I'm 43 and I can't learn to drive!! Feel useless

[ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed]

As per thread title, I'm now 43 and trying to learn to drive, but I just can't seem to manage it. I've been trying since my 20s and just cannot, no matter how hard I try, get my head around all the different things. I can't get my lane position right, my steering is terrible, my spacial awareness is virtually non existent. I've tried so many times and just given up. However, it has got to the point in my life where I NEED to be able to drive. I have two children who both have special needs. They will soon be going to different schools and it just won't be doable on public transport, we may in the near future have to move to an area where public transport is not great. I literally need to have my licence by this time next year at the absolute latest but I just can't see how this is going to happen. I feel like such a failure. Why is it other people can manage to learn and I can't? Am I just stupid? I feel like giving up but thats not an option at this stage. I'm failing my children. I need to do this but it's just not happening 😢

Not suitable because you can't drive? Don't be ridiculous!

Make sure your eyesight is up to scratch. If you wear glasses, check that you don’t need a different prescription.

Sorry you are actually saying that if you can't learn to drive you'd put your kids into care?!!!!

There are ALWAYS other options to driving. Can you move to somewhere with better public transport? Get taxis (surely not as expensive all the driving lessons you are taking). Hire someone to help you take your kids to school on the bus.

This.
can you move?

Again, easy to say, but my children are missing out. We can't move closer to family because in order to do so I need to drive.
I can't just take them down to the beach on a sunny day, the train costs a fortune and its just not practical with 2 SEN children and all the junk you need to lug about on a family day out. You can't just take a taxi down to the coast!! I'm not able to give them what they need and deserve.

It's because we need to move that I need to do this. That among other things.

Years ago kids didn't go to the seaside much, especially if they lived inland. A week in a cheap caravan by the coast in the summer was the most that many people could afford. The kids grew up fine.

I do feel you are looking for obstacles now and focussing on the thing you want to do and maybe just can't, rather than being open to other solutions.

Could you possibly be depressed? I ask as you are feeling you aren't a good mother and that guilt is often a sign of depression.

Lots of children don’t have a beach at their disposal. As a child I lived 60 miles from the closest beach so visits were few and far between.

I think you are getting so bogged down with the feeling of failure that it’s clouding everything else.

You are beating yourself up over something that your brain, probably due to combination of spatial awareness, executive function, anxiety, really struggles to do.
This doesn't make you thick, just that your brain may work differently. I'm sure you have lots of other great skills.
Please don't tie up your self worth with just one skill. There are many people who don't drive, although it may not seem like it.
It maybe time to take a breather or accept driving is just not for you, you've given it so much, don't let it take over your life.

If you do want to perservere maybe medication for anxiety or hypnotherapy may help?

I also struggled to learn, swapped to an automatic and found a wonderful calm and chilled instructor who I felt completely comfortable with, still took my 5 attempts to pass my test.
How comfortable are you with your instructor? Having the right instructor is so important.
I also think going somewhere quiet, industrial estate or early morning weekend lesson when roads are very quiet, or simple routes may help build skills and confidence.
Whatever you decide good luck and please don't be too harsh on yourself, you arent thick and you are definitely giving it your all, your perseverance and determination are really admirable.

But this isn't years ago, it's 2025. Why should my children have to go to school and hear about all the fun things their friends get to do on the weekends and school holidays, when they miss out? Yes I may well be depressed, because the situation is making me depressed.

People say its just one skill but its a major skill. It's a life changing skill, our lives would literally be transformed so much if I could do this. People who can do it take it for granted.

Are you saying that other parents who can’t drive or afford to run a car are failing their children? That’s really quite an unpleasant sentiment.

I don't know how many more times I have to say on here I've looked into all those options and it's not possible. There aren't a range of options out there and you can't just get school transport because your children have SEN, it just doesn't work that way. We are having to live far away from family and friends right now because THEY live in locations without good transport. I need to learn to drive so we can live closer to family. People just aren't getting that. It's not just about getting them to school, that's just one part of it.

I'm not talking about other parents, I'm talking about me.

Have your kids got EHCPs? If so, you can request transport to school as part of this (not a guarantee they'd get it but worth trying). Sorry if you've already tried this. Info I found states:

"All children of compulsory school age who live outside of the statutory walking distance are entitled to free transport (2 miles for under 8s and 3 miles for over 8s).

The law also states that even if a child lives within statutory walking distance, they may still be entitled to free transport if they:

• are from a low income family
• have an unsafe route to school
• have SEND"

What about looking at vehicles you can drive

Pretty sure something like a low powered Renault Twizy doesn’t require a full driving licence. I know they do one that does require a licence which goes up to 80km per hour

I know in Europe you can definitely drive these cars

They don’t go fast (I think top speed is about 27mph) and you can’t use motorways but it might help with actually getting a better understanding of the roads and make things more accessible. They do 3 seater versions

Depending where you live, I have seen many of these cars in central London which don’t really look unsafe as traffic is going under 10mph and there are a lot of bikes around They do look quite unsafe when I have seen them on dual carriageways but if you were going anywhere like the seaside for the day I would plan to arrive very early before traffic has built up and leave much later

Just to get dc to two different schools this type of thing would be a huge help

Surely being put into care(!) would be a worse outcome than being with your mum but not going to the beach often!

A flippant point, but there is a possibility you really can't master driving and won't pass a test in the next year, and life will have to go on in that case.

If you have truly exhausted the options suggested then perhaps speak to your MP.

Mumsnet cannot change reality so you can drive tomorrow.

I haven’t read every post, so this could be repetitive, but driving - vehicle, fuel, parking, tax, insurance, maintenance - is expensive. And so are endless lessons - I know this, it took me 9 attempts!

Could you budget to rely on Uber and public transport? Even if it involved moving house? I think at this stage it could be the case that even if you passed your test, you’d never want to drive in the car alone?

More info I found online in case it helps:

The law regarding provision of home to school transport applies to all children, and free transport for eligible children is vey clear.
The Education Act 1996 (s.508 (B) and Schedule 35) contains the definition of an ‘eligible’ child for the purposes of receiving home to school transport. If a child falls within the definition, the law states that the local authority (LA) responsible for them must make the necessary suitable travel arrangements so that he or she can travel between home and school. Importantly, these must be provided free of charge.

The law requires the LA to arrange free, suitable, home to school transport for children of compulsory school age who are ‘eligible’ to their nearest suitable school.

Having SEN and or a disability is one of the criteria for being an eligible child.

Where a young person is over 16 years old and attending school or college the law requires a LA to have home to school or college transport arrangements in place to enable them to attend education or training.

I really think OP that you may have to accept that you can't drive. You won't be the only one. It's not for everyone. Even if you pass your test it sounds as if it would always be hard for you.

Obviously I know MN can't wave a magic wand and make it happen. I suppose what I was hoping is that maybe other posters who tried with difficulty for several years and then finally mastered it could tell me what it was that suddenly clicked in their brain so they were able to get it. What was the secret?

Not going to the beach isn't the whole issue, its just one part of it. Add all those things together and it's very limiting for them.

Just to add that you not driving does not make you a bad mother! Raising two children with SEN most likely means you've already had to problem solve and think outside the box more than most parents. This is one of those situations that requires those skills you've most likely already honed! For what it's worth, you sound like a fantastic parent to have tried so hard and valiantly to drive. Please don't base your self worth on passing your test. The fact you've put in so much effort already proves how much you care, and how much strength and determination is in you, which will stand you and your children in such good stead going forward. Your children need your love and support, and a happy mum more than anything. There will be a solution somehow, don't give up on trying to find that, or on yourself!

Even if you pass your test that’s not necessarily the end of your driving challenges. The reality will be that you put your children's safety in your hands every time you get in the car and face all the challenges driving can entail. Will you be ok with that? Will you be ok to incur all the costs running a car takes?