I'm 43 and I can't learn to drive!! Feel useless

[ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed]

As per thread title, I'm now 43 and trying to learn to drive, but I just can't seem to manage it. I've been trying since my 20s and just cannot, no matter how hard I try, get my head around all the different things. I can't get my lane position right, my steering is terrible, my spacial awareness is virtually non existent. I've tried so many times and just given up. However, it has got to the point in my life where I NEED to be able to drive. I have two children who both have special needs. They will soon be going to different schools and it just won't be doable on public transport, we may in the near future have to move to an area where public transport is not great. I literally need to have my licence by this time next year at the absolute latest but I just can't see how this is going to happen. I feel like such a failure. Why is it other people can manage to learn and I can't? Am I just stupid? I feel like giving up but thats not an option at this stage. I'm failing my children. I need to do this but it's just not happening 😢

I haven't read the whole thread but wanted to post to say you are NOT stupid. I also really struggled with learning to drive in my late twenties and sat my test 6 or 7 times - I lost count. I was also tempted to abandon the whole idea. However I did persevere and am soo glad that I did - the independence it gives you is priceless. I haven't any other tips other than believe in yourself and keep going. Thinking of you and wishing you all the best

I think whilst you are in this funk of saying you can’t, you will never, You are your own worse enemy

Learning to drive is about learning from your mistakes. It is about realising you have f*cked up and trying to remember what you are supposed to do the next time even if it’s the 1001 times you have made the same error.

I think this pressure about passing your test by a certain time is not doing you any good.

I doubt even if you were test ready and applied to take your theory test today and passed it first time, I think your would be lucky to get a driving test date before Christmas.

I know around my area it’s at least a few months before you can do your theory and a longer wait to do your test

I think cutting down on the lessons for a while to one per week and seeing a therapist or a hypnotherapist to change your mind set might be better in the long run.

ATM I feel you are approaching lessons with the mindset that you are going to fail and not you are there to learn and mistakes are part of learning. That’s why your driving instructor has pedals on his side of the car.
If no one made mistakes when learning there wouldn’t be dual controls on the car

I found it reasonably difficult learning, but made slow progress over time. There was no sudden click or secret. I did find videos/online tutorials useful particularly for roundabouts, as they explain what's happening in each lane and why, and overlay arrows onto the video to illustrate what they're saying etc. Generally anytime you don't understand why something happened as it did, ask the instructor but if you're still not clear then read about the issue online after the lesson.

My kids (not SEN) grew up with me not having a car. I did feel bad about it sometimes but driving just made me too anxious to continue (I did have a licence, which has since expired). Yes there were a few times I wish I could just get over myself (didn’t help that my ex would belittle me in front of them for not driving). I knew my anxiety and fear of driving could compromise their safety so I was at peace with my decision.

I think you should investigate more transport help for your sen children going to school. Their happy childhood memories won’t be affected by you not driving.

They are also missing out on a lot because their father has abandoned them completely. Their mother, on the other hand, is doing her very best for them. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

Practice

Practice

Practise

From someone who failed 6 tests because they spent too long on trying to make sure the road was clear when doing a right hand turn and only passed on the 7th attempt because when I got to the junction there wasn’t a car in sight.

Have read a bit more. I do think your mental attitude and opinion of yourself is key. I finally passed when I stopped caring about it - I had decided if I didn't pass I would stop. I think subconsciously that took the pressure off.
Also I realise now just how bad a driver I was when I passed - the examiner said "well it's not wonderful but it'll do". I then gained confidence by actually having to drive by myself and as people say that's when you really learn.

Random question but do you have a stigmatism?

For years I had opticians trying to correct the stigmatism until one day, stood at the side of the road attempting to cross I noticed I couldn’t judge where the car actually was in relation to how fast or slow it was coming or was it 20 feet away or 200 metres away

i now have plain glass in my glasses in that eye or use only 1 contact lens

I think there is driving you do to pass your test

Then there is driving in real life

I think moving to London might make you realise you aren’t alone in not being able to drive. Also with transport links and all the free stuff you can do (we even have a beach in summer) your children would never be bored

Cargo bikes are a regular feature on our roads
No driving licence needed and they come in electric powered

We live in London now. But we can't live here forever, we will eventually have to move, this is the point. And my SEN children don't cope with public transport well.

Not helpful.
And it’s ’you’re a danger ‘.

Does it feel any easier as you do more of it? I had two lots of learning to drive, once when 17 and again in my 30s. I thought I'd been terrible at 17 but in hindsight I was basically fine at getting from point a to b - just had an instructor who didn't build confidence. I know you mention some issues in the OP, but do you feel you've grown at all? Are there any routes where you're okay?

I'm not the best driver, but I'm very good at doing the school run now I've done it so many times! I'm still terrible at parking if someone is watching me...

You're at a tricky point - mentally you're telling yourself (and us) that you're terrible and nothing helps, but you're also saying you MUST do this. There's no easy answer, or you'd have already done it, but you're annoyed at people pointing this out.

The only thing to do is keep going - your brain will build connections and small aspects of it will become easier until you can do simple routes safely.

Some places are easier to learn in than others btw! My husband failed his test many times in Stevenage - home of a million roundabouts and dual carriageways. We live in a suburban town with wide roads now and it was much easier for me! Location can make a big difference.

It seems as soon as I start to improve something happens and I either have to miss a lesson, or I have a bad week and then I lose focus. There's always something. But other people have bad weeks and it doesn't affect them. So why can't I do it? I'm actually starting to feel like I have no purpose in life, thats how bad this is making me feel.

Based on your responses here, you tend to jump to the most dramatic worst-case scenarios. You absolutely need an attitude change. No, you’ll never drive if you stay thinking like this. Yes, you absolutely can do it if you decide you are a “driver”

You're measuring success in life by whether you learn to drive.

It's a useful skill and that's why it's become such a big thing.

But I promise you, when you are old and grey and on your death bed, no one will say 'ChangedName was such a brilliant driver, wasn't she?' or 'If only she'd learned to drive'.

It feels massive because of the impact on your life right now. But it is not you!

I don't care what people say on my deathbed, I'm thinking about our situation now and it's not good.

This. And OP I’m not convinced you have the right instructor for you. This is so important. Would it be possible to find one who specialises in anxious/low confidence drivers? Maybe ask for recommendations on your local Facebook page?

It took me almost four years of weekly 2hr lessons to learn.

My first lesson covered pulling out from being parked on the left of an almost empty, wide street, and pulling in to the left again. I was really anxious and screamed (quietly!) a lot.

Progress was slow, obviously.

It took me 4 attempts to pass my test, over six months.

Once I'd passed my test (aged 38) I took myself off for short, familiar drives, with lots of pulling over and parking (used the easy streets I'd first learnt on). Talking myself through everything out loud. Had to really push myself to gradually go longer distances, and would be drenched in anxiety sweat every time.

About six months after having my own car I realised I was basically driving as normal without it being so terrifying. (Also realised that once I got over the fear of speed, motorway driving was easier/simpler than around town.) After a year I realised I was doing everything automatically and somewhere along the line it had just clicked. I kept my P plates on until this time.

Just explaining the timescale it took me.

You are doing so brilliantly with so much in your life, it's so sad that you can't see that. Not only a single mum, but both kids with additional needs, and yourself likely with undiagnosed additional challenges! You're managing so much so well every day. If you are neurodiverse yourself, you have likely spent a lifetime having people make out you're not doing well enough at one thing or another - this may explain the heartbreaking lack of confidence and the way you are beating yourself up for finding an incredibly difficult situation ... incredibly difficult.

I think going to local councillor, and failing that, MP, to sort SN transport is the best option. Many parents can't drive for various reasons so there has to be an option, and if there isn't they need to make one.

This will take the pressure off, and you can keep learning to drive in a more relaxed way, and get there in your own time.

I cannot stress how much I thought I wouldn't be able to learn, and how weird it was when I realised I was doing it!

Have you watched Scarlett’s Driving School on BBC iplayer? It’s about Scarlett Moffatt who took 13 year and 14 tests before she passed. Other people who have been learning a long time come to the school and 2 professional instructors watch them with a family member or friend and give lots of tips for driving and instructing. They often do pass after this help.

I think you need to enlist a friend to let you practice in their car (you pay for increase in insurance) between your lessons. My daughter is learning and her instructor said she should drive as much as possible with me or DH sitting in passenger seat. Practising is vital I think. Good luck with improving at driving. 🍀

to be honest, like many others here, I was just trying to be nice and say things to improve mindset.

if you’re not open to that literally the only other thing you can do is to keep having lessons. You should improve over time. Good luck.

Ah, living in London changes things. It’s a very difficult driving environment. Have you tried to learn anywhere else or have all your lessons been in London?

Honestly, it’s a bit frustrating listening to you say that you “must” learn this skill but also that you “can’t”. Something has to give. If you can’t learn then stay in London and give up on the idea of moving close to friends in a bad area for public transport.

OP an alternative perspective here. Think of solving the problem of transporting your children rather than thinking you driving is the only solution. Do your children have EHCPs and are you claiming/ applying for DLA for them? If they have EHCPs they will be eligible for school transport to their named school provided by the LA even if it is not a SEN specialist school. It may have annoying conditions attached e.g. someone needs to be at home as they leave and return abd having to have them ready quite earky with a long time window for drop off. My son was eligible for school transport to go to mainstream (not our closest) by this route. Even if you could drive you cannot be in both schools at once so at least one child is going to have to go on school transport/ a taxi. Have you looked at your "local offer" and made contact with the SEN transport? The DLA would provide money that can be used to cover the cost of taxi travel. Although the form is long and daunting you would get through it if you could dedicate 4 hours per week to it which you are currently spending on driving lessons. You can probably get more detailed advice on applying for EHCNA and DLA on the SEN chat.

They might have a point though. I stopped driving as I felt I was a danger on the roads due to my inability to process what was going on around me. How I ever passed my test (6th or 7th go) I’ll never know.