I'm 43 and I can't learn to drive!! Feel useless

[ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed]

As per thread title, I'm now 43 and trying to learn to drive, but I just can't seem to manage it. I've been trying since my 20s and just cannot, no matter how hard I try, get my head around all the different things. I can't get my lane position right, my steering is terrible, my spacial awareness is virtually non existent. I've tried so many times and just given up. However, it has got to the point in my life where I NEED to be able to drive. I have two children who both have special needs. They will soon be going to different schools and it just won't be doable on public transport, we may in the near future have to move to an area where public transport is not great. I literally need to have my licence by this time next year at the absolute latest but I just can't see how this is going to happen. I feel like such a failure. Why is it other people can manage to learn and I can't? Am I just stupid? I feel like giving up but thats not an option at this stage. I'm failing my children. I need to do this but it's just not happening 😢

What exactly was it that "clicked" in your brain and made you focus?

OP you say that 'we may in the near future have to move to an area where public transport is not great', can I ask why you would NEED to move to an area like this? Surely if you have to move, you can move where you like, to some degree, so why would you chose to move somewhere where there is no public transport to speak of?

Also, I have to say, that I have NEVER in all my life, and I'm in my 60's, met such a 'Negative Nellie' as you are. Everything anyone suggests, you respond with 'I can't do that', and I mean EVERYTHING! You really do need to change your mindset to have a hope in hell of passing your driving test, people have suggested all sorts of solutions to this, but every time, you say, 'I can't do that'.

The fact that you have two children with special needs, that will need to go to different schools, means that it is highly unlikely that you would be able to take them both, and arrive on time, even if you were the best driver in the world. So I think you need to focus at this point on how you CAN achieve this. There must be other people in your situation who have two kids, that start at the same time, but at different schools, how do they manage? The state can't tell you that your children MUST go to school, and then not provide transport, so in spite of the fact that you say they won't do that for you, I think you are wrong, and just haven't spoken to the right people. However, if you believe, having checked again, that transport won't be provided, then I suggest you email your MP, and ask them for help. Another place to ask for help would be Citizen's Advice. I feel sure that they will help you get the support that you need.

Once you've found a way of getting the kids to school, then, and only than, you can think about learning to drive again, and hopefully with the attitude of 'I CAN DO THIS'.

Sorry if you think I'm being harsh OP, but you really do have to get a grip on the situation, and this negative attitude definitely won't help.

Everyone thinks you can get local authority transport just because your child has SEN but in reality that's not how it works. Only other SEN parents understand this.

I know it may seem like I'm just being negative for the sake of it, but I'm not. Everything I've said I can't do, there's a REASON why.

Why do you think most people have people helping them? That’s certainly not the case at all. Most of us just have to get on with things ourselves and shape our lives around what’s possible within our circumstances.

Read my other replies and you'll see why. I know not everyone does, but most people do, and professionals all expect you to.

Beta blockers to help with the adrenaline and panic. I can drove but hate it, it sends me into a nervous state. If I take beta blockers (low dose) it stops the heart racing/stomach fluttering/adrenaline sensations which gives me just enough capacity to focus on the actual task.

Can't they only be prescribed to people with high blood pressure?

OP, SEN transport is usually available if the journey is over 3 miles and it is the only school who can meet need.
Obviously, if there is a closer school who claim they can meet need, then the LA won't pay potentially hundreds of pounds a week for transport to a school of your choice.
My DC is SEN and I can drive, yet transport is provided because of these 2 criteria being met!
If you can secure transport for the DC, that will take the pressure off a little with needing to learn to drive ASAP.

No! Of course you can do it via Zoom. It works exactly the same.

And no antidepressants don’t work like that. Once you get used to them in a couple ofe weeks they are designed to quell anxieties.

You don’t seem to be responding to people offering information and advice about help with transport to school (apart from to say you can’t get any). Is there a reason it can’t be provided? Does the SEN not meet requirements? Has a closer school been offered? For example, my friend’s daughter has dyslexia (so is considered an SEN pupil) but does not need help with transport so would not qualify for this.

OP, how many tests have you taken? You might be a better driver than you believe.

There's lots of reasons why. Not meeting the criteria, the bar is set very high. Cuts to funding, lack of resources and so on. Its literally not as easy as people think.

None, I can't even get to the point where I'm good enough to take the test.

Can you close your eyes and visualise that you're in the car, can you see the steering wheel and parking brake, wipers and the like? Have you got a car to sit in and practise without driving anywhere? This would help you build up a permanent picture of the car as you do alot of moves without taking your eyes off the road.

I've poor spatial awareness and have to look at the road markings at times to make sure my road placement isn't off. I don't have a good imprint of left and right so have to use memory tricks with my watch or ring. I hate changing cars as I have to relearn the movements required. I don't parallel park out of choice and select a space that matches my parking skills.

I think the pressure might be making it harder for you. You will learn, can you afford a small automatic car like a Micra or Clio? I empathise with you having very little help to do this but you need to take a deep breath and stop berating yourself after each lesson, sometimes you can't do everything perfectly when you start driving and that doesn't matter. If you make it out and back safely you're on your way to being proficient.

So their SEN doesn’t qualify them for help with transport to school? Is that what you mean by not meeting the requirement? SEN is such a large umbrella term that it’s hard to know what level of needs people are talking about.

It must be a processing/multi tasking thing. If you were in the car and the town was completely empty and you knew no one would be there could you drive the vehicle, do the roundabouts etc? I could drive easy peasy if I was in a deserted town, I fall apart when I have to add others into the equation. I think I worried too much about other drivers and how they perceived me. I got honked at once when driving alone and it devastated me as it reinforced I was still doing it all wrong.

No. You can take them for anxiety. As long as you don’t have any contraindications like asthma.

I think possibly that might make a difference, as it would take a lot of the pressure off. I just wish there was a way I could do lessons in the evenings when the roads are less busy.

They're autistic. I don't know why they don't meet the criteria for transport, they've just told me they don't. The youngest doesn't even have an EHCP yet, that's in process. But taking them to school isn't the only issue here. It's just one part of it.

Opt for a young instructor. I’m based part-time in London so opted to learn in the city I went with a young good looking, very bad boy turned good type of instructor. My first lesson we went on the very busy Holland Park roundabout, he always pushed me outside my comfort zone. The examiner isn’t marking you on whether you can drive (they know you can drive as you wouldn’t be in the test centre), they are marking whether you are safe on the road. It did help that my instructor used to be an examiner. I passed within 6 months.

I don’t really see how a young instructor would be helpful in situations like OPs. IMO You need someone older and more experienced and knowledgeable of all sorts of different people and their needs. It’s also important they go at a learners’ pace and not push them out of their comfort zone too much when it comes to driving anxiety as it can make the situation 10 times worse, and in the end people can’t work out why they aren’t learning and it’s because they’re anxious but they don’t recognise it as it has become a normal state.

What about early Sunday morning? It’s difficult when you don’t have child care isn’t it!

That would be ideal, but unfortunately not possible

My current instructor is fairly young, early 30s at the most. It's not really made much difference, if anything it's made me feel worse. At one point he made me switch sides so he could demonstrate what I was doing, and it made me feel like absolute crap.

To be honest, OP, from your description, he sounds a bit useless. Why isn’t he giving you any tips? Why has he not suggested stickers or anything to help with you with your major struggles? Once you get over one thing, then you can focus on other things and it should all slot in after that.

Is he talking to you while you’re driving? Telling you when to start breaking etc and identifying hazards with you, or suggesting you commentate to yourself? The things you’re struggling with aren’t abnormal, it just seems like you’re getting overwhelmed and you need to be more strategic in your learning.

You also need to speak up to him if you’re struggling with a skill so you can work on a specific skill and go back to basics. A specialist instructor would may definitely be more able to help, but don’t be afraid to speak up and tell an instructor you need to spend more time doing xyz.