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AIBU?

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Original poster

I'm 43 and I can't learn to drive!! Feel useless

457 replies

ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 18:10

As per thread title, I'm now 43 and trying to learn to drive, but I just can't seem to manage it. I've been trying since my 20s and just cannot, no matter how hard I try, get my head around all the different things. I can't get my lane position right, my steering is terrible, my spacial awareness is virtually non existent. I've tried so many times and just given up. However, it has got to the point in my life where I NEED to be able to drive. I have two children who both have special needs. They will soon be going to different schools and it just won't be doable on public transport, we may in the near future have to move to an area where public transport is not great. I literally need to have my licence by this time next year at the absolute latest but I just can't see how this is going to happen. I feel like such a failure. Why is it other people can manage to learn and I can't? Am I just stupid? I feel like giving up but thats not an option at this stage. I'm failing my children. I need to do this but it's just not happening 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 10/05/2025 09:16

HAB75 · 10/05/2025 03:04

I know two people of unnaturally high intelligence amd attainment who can't drive. One has never got the hang of right and left - I won't say what she does for a living, but she is super important. The other, a man, is too frightened and he is a C-suite exec. Both have Oxbridge degrees. Then. I grew up with someone else - now a vicar - and she passed on her 23rd attempt. I am not making that up. a) That is just too expensive these days and would take over a decade to book all those tests. b) I'm very glad she doesn't live nearby, because I have a very strong belief she is still a nightmare on the road. No need at all to feel ashamed - it can't be for everyone, because nothing is.

But it isn't just about feeling ashamed, it's the fact that I literally NEED to do this, and I can't.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 10/05/2025 09:16

FairKoala · 10/05/2025 03:53

I am older and am a good driver but parallel parking is a huge issue for me still even though I passed a test years ago

I got car that parks for me.

Ds was in your position. He had so many lessons and his driving instructor actually told him driving might be something he couldn’t do

He stopped for years, then we bought him a very cheap, very old automatic and spent hours driving around empty car parks at night.
He now drives to and from work for hours at a time every single day. He hasn’t taken his test yet but his confidence has come to a point where he can see himself as a driver.

I think there are 3 points to master when driving a car

The operation of driving the vehicle

Processing what a sign says and doing it

And other road users and all are overcome with practice

Have you tried a weeks course where you are driving for hours per day. Even just to boost your hours and get used to daily driving Or asking your driving instructor to map out an easy route you can practice purely driving until you get used to the route and being behind the wheel. You can practice parking, reversing round a corner later

I think the pressure of needing to drive and the negative attitude you have got yourself into is making everything so much worse

Don beat yourself up.

Ask your driving instructor what is the main issue you have and see if you can just concentrate on that one issue

I can't do a week's course, I don't have childcare

OP posts:
IsitaHatOrACat · 10/05/2025 09:17

I've not read the whole thread but you are clearly very frustrated about the situation

Driving is difficult. Not everyone can do it. The reality is that you might not be able to pass a driving test.

The situation with your children must seem impossible however maybe you need to consider it the same as if you had a medical condition such as epilepsy and driving would not be an option.

We can't on here change your situation. Some situations are just really really hard. You need to speak to your children's schools, social care workers, local council and try and ask for help finding a solution to this.

Original poster
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 10/05/2025 09:18

Nomoreshopping · 10/05/2025 07:33

How do your children get to school currently op?

I know you are adamant there is no transport but that is unusual. My dc go to special schools in my area and there are 80 children who attend in taxis every day from miles around. All the different local authorities provide the transport.

It is hard I know. When my dc was waiting for a taxi to be arranged I had to take them and it was horrendous for various reasons and took up hours of my day. Is it realistic for you to take two children with special needs to two different schools each morning and then pick them up even if you could drive. My dc have behavioural difficulties so I absolutely couldn’t do that. They had a driver and a chaperone each.

It's not just about travelling to school. I need to be able to drive so I can give them a decent life.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 10/05/2025 09:22

IsitaHatOrACat · 10/05/2025 09:17

I've not read the whole thread but you are clearly very frustrated about the situation

Driving is difficult. Not everyone can do it. The reality is that you might not be able to pass a driving test.

The situation with your children must seem impossible however maybe you need to consider it the same as if you had a medical condition such as epilepsy and driving would not be an option.

We can't on here change your situation. Some situations are just really really hard. You need to speak to your children's schools, social care workers, local council and try and ask for help finding a solution to this.

Don't you think I've already tried that? There is literally no help out there. People think there is, but there really isn't.

OP posts:
MCCN · 10/05/2025 09:22

ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 23:00

They're almost 7 years apart so they will always be at different schools. Taxis aren't always available, there's been many a time when we've been left stuck because we weren't able to get one. My family and friends don't live nearby, they're not in a position to be able to help with this. School transport, despite what many on here seem to think, is not easy to get. It's not just a case as your children qualify just because they have SEN. It doesn't work that way. I'm running out of time and I need to learn to drive quickly, its as simple as that. I'm sure plenty of people with dyspraxia drive.

Show quote history

I'm sure plenty of people with dyspraxia do drive, but it'll depend on how severe their dyspraxia is. You've said you have virtually no spatial awareness, struggle to stay in lanes, panic at roundabouts, are bad at steering etc. That all sounds really difficult to me.

Can you imagine a time when you can confidently and safely drive your children to school in rush-hour traffic? It isn't just a question of passing your test. It's about being able to drive your children safely. If you think that will be possible for you, then you need to tell your instructor you MUST pass your test in six months and agree a plan of action with them. As others have said, lots of practice in a quiet/off-road spot with one of your relatives/friends may help with the steering & judging distances.

Have you taken any tests already? Perhaps ask your instructor to put you in for one ASAP as that'll give you feedback on your weaknesses. Most people don't pass first time.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 10/05/2025 09:23

ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 10/05/2025 09:16

But it isn't just about feeling ashamed, it's the fact that I literally NEED to do this, and I can't.

Show quote history

But you may not be literally PHYSICALLY CAPABLE of doing this. You must realise this is a distinct possibility.

Original poster
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 10/05/2025 09:23

MCCN · 10/05/2025 09:22

I'm sure plenty of people with dyspraxia do drive, but it'll depend on how severe their dyspraxia is. You've said you have virtually no spatial awareness, struggle to stay in lanes, panic at roundabouts, are bad at steering etc. That all sounds really difficult to me.

Can you imagine a time when you can confidently and safely drive your children to school in rush-hour traffic? It isn't just a question of passing your test. It's about being able to drive your children safely. If you think that will be possible for you, then you need to tell your instructor you MUST pass your test in six months and agree a plan of action with them. As others have said, lots of practice in a quiet/off-road spot with one of your relatives/friends may help with the steering & judging distances.

Have you taken any tests already? Perhaps ask your instructor to put you in for one ASAP as that'll give you feedback on your weaknesses. Most people don't pass first time.

Show quote history

My instructor claims everyone he teaches passes the first time

OP posts:
MCCN · 10/05/2025 09:25

Excellent, so ask him when you can do your test then.

MrsMoastyToasty · 10/05/2025 09:26

You CAN learn to drive. You just don't want to learn ENOUGH. Change your mindset. Go into your lessons saying "I can do this, I need to do this " , not "I can't do this ".
Do it for your family. Imagine having one of your DC having an accident and needing to go to hospital. If you can drive you wouldn't need to wait for an ambulance or taxi.
Can you dance? Driving is much like dancing. A series of coordinated moves whilst avoiding the other "dancers ".

Original poster
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 10/05/2025 09:26

MemorableTrenchcoat · 10/05/2025 09:23

But you may not be literally PHYSICALLY CAPABLE of doing this. You must realise this is a distinct possibility.

Show quote history

Not an option for me. I feel bad enough that I can't give my children the life they deserve. I would say of i can't do this maybe I should allow them to go and live with somebody who can, but there us nobody. So I have no other choice but to do it. Somehow. Something eventually has to click in my brain and get it to work.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 10/05/2025 09:28

MrsMoastyToasty · 10/05/2025 09:26

You CAN learn to drive. You just don't want to learn ENOUGH. Change your mindset. Go into your lessons saying "I can do this, I need to do this " , not "I can't do this ".
Do it for your family. Imagine having one of your DC having an accident and needing to go to hospital. If you can drive you wouldn't need to wait for an ambulance or taxi.
Can you dance? Driving is much like dancing. A series of coordinated moves whilst avoiding the other "dancers ".

I was going into lessons with that mindset until last week. Nothing has changed

OP posts:
maximalistmaximus · 10/05/2025 09:30

You need a lot more practice time.

4 hours is nowhere near enough.

i had no access to non instructor practice so I did 2 hour lessons 3 or 4 times a week. This still took months.

Nomoreshopping · 10/05/2025 09:31

You say in your op you need to pass your test within the next year. That gives you time but if you fail you will need a plan b for the schools.

How do the children get to school now?

MemorableTrenchcoat · 10/05/2025 09:34

ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 10/05/2025 09:26

Not an option for me. I feel bad enough that I can't give my children the life they deserve. I would say of i can't do this maybe I should allow them to go and live with somebody who can, but there us nobody. So I have no other choice but to do it. Somehow. Something eventually has to click in my brain and get it to work.

Show quote history

Of course it’s an option. Anyone can be afflicted at any time with a condition that prevents them from operating heavy machinery, including a car. They don’t break the law and continue driving, they do something else. Now, it may be that you can learn to drive with enough practice, but it may also be that you can’t. Like any skill, driving is not something that literally every human being on the planet has the capacity to master. There is no getting around that fact.

Original poster
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 10/05/2025 09:36

MemorableTrenchcoat · 10/05/2025 09:34

Of course it’s an option. Anyone can be afflicted at any time with a condition that prevents them from operating heavy machinery, including a car. They don’t break the law and continue driving, they do something else. Now, it may be that you can learn to drive with enough practice, but it may also be that you can’t. Like any skill, driving is not something that literally every human being on the planet has the capacity to master. There is no getting around that fact.

Show quote history

Easy to say its an option when you aren't in my situation

OP posts:
PersonalBest · 10/05/2025 09:39

My husband is very very bright. He took 5 attempts to pass his test, and is a very poor driver. He us clumsy generally, and I think he may be dyspraxic. Nothing to do with intelligence.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 10/05/2025 09:40

ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 10/05/2025 09:36

Easy to say its an option when you aren't in my situation

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Pethaps, but it is an option. Hypothetically, let’s say you went to the GP on Monday, and they diagnosed you with a condition which meant, legally, you could never drive. Would you reply that that wasn’t an option?

Letstheriveranswer · 10/05/2025 09:41

QuartzIlikeit · 09/05/2025 18:30

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you just might not be able to learn. I know 2 people who genuinely can't manage to learn to drive as they have zero spatial awareness and cannot manage to do more than 1 thing at once in a car.

They are both not thick (using your words), have good careers, manage multiple people at work, have families etc but cannot for the life of them master driving not matter how desperate they are to do so.

I think that some people are just not able to 'get it' and it has nothing to do with being thick- just your brain & body work in a way that's not suited to driving.

You've said you've had lots of lessons, in an automatic car, have had different instructors etc but still can't manage it. It may be time to accept that it's isn't going to happen for you & make alternative arrangements.

I know it sucks, but sometimes you do have to accept your limitations. Sorry.

This.
If your brain and body just don't work in that way it's better to accept that. That's far better than being on the road and driving so badly you aren't safe.

I was behind someone yesterday who almost reversed into me twice at the drive thru because she went into reverse instead of 1st. Then left 10 feet between her and the next car in front of her so I couldn't get to the window to pay. Then took roundabouts at odd lines that gave the wrong impression of which easy she was going (no indicators of course). Was too close to the kerb at times and then would veer at an angle to correct and ended up too close to the white lines. Doing 28 in a long stretch of 40 (I couldn't overtake). She really shouldn't have been on the road.

I also have friends who can't drive, they just accepted they couldn't and find ways to get around it.

Cars are pretty expensive to run, I run a relatively cheap one, but it's still £300 a month all in including the loan, insurance and 1 tank of petrol per month.

I have often thought that, for that money I could just take taxis to where I need to go and cycle into town. I live semi rurally though so the car does win on convenience, just about.

PersonalBest · 10/05/2025 09:42

Can you plan for a non driving life, move house for example?

Original poster
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 10/05/2025 09:42

MemorableTrenchcoat · 10/05/2025 09:40

Pethaps, but it is an option. Hypothetically, let’s say you went to the GP on Monday, and they diagnosed you with a condition which meant, legally, you could never drive. Would you reply that that wasn’t an option?

Show quote history

Then I would have to accept that I'm not a suitable mother and try to make alternative living arrangements for my children.

OP posts:
LoafofSellotape · 10/05/2025 09:43

ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 10/05/2025 09:16

But it isn't just about feeling ashamed, it's the fact that I literally NEED to do this, and I can't.

Show quote history

Therefore you need to find a solution to getting your kids to school because learning to drive clearly isn't something that will happen quickly. Even if you get to the point of being test standard then there is a huge wait for tests, people are waiting months for them.

Continue learning but sink your energy into solving the practical issues around getting your kids to school, you might well have to look into moving.

Noideaaboutcats · 10/05/2025 09:43

Do you think you’ve got stuck in a cycle OP? Like your brain is now convinced you can’t do it. I would maybe…
*try guided mediations on YouTube (you are a calm confident driver on repeat can help honestly!)
*find a new instructor and start a fresh. Don’t tell them your history.
*If you’ve passed your theory book a driving test so you’ve something to work towards.

your driving instructor saying everyone he teaches first time sounds a bit silly…I didn’t pass til my 3rd time due to nerves so just messed up silly things, by the 3rd time I was convinced I’d fail again and was so relaxed about it I passed easily. Don’t forget to breathe and drop your shoulders, it sounds so silly but it is so important to just relax, good luck x

MemorableTrenchcoat · 10/05/2025 09:44

ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 10/05/2025 09:42

Then I would have to accept that I'm not a suitable mother and try to make alternative living arrangements for my children.

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Now you’re being ridiculous.

Letstheriveranswer · 10/05/2025 09:44

ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 19:22

Is hypnotherapy expensive?

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Not as expensive as 4 hours of driving lessons a week!