I'm 43 and I can't learn to drive!! Feel useless

[ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed]

As per thread title, I'm now 43 and trying to learn to drive, but I just can't seem to manage it. I've been trying since my 20s and just cannot, no matter how hard I try, get my head around all the different things. I can't get my lane position right, my steering is terrible, my spacial awareness is virtually non existent. I've tried so many times and just given up. However, it has got to the point in my life where I NEED to be able to drive. I have two children who both have special needs. They will soon be going to different schools and it just won't be doable on public transport, we may in the near future have to move to an area where public transport is not great. I literally need to have my licence by this time next year at the absolute latest but I just can't see how this is going to happen. I feel like such a failure. Why is it other people can manage to learn and I can't? Am I just stupid? I feel like giving up but thats not an option at this stage. I'm failing my children. I need to do this but it's just not happening 😢

The problem is, even my best is just not good enough. I'm still failing them.

Have you researched drivers who specialise in teaching people who find it particularly hard to learn? They exist so if you’re in London you should be able to find one. I’ve Googled, there are several who specialise in over anxious learners.

You can't possibly pass with your current attitude. You are negative, defeatist and appear to be completed stuck in the mission impossible mindset. (Have you spoken to GP about possibly depression?)

Have you sought recommendation for the best instructors in your area, especially those recommended by others who found it difficult?

Have you discussed it with your family? Have you asked for support or free time to get more practice in?

Your current approach isn't working and know you seem hell bend on deciding nothing will rather than focusing on what you can do differently.

You live in London, so public transport taxis and Ubers presumably? Clearly money isn't an issue if you're spending money on 4 lessons a week ,must be £120 minimum, use that money on Ubers.

We can't live in London forever. We will eventually need to move. And the area we need to move to doesn't have Uber available. Even minicabs are hard to come by. Please don't tell me we won't be able to move, we will have to.

Your attitude is horrific, it's so defeatist. The fact that you're talking about giving your kids away if you can't pass a driving test is absolutely wild.
Driving, however handy, is not the be all and end all of life. Plenty of people can't, for many different reasons, and still manage to get themselves and their children are where they need to be.
Two of my best friends are in their 40s and can't drive, both have tried for long periods of time through the years, and it just hasn't clicked for them.
Another of my friends husband had a seizure at the wheel and now also can't drive, had to change jobs etc due to it, but they adapted and overcame.

You're putting too much pressure on yourself, you'll never get through it if you keep being so negative. It definitely doesn't seem like your instructor is right for you. "All his students pass first time" isn't necessarily representative of the way you need to be taught. People learn differently, perhaps you need a different style of instruction.
Can you look for instructors that maybe specialise in low confidence drivers? Have an open conversation with them right off the bat with what you struggle with, and see if they can offer any solutions.
As previously said, you're very very hard on yourself, which isn't going to help you go in to it with an open and calm mindset

Obviously I know MN can't wave a magic wand and make it happen. I suppose what I was hoping is that maybe other posters who tried with difficulty for several years and then finally mastered it could tell me what it was that suddenly clicked in their brain so they were able to get it. What was the secret?

You have had lots of suggestions here, including from me, and keep dismissing them. That is the attitude which is the problem.

I think you said you were moving to be closer to family? How does that fit in with your children’s education? Especially if they are in separate schools.

You are engaging only with posts that you can refute.

You won't try anything helpful so there's no point in people suggesting anything more.

You have decided its impossible.
It will be until you change your defeatist attitude.

Oh dear, this was me! Multiple attempts. Did not pass until I was 40. "Gave up" on learning multiple times, seemingly no spacial awareness and so on.

I do genuinely believe you can acheive anything through hard work and perseverance. Thinking or saying anything negative about yourself or your abilities will definitely not help you!

Clincher for me came when I entered a profession where I had to drive. Its good that you have your kids needs to motivate you.

Can I ask whether you ride a bike?

If you don’t I would get a cheap push bike, go to a quiet estate, and practice the things which you find difficult in the car.

So, for example, if you’re finding roundabouts tricky then go and do 100 roundabouts on your bike until you are 100 percent confident about road positioning etc.

I'm not just "refuting posts" I'm in a unique situation where I don't currently have anyone in a position to help me. Most people do. I don't. People are offering suggestions from a perspective of not being in my position. I can't lie and pretend something is possible when it isn't.

Why are you not responding to people (including myself) who are asking if you have tried to find specialist instructors? I even gave you the name of one and didn’t even get any acknowledgement from you.

I did Google the one you offered and even contacted them. They don't cover my area unfortunately, and they don't know of any others who do. So I tried Googling others. Again, they don't cover my area. It seems like everything is working against me. It's like I'm cursed. And people wonder why I think my children would be better off living with somebody else??

You’re really not. I have no partner no family and no childcare and am also learning in my 40s, when it’s never been “natural”.

I know your attitude because it was mine and I still battle it. You need to switch from I’m a non driver to I’m a driver mindset. It’s no 1. And look into perimenopause. It can massively add to anxiety and overwhelm

OP. This isn’t about driving. Look at what you’re saying! It’s absolutely catastrophising. You need some general mental health/peri support to reduce your stress and then everything incl driving will be far easier

That makes me feel slightly less alone, however it does feel very unique because virtually EVERY professional I deal with asks "can you ask family/partner/friends/kids dad to help" as if everyone is in that situation, and when I say I don't have anyone they look at me as if I'm nuts. Recently one of my children had to have a medical procedure, and it was a nightmare to make arrangements for my other child, as I wasn't allowed to bring them to the appointment. When I told them this, they kept offering useless impossible suggestions. Even social care couldn't help, their response was "we're not a babysitting service". It feels like nobody else is in this position, certainly nobody I know.

I don’t mean to be harsh OP because i understand why you’re like this, but you’ve got a very negative attitude which won’t be helping with your driving. It seems as if you’ve mentally just given up, you don’t believe you will do it so you won’t be learning anything on your lessons, and every suggestion people are offering, you are pushing back. It’s like you are just stuck.

I know you’ve said you need to do it soon, but you won’t get anywhere with this hopeless attitude apart from waste more money to get frustrated and even more down trodden when things go wrong, so I’d suggest you take a break from lessons and in the meantime

• Keep watching driving videos over and over again till the concepts sink in (it’s actually a great way to learn as it takes the stress of actually being on the road out of the way). This helps if you also watch videos from the drivers perspective so you can get used to it (kind of like exposure therapy!)

• Look for specialist/disability instructors who have knowledge of anxious and/ or ND people and, if you struggle with aspects of it and need tips, ask! Don’t just sit there hoping you’ll get it. Your instructor might be able to offer stickers on the windows to mark out reference points as one pp said, or it might be that you would benefit from a steering ball to improve your steering.

You can find specialist instructors here

https://www.disabilitydrivinginstructors.com

Don’t give up, it seems like your defeatist mindset is a real barrier here. You may have learnt for 20 years but have you had several breaks in between? If so, that’s a bit different. Take a break, and don’t think about what happened in the past, start fresh!

You also need to start exploring back up options and help you’re just coming across as if you’re not even trying there either.

Mental health services are very limited in my area. Unless you're on the verge of harming yourself, they won't help you. I tried asking about it a few months ago. Which makes no sense because why wait till it gets to that point?

Don't cover my area. The nearest one is nearly 8 miles away, they won't come all the way to me. The location they are in isn't easily accessible by public transport either. This is what I mean by everything working against me.

There must be others that are maybe not on that website? Do you live in the middle of nowhere or something?

Sorry, but you’re doing it again!

Have a break from driving lessons for 6 weeks. Spend that money on therapy/hypno.

YOU need to take action and there’s not always a no at the end of any suggestion.

Surprisingly no. I just can't find one. I don't know why, but there just don't seem to be any.

If it's any consolation, I'm in the same boat (42, 3 kids, still learning, spatial awareness etc. terrible). I am really wondering if I am simply incapable of it and there is just something missing in my brain, despite the fact that I'm successful in most other areas of my life.

Are you comfortable giving an approximate location? Maybe someone here could help? Otherwise, I really don’t know what anyone can suggest. Every possible option has been suggested and you’re not very open to help at the moment. You need some time to think things through and make a plan it seems.