslims if so many of your concerns are literally made up based on what I can only describe as a disgusting stereotype. At first glance you sound kind and concerned but the undertones are nasty.

To be fair, the nasty/nastier overtones are coming from posters other than the OP

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 10/05/2025 08:25

I just had a chat with my neighbour who I haven't seen for about 6 months.

She goes out and I go out, but our paths just never cross, she's retired and I'm disabled so we are both home a lot as well.

You really have no idea if she goes out or not.

Don't go knocking and asking about her baby though.

I had one of the PTA mums at school knocking and trying to get me out a month after the birth of my daughter because she was concerned I was depressed.

Cue me having to stand on my doorstep and explain how my daughter had died to a random mum who inserted herself into my life because I wasn't acting how she thought I should. It was awful and I wasn't going out because I couldn't face the explanations.