I'm 43 and I can't learn to drive!! Feel useless

[ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed]

As per thread title, I'm now 43 and trying to learn to drive, but I just can't seem to manage it. I've been trying since my 20s and just cannot, no matter how hard I try, get my head around all the different things. I can't get my lane position right, my steering is terrible, my spacial awareness is virtually non existent. I've tried so many times and just given up. However, it has got to the point in my life where I NEED to be able to drive. I have two children who both have special needs. They will soon be going to different schools and it just won't be doable on public transport, we may in the near future have to move to an area where public transport is not great. I literally need to have my licence by this time next year at the absolute latest but I just can't see how this is going to happen. I feel like such a failure. Why is it other people can manage to learn and I can't? Am I just stupid? I feel like giving up but thats not an option at this stage. I'm failing my children. I need to do this but it's just not happening 😢

Are you an overthinker?
People who are find it most difficult to learn.

What you need is a really good, patient instructor who is recommended by others who really struggled (their will be loads of them).

May I suggest a list so that you can monitor progress and gain confidence as you progress through it.

Get an experienced instructor to even help with it.

1. Rules of the road - speeds, signage etc
2. Cars Controls - mirrors, gears, break, accelerator, cutch
3. Mirrors & Observation - which is best mirrors for which purpose, indicators - how & timing
4. Stop/Start - starting, stopping, accelerating
5. Reversing - starting, topping, accelerating
6. Turning - right turns, left turns, 3 point turns
7. Hill starts
8. Speed & Progression
9. Entering Roads - pulling out, joining lanes, merging lanes
10. Obstacles & Observation - reacting to hazards, overtaking, emergency breaking
11. Parking - drive in, reverse, parrellel

Your own goal should - am I improving? It doesn't matter if it's slowly - progress is progress.

I'm sure I've left stuff out but perhaps it's trying to get to the end result rather than slowly building up the skills that is causing the main problem.

You wouldn't try running a marathon without first getting a basis level of fitness, then 5ks, 10ks, half marathon etc. Stop being so hard on yourself.

Put a plan B in place too i.e. if I don't pass, I will use bus, taxi etc - this will take the pressure off and make it easier to learn at the best pace for you.

Built in practice time too. I think it was 2 years after I passed that I actually became a good driver. It's the consistency and build up of hours and regular practice. Learning in a 2 hour period without practice those skills before the next lesson will put you at a disadvantage. If practice isn't possible, then give yourself leniency that your progression will be slower.

Seek strong recommendations for instructors in your area from people who really struggled too. Also try and find a good match/person you gel with - do you need a tough love instructor or a softer approach, does age or gender of the person?

How do you typically learn? In school, or at work? Some people work better reading this, others visually, others orally, others in practice/repeating what thry have just been shown? Again - try to determine which is best for you and then see if videos or audio etc.

You want to learn, there's no reason why it shouldn't be possible, you just haven't found a way and an instructor that works best for you yet.

You will get there. Pressure, especially self pressure and overthinking are the biggest barriers.

Apologies- far longer than intended!

Some of the YouTube channels I found helpful were:
-DGN Driving
-Driving school TV
-Clearview Driving
-Conquer Driving
I honestly didn't understand driving until I started watching them.

It doesn’t like you have a good instructor or one suited to you. Don’t they talk about your progress and your goals for the lesson or where you’re at for being test ready?
Having the right instructor changes everything

i passed my fifth time when i was 32-didnt think i could do it was always petrifeid-the right teacher makes a massive difference

there is no trick or anything you just start feeling compfrtable doing it

You are in a very stressful position trying to balance the needs of where to live and being able to get your children to their schools. It does sound as though you might have dyspraxia reading about your spatial awareness problem, not being able to make lane changes easily. You should contact your GP to ask about a referral to an occupational therapist, because this will be vital to know if you have dyspraxia. Do you have trouble with walking into things, bumping into people, trouble with fine motor skills, people joke you are clumsy etc? Those fit symptoms of dyspraxia and I have asked for a referral myself and I could never drive. My sense of direction is horrific. With regards to your children and transportation to school, could they not qualify for help from your local council to be taken to and from school? In my area I have seen special transport buses that collect and drop off children with special needs. Taxi companies also have contracts to transport children to and from school with an adult who is in the taxi to collect and drop off the child/ren for their safety. You should enquire about this to see if your children could qualify for help getting to and from school. If you do have dyspraxia and been trying to learn to drive since your 20s then it doesn't seem highly likely you will pass. People also need to declare a learning disability that can affect your ability to drive safely or be fined £1,000 and sorry to say, you don't sound like you'd be a safe driver.

I'm not going to tell you that anyone can learn to drive, because it isn't true. Plenty of people can't, even those with loads of money, including J K Rowling (due to lack of spatial awareness), David Mitchell, Ed Sheeran, Ricky Gervais, Jennifer Lopez etc.

My friend with dyspaxia chose not to learn because he thought he would be a risk to other people - he isn't always sure of left and right; can't judge speed; can't process information quickly; can't judge time passing; can't follow a straight line etc.

If you have genuinely been taking lessons for as long as you say you have and are still panicking at roundabouts, then perhaps this isn't something you can learn.

How long will your DCs be at different schools? Could one of your family/friends drive one of them and you go on public transport with the other? Speak to a local taxi firm to see how much a regular arrangement would cost - it might not be as much as running a car anyway. Have you spoken to the schools about the situation you're in? They might possibly have some suggestions. Maybe another parent at the school could drive one of yours if you pay them?

I had the same problems as you & then discovered that my eyesight is so bad, even with glasses, that I'd never get behind the wheel of the car, let alone pass the test. I too was a single parent. I just had to work it out. Sorry not to give more encouraging news but some of us just can't! I was relieved in some ways because I hated driving tbh. Hope you can sort something out xx

I have passed my test but i cant drive anywhere with multiple lanes. I think I have dispraxia. I would suggest arranging your life so you dont need to drive. Get SEN transport for your kids and live in an area with decent public transport.

There is a hypnotherapist who has a programme called Roads to Success if you happen to be in the Southwest.

For what it’s worth I don’t think manual v automatic car is the big cure all that people think. It’s only one small aspect of driving. It took me many years and different instructors amd lessons to pass my test and changing gears was not the issue.

They're almost 7 years apart so they will always be at different schools. Taxis aren't always available, there's been many a time when we've been left stuck because we weren't able to get one. My family and friends don't live nearby, they're not in a position to be able to help with this. School transport, despite what many on here seem to think, is not easy to get. It's not just a case as your children qualify just because they have SEN. It doesn't work that way. I'm running out of time and I need to learn to drive quickly, its as simple as that. I'm sure plenty of people with dyspraxia drive.

It's not that simple. You can't just "get SEN transport" that's not how it works.

I would suggest, as you can’t get out with anyone apart from your driving instructor, to utilise YouTube videos. When I was learning I watched Conquerdriving and DriveLondon videos. Conquer Driving is lessons by this really nice guy on all areas of driving to pass your test. Drive London is mock tests with people, highlighting where they go wrong and either fail or pass.

I found watching videos fantastic. For me, they were almost as good as having a lesson. I would watch a couple of hours of videos and go off to my lesson feeling much more confident.

I think you should persevere, but supplement driving lessons with watching lots and lots of online lessons (which you can watch again and again until you have grasped the message!) and mock test videos. Good luck!

I knew someone with similar problems who got over them by using a driving computer simulation. I think she had to buy a joystick and the program, but that was all. She was able to practise for hours and hours by herself under relaxed conditions between lessons, and it made all the difference.

I know two people of unnaturally high intelligence amd attainment who can't drive. One has never got the hang of right and left - I won't say what she does for a living, but she is super important. The other, a man, is too frightened and he is a C-suite exec. Both have Oxbridge degrees. Then. I grew up with someone else - now a vicar - and she passed on her 23rd attempt. I am not making that up. a) That is just too expensive these days and would take over a decade to book all those tests. b) I'm very glad she doesn't live nearby, because I have a very strong belief she is still a nightmare on the road. No need at all to feel ashamed - it can't be for everyone, because nothing is.

I am older and am a good driver but parallel parking is a huge issue for me still even though I passed a test years ago

I got car that parks for me.

Ds was in your position. He had so many lessons and his driving instructor actually told him driving might be something he couldn’t do

He stopped for years, then we bought him a very cheap, very old automatic and spent hours driving around empty car parks at night.
He now drives to and from work for hours at a time every single day. He hasn’t taken his test yet but his confidence has come to a point where he can see himself as a driver.

I think there are 3 points to master when driving a car

The operation of driving the vehicle

Processing what a sign says and doing it

And other road users and all are overcome with practice

Have you tried a weeks course where you are driving for hours per day. Even just to boost your hours and get used to daily driving Or asking your driving instructor to map out an easy route you can practice purely driving until you get used to the route and being behind the wheel. You can practice parking, reversing round a corner later

I think the pressure of needing to drive and the negative attitude you have got yourself into is making everything so much worse

Don beat yourself up.

Ask your driving instructor what is the main issue you have and see if you can just concentrate on that one issue

I agree with @FairKoala . You need to drive somewhere that stuffing up isn't an issue.

I was lucky to grow up on a really big farm. Lots of private roads. The farm was great as, if you got something wrong, you could just go into a paddock and it worked like an arrester bed. The cars were bush bashers so a dint was a non issue. We drove so many hours that, by the time we could get our licence, we did a couple of lessons for city driving and were good to go.

Reflecting on my driving journey, if I were you, I'd take the pressure off yourself. Try fanging around a go cart track for a bit so you can practise your steering, speed, driving lines and braking with no issues if you get it wrong. Confidence at the basics ie stop, go, direction, mean you don't have to think about that in your lessons, at which point you could resume lessons in a car.

A friend has a child at a special sen school, and the council pay for a taxi each way for her. Is this an option where you live?

How do your children get to school currently op?

I know you are adamant there is no transport but that is unusual. My dc go to special schools in my area and there are 80 children who attend in taxis every day from miles around. All the different local authorities provide the transport.

It is hard I know. When my dc was waiting for a taxi to be arranged I had to take them and it was horrendous for various reasons and took up hours of my day. Is it realistic for you to take two children with special needs to two different schools each morning and then pick them up even if you could drive. My dc have behavioural difficulties so I absolutely couldn’t do that. They had a driver and a chaperone each.

How is your son driving to and from work if he hasn’t passed his test?

I used to drive to and from work every day when I was learning as DH and I worked at the same place. It was good practice.

Hey OP

On the off chance that it helps - I was struggling to learn to drive for a few years and failed my test a number of times. It was mainly anxiety but it also felt like there was some kind of processing thing going on. At some point I was playing a lot of mainly driving computer games and I swear that did something helpful to my brain, and I managed to get my head round it. Could have been total coincidence but you never know.

I also have SEN kids and think I'm likely ND.

Otherwise I was mainly coming on to say the cost of running a car is so high that taxis/Uber probably isn't that expensive in comparison. But I see you're saying that's not a realistic possibility for you.

Based on my previous post this makes a lot of sense to me! Definitely worth a try I reckon (and probably more helpful than Mariokart!).

I can’t drive - tries so many times then gave up and I rely on dh and Ubers! (Can’t use public transport either or work due to certain difficulties). I used to feel awful about it as it’s expected that most people can do certain key things.

I think there’s more to this than just you. I think your instructors just aren’t very good!!! You’ve mentioned a few times it seems like they just take you out and expect you to “get it”. I’m ND and found I couldn’t “get it” from just time in the car. I needed someone to break down the concepts more technically so I really understood before I started to be able to actually do it in the car.

So for spatial awareness he explained lots about how your brain judges distance and how moving at speed impacts that and gave me some ideas of reference points to use. We stayed away from things like roundabouts and just pootled round housing estates and side roads until I was able to grasp the positioning of the car in the road and it became more automatic.

Then we moved on to roundabouts. He had toy cars and laminated sheets in the car and would pull us over and use these to talk through different scenarios that might happen, different roundabout set ups and when I should or shouldn’t react etc. Seeing him move the cars round the sheet from a birds eye view was what made me understand roundabouts in a way that just driving up to one wouldn’t. Same with complex junctions, parking etc.

Then we did exercises to work on how far down the road I was watching and talking about techniques you can use to scan the road, check for hazards etc.

It took me over 100 hours of lessons and even more practice with my parents, even when I was 17 but it really worked for me. It shocked me that some of my friend’s instructors didn’t teach in this way and essentially just took them out driving and assumed they would pick it up. My brain would never ever have picked it up without all that time pulled over, explaining technical stuff, why the brain works in certain ways etc and helping me to fully understand, not just “do”.

4 hours a week wasn't enough for me. God knows how much money I sank into lessons. I had my father in law take me out in the car every other day for 2 hours plus. I finally passed 4th time and have now been driving for 12 years, no accidents.