MIL and Breastfeeding

[Sprinklesjelly]

Just looking for outside opinions here as not sure if I’m reading too much into this.

for context, my LO is nearly 4 months old and exclusively breastfed.

When my baby was a week or so old, my MIL asked me how long I intended to breastfeed. Then, I had to idea as I was still just getting started with BFing and I’m a FTM.

I said I’m not sure, maybe 6 months? To which she responded, yes that’s absolutely plenty, more than enough.

A few weeks later, she proceeded to tell me a story about being out in town and seeing a lady breastfeed in a coffee shop, facing the window to which she found outrageous, as she believes she should have sat somewhere discreet and out the way. (More power to her I say)

I waited 6 weeks to introduce a bottle, which was on the advice of heath care workers and midwives, not to cause any confusion and to allow my supply to regulate.

i waited the 6 weeks, because i was keen to continue breastfeeding and didn’t want anything to hinder this. When we eventually introduced a bottle, we have been faced with my LO refusing every bottle I’ve brought, even though I’ve only ever tried to feed him breast milk. When informing MIL of this casually, she said that bottle refusal wasn’t a thing and she had never known a baby that wouldn’t take a bottle… not sure how many babies she knows…

Fast forward a few weeks and my MILs other DIL is pregnant and the first thing she said to me after finding out is that other DIL isn’t planning on breastfeeding so she can leave the baby. My MIL had a nursery done in her house for my baby before mine was even completed. She’s made comments like ‘I’ll have that baby in my cot before yours’ - which I’ve obviously taken as a dig.

a couple of weeks ago, we were out at a cafe and a mother next to us was breastfeeding her baby and she proceeded to point this out to me and highlight again how inappropriate this was. The lady did have full boob on show but again, more power to her. I wish I was that confident.

last week, I was at her house and she pointed out that she had read online you should introduce a bottle before 4 weeks, to which I responded that’s fine but I chose to follow the advise from midwives and heath visitors. She then proceeded to say that her friend who had a baby 10 days after me introduced a bottle on day 4, and her other DIL will be introducing a bottle straight away. Both comments which I found unnecessary and intrusive.

I’ve found the constant questions about how bottle feeding is going really intrusive if I’m honest and I’ve found myself not even wanting to try anymore because of the pressure I’ve felt. When we try and give LO a bottle, he gets really distressed and I find myself asking why am I even doing this when I can feed him myself whenever I want.

All of these occasions together have made me really anxious about BFing in front of her to the point now where I just won’t do it, which is a shame.

YABU - you’re reading too much into it
YANBU - you’re right to feel the way you do

I do think this is a jealousy thing. Previous generations were set up to fail from the start with the breastfeeding. Kept in hospital for 7 days and babies were taken away during the nights and bottle fed. Hence they all ‘ran out of milk’. They don’t realise it was the care or lack of that caused this. I think they blame their bodies. Which is sad. So some hate seeing other women who can.

Just ignore. BF is accepted, supported and encouraged now. Just crack on.

I don’t understand this obsession with having young babies over for sleepovers without their mum. It’s selfish, controlling and cruel to the baby. This is the opposite to supporting mum and baby. Tell her you intend to breastfeed for as long as your baby wants to and there will be no sleep overs for a long time. Also, tell her about the risks of SIDS from separating mum and baby

Im so very sorry she’s making you feel uncomfortable - breast-feeding is hard enough without someone undermining and second-guessing you.

My mil wanted to babysit - that’s the driving force behind being anti EBF. I do understand.

I had a MUCH tougher time persuading MIL that weaning didn’t have to start at 4 months and babies didn’t have to be left to CIO.

In the end I blamed Dh for everything. “Oh dh read that WHO recommends baby has bread milk for two years, although I realise that is to take into account people who can’t buy good quality powdered milk! But we decided I should give it a go and I know he’s proud of me for the effort.”

It can be exhausting being a mum so let dh take the slack.

It sounds like you need to spend a lot less time around your annoying MIL. She has a new baby coming, hopefully she can fixate on DIL and you can have some peace.

Following OP as I have the exact same MIL
problem , also have a 4 month old, are we the same person? My MIL proceeded to cover me up while I was feeding in a restaurant despite me saying I didn’t want to cover up. She also asks me loads of questions where she pretends to be dim but it’s her way of getting her point across. For example, where’s the bottle, I’ll feed so you can have a break (we don’t bottle feed, she knows this). It’s infuriating.

I was going to start feeding my eldest. I got recommended the toilet! Then a napkin 😆. I put the napkin on DH's head. Then sat down and had a pint of cider 😁

The look...... 😸

Ask her why she is so invested in your breasts! Seriously though, the constant comments and questions, and unwanted advice and comparisons to other mothers/babies... I'd suddenly have a very full social calendar!

My own mum didn't understand why anyone would breastfeed and I had to ignore a lot in the early days. Both times.

It really doesn't matter what her stance on baby feeding is, you don't have to agree with her. Just tell her to shut up, you'll do what you want to do, ignore her, I'll be the judge of that....delete as appropriate.

Really she just wants to look after your baby at her house and she can't do that while you're feeding him, that's why she needs you to use a bottle.

I'm 67, 90% of my contemporary mums EBF, my kids are 43 and 40. Only one or two that I knew bottle fed, one couldn't produce milk and another felt very guilty (only because of MW pressure.)

I just don't recognise this accusation of my generation not supporting BF, quite the opposite was true at the time, from my experience. The ageism on this site is quite depressing. Please don't refer me to Gransnet, that's a whole different and much more scary vipers' nest!

LOL my late MIL did exactly the same thing and even showed me to the room like she was doing me a favour. I pointed out the chair would be very uncomfortable and I was much happier on the settee feeding where I could chat to other people.

I walked off and did just that with the full support of DH. It's that sort of attitude that puts women off breastfeeding 🙄

As an alternative strategy can you enlist another woman (family member or friend) to be around for the next couple of visits. Ask them to get in a few comments about how well you are doing with feeding and how good it is for the baby, doesn' t mum in law agreed? I bet she won't have the brass neck to do anything but nod.

No it doesn’t.

Why do MILs constantly interfere in people’s lives? You want to breastfeed-good for you-she should have been positive, encouraging and admiring you for wanting to give your baby the best start. And if you wanted to bottle feed, she should have the grace to be quiet. I’m a MIL (not yet a granny) but can’t imagine doing this sort of thing to my DIL. If she asks for advice/support-fine. You are not unreasonable to feel exasperated. She sounds quite hard work-the competition between her GC to use her cot? Nod and smile if you can!

I had pressure from my mother nearly 50 years ago, saying from day 1 that I wouldn't be able to produce enough milk. My first baby refused the bottle and was completely bf until we started weaning, when I gave her water from a cup. Second baby never had a bottle. A lot of mothers and MIL are jealous and want to control feeding, probably because they were so controlled when they were new mothers. Remember that you are in charge, not her. Tell her that, quite simply. "You had your turn as a new mum, now it's mine, and actually, I'm doing very well!" Enjoy the success you are having with bf, don't let her put you off - she needs putting in her place.

Succinct and unoffensive. Please tell her or get your Dh to tell his mother to SHUT THE FUCK UP which is what I think I’d have done. It’s none of her bloody business how you feed your child.

Is this purely so she can have the baby overnight? Sounds highly unlikely that you’d do this any. You just know she’d ignore your wishes.

Maybe they interfere because their sons stay silent and uninvolved?

Look at all the description of the MIL in the OP but nothing about the DH.

Yes get another woman involved. The DH has nothing to do with this situation whatsoever.

She sounds like the reason why so many Mums are scared to feed in public!
my MIL used to make comments about me breastfeeding. Yes I did breastfeed upto 3 years and I overheard her saying to my DH once ‘is she still breastfeeding? They’ll be down to her knees when she’s older!’
My boobs def aren’t down to my knees 🙈

Dd 1 would not bf. Dd2 would not take a bottle ever. Same parenting approach both times. They are individuals not robots. Your mil needs to mind her own business about how you choose to feed your child. It's possibly linked to her own insecurities about her own parenting back when dp was young.

I was obsessed with trying to get both DDs to do the other feeding way and felt a bit inadequate about it. In both cases though once they were 2 or 3 yrs old, I didn't really think about how I fed them again

I don’t understand why you spend any time with this fucking idiot.

Just to say not all mil are as rude as yours Op. I have a dd who breastfed and a ddil who bottle fed their babies. They are all healthy happy children.
I would never interfere in either of their choices . They’re both brilliant mums and know what’s best for them and their babies.

Not read the whole thread but I wouldn't give any thoughts about what MIL thought about breastfeeding feeding or bottle feeding. If she wants a baby that badly then Id suggest she gets her ovaries working again and give birth to her own baby.

Your baby, your rules.

It’s can’t be outrageous or obscene to see someone breast feeding. It’s literally what we have breasts for, MIL! We are mammals. Mammary glads define our whole species.
Nothing unusual or outrageous about it, it’s as natural as it gets.

None of her business, and I didn’t part with my babies for anyone, breast fed or not.