MIL and Breastfeeding

[Sprinklesjelly]

Just looking for outside opinions here as not sure if I’m reading too much into this.

for context, my LO is nearly 4 months old and exclusively breastfed.

When my baby was a week or so old, my MIL asked me how long I intended to breastfeed. Then, I had to idea as I was still just getting started with BFing and I’m a FTM.

I said I’m not sure, maybe 6 months? To which she responded, yes that’s absolutely plenty, more than enough.

A few weeks later, she proceeded to tell me a story about being out in town and seeing a lady breastfeed in a coffee shop, facing the window to which she found outrageous, as she believes she should have sat somewhere discreet and out the way. (More power to her I say)

I waited 6 weeks to introduce a bottle, which was on the advice of heath care workers and midwives, not to cause any confusion and to allow my supply to regulate.

i waited the 6 weeks, because i was keen to continue breastfeeding and didn’t want anything to hinder this. When we eventually introduced a bottle, we have been faced with my LO refusing every bottle I’ve brought, even though I’ve only ever tried to feed him breast milk. When informing MIL of this casually, she said that bottle refusal wasn’t a thing and she had never known a baby that wouldn’t take a bottle… not sure how many babies she knows…

Fast forward a few weeks and my MILs other DIL is pregnant and the first thing she said to me after finding out is that other DIL isn’t planning on breastfeeding so she can leave the baby. My MIL had a nursery done in her house for my baby before mine was even completed. She’s made comments like ‘I’ll have that baby in my cot before yours’ - which I’ve obviously taken as a dig.

a couple of weeks ago, we were out at a cafe and a mother next to us was breastfeeding her baby and she proceeded to point this out to me and highlight again how inappropriate this was. The lady did have full boob on show but again, more power to her. I wish I was that confident.

last week, I was at her house and she pointed out that she had read online you should introduce a bottle before 4 weeks, to which I responded that’s fine but I chose to follow the advise from midwives and heath visitors. She then proceeded to say that her friend who had a baby 10 days after me introduced a bottle on day 4, and her other DIL will be introducing a bottle straight away. Both comments which I found unnecessary and intrusive.

I’ve found the constant questions about how bottle feeding is going really intrusive if I’m honest and I’ve found myself not even wanting to try anymore because of the pressure I’ve felt. When we try and give LO a bottle, he gets really distressed and I find myself asking why am I even doing this when I can feed him myself whenever I want.

All of these occasions together have made me really anxious about BFing in front of her to the point now where I just won’t do it, which is a shame.

YABU - you’re reading too much into it
YANBU - you’re right to feel the way you do

Next time she asks "when are you stopping?" say, "Oh definitely by 18. It would just be too tricky when he goes away to college."
Or, "You seem so interested in other women's breasts, Nancy, is there a particular reason for that?"

Yanbu

Fwiw DS reluctantly took a bottle of expressed milk a couple of times very early on but by a month in would not. I never got him to take bottles after that.

Who the heck voted that you are being unreasonable, people have lost the plot. I'm sorry you have a MIL like this. I would keep on breastfeeding just so I have a polite excuse to never leave my baby alone with her.

As she is an overbearing cow, just spend no time with her at all. None. If you can't manage that, shave it down to as little as possible. It's not hard, when people treat you like crap, leave.

OP I definitely feel for you!

Just remember this is your breastfeeding journey and not hers.

I exclusively breastfeed my son until he was 1 and he decided himself he didn't want it anymore. I was devastated...I loved the bond and the feeling of closeness. He lost lots of weight in the first feed, so we had to try and do top up feeds with bottles... he refused... so went on a 2 hour feeding schedule. Not all babies want a bottle!

Your MIL clearly has her own issues and projecting then on to you is not okay. Maybe ask her why she is so negative about feeding in this way.

It's hard enough to get the baby to latch in the first few days and then the cracked and sore nipples until your body gets used to it to then have to put up with negative comments. She needs to be supportive in your choice.

Whenever and wherever my son was hungry I would breastfeed! It didn't matter if it was public or private, my son needed feeding, so why wouldn't I. I don't see other mommy's hiding away to bottle fed, so why should I.

There was a big media thing on breastfeeding last year too, where they were saying that it should be more welcomed and that we need to stick together to fight for our own choices.

I never had anyone approach me with horrible comment but I did have a few comments in the bank just incase.... feel free to use any of them..

"Ssshhhh I'm hard at work here."

"Sorry you must be mistaken, I don't recall asking for your option"

"Quick call the police and report me for indecent exposure"

"Your option is noted, scrutinised and dimissed"

If they are eating and drinking - wait until they put something to their mouth and day " oh you're not going to do that in front of me are you... how disgusting find somewhere discreet to do that please"

My SIL's grandmother would just tell them to go and play on a busy motorway lol

Just do what you need to do and ignore her! Don't fall into the pitfall of being a pleaser to your MIL, so many other mommy's struggle to breastfeed. It's your body and your choice. She should support you in any which way.

Good luck and hopefully you will continue with whatever feeding method suits you, your LO and your family!

Sending positive thought, love and confidence to pop your boob out mid conversation with you MIL to feed your LO 😀

YANBU! Your MIL is making your breastfeeding experience all about her. I wonder if she never breastfed and is jealous in some way? That or just over opinionated! Regardless, I find motherhood constantly full of unnecessary opinions from the world so you really just have to drown it all out - because deep down you know what’s best for you and your baby. Also you should also be so proud of yourself because breastfeeding is not easy! I know I tried pumping and it caused endless bouts of mastitis, then baby refused bottles like yours, so we ended up breastfeeding exclusively for 8 months. We then introduced a bottle to combo feed before I went back to work and it was totally fine. It worked for us and you will know whatever works best for you. Also don’t be afraid to push back when she makes rude comments. She’s not afraid to tell you her opinion so don’t be afraid to share yours. Ie., “we’re going to continue breastfeeding because it works best for us.” (You and baby!) Or when she makes a comment about a woman breastfeeding in public say you think it’s awesome like you mentioned! You sound really confident and like you know what you’re doing - you got this mama x

As others have said your MIL is way over involved and very intrusive. My first wouldn't take a bottle and he survived. When I left him with a childminder at 8 months he very quickly learnt to drink from a beaker. Both of mine were breast fed until about age 2. As a MIL now, I was very happy DIL breastfed but it isn't any of my business for how long and where, or if she hadn't. Your DH needs to tell his DM to stop undermining you and that's It's your child your rules, including if she ever gets to look after him, which for me wouldn't be any time soon given how she is currently behaving.

Oh @Sprinklesjelly you're doing so well, don't give her the headspace!

Why do you even want to bottle feed? That has to be at the heart of this, not what MIL wants for her own agenda of having your baby to stay, that's for sure!

FWIW, DD would never take a bottle for me - and nor would she settle after night waking without a feed. They're not daft! All we smell of to them is walking delicious buffet....why would they sleep/take a bottle when they know fresh milk is available RIGHT THERE?!?

I only wanted her to take a bottle so I could occasionally head out for more than 3 hours without her & do something on my own. I'd always leave DH with plenty of expressed. At next feed time she'd always make a massive fuss about not taking the bottle, literally push it out with her tongue 😜

Once it got to second 'normal' feed time, she was hungry enough that she'd reluctantly get on with it because she was hungry/thirsty and it's not in any baby's self-interest not to feed...in the end!

It just depends how much YOU feel you need to be tied to her. If you decide you want an overnight away on your own, I'm sure your DH/partner can manage it. Wouldn't necessarily pick MIL to be the one to have care in that scenario though!

And as others have said, if you don't feel really strongly about wanting/needing time away to yourself in the meantime, plenty of babies will happily start taking milk from a sippy cup or beaker sometime between 5-8 months.

Put your MIL out of the picture & decide whether a bottle is something you need in the mix for YOUR convenience. Then remove the walking milk bar from the building while your chosen other care-giver gets on with it!

Most women are discreet when breastfeeding but sometimes the baby has other ideas and pushes the mother's top up or comes off the breast unexpectedly leaving the breast exposed for a couple of seconds. Many women are conscious of the views of people like you and OP's MIL and do their very best to be as discreet as possible, or to even avoid breastfeeding in public. I'm also sure that this attitude is why many women don't even try to breast feed.

However, women who are completely relaxed and unselfconscious about breastfeeding in public are to be applauded, not judged.

Lots of breastfed babies refuse a bottle, no matter when it is introduced.

I want someone to say something when I’m breastfeeding now just so I can tell them to report me to the police 😂😂

You do you. Some women bf for five years. Tell her that. Your baby, your boob x

As MIL is so obviously upset by BF, I would suggest to save her blushes you won’t visit until after your little one has self-weaned…….
in a year or two

100% not being unreasonable. It is your choice how you feed your baby. I breastfed both mine exclusively for an over a year (obviously introduced solids at 6 months). I luckily never had any pushback at all but once I got to a year I did find my parents started to ask when I intended to wean 🤣. It’s illegal to advertise formula pre 6 months. From 6 months formula companies are allowed to advertise follow on milk and formula which is one of the reasons why I think there seems to be a perception that you should stop at 6 months- but actually milk (whichever form you choose) makes up the majority of a babies diet until 12 months, before that food is more for fun. If it’s working for you I would continue.
just a thought - did you MIL have any issues breastfeeding that you know of? Or perhaps she wanted to but felt she cudnt due to how society would judge her if she fed in public? Iv found the people who have commented on my feeding choices carried some emotional baggage about their own feeding choices and that helped me to ignore it and understand them more.

Wow! She needs to mind her own.
You don't need to introduce a bottle at all if you don't want to; once they reach around 5 months they can start to learn to drink out of a cup. I can't abide those kind of comments about feeding in public either; if she doesn't like it maybe she should stay at home. That generation (some at least) were brainwashed to think bottle was somehow a panacea to solve all problems. My MIL was funny about breastfeeding and she was a nurse (I fed my kids for 2 and 5 years) and constantly felt the need to tell me how hungry her boys were and how they had to have a bottle.
I'd be tempted to ask your MIL what exactly makes her feel so uncomfortable - maybe that's something she needs to unpick.

Your reply to any comments needs to be:

"Look I am going to breastfeed for as long as me, DH and LO are happy with it. Nothing you say is going to change that so please will you stop criticising our decision and just let me get on with it" ...follow it up with something like "By the way I loved that little dress/hat/toy you gave LO ...he/she looks so cute in it/loves playing with it ...such a lovely idea of yours...bla bla" In other words state a boundary then be really positive about something else to soften the blow. But stick to your guns

BTW my son was breastfeed for a year ...down to just an evening feed for last couple of months ...and NEVER took a bottle; flatly refused! So don't take any notice, its not you atall..babies are different not an amorphous mass!!

“How long are you breastfeeding for?”
”Every time you ask I add on another month. So about reception age right now.”

Tell her actually you read a good article last week that indicated "when are you stopping breastfeeding" translates as "when can I get my hands on your dc" ... Stare her in the eyes when you say this...

"I will stop breastfeeding when I feel is right, there is no need to discuss it any further."

I had one of these. In hindsight she was just ridiculously over excited about having grandchildren and being a granny. Overstepped as she was so so keen. Caused a bit of tension but we just kept our responses very blank and none committal. She did calm down as months went on. I remember being so irritated but in

I've just found out i'm going to be a Grandma for 1st time. How my son & DIL choose to feed their child is absolutely none of my business.
I did a mix of Breast feeding & bottle feeding with my eldest and youngest. My middle child was soley bottle fed. If my MIL had tried to interfere on how I should be feeding my babies, she would have been told to mind her own business. Would expect my DIL to do the same with me if I was interfering. My role is to help with advice IF IT'S ASKED FOR.

In both of our families, amongst our grandmothers, mothers, aunts, cousins, even steps, I was the first to breastfeed. Not only were our families unsupportive, most of them were somewhat hostile about it.

There were two main reasons for this. The first was that they were offended that I made a different choice than they had. They found it personally insulting that I wouldn’t bottle feed. I never criticized their choices or did anything to try and make them feel badly for not breastfeeding.

The second reason was that babies in our families were treated as community property. They were passed around from person to person so everyone can get their “baby fix”. People would tell you that they were going to take the baby overnight, out for the day or even on a trip. If someone had a baby who didn’t like to be away from Mom or Dad, then they would say the baby just had to get used to it and the best way was for them to be away from Mom and Dad until they learned. My DH and I didn’t agree with this. We didn’t take other people’s babies and we had no attention of allowing people to take ours. They saw my breastfeeding as a way to prevent them from this and again were offended.

With the nursery in her home and the comments, it seems to me that MIL wants to take the baby and sees OP breastfeeding as the reason she can’t. OP’s DH needs to step in and tell his mother to drop the topic. He needs to state that he supports OP breastfeeding 100% and will not tolerate MIL trying to undermine OP. MIL should only see OP and baby when DH is present to intervene until she learns to be supportive of their parenting decisions.

My MIL told me (when I was heavily pregnant) that I should "get some formula in" and that she wanted to feed my baby. I have exclusively breastfed LO (now weaning onto food) all her life. MIL has since blocked me, DH, and BIL on all forms of messaging app/service (I can't remember why... Possibly because I told DH that I didn't want to be left alone with MIL because she says things and then lies about it afterwards- in the formula case she said that she'd just been trying to prepare me in case I couldn't breastfeed.

@Sprinklesjelly my mil asked me, to my face and with all sincerity "but don't you just feel like a cow?" 🙄🤦

That was of course in between all the constant questions regarding how long I'm going to "keep it up" and "are you sure he's getting enough" despite ds growing very well!

I am more than 60 by some way. I breastfed both my DC in the late 70s and early 80s, both for about 2 years. I was in a small English town with La Leche League and Natural Childbirth Trust organisations and there were lots of other mothers who breastfed around me - though not everyone - and lots of places to take babies and toddlers. I was lucky. Also though I introduced solids at 4 months (as was then recommended) I did not cease to breastfeed and breastmilk remained my DC's main nutrition until they were a year old. I breastfed for 2 reasons: first it was easier from my point of view as I am a bit compulsive and sterilising bottles etc would have left me completely stressed and constantly worried about 'germs'; second, because it was better for the DC afaik from my reading. I did get some opposition and if visiting in-laws had to go out of the room to feed (very traditional Hindus). I have never regretted those months when I was so close to my DC.
The late 70s and early 80s were a good time to breastfeed. Research had begun to show that 'breast was best', whereas post-WW2 it was assumed there was no nutritional value in breastfeeding that bottle feeding could not do better and so breastfeeding was not recommended since it was 'second best' and also did not fit into the routines recommended for babies at that time. The 80s also saw an upsurge in natural child rearing - and also natural childbirth, (about which I am less sanguine, since natural childbirth has as one natural consequence higher infant and maternal death rates). I also fed on demand - which settles in the milk and allows you to relax, nothing is so important as feeding the baby! Sod the dust and spaghetti bolognese will do for dinner. (Also, I had a hand free to hold whatever book I was reading, a bonus unavailable with bottles! - I have a photo of me feeding my DD whilst I am reading.)
I think that we have regressed over breastfeeding lately, as in so many things. OP, stick to your guns. Your MiL is wrong.

Every single time she does it ...

'Actually UNICEF has clear current guidance on the benefits of breastfeeding for both mother and baby:'

https://www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/about/benefits-of-breastfeeding/

'No, the NHS advise formula feeding does not give the same health benefits for mother and baby:'

https://www.nhs.uk/baby/breastfeeding-and-bottle-feeding/breastfeeding/benefits/

'In fact the World Health Organisation advises that breastfeeding is one of the most effective ways to ensure child health and survival:'

https://www.who.int/health-topics/breastfeeding#tab=tab_1

'The La Leche League say breastfeeding is a part of the whole mother baby relationship:'

https://laleche.org.uk/breastfeeding-beyond-a-year/

Get yourself a whole lot of authoritative articles and every single time she does it say 'we don't agree with old fashioned / dated / debunked / harmful / old wives tales / nonsense etc. There's now a wealth of studies that confirm breastfeeding is desirable for both mother and baby health and bonding. I'll send you some so you can update yourself.'

This will both infuriate her AND be you being absolutely reasonable and helpful.

It won't change the fact that her aim is to have your baby, though.