To worry about neighbour’s baby

[maloney123]

I’m not sure where to start, but I am really quite worried about my neighbours’ baby. The other side of our semidetached is rented, and approx six months ago a new family moved in. The walls are paper thin so we can hear pretty much everything that goes on. There’s a dad, mum and what sounds like a young baby. The dad comes and goes, he usually goes out very early in the car and doesn’t come back all day. There is another car but that never moves. We’ve seen the dad a couple of times, but have only ever seen the mum twice, going into the house. We’ve never seen the baby. The blinds are always drawn and the back door is never opened, even though there’s a big garden. I’m on maternity leave so am often home or in and out picking my older child up from nursery, I bump into other neighbours from time to time but I’ve never the mum or baby. I’m not saying I watch the house or anything like that, I just think it’s really strange that I’ve never bumped into her or even seen the baby at all. Am I overthinking this? For what it’s worth, they appear to be Muslim (only mentioning because some Muslim men have certain views towards women). I just worry that something is not right and no authorities are aware of the baby. Oh, nobody ever comes to the house either. I don’t even know what I could do really or who I could contact. I don’t hear any mistreatment or anything like that, I just feel really uncomfortable with the situation and the thought that I could do something but haven’t

@FancyCatSlave 100% agree; this is my experience and would be my advice also.

God how depressing if she is unable to leave the house 😞 and the child as well, with no outside experience. Some of these women are not allowed to leave the house or answer the door if there isn’t a male present. Poor lady

I was going to say who knows if the mum or the baby have health issues which mean it’s difficult to leave the house?

How old is the baby. Some cultures have a tradition where you don't leave the house for 40 days following giving birth. It could be as simple as that.

The most obvious answer is often the correct one. I think your assumption is a reach.

Maybe she doesn't speak English so feels awkward when out.

Actually Muslim women do answer the door.

Btw original poster, Muslim women are happy to talk to other women, some can be a bit shy especially if new to the location and also busy with a baby. Just pop round, knock, offer some cookies and say hello. Mention your kids and she might invite you round for tea. :)

This is very true.

A box of Celebrations is halal/casual. A "Hi, welcome to the neighbourhood, I know you have a new baby but I'm here for a cuppa" vibe note/card in addition would be inoffensive and a neighbourly gesture. If everything had gone my way, my blinds would've been drawn for months after having my twins 🤣

Ya, everything is most likely fine. Its most likely their culture. I had Muslim neighbours who were the exact same. The wife wouldnt leave the house, except for every 3 months or so when there was a dinner gathering on and wouldnt seek medical care for her or her kids without her husband. It can look isolating and concerning to us. They probably see the not answering the door as a safety thing

Different cultures and countries can have different approaches. I raised a baby in a part of China where it is very common for mothers to not leave their house for months after the baby is born.

Telling my friends about English women who hare down the park or walking with their baby in a pram after a few days always makes them shriek with terror.

That doesn't mean this mum doesn't need help + wouldn't appreciate support though. No harm in reaching out, especially if you both have young children.

Eh?

I live in one of the councils with the most Muslims. Devout or not, isn't how they work at all. I think you're mixing up your religions here.

I have had a wide variety of muslim neighbours and some of the stereotypes are true sometimes, but I also found amazing friends in the Egyptian muslim family on our street. They'll drink wine with us so I think they are fairly relaxed religiously. My (white) sister is a carer and lived with us for a time and she was constantly coming home with food parcels from a friendly Bangladeshi family on her rounds. I think definitely reach out- even if just to try and make a mum/ neighbour friend. Being in a new area can be daunting.

Interesting. I am devout Muslim and quite happy to mix with my friends/child’s friends numerous birthday parties - whether Muslim or not. All my direct ‘devout Muslim’ friends are the same. Lol @SquashedMallow so that was a bit of an overstatement.

Regarding the woman in question, it is actually a cultural practice depending on their cultural background (not religious) that after childbirth women rest in their or their parents homes for a month. This lady in question could be depressed, or could he home resting, or could be dependent on her husband and won’t go out without him. This can be common in some females, especially South Asian or Middle Eastern. Also, if they are new to the country it could be she feels she can’t do things without him.

(also culture and religion usually get mixed up and people may often think they are doing something in the name of religion, but its actually more cultural than religious.)

Erm I would say mind your own business.My curtains and blinds are shut nearly 24:7 because I live with migraines from sunlight so the darker the better, plus you would have barely ever seen me in the garden or out due to twins and other little ones atm. I would hate a neighbour like you making all these assumptions that have nothing to do with you anyhow

Knock and ask to go for a walk!!!!

If I was on the receiving end of this, I'd be getting a Ring doorbell and potentially putting my house up on Rightmove.

I’m not saying I watch the house or anything like that

But you’re clearly watching the house …..

If you’re not watching the house then how do you know she never goes in the garden or goes anywhere.

You sound like a busybody who’s got too much time on your hands.

People trafficking?! Because neighbours have blinds drawn and haven't had visitors in 6 months?! Bloody hell

We have Muslim neighbours, a young couple with a toddler. He is an academic working as a visiting lecturer at a British university. She seems to be a SAHM for now but we see her out and about with the baby, as well as all three of them out together.
They are friendly and we chat, she brought over a bottle of local alcohol as a gift after they had been on holiday in Turkey, where they are from. With instructions on how to drink it! We give them veg from the allotment sometimes.
So they do not seem to be particularly observant and may be very different from yours, OP, the fact they are all Muslim might not be as pertinent as their outlook and education, along with the possibility they may not speak much, if any, English.
I don't see that it would be wrong to reach out a little in whatever way seems appropriate for you.

A lot of Turkish people are Alevi and alcohol isn't forbidden.

I am aghast at the assumptions people are making on here. Human trafficking and "the way men treat their women". Because they are Muslim?

I am a devout Muslim woman. I open my front door, I speak to strangers, I take DD to the park almost everyday. All the women I know do a heck tonne outside the house with their kids and husbands.

But honestly, surprise surprise to pretty much all the PPs - individual people have different preferences. I hear about a bunch of non Muslim western men do terrible things to "their women" (reference: AIBU and Relationships on MN and the news) but I don't assume all western men are the same. A couple of my neighbours are white and they very rarely socialise and one of them specifically told me they prefer not to socialise with the neighbourhood too much (from what I can see bar myself and another family across the road everyone is white).

OP, it seems you are assuming the family are Muslim - what are you basing your assumptions on?

I would consider postpartum depression and EBF (I would have my curtains drawn a lot when EBF) too. Sure, go ahead and be concerned. But I think you have a pretty low opinion of Muslims if so many of your concerns are literally made up based on what I can only describe as a disgusting stereotype. At first glance you sound kind and concerned but the undertones are nasty.

OP I know it’s strange but I’m not sure you can interfere unless you have evidence of something being wrong. I thought the same too about a neighbour. After moving in, I only met my make next door neighbour and his baby after 8 months. They had a small baby and I had no idea, I assumed he was a single dad until I met his wife after a year of living there. They told me they’re both home birds. I never even heard the baby cry, I do sometimes now.

i work in healthcare in an area with a high Muslim population and most of the women won’t come to appointments without their husbands so it could be that also.

I live on a small street with various nationalities and ages. Regardless of that, if someone moved in and I didn’t see them for 6 months I would be worried. I would definitely knock on the door in the day time and see if she answers and then put a note through the door with your number on welcoming her to the street and seeing if she wants to come round for tea.

Thank you for this. I raised a few eyebrows too, being married to a very sociable non-British born Muslim with many friends from different cultures.

OP, I’d post a small token box of something halal (chocolate or baklava) with a brief card introducing yourself and saying you’re available for a cuppa if ever the neighbour ever fancies it. I’d end it with the mention of being there to help if the neighbour ever needs a hand with something. I’d be prepared to not hear back potentially. I wouldn’t mention a baby in case it’s not theirs somehow - eg a relative’s. Or heaven forbid, in case something has happened explaining not hearing or seeing the baby. If I remember rightly?!

If something happened to give me cause for concern about welfare, I’d speak to the HV. Of course they couldn’t give any info but we all have a duty of care to raise even a slight tconcern when a baby or child is involved - too many sadly slip through the net of course.

Finally, when breastfeeding, I had my blinds shut so my neighbours opposite didn’t get an eye full and were spared the sight of me walking round in my pump and pumping bra with little else on during a heatwave and while my hormones were raging making me sweat even more.

Op you are free to act and behave as your culture. Just approach this situation as you would any other. Your neighbor can then react as they wish.

It's that simple