I'm 43 and I can't learn to drive!! Feel useless

[ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed]

As per thread title, I'm now 43 and trying to learn to drive, but I just can't seem to manage it. I've been trying since my 20s and just cannot, no matter how hard I try, get my head around all the different things. I can't get my lane position right, my steering is terrible, my spacial awareness is virtually non existent. I've tried so many times and just given up. However, it has got to the point in my life where I NEED to be able to drive. I have two children who both have special needs. They will soon be going to different schools and it just won't be doable on public transport, we may in the near future have to move to an area where public transport is not great. I literally need to have my licence by this time next year at the absolute latest but I just can't see how this is going to happen. I feel like such a failure. Why is it other people can manage to learn and I can't? Am I just stupid? I feel like giving up but thats not an option at this stage. I'm failing my children. I need to do this but it's just not happening 😢

Well I'll have to take a break when the 6 week holiday comes up anyway as I won't have childcare. However that doesn't give me time to get any therapy because of the childcare issues I have

I haven't read all the thread however I had 6 tests over 5 years before I passed. What helped me was doing a week long intensive driving course. The exposure every day for a week was enough! I think I am probably dispraxic and still struggle with left/ right hand and spatial awareness but have been driving now for nearly 20 years. I would really recommend the investment in a week long intensive course. Good luck, I think if I can do it so can you!

The area we want to move to has better SEN provision than where we currently are. But it's an area where driving is necessary.

Well it does. I do mine in the evening after they are in bed. You need to start seeing solutions rather than dead ends. Could you be depressed or anxious? I found antidepressants life savers to help a negative mindset

Can't do a week, I don't have childcare

Don't you have to go somewhere to have the therapy though? What do they actually do? Won't antidepressants affect my driving ability even more? Or make me feel even worse? Some people say they can, I'm a bit scared to ask my GP about it.

My mum really struggled to learn to drive.

Whst helped in the end was going to an under 17 driving school that’s on an old airfield.

So basically not learning on real roads which took the pressure off.

Her instructor also just focused on nailing one thing at a time. For example 3 point turns or parallel parking again and again and again until she cracked it before moving on to the next skill.

Once she had all the basics down she went back on public roads and was able to concentrate on other traffic rather than the individual skills iyswim such as being nervous at how to deal with a roundabout.

She’s a really good driver now and even happy on the motorway which is something she thought she’d never do.

Might be worth seeing if you have any local driving schools that use private roads/land?

Where is the driving school your mum used?

OP, I completely sympathise. I am 38 and I have tried so hard. I've also been having lessons on and off for 20 years. I have had a total of FIVE different instructors, I've owned three cars, and I am on the insurance for our family car which my husband drives and has often taken me out in, for practice.
I just CAN'T do it. I've even had instructors tell me I'll probably never do it.
I know I'm not thick, I'm educated, I mange other people, I've raised a family. I'm a competent adult in all other areas of my life but I just cannot for the life of me learn to drive, my brain just does not work that way.
My best friend has a PHD and cannot drive either.
So please, please don't think it's because you're thick, you're not. I know plenty of thick people who can drive 😆we just all work differently, that's all.

I know it's embarrassing, I try and hide it from everyone for as long as I can because I know what they are thinking. That I am stupid, or immature or poor. I am none of these things.
I could judge them if I wanted to because none of them would be able to be self sufficient for more than five minutes without their cars, but I have learned how to get myself about without relying on a vehicle.

https://www.youngdriver.eu/venues/northern/elvington. She used this one. But I think there are lots around the country if you google under 17 driving schools.

There really isn’t a simple solution that every driver knows which will suddenly make everything click for you. It seems as though you want someone to say, “Just do XYZ and you will magically pass your test.” It doesn’t work that way. Like most skills, driving involves repetition and learning particular patterns, as well as being prepared for the unexpected.

If spatial awareness is your main stumbling block, look up videos that address this issue. It may seem silly, but you can also use the same ideas whenever you are walking, to get used to the idea of adjusting to obstacles and other objects around you. It’s something we all do naturally when on foot, so if you become conscious of how it feels and how you make adjustments while walking, it could be transferable to driving.

Also an intensive course could be very helpful. Can you book some time off work and arrange a course while your children are at school? Then you wouldn’t need childcare.

How many tests have you taken so far? What has the feedback been?

How old are your children? I think you said they are 7 years apart? Is the elder child at secondary school yet?

Ok at least you tried. Just because you don’t drive doesn’t mean your children will be better off with someone else. I’m a single mother and don’t drive for the exact same reasons you struggle. I can empathise totally because it makes you feel like something is wrong with you when everyone else seems to manage and there are seventeen year olds driving. I do get it. I did eventually pass, without extra practice outside of lessons. I didn’t carry on driving as I didn’t really need to and we live somewhere it’s possible to not drive. But the point is, I was the world's worst, most anxious driver, constantly talking and wittering on in my lessons because I was so nervous but I did pass eventually. I took my first driving lessons at 21 but kept giving up and starting again, never getting the hang of it. I finally passed at 38. I really do feel for you but you sound like a great mum not a failed mum.

That's very kind of you to say that, but I just don't feel like one. I really don't. Every time I come up with a plan it all goes wrong.

Not yet, they start next year. This is why I need to get it sorted now. I don't work due to my children's disabilities, employers just can't accommodate that. Thats another problem. I want to work. If I had a driving licence I could set up my own business but I'm limited without one. I've never taken a test, I've never even been able to get the stage where I can.

OP I think you need to cut yourself some slack here.

Driving is a skill that some people find harder to acquire than others.

I found learning easy, but as per my pp my mum found it hard and she too was upset that she couldn’t do in her 40’s what I did at 17.

Thing is she had (still has) loads of other skills that I simply can’t seem to crack for example she’s brilliant at knitting and sewing - basically all crafts and I’m bloody useless 😂

Finding driving hard does not make you a crap person or crap mum.

I admire your resilience in keeping trying and think it speaks volumes about how good a mum you are to keep plugging away at this.

Ive had a quick google and there are under 17 driving locations in London so maybe this is worth a shot?

For my mum it made a big difference in taking the pressure off and anxiety of being on public roads so she could just concentrate on learning to drive and not about traffic management until she was confident that she had the driving skills bit nailed.

It sounds like you've completely lost hope and I can see why but please don't think like this. Your children would absolutely not be better off without you just because you can't drive. I know SEN transport isn't easy to get but in your situation your children should be a priority and for now I'd put all your energy in to getting that in place.

As for the driving you have a few options:

1. Hypnotherapy
2. Intensive course when the kids are at school
3. Accepting it won't happen and get taxis everywhere

Also I do think if the hypnotherapy doesn't work then you should think about pursuing a diagnosis of some sort, maybe dyspraxia or visual processing issues.

I really feel for you, as you seem so discouraged. I don’t know if it will help, but do you narrate aloud as you are driving? It can be useful to focus your concentration and your driving instructor can interject where you’re going wrong (e.g., look in this direction first or turn the wheel this way or whatever). You can also narrate your way through a test when you reach that point.

I’ve been driving for 20+ years and my spatial awareness isn’t great. I avoid parallel parking whenever possible! If that is your main concern, is your instructor aware of that? If it’s more of a mental block, I agree with PPs that hypnotherapy is worth investigating.

Please dont think you are"thick" .Your brain is wired differently is all.I learnt to drive when I was in my 20s, couldnt get the hang of it at all. I passed in my 30s with a lovely girl of about my age ,just like going out with a friend .Lots of laughs but finger on the pulse when it mattered .Also automatic car made all the difference and my friend came with me on practise as well.Maybe see if you can practise with a chum or relative .Also if you dont feel comfortable with someone move on (bit like dating really!)

Have you tried every instructor in your area OP? I was in exactly your situation- tried for decades, so many instructors, so many fails- really, really bad fails (examiners stopping the tests earlier) instructors starting off saying everyone can pass then losing hope in me etc. Same as you i had to really knuckle down and commit to conquering the problem when I became a mum. And same as you I'm likely ND. I felt like a truly hopeless case and was incredibly ashamed of it until I FINALLY found the right instructor who understood how my brain worked. He was my eighth one. Don't carry on with your current one if there are any others you haven't tried. It's all about the right instructor. I'm still not a good driver and my license is automatic only but I can do it now and it's amazing. You will get there.

I cant drive i did do a lesson once and had road rage but for the safety of others i didnt go back,
Im better with the bus or a train.

I know exactly how you feel. I accepted that, for whatever reasons, my brain just doesn’t work that way. It just can’t cope with all the multitasking that driving requires and I have poor spacial awareness (walking into table corners and door architraves is testament to that). I can’t follow choreography either. I’m not ND (I’ve done a million online tests and am nowhere near).

When I toddled off to my first driving lesson at 21 it never occurred to me it would be a challenge. I envisaged taking some lessons, taking a test and off I pop driving around happily. What a shock it was to me to find I might as well have been in a jet cockpit and told to fly. I have never improved since then (though managed to eventually pass). Driving just wasn’t for me. Over the years I’ve even had nightmares where I’m driving but can’t control the car, which would set me back even further.

I have not parallell parked ever ! Passed test reversing round corners .Roundabouts arent my strong point either .TBH my DH does the heavy stint of motorways and so on . Could you get a Taxi ? I thought that SEN children were catered for by the Council .

I've had those exact same nightmares which probably doesn't help, but strangely enough I've not had them since I started learning again last year. In fact I've had dreams of confidently getting in a car and driving it with no problems. So I don't get it. I can follow choreography fine, I took dance lessons as a child and still find it relatively easy to follow dance routines. So I'm not uncoordinated in that way. I really don't get what the problem is. There's no one specific thing I struggle with behind the wheel, it's literally everything.